****
I Hate this ****
Aggravated faith Vs. Masochistic taste
Seep and stains the screen I frame with
Weightless words, time taken to assure

The fake sincerity makes me sick.

A reactive phrasing fabricated naturally
Placating waves of faces waiting to for their turn to say 'I'm Running Late'.
Now games on with strange men who make friends that know me, who show off these women from craigslist like trophies, I see she's an A-list employee who enjoys the work and I start to sweat, she might break my heart but I call to check, she's on the way and I settle debts, then I'm done.

Insult to injury, my impulsive witchery, her careless fake name engagement doesn't conceal my betrayal felt.
Great lame dumb freight train stuck eight lanes of state strays search daily to entertain my ******* wife with *******. I'm done.

Last straw, I've had it, was this rom-com or tragic, papa don-jon in the attic telling me to leave it be and keep at it, but I'm numb, dumb and emphatic, my Jessica rabbit is long gone, her swan song a hat trick, **** that chick grew wings quick, cleaned out her **** like mary pip, packed and pomp she asked to sit, smile set smug, with a cigarrette to her lips, she exhaled and leaned in, I'm still confused about todays events when her voice spoke that final cent, it said
"I always win."

Truthfully, it's the last thing I remember, and then I wake up alone with some bottles of gin to the police brutally beating on my door, and my wife adorning the walls.

My life is private, my secrets drenching in hopeless fear.
I express out loud, longing for admiration.
Yet, I hold everything in, saying nothing, no word my tongue could ever expose.
Fake friends, liars, backstabbers...
They only miss me once I’m gone.
I left, secretly disappeared without a knowledge to anyone.

But once they know I’m gone, is when they start to miss me.
I’ve moved on, left the city and started new in a different one.
I left like the wind with a cold dryness in the air.
Unspeakable, they only coming back cuz they know I’m not around.

Incomplete, I’ve learnt to never trust anyone ever again.
Deep thoughts hit and I know what’s going to happen before it does.
Caused by experience, pain, loss, and abuse.
I avoid it all, and seclude myself in my mysterious fantasies that will never come to my reality.
I live life in despair, knowing that I’m the curse, the darkness itself.
I’m the person who’s devil you speak the name of.
I’m your nightmares in your lost daydreams.

Too much intensity, I may be trouble.
But my deceiving nature has you thinking otherwise... doesn’t it?

Maybe it’s just thoughts of people talking about me constantly, even though it’s not real.
Nothing is.
My illusion is my nightmare and my delusions is my reality.
Im never going back.
They probably never going to see me ever again, but I guess it’s satisfying to make them think otherwise.
To make them think that I still love them and we probably still friends.
But when I was around, where were they without my effort?

Without my effort, everything is at loss.
I prefer to label these people as my aquaintances.
Calling them my friends is just a facade to cover up my intense loneliness caused by my experienced deep ridden trust issues.

I have no friends.
I like it that way.
I stay detached cuz people are worthless to me.
I like being alone, it’s my new cure.
With my seclusion, I am nothing more to be.

If I call you my friend, please don’t get confused when I ghost you and never actually talk to you, but I end up coming back few months later saying how much I miss you and love you.

Don’t we all do that?
This darkness of truth and lies all hidden inside of us.

Disappearance, keep your distance.

There I go again, hands to my face, sinking deep, way bottom where ocean-less ties rip you apart.
Lost all meaning, to life, to live.
To love is now madness and hate is my deceit.
I stay pitiful in my thoughtless mind, where my black dreams, leak.
Pour into nothingness.
The emptiness cascades and to the void I become.

They say, look into the mirror, tell yourself good things and be positive.
I stare into my empty soulless eyes...
I see death.
I see darkness.
I see hollow shadows carving my skin.
Under my eyes, is exhaustion.
Faintly fatigue.
Pits of gory sadness staying attached to me.

The depression I live in, the depression I’ve lived in my whole life, it became who I am.
Being unwanted, used, unloved, abused, tormented, rejected, hurt, broken, useless, thrown away, kicked out, misunderstood, defeatless, weak...
IS THE PAIN OF WHO I AM NOW.

I try drowning myself, it feels too difficult, I lift my head out of the water gasping for air.
The medication, the overdoses, all ended up having me in hospital, still alive, unfortunately.

As I was born to die, why do I exist?
I am nothing.
I am empty.
I am dark.
I am useless.
I am alone.

I don’t trust people.
I don’t even trust myself anymore.

To live through hurt and getting broken by someone else is not something I can go through anymore.
I’ve made that choice, to live my whole empty shallow life as a lost loner.

Since everyone leaves, the only person I have is myself, no matter how much I hate her.
She’s a monster, the ****** devil.
I hate her.

When I look into my eyes, I see nothing.

Maybe a little,
where one is dark, and one is light yet.
There they are.
the place where it meets the middle.

Where the sun dips down and kisses
the shadows,
and in the middle, there they are,
the colors,
the oranges, the pinks, the blues,
the reds,
until it’s a seamless line of completion.

Sappy and happy,
My insides glow with emotion,

No flames on hold,
Roaring, soaring,
Competing,
With the Texas heat,

Temperatures rise,
Hearts accelerate,
Start to pound,

Palms sweat,
Pants wet,
Mouth dry,

Animal instinct,
Takeover,
As we collide,

In another dimension,
Of passion,
And prose,

That satiate our senses,
Down to our toes.