Your stroke paints the blood in my cheek
And your soul is what makes it real
Illuminated by the pangs of idealism
We share this burden's parallelism
But our youthful expenses
Are priceless and uncharted
By the most daring
So let me show you
The way to the bay
To open entries
Of foreign milieus today
Look into my eyes
Under your hair
You're already there

My life in odd numbers
1- You are breathed into this world by two loving parents who are still far too young, still children themselves. They will make mistakes, It will be okay. Forgive them, because everything they do for the next 17 years is to help you.

3- You are developing faster than most kids, they can already tell. This is good but take this increased intellect humbly, for at some point your brain will be all you have.

5- You smile at complete strangers, keep doing that, everyone deserves your kindness. Continue to love everyone unconditionally, this is one of your best qualities.

7- Tell someone. Everyone experiences trauma, some worse than others, some are affected more than others, some blame themselves, don’t. Do not let your trauma take over your life.

9- Your youngest sibling has just been brought home, You will love her so unconditionally that she will sometimes make you forget how much you hate yourself. Hold her as much as possible, you’ll miss this time when she's older.

11- You are in a new, unfamiliar place, this is a good thing. You will meet fantastic people and have good experiences. Accept it for what it is and be open to change.

13- You must learn to get restful sleep. Your all-nighters cannot be your safety blanket forever, You must sleep to heal, to grow. You must face your night terrors.

15- Look at you, stronger now more than ever. But darling you must learn to love yourself before anyone else can truly love you. You’re only hurting yourself because you believe you are not beautiful but trust me, darling, you are beautiful.

17- Stop worrying so much about what the future holds, be happy in the present day because you never know if you will wake up tomorrow.

Come here,
let our eyes meet.
Come here,
watch me drink you in.
Come here,
let me feel your face.
Come here,
watch me grab your hair.
Come here,
let your lips and my lips
become good friends.
Come here,
watch my mouth kiss the tattoos
that decorate your body.
Come here,
let me show you where your
fingers fit.
Come here,
watch the affect you have on me.
Come here,
let me position my body
underneath yours.
Come here,
watch you enter me.

i can not realize
if i am dying,
you may find me dramatic
but i have a twisted obsession

sometimes it makes me want to run
far and fast
instead of having this trapped feeling in my chest
causing me so much internal pain
making me feel like its pain is mine
its problems are mine
since my problems are suddenly its now.
i do not know how to help
because everything i do to try to fix this
makes things worse.
i feel as though
i do not deserve it
because it gives me so many things
that i can not give in return.

i am crumbling underneath this pressure
to fix what is broken
to fix it without wanting to change it
because that is wrong.

when i try to reach out i am pulled back by such regret
since it is so kind to me
and it does everything it is supposed to
and gives me so many things i do not deserve
so why am i still sad.

darling
i love you
but i think that's my problem
i love you but you are like a slow acting poison
i love you but you are a ticking bomb strapped to me
i love you but i do not believe in love
i know you are killing me, but i love how you **** me.
when i want to be alone,
darling you miss me
i can see from a distance i'm dying
and i know you want to try to help it
and i know that my better is your worse.
darling we are a match
we make a huge fire
and we burn each other out faster.

you accept me for who i am
even when i don't
and when i want to change
and improve upon myself
you are the molasses stuck to my feet
seeping into my skin
leaving me still
dreading who i am
unsatisfied because i know
i can fix my problem
but you think i am lovely right now.
i embrace change
but darling you dread it.

this isn't me breaking up with you
because you may never see this, darling
this is me telling you that despite all this
i'm still here
because i'm still invested
in every extending branch of your life
darling this doesn't mean
i won't go down swinging
because i can fan our fire
until we burn down forests
and then some.

i am not always sad
its just often
often i'm sad
often i feel little to nothing
but you don't accept nothing
you accept sad.

darling you warned me
you told me that you would get boring
and i couldn't believe you
but these days it seems like
you've told me everything
and its all the same
you try to help my problems
all the same
you answer trivial questions
all the same
i keep digging
but i feel i'm at the core.

i'm the "right here right now" girl
because there were girls before me
and there will be girls after me
and you may forget me
and i may break your heart
and you may act like its the end of the universe
but it isn't
and you'll move on.
you aren't the "right here right now" boy
you are the first
and i don't want you to be my first mistake.

i wish we moved slower darling
so i could get to know the real you
before i volunteered
for something i didn't understand.

darling
this isn't goodbye
because i'm at the core
but ill keep digging
i will sit through this
until i can't,
because i'm alive
and i believe i can be happy
with you, darling
this is just the hurt
written down
so i could know
when someone finally says goodbye
when i found out
that i'm dying.

An imperfect mix of
Hopes and dreams
Served in a platter
Deliciously tempting
And so hard to resist
The taste of passion
And ultimate regret

Darling how I wish,
We never met.

You look down at the ground. Saying yes I'm okay. Trying not to scream out and cry. You hide the tears and run too the bathroom and slam the door so that no one can see you cry. You pull the cushion over your face as you scream, hopping no one enters your room and see you crying. You take the blade in your hand ready to make those marks. You hold the gun next to your head. You fall on your knees hopping not to fall apart. You tie the rope, tears rolling down your face. You pick up that pen ready to write that letter.

But why?
In a few years you won't even remember the things that are bordering you right now.
You will be sitting on the couch watching TV with your soulmate next to you. Seeing your children run around and smile and laugh.
Why do you even bother crying about such a little thing. And yes I know it is hard but my darling so are YOU!
Look into your eyes and say. I am going to be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow but one day. God will hear your prayers. And he will bless you. Remember life is like a bow and arrow. The more you get pulled back the faster you go forward.

Sleep. Sleep away your pain. It's
all you can do.