I’m feeling this way,
I don’t yet know how to escape
Yet I know it will evade at some point,
I’ve been drifting in and out,
Without much sound,
For maybe a year now, maybe only a second.
Should I think it’s an overstatement?
Is that what I’ve been lead to know?
Or is it just my mind bringing false accusations to surface?
Could it be because people want to doubt me,
Or because I assume if it’s happened to me it’s just a little bit, it’s only small; it doesn’t matter,
Not at all.

Three years? Four or five? Maybe none,
It’s not real, this doesn’t count.
Anxiety. It’s anxiety they said.
We’ll give you these pills,
Because you’re complaining about something else,
But we won’t acknowledge that.
You feel terrible, but we’ll say we’re treating the thing that you’ve put in some sort of remission.
Listen, listen. Why do they never listen?

It’s not that bad. How do I word it?
I could say I feel dead, but not really,
It’s been worse before,
So I don’t feel like I can use that description anymore.
It will go away soon,
I should be happy.
Actually, should I? I should feel tragic.
I do but I feel good sometimes too.
Why am I trying? No one who sees this will understand.
How about, it’s this:
I want to do something but I don’t feel like anything.
I don’t feel good but it’s not anxiety -
it’s been trickling in, but not this time, it’s not just that.
Maybe my emotions have just gone underground today,
Maybe it thought it would match to how I’m physically feeling.
I woke up so exhausted, I told someone I’m sick,
Still sick,
And they said being tired doesn’t make you sick,
But this isn’t normal tiredness,
This isn’t feeling down so your body can’t be bothered either,
This is one way of what it can feel like
When your body’s done with you,
And mines been done a long time,
But never long enough to care,
And in a decade it still won’t be time,
But I guess I should be content because
It’s only been five-hundred-and-thirty-two days.

I know no one will believe me, but maybe that’s okay,
For now,
After all, I can’t say any of these things out loud.
Like monsters, they would all surround me, laughing maliciously,
Thinking they were right,
They’re not, but how much longer do I have to put up a fight?
No one can know if I feel stressed or upset,
Not sad because then their army will have ammunition,
Meanwhile I have nothing.
Nothing, give me something,
But actually no, maybe I can’t take anymore false hope,
Because everyone, all of them, have ******* me over,
Time and time again.
They think I’m stressed, I’m not ill,
So if I say I’m starting to become stressed, unhappy, not good...
Well I don’t know what will happen,
They’ve already destroyed every single part of me.
I don’t want to give them more reasons to disbelieve my honesty.

im stuck in
this never ending
loop. this cycle
of go to work,
come home, go
to bed, repeat.
i can’t live the
rest of my life
like this.
life is like a
bad song stuck
on repeat.

I close my eyes
and picture out my life with you
  how we would treat each other parents like our own
  how we would have mini arguments over what to make for dinner
  how we would plan how to raise our children
  how we would pray together before we start our day and head our
  separate ways
  how we would surprise each other with lunch dates
  how we would send posts that remind each other of us
just me and you creating our small world
like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly
and just as I open my eyes
the picture dwindles into the dull reality of this miserable existence
where I do live
but without you.

The sun is sick of me these days.
He doesn't see me.

I reek of desperation.

I know this because the stars, like flowers, have closed their buds.
I'm repugnant in this moment.
everything wilts when I am present.

The sky cries for me,
The clouds send rain to wash away these feelings,

but even the rain is drowning in my desperation.

Am I becoming more dire than global warming?

I know I am lucky
To have someone like you
Who likes me even after
The **** I put you through
So why am I still unhappy?
You try so ******* hard
To break the walls of ice
Around this aching heart
I am perpetually grateful
For what you do each day
None of it is ever enough
To make my misery go away
What I long for above everything else
To make you laugh once more
Be the warm glow lighting up your life
Both of us feeling as good as before
But those carefree days are gone
Replaced by years of strife and pain
Now I’ll  never be your sunshine again
Instead I bring dark clouds pouring rain
My smile has badly broken
Like all our remaining trust
Here we are still putting
Together the pieces of us
Don’t think I don’t appreciate
The fact that you’re still here
Unfortunately your presence
Does not make my sadness disappear

You are perfect that’s plain to see
The problem is not you, but me

release our tensions
and dispel of this worry
after all that we've been through
your words and my words
my hurt and your guilt
to reconcile our hands
and disprove every doubt
i lend you my hand
joyful and beautiful and miserable man
you're confused and i'm tired
i'm confused and you're tired
however many times it comes back
to you, to me
let's try this again

I don’t want your memory to fade
I don’t want to be left bleeding
if you ever walk away, I would break
the colors I see would be shades of grey
a sledgehammer to my heart,
brute and burning
a fear of a door slammed shut
and I left on my knees drowning in my sorrow
my heaven turned to hell the moment you left
I don’t want our love to be a battlefield

You made fun of that poor wretched soul but no amount of makeup could
cover up your ugly, darkened, mishapened heart.