My light eyes only see the dark
immune to clear blue skies,
indifferent to a bright spark,
and the bloodshot lines in the white
reveal my own confessing script,
the things I couldn’t say that I write,
I couldn’t walk away so I tripped.

You’ve broken me into small parts
reflections of which I no longer resemble,
I’ve looked for replacements in cars, boats and go carts,
but there’s no use to try and reassemble.
If you have my mind, my heart and soul,
tell me what does that leave over for me?
You know I showed you my scars but hid my mole,
but I still don’t know exactly what you see.
Because it starts where it will end
and finishes with infinity,
the primary colours were made to blend
but I’m lacking all creativity.

Your blank stare is elusive as the wind,
sometimes I question if it’s even there
but then I think I catch sight of a grin.
And while I’m drowning in your eyes,
trying to catch the ocean in a glass,
I’ve underestimated the size
and forgot the impact of the last.

I’ve been plagued with a sickness
one that’s lacking any small remedy,
poetic justice sees complete bliss
always inevitably evolve into tragedy.
My eyes are shrivelled, lacking tears
something had to overflow the canal,
still the boat floats and it steers
avoiding reasoning and all rationale.
Because it starts where it will end
and finishes with infinity,
and I’m too beat to pretend,
that I wouldn’t ’t rather be lost at sea.

Life, life has always been too long
but it seems forever with you is too short.
While I reflect on the choices I made that were  wrong,
I’m told it’s now too late to abort.
Life, life has always been too long
but I only started living when I found you.
Because it starts where it will end
and finishes with infinity,
you’re word was broken, it could never bend,
but it seems I’m the only one that’s still fighting.

Because it starts where it will end
and finishes with infinity,
there’s nothing in this world we can’t mend,
but I think it’s time that I stop investing.

tummy aches
earth quakes
make my body numb
and twist my thumb

i cant say
i dont want to play
but love took a toll
and now i just wanna roll
into a dark place
i can mark with grace
no personal space
to finish the race

A Fight For Sanctuary
- by Amanda L. Winand

She wears a sleek white gown, the color of purity. Standing on top of a grassy knoll there is nothing but picturesque beauty as far as the eye can see. But the girl doesn't seem to notice. Tears fall from her face in silent streams and she wraps her bare arms around herself as though she is trying to keep from falling apart. A sudden gust of wind causes her hair to whip about forcefully; she can hardly stand against the strength of it. Without warning she is swept from her feet, abruptly taken from the grassy knoll and all that she knew and loved. Despair.

She falls back into darkness, her hand stretched out to the small patch of light still visible from her grassy knoll that grows ever distant and out of reach. Another ambient light begins to grow brighter from beneath her. But this light is sinister; she feels the devastating heat on her back before ever seeing the flames. She is helpless as she falls toward the lake fire waiting to devour her. The flames reach out like hungry fingers seeking to taste her fragile skin. She falls straight into them. Anguish.

As suddenly as she fell into the fire she all at once comes crashing through it to the other side. Dark water lurked beneath the flames waiting to swallow her for itself. She falls through the surface with the weight of a thousand bricks, a weight that is both crushing and suffocating and more than she could possibly bear. She is drowning, sinking deeper and deeper into the depths of darkness. Hopeless.

She realizes she isn't falling so much as being pulled down violently, far beyond anyone's reach. Once she reaches a dark, empty abyss whatever invisible hands had clutched hold of her have let go. She is floating in this new, empty place. There is nothing. There is no one. Darkness and emptiness become all that she knows. It makes it's way inside her until she feels nothing else, until she forgets what it was like to have ever felt anything else. Defeated.

Just as she accepts her new reality a small distant light comes across her vision. She gets closer until she can see the small grassy knoll she once called home. To return to this place she knows she has to escape the darkness and the emptiness that grievously hold her back. She fights a long exhausting battle against them, earning herself more than a few scars that will never fully heal, but in the end she is victorious. Finally free she returns to her sanctuary to once again experience the joy of the grass beneath her bare feet and the gentle warmth of sunlight caressing her skin. Peace.

Some time passes. The feeling of joyfulness gradually begins to fade and is once again replaced by an inexplicable sadness. That sadness begins to grow into overwhelming sorrow. Tears pool in the hallows of her eyes and fall from her delicate face. She knows what is coming but she is helpless to stop it. The wind begins to grow with the swelling storm inside her. She tries once again to stand against it's force but she isn't strong enough alone. All at once she is pushed from her sanctuary, falling backwards once again into the darkness and all that awaits her there. Depression.

Let me sink like a smooth river stone
An illusion of solid and smooth perfection
Yet a mere chunk of matter
The result of many falls and stumbles
Years of immersion at the surface
Of a relentless and powerful stream

Displace every bit of oxygen within me
Fill my body with water
Suffocate every bit of my existence
Intoxicate every ounce of red fluid with acid
Until this burden that beats within me is defeated
The invasion that frees my soul

You are a sunflower
Stand tall
Let your limbs reach down to the earth
Feel grounded
Feel happiness
Feel peace

You are bright colours
Greens and yellows
Against blue backdrop skies
Feel proud

I am a sunflower
Whose colours have faded
My limbs droop and sag
Feel uprooted
Feel anger
Feel war

I am dull colours
Blacks and whites
Against grey backdrop skies
Feel defeated

Run, run, run, run
He stalks in the night
Where children have fun
Run, run, run, run
Be urgent
Take flight
For a monster comes tonight

Run, small children, and hide
For monsters have come
To cast you aside
A mere fairy tale?
Just some old folklore?
No!
No!
Much worse
Much more.

Upon your hopes
I bring my scar
You're where monsters are

Pin the doors
Sharpen your steel
A beast approaches
A new hunter poaches
To feed on children's cries
Place your fears in the front
Lock your hopes in a jar
You're where monsters are

I am sick and tired of everything.
Leave me alone.
Just give me pens
And markers
A laptop
A notebook

Stop bothering me.

I know, it doesn't work that way.
Please, free me.
I don't want to
Achieve all--
Reach heaven--
Feel happy--

I just want to breathe.

when shall i learn that a line must be drawn
for the sake of my sanity
how can i accept my own demise due to my service of others?
i must wash my hands clean of the guilt i possess
for i harm no one as greatly as myself

i swim in oceans of my misery and drown in pools of my sorrow
terror fills my lungs and breaks away at the tissue in them

¨careful!¨ i scream
i cannot allow myself to fall victim to my own mind
the racing and pumping of my thoughts breaking down the barriers i have built
there is nothing left to protect my self-esteem
no armed guards to stop the negativity in its tracks
no brick wall to block the sadness from reaching me

dangerous. is the only world i can use to describe my thoughts
a battlefield of mines bursting with anger
sticks of dynamite, disguised as flowers to lure and destroy
the question is, who are they meant to hurt?

are they meant to agitate me further to turn my back on myself?
refusing the possibility that happiness can be found?
or are they meant to bring pain to others?
to keep me in control of the opinions and decisions of my peers?
does she aim to help or control?

perhaps, my mind is losing track of what i was thinking
allowing me room to doubt myself
is my mind trying to convince me that i am the parasite in the lives of others,
feeding off of their souls
i believe she is right
to tell me that i do things in order to gain
she tells me, that i do not wish to help, only to hurt

i understand now that i am up against myself
left up to my own devices
no one is under obligation to assist me in battling my demons
i will struggle and fight, until my last breath
to let my own mind defeat me, is to allow defeat inside of my own fortress

i will never be unarmed again