Sometimes I fear that if I'm too quiet everyone may hear what I'm thinking; what I'm feeling.  What I know to be true is that every time I'm around you my little world crumbles and all I want to do is take cover with you.

Often when I'm alone I find myself lost in a jumbled word wreckage like being in a junk yard trying to find something that will satisfy the search efforts.

At times I forget where I am in the middle of a conversation because my mind is trying to run away. Too many ideas and my brain can't just sit down and hang out with us for one whole topic. Say goodbye as she finds another path to walk on.

Loneliness can only be washed away by my thoughts, but, counting seconds until I drown, I no longer have the time to save myself.

Sun's warmth on my back,
Outdoor pools are open,
Hiking and have a pack,
More people out than in,
Walking,
Biking,
Running,
Playing,
Somethings are not easily delaying,
Gardening,
Cleaning,
Picnics,
Fun,
Some of us in the sun,
Heat,
Water,
Slides,
Pool,
Maybe even no more school,
These are signs of summer.

you ever get that feeling—
you know that feeling.
it’s that feeling you get
when you’re sitting in your room,
the lights are off
(or on, it doesn’t really matter)
and suddenly the world

stops

for a second.
your eyes refocus,
but everything’s blurry now,
you can’t breathe,
you’re swimming,
drowning,
flailing through smoke,
sludge—
the emotions
that swell up, in,
out of your chest
in the form of tears.

you know that feeling—
do you know that feeling?
it hurts, and it’s suffocating,
it tells you
“you can’t do it,
you’re a mess,
why are you here,
stop trying, stop
lying to yourself,
it won’t get any better,
you’re a waste of space,

just die.”

i know that feeling.
only it’s not a feeling.
sometimes it’s a state of mind,
a frame of perception,
a weeping shudder
where you want to cry
and you can choose to do so.
but you don’t.
it hurts, doesn’t it?
it tears through you,
doesn’t it?

i don’t know what you feel.

i know what i feel, but
i can’t name it.
there has to be a better word
than “depression,”
because depression
sounds like you’re stuck in a
deep rut with no way out,
and there has to be a way out.
other people have a way out.

and what does it mean to be
“suicidal” anyway?
to me, it’s a reminder—
i have a trigger in my hands,
and i can pull it any time—
but i don’t want to remind myself;
because for me, a reminder means
death,
and while i don’t care for death
i care for disappointment,
and—

i made a promise
and i curse it,
but it’s a promise,
so unless i want a
needle in the eye,
i’ll keep it.

so.

do you know this feeling?
i’d rather you didn’t.
i’d rather you move on with life
never having to know this feeling,
never having to struggle
to get out of bed,
having to suffocate
inside yourself,
having to hate what you are.
and if you do know this feeling,
i hope this is the last of it.
i really hope so.

in the mean time, however,
i’ll be here.
if you ever get that feeling,
again or otherwise,
i’ll be here,
drowning and suffocating,
sinking underwater.
but i’ll be alive.
no matter how much it hurts,
i’ll be alive.

and i’d like to be alive with you.

9 to 10, new among busy men
10 to 11, have a meet inside cabin
11 to 12, got working shelve
That's how it started

12 to 1, almost done
1 to 2, had lunch too
2 to 3, continue working spree
That's how it went

3 to 4, do work don't bore
4 to 5, its a busy life
5 to 6, soon  I'll be into this mix
That's how it end

I am leaving, and you are the only one I want to see.
You make it difficult, because you are oh so busy.
"Oh, I'm working," is one of your lies.
When you're actually seeing guy after guy.
Stop with the boys, stop with the lies.
Your promiscuity is impossible to hide.

We seem to gravitate towards coffee shops, even those who don't like hot beverages find themselves there. I suppose it's a good place to let go your baggage. Lose yourself for five minutes. Loosen up and unwind. That's hard to do even on a good day. The world always has an agenda that needs seeing to. Rather selfish of the Earth to be honest, and quite damaging to your self worth. You can't be at it's beck and call 24/7. But we try to, dear God do we try. Of course this leads to us burning up rather spectacularly. Giving, worrying, stressing, doing. Until we are left smoking, steam rising like a freshly made coffee. But nothing is fresh here. Burnt coffee. Unusable. No longer capable of the great feats we once were. Like the world had chewed us up and spit us out when we're no longer useful. What a *******. But what can you do to stop a *******? Not much as they are inheritly selfish - deep down in their very core, nothing but molten arrogance, festering beneath their skin this sense of entitlement. That is what it is. You can't change the world from what it is. Just as much as you can not change who you are. So take five minutes and go to a coffee shop. Lose yourself in a hot beverage. Watch the steam rise and be thankful it isn't yours.

In this busy world we live,
we often forget the things
that's important in our life. Somethings just can't be
easily forgotten.
You only been in my life for a second but it seemed to be a lifetime.
the things we did,
the moments we had,
will always be
unforgettable.

So much commotion
Takes over my tired brain
Can I just sit still?