stoic, I remain

my heart starves

Your love is a fire
which burns higher and higher.
Started from some caring hands,
it burns throughout our forested land.
It's burned the country mile by mile,
and it won't stop burning for a while.

Friends fade.
I know this.
Why does it hurt though?
Knowing because of a decision I made,
My friendship is fading.

It wasn't a bad move.
I introduced her to another person.
Now her life is consumed by that other person.

She thinks because I've been here for three years
That it's okay to ignore me
Because I'll “Never leave”

Sure.
We will go with that.
I'll cry
I'll think about ending everything
I'll be dramatic
I'll take the poking and prodding
I'll take the “jokes”
I'll take the low blows
I'll take the teasing and the *******
But I'll be there
When she needs me I'll be there
But then I need her she tells me to find someone else

When I need her she tells me what I need to do
When I need her she tells me to **** it up
When I need her she tells me to stop crying

She's a pessimist
What am I expecting?
Nothing,
Anymore.

I'm an optimist.
At least I think I am.

Can I be an optimist when I feel like **** all day?
Can I be an optimist when all I want to do is die?
When all I want to do is never see anyone ever again,
Yet crave human connection?

Why do I care?
Why should I care?

People don't care about me
Why do I care about them so much?

Why should I care that because of me my best friend has new friends?
Why should I care that she does everything with her that she use to do with me,
Even just sitting in silence together.
That was our thing
Now it's theirs.

I shouldn't be angry
Or jealous
I should be happy
She found someone new
A newer, cooler version or me
Right?

She doesn't need me anymore.
She was the one to put the time limit on the friendship
Not me

When we get into arguments she says
The two years is past it's due.
Like we weren't supposed to be friends for this long
With this mentality
She doesn't try to repair
To fix
To care
I put in double the effort for something she doesn't want to fix
Because it's over the expiry date
Because
According to her
Our friendship is rotten
Something that shouldn't be
Something that is an anomaly in her life
And because of this she doesn't think she should care
That she shouldn't try

I’m high then suddenly low
I wish to die before I grow old
Not wanting to burden the ones around me
Rather be sad and forever lonely
If that’s the case
I’m a waste of space
The constant disappointment in my mothers eyes
The slips of blatant lies  
Depressed feelings is what I’ve kept
I’m destroying myself until there’s nothing left
My stomach stays in knots
I’m a movie without a plot
I’m the tree without the branches
Was never gifted second chances
Made promises I was forced to keep
I’m only alive when I’m asleep
So these are my last words ever to be said
The secrets I place inside my head

"**** is that her trying to comfort you?"
No, that's her actually noticing that it ***** and doing something
You didn't answer it even when I pointed at it subtly
I bet you were just laughing

Jealousy fills you again
At this point I've given up
I don't know what to say
I don't want to say; you're the only friend that matters and yeah what the hell was she thinking?

She cares and I know she does
She shows it not through a lot of talking or jokes
She shows through small things that show me she notices them

You said you'd keep it away from me
Yet here we are again
You're pushing it onto me

Must be **** that I saw it before you deleted the text saying that
I won't address it
I'm not making that mistake again

What matters
Is that you realized
You shouldn't have sent that text in the first place

Hi there
I believe we've met
I saw you sitting all the way over
                             next to me, quiet.
"Are you ok?" - I ask because I care
tearing apart myself
can't bear to not remember
I need to ask you better questions
questions like "Are you ok?"
                           Am I ok?
I'm so bad at conversation and I am
robotic and expressionless but
you help me express feeling that
           screams alive
I saw you sitting all the way over there
so I came closer and
put my arm around you
and you...
                   flinched

Maybe I'm not around
quite as often as I used to.
Maybe I don't post threads
quite as often as I used to.
Little things I should have said and done
I just keep to myself now.

You are always on my mind.
Maybe I didn't tell you
all those many, many times
but I often thought of you
hoping you would be fine
only wanting for you the best
as I know you need to rest.

You are always on my mind.
Tell me, tell me what you're doing with your time.
Give me, give me one more little sign
to keep me satisfied, satisfied.
Little things I can imagine in my mind
how you're killing your time.

You are always on my mind.
Maybe I'm not around
quite as often as I used to.
Maybe I don't post threads
quite as often as I used to.
Little things I should have said and done
I just keep to myself now.
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that I know you.
Maybe I didn't tell you
quite as often as I should have.