She was just a girl whose eyes were constantly filled with the darkness that ate holes in her soul.

Abandoned umbrellas on the beach float by
And remind me of the broken promises I made to myself
When I was 7 rocking out to the new sounds
Then everyone told me something I shouldn't do
Then everyone chained me to the desk, destroyed the creative thunder
Then everyone trapped me deeper inside the attic
Of my own misery where nightmares became my best friends

Been sitting here all day, done nothing all day
Staring at it, just staring at it
Staring at it, just staring at it
Been sitting here all day, done nothing all day
Staring at it, just staring at it
Wishing I could walk through it
Find myself as someone other than who I am
If only for a day
And I wouldn't have to pretend that you don't really give a f**k about me

Been here four seasons expecting something to change
But I'm still the same me and I don't think shaving my head would change a thing about me because the thoughts are still there
Always gonna be there as four seasons pass

I want to play in the water
With them
But you can't teach a rock to swim
With dolphins
And I never learned how not to drown
So let me mope sitting hunched over drowning in the harsh light reflecting everything I'm not

It's only a temporary place to rest my head
But I can't sleep
How I wish the door didn't open because someone
who wasn't me unlocked it
"It's open", "Of course"
But will I walk through it?

The doctor is a liar, The doctor was a liar
The doctor, oh that doctor stuck a needle in my arm
And told me I was free to go home
The doctor is a liar, The doctor was a liar
The doctor, oh that doctor gave me an apple
And told me I was free to go home

But everyone knows that the doctor is a liar
Smile in the seconds that pass
Even thought you'll always be too slow
Tripping when they've been walking since 9 months
Trying to get ahead, but constantly falling behind

When did everyone's eyes become blank white sockets
The doctor said
But the echos of "just fix the holes" are yelling through the thunder
Aren't we all just trying to get home?
And I can hear the echos of "just deal with the holes" ringing over and over through the thunder
I've been listening since I was 7 years old
We used to run then
With broken umbrellas
But now we walk
Away from umbrellas
Because even if we drown in the rain we're gonna get home

I write into spaces
And talk into holes
Writings are our faces
But words write our souls.

I'm trying to "help the community,"
Trying to make a "healthy impact,"
I have a goal in mind, set,
It's all laid out ahead, before we've met.
I am forever "blessed,"
I can lose my moral traits when convenient.
I have all of the "virtues I was given,"
Most always fail me. My hindsight vision, "20/20 perfect,"
I've got a "healthy" set of norms and a
Pair of able legs, I am in the right
When I stumble and I'm not wrong
When I am told otherwise,
I've gotten somewhere at being in control,
Now I let strangers into my home and
Set up a world in which they're rights can be
Defined based upon my living. It's my decision.
If it's tolerable, I decide.  How soon you have to
Be finished and even how you're to be judged.
I am judge jury and executioner. I can make it
A "grand" money-making excursion. My family
As a group of strangers who "care," I never distrust.
Always and ever at my side but in the background,
We will see to it that this is somehow legal,
So long as no actual authority are around,
*There's no one who can stop me now!

Balloon head girl...
With eggs for eyes and
Sharpie lips,,
Don't cry your egg white tears
For me, or let
the yolk leak from holes in
Your diabetic fingers...

Snap your blouse back on, with
The buttons right up
to your neck, a throat with
3 imprints, but
2 hands and  
1 threat

look at my pain and my scars
look at the holes that he cut
deep, deep into me
marvel at the openness of my chest now
the light which is allowed in
now that i am hollow
he shallowed my existence
but deepened my humanity
for that, I thank him
for that, I want you to look at me
for what I am now
different

She plucks feathers from the tiny hole
in her comforter, handing them
to my trembling hands as if she were
giving me pockets of conversation.

I crumble the feathers with my fingers,
feeling the softness and the lightness.
She gets up and ambles on to
the bathroom, as I drop the feathers.

When she is blow-drying her gorgeous
black hair, I step outside the house
and onto the patio to smoke
a cigarette, knowing she will not approve.

I sip on black coffee, hoping my breath
will reek a little less. After I finish
I come back inside and she walks
into the room, telling me she smells the smoke.

I feel embarrassed. I look down
at the carpet counting all the black
and brown spots, then I come across
the feathers, so white and immaculate.

I move closer to her and run my fingers
through her hair, feeling the knots and
the curls, leaning forward to kiss her lips,
thinking that it will rectify the situation.

She pushes me away and asks "Are you
trying to get cancer?" She crosses her arms
and huffs, narrowing her brown eyes
at me as if I were a suspect in a crime.

I put my hands on top of my head
and try my best not to shrug, but I
cannot help feeling indifferent. And
that feeling makes me think that I'm careless.

She shakes her head and taking a step,
she scoops the feathers from the carpet
and shoves them back into the comforter.
Glancing back at me she asks, "Why do you hurt yourself?"

And I do not have an answer for her.