i don't usually wear socks just while i'm at home
but if i do
treat me with care
because it means i'm really hurting
what i mean is
i don't self-harm in places you would guess
it would be too noticeable
people check your arms
your thighs
your stomach
but who would guess to check your ankles?
exactly
i don't usually wear socks
but when i do
it means i'm really hurting
it means i'm hiding something from you
and perhaps i'm hiding something right now
why else would i be writing a poem about this?

Lover I’m dying to know,
Where do you go?
When the lights dim low,
When you’re afraid of our home.

Lover I hate to see the light,
As it fades from your eyes.
I see the darkness from within,
Goose bumps rise across naked skin.

Lover I need you to tell me,
Where you hide when you don’t want me to see,
See the person you are afraid to be,
The darker side you want to hide from me.

Lover I’m not blind to your desire,
I felt the warm kisses of your fire.

But I also felt them fade.

I felt sunshine replaced by shadows,
And a cold wind whipping my form,
Your broken words erupting rain from above,
I watched as it poured.

Lover, it drowned me.

So lover, I’m begging you to tell me,
I’m screaming into the empty abyss where you shadow lies.
I’m crying out until my lungs burn,
with my fragile body on shaking knees.

Where is it that you hide?

Because the rain is ice,
And the wind is fire,
And it is too late to run.

So lover tell me please,
Where is it that you hide;
Could I stay there too?

And beaneath everything there’s another feeling, the last of them buried beaneath my bones.
The feeling of sitting in the dark, alone.
Some might see it as peaceful; a place for safe keeping for yourself but it’s anything but that.
Instead it is hiding, crawling up into this dark corner because of all the lights flashing at me.
They’re transfixing in a way though, these lights. Like the cacophony of moth wings near that one simple light that hangs suspended in the middle of a hospital room. It’s kind of rancid too in a way.
On reflection, everybody is trying to dissect me.
Dissect me till I am these layers of feelings I store.
But nobody can ever reach down enough to this hidden feeling.
Everybody wants to tear me apart; but I am only flesh and bone.
The only part of me that needs to be torn apart is the one in the darkness, where I am caged and begging to be torn apart.

She wrote love stories to hide the fact that she didn’t have one of her own.

I wish I was invisible,
I could easily hide away,
This has to be a miracle,
A wish that will come true someday.

Sure, there are people that want to see me,
But they are just few less than a dozen,
I wish I could remove the debris cause,
The one who I want to see me, doesn’t.

She used to see me quite clearly,
Back when I think and hope she cared,
Back when there was intimacy,
When I held her when she was scared.

I will cover up with fake emotion,
Until I can finally realize,
That there are many fish in the ocean,
Fish that are venomous sharks I despise.

Wanderer of worlds,
Nomad and refugee,
Harvester of dreams,
Sequestered from agony,
Home looms ever closer,
March on inexorably,
This is where the sidewalk ends,
And where you need to be

My heart paces in an abandoned cage
that still holds the smell of lions ****
and human decay

They took my house from me
and He
abandoned me and the early seed

Oh how
love loses to profession

and I lost both
for something that may be
traced back to my blood
even though
I have never even been in a Synagogue
or prayed

It doesn't matter to the ones in
crisp black, green, and grey

The word I hear
from the birds tweet
animals are being imported
from Germany

This cage is not an idea home
but it has kept me safe
but now
I am truly alone
due to what they think is my faith

I must survive
for the little one inside
otherwise
this would be the end.

Have you ever sat in the dark in your room at 3 in the morning,
Wishing you could just escape from that dark cloud busy forming?
You walk to school with a smile with a mask on your face,
And no matter how hard you try you can’t help feeling out of place.
These parts of you you can’t understand but you wish you just could,
But instead you plug in headphones and hide beneath the jacket hood.

Have you ever had the thought while sitting in the dark all alone,
Laying on your bed and yet saying to yourself, “I just want to go home”?
And the hurt eats you away and your anxiety caves in,
Still you cover it up the next day, cover it all with the same grin.

These words are for you- the ones that feel there’s nothing left,
To give you hope and let you know it’s not time to give up yet.
There’s still something great out there that’s just out of your reach,
But it’s getting closer, you’re getting stronger, you must not accept defeat.
Pain is only temporary and I know that it can feel like forever,
But your potential is more than this even the worst things get better.

I take it you don’t believe me- think this is just another rhyme,
Trying to motivate you and convince you differently this time.
But this one’s not like the others because trust me I would know,
Even I have to push myself up sometimes when I’m feeling extremely low.
I know exactly what it’s like to feel the worst pain- the burden of life,
To want nothing more than to sit in the quiet and slice skin with a knife.
To be crying for hours naked and shaking, soaking in a tub,
Trying to feel something real as you watch your arms boiling with blood.
And not a single day goes by where I don’t think the worst of thoughts,
But it’s possible to get through like me- I refused and I fought.
Those thoughts don’t have to define you and the feelings are nothing more
Than devils knocking persistently, you just don’t open up the door.

People may not understand and try to change your mind like it’s easy;
I know it’s not but with determination you can, believe me.
This isn’t what’s meant for you, you still have so much more,
Your life has only started there’s still so much more in store.
It’s hard to find hope I know because I’ve struggled too,
****, I still struggle and sometimes feel there’s nothing more to do.

But just know you have a friend in this fight, you’re not on your own,
I may just be a stranger, but my words are all too well known.
I hope when your heart is aching and you feel like the only one,
You can remind yourself of your beauty before picking up that gun,
Or picking up those pills, that rope- don’t let these thoughts banter,
Pain is only temporary- don’t end it with a permanent answer.