Without you here,

I've been able to name stars after myself

And ***** my fingers on roses that I've planted in my own garden

I've read and written poetry because I have identified myself with confidence and happiness

And the throbbing constant ache is at a dull hum

I'm foliated sketches and the dog-earing of my favorite pages.

I am the prayer I say at night before bed and the gratitude I feel in the morning

And without you here,

I am still all of those and so much more

Without you here

I am so much more

Hollow
        as last hopes escape.
Numb
        as it sinks in.
Goodbye
          forever.

Wavering resolve
why is it so difficult
to be kind to self?

Tomorrow, I will finally start living
Truly, fiercely, without any dark thoughts.

Tomorrow, I may finally live my life of no importance,
Enjoy the wind, breezing through my golden hair,
Love the different colors the sky can show me,
Embrace the love from kind strangers I will meet,
Adore all those stunning sounds Nature can play
And I may be liking myself, carrying out my promises.

Tomorrow, I promise to finally start living
Truly, fiercely, without any dark thoughts.

But let this be tomorrow, let me doubt tonight again.
Used to those dark thoughts, I could feel myself vanish,
In this happiness I dream about, and fear at the same time.
Let it happen tomorrow, let me wake up with a smile,
One that will surprise me, astonish me by its strangeness.
Let the unknown pleasure of being pleased and alive come, tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I promise I will live, truly, fiercely,
And leave those dark thoughts at your door.

To save oneself one must learn to love themselves completely.

I keep expecting you to love the things I hate.

To accept them even.

Trouble is you don't believe in accepting this twisted up part of me.

I don't blame you, it's ugly and vile, it wraps me into something I don't like.

You say to accept it would mean there would never be progress.

But what if progress can only come from acceptance?

Maybe it's not your acceptance I need, or anyone else's.

Maybe all I need is to learn to accept myself.

To understand that I'll have setbacks on my journey to recover like anyone else.

To forget the past and future, to live only in the right here and now.

If I learnt to accept and love myself maybe I won't expect mountains from you.

I'd be able to give myself the world and everything else I so desparetly need.

Perhaps then, I wouldn't suffocate you so.

Perhaps then, I'd be free.

One who can not make change in oneself
Is it possible for him to make a change in others?
A flower that can't blossom
How can it emit a fragrance?
One who can't make determination
How can he find a way out?
One who doesn't know you
How can he talk about you?
One who can't struggle in darkness
How can he make a journey to light?
Morning is for those who've struggled at night

Life is for living, they say.
But,
Pivoted around ego recognition endless ways.
We,
Churn out to be everyone but oneself

In denial untruth
We find a playmate
"Immersed in pretense"
Our loved game,we play.
"Relish" we say in unison,
"A rule"of the game.
Fooled into believing
There is no such thing as "Doomsday"

i had a problem on my mind,
the answer to which was hard to find.
i tossed and turned throughout the night
and a knot in my stomach, which i could not fight.
i layed in bed, just abiding my time
waiting for daylight to arrive.
morning finally did come, sleep i had gotten some.
i got up out of bed, picked up the letter
that yesterday i had read.
there it was plain as day.
'sweetheart i love you, but i can't stay.
i must find what i am destined to do.
even if i must hurt my family and you.
i do not want to have a regret on my mind
because i did'nt get up to try.
so i leave you with my heart in hand
it was'nt something that i had planned.
i know that it will hurt my family and you
for i am going through the same hurt too.
you showed me all the beauties in the world
and i grew just like a pearl, but just like a pearl
i have to be shown and admired, and other
hearts, to be set on fire.
so i leave with tears in my eyes, and i must abide my time.
'this is the letter that i had read.'
and my heart was torn and bled.
weeks went by without a word, and to her family
she was not heard.
then i received a letter today, and in it she did say:

i searched the big cities and the towns
but the love i had gotten from all of you, was not to be found.
i did find something that touched my heart
and in me, has become a big part.
the love of a blind child, who was born without sight
who touched my heart with so much might.
he touched my face with his hands, and pulled them back right away
and with that he did say:
i am blind and i can not see, but i feel so much
pain etched in your face, and you left loved
ones without a trace.
you left loved ones with your heart in your hands
and it's something that they can not understand.
you left in search of something that you had all along
and that was a place that you could belong.
i survive because of the love that is shown
and eyes i do not need to see, something that may be hurting me.
if you are searching for something more
then go help the NEEDY AND POOR.
they need love and comfort too, and they belong to me and you.
i turned from the child and AGAIN ran away.
then that night to the LORD i cried and prayed.
when i fell asleep that night, in my dream
all of you were in plain sight.
all of you were beckoning me home, and your broken
hearts were shown.
so i ask you on bended knees, help me with what i've seen.
help me to help the poor, for this is my destiny
of which i'm sure.

she came home and we did marry, and now my baby she carries.
we are helping all in need, for in her
GOD did plant the seed