I remember
Staring at the vast ocean of stars
Praying, wishing with the last lingering thought before sleep
That my life wouldn't be so stagnant
For an adventure worthy of tales
To throw me off my guard

They say, "Be careful what you wish for in the dark."

Seeing myself in the mirror
A monster, a horror
An unknown disease lurking, hidden
A virus within forever

Wrapping my head in my arms
A self-loathe burning like a fever
A desire to pluck out my nails
Like plucking out petals from a flower

I love me, I don't love me, I don't love me
I don't ever love me

Stop breathing down my neck
Stop pawing me for answers
Stop drilling holes in my back
I can hear your whispers

I know, I know
I don't need you to tell me I'm disgusting
I could throw up just looking at myself

It's pathetic that I brought this onto myself
I used to laugh at the stars
Cursing and swearing like nothing ever matters
"When the world comes crashing down,
Use it as a blanket," I used to say.

Who knew, who knew
I'd never see
Myself the same again

Who knew, who knew,
I'd never see
The sun rise again

I wouldn’t like this.

A class full of uncomfortable individualised strangers.
An over head projector,
prodding, obvious questions,
trying to ascertain the exact purpose or meaning.
The space for ambiguity is closed up like a canon eclipsed by an earthquake.
Highlighter and underlining of a spontaneous experience.
They are trying to make water into concrete.
I just want it be able to bubble and foam and languish
but they want to pin it down.
I would be sad and disgusted if I saw my floaty feelings
pin boarded up onto the wall for dissection
Do not treat my insides in this way

Left over from the fear and pain, now the results across and all over my arms,
Oh, how on days that are the coldest, these scars have kept me warm.

Lines and lines of everything left unsaid,
From the deepest of emotions in turmoil, to the tears that soaked my bed.
A single blade to help me speak, to help me fight with insanity,
Who is it again now, that I am trying to free?

Maybe one day I won't have so many,
So many I cannot count,
Whoever is looking back in the mirror, is not me in a single doubt.

I don’t need your pity flirts.
I don’t need the charm
that melts off your lips
like ice cream on a hot summer day
right off the cone.
I don’t need those eyes of yours
judging the shape of my body,
sizing up my insecurities and shortfalls
like I’ve got no place to call home.
I have plenty of love in my life;
real and genuine and always present.
I don’t need you to feel
like you can do your community service here.
I am not in need.
I’m not alone.
I never was, and I never will be.
So, I don’t need you.
Never did, actually.

The President will start a
nuclear war over twitter
  if he has to.

  White Nationalist is a way
of saying Neo-****. It's re-labeled
  to desensitize us.

  The President sympathizes with
the White Nationalists because
  he can't afford to lose their vote.
My president does not have my
  best interest in mind.
He is a power hungry tyrant--
  and half are too dumb to notice.

You don't worship God. You don't.
  You worship politics infused
with spirituality.
  You dehumanize those who
are different from you because
  you are a scared little *****.

All Nazis must die.
Them dying is the
greater good.
Nazis are inferior.
Die ****. Die.

Chancing to look through an old file, I'd forgotten the pleasures of matching wits with an intelligent man who actually has working brain cells, not just these "primal urges" 99% of men own.  I'm sick and tired of all these monkeys.  Go tell some other woman she is ****.  I wasn't dressing to please you, but me.




(sonnet #MMMMMMDXIV)


As blue skies, shadows 'non cavort from hence
Beheath the watchful eye of, own a tale
Of cloud battalions floating like to scale
Upon that purest sea frame what? I thence
Bewail Jean Yves and O! his wiser sense--
Lost on the wings of hours gone ere we'd hail
More than keen matching wits when time'd avail
Us, yes, a man with intellect's defense.
"God's gift to women," ah, I laughed as twere
Oer what he swore is merely truth, 'til who
Shall now console me, eh?  Most men in poor
'Scuse are dull blockheads, never thinking, to
A fault such beasts that only want to stir
Yes, "primal urges" oh! what shall I do?

24Jul17a

Love galore
It was all being given to you and none to me
Showered in abuse instead of love
Embraced on the cheek with a fist instead of a kiss
Looked at with disgust instead of admiration
Told that I'll never be able to leave but you can't wait until I'm dead
I'm the one loving you when no one else is
The only one treasuring you when no one does
Still in love with you because i know you won't make it alone
But here I am, loving you
When you don't love me
Stuck in this 'love galore'

𝔜𝔬𝔲'𝔯𝔢 𝔞 𝔯𝔢𝔡 𝔞𝔭𝔭𝔩𝔢
𝔉𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔢𝔫 𝔱𝔬 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔤𝔯𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡
𝔇𝔢𝔞𝔯 𝔶𝔬𝔲'𝔯𝔢 𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔟𝔯𝔬𝔴𝔫
𝔄𝔫𝔡 ℑ 𝔴𝔢𝔭𝔱, 𝔣𝔬𝔯 ℑ 𝔱𝔥𝔬𝔲𝔤𝔥𝔱
𝔜𝔬𝔲 𝔴𝔢𝔯𝔢 𝔰𝔴𝔢𝔢𝔱 𝔦𝔫 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔠𝔬𝔯𝔢
𝔅𝔲𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔬𝔥 𝔰𝔬 𝔯𝔬𝔱𝔱𝔢𝔫

Confusion is soaring and my brain
I can't help but feel that I am going insane
The things I want, the things I need
The things I pray for, are never meant to be
Feeling empty inside
Darkness surrounding me
Not a noise, not a whisper
Nothing here to see
Dropping to my knees, hands covering my eyes
Wanting to sleep, wanting to dream
Wishing that things were not the way the seem
They hug you and say they love you
That's a lie
They say it's going to be okay
But I still want to cry
Ashamed of what I am
Never wanting to see that face in the mirror again
Staring back at me with disgust
Telling me I'm not worth much