watching you walk away
was like a bullet in my chest
you told me you wished me
nothing but the best

but how could that exist?
without the one thing I need
how can I follow
if you aren’t there to lead?

and who’s going to protect
me from everything bad?
who’s going to dry my tears
when I am terribly sad?

I bet you never thought
of that did you?
a bullet in my chest
it shot straight through

shot straight to my
still beating heart
took away my life
so away you start

off to be free of the burden
I was upon you
so you shot me in the heart
& it went right through.

I am your madness
I am the voice in your mind
I am your demon
That says do not be kind

I drive you to ****, and to steal, and to maim
I make you smile and laugh as they try to escape
I make you grin as you cut them all down
Their dead, lifeless bodies fall limp to the ground

I am your madness
And you can not run away
I am your demon
Just accept it's your fate

To find joy in the pain of the strong and the weak
And destroy all the solace of those who seek peace
I'm why you laugh as they grovel and cry
I make you love how they bleed as they die

I am your madness
I am your insanity
I am your demon
You will never be free

Slit my wrists
What happens next?
The blood drips down
On to my desk

The pain feels sharp
Inside my mind
It clears my eyes
No longer blind

The world is clear
I'm able to see
How people can show
Such cruelty

Why stay here?
There's nothing left
And nobody cares
About my death

So I deepen the cuts
Lean back in my chair
And fade away
'Cause I don't care

Read to me about things i'll never see
Imagine I'm sitting up in a hospital bed
Cradled by white cotton pillows infused with bleach
Empty clear bendy plastic cups sit neglected
My usual lipstick stains stayed in the handbag today
Your fingertip bruises decorate me instead
I once thought:
There is no better colour than the colour that they put into your eyes
That is the colour of the liquid that they have put in the drip bag
I might not be able to picture that colour, but I recognise the feeling of it entering my body
Rusty clots and mascara dust barricade it from leaving

Maybe not immediately
Or in a weeks time
But the cells of my heart muscles are becoming saturated with the juices
Becoming preserved in syrup
Seized and breathless

I knew that from the very first time I have been a can of something
Its label torn off
Unsealed and bleeding
And we both knew Duct tape couldn't keep that together
Still my hands were cupped trying to clasp
But now Its embedded under my fingernails.

Dying and breaking
Left in the desert sand
Left to bleed out and die for the vultures
No one
No savior
Is coming
Breath comes fast and dry
Is this what it feels like to be forsaken?
Left so alone that there is no one, no savior?
At least I'm good for one thing
Food
Food for the vultures
Thoughts of my old suicide attempts come to mind again
Maybe this is my time. Please please let it be.
My body I want to forsake
My heartbeat I want to escape
Eyes slowly drifting closed
Forsake forsake forsake my body
Leave it for the vultures that eat forsaken and deception any and everyday

It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking of the way you hold your cigarette.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking of the way the street lights shine on your back as you longboard down the street.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking of the way you speak about the bands you love.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking about the fact that you love your cigarettes more than you fancied me.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking about the way you left that day.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking of how you said you weren't ready for commitment and I couldn't help but stare at the tattoos across your skin.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking about the way you spoke of her as though she were the perfect piece. It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking about how I was the only person in your life that you didn't see as a form of art.
Maybe I wasn't broken enough for you.
It's 1:00am and my wrists are bleeding and I wonder, if you saw me now, would you think I'm broken enough for you to love me?

Sun settled over
beetroot sky, like
mother hen over
clutch.

And I could smell
the beetroots burning
against horizon
shift.

Sizzle-flip
and turn them over.
Leaking pale red into
the sea.

One dimensional folding paper,
greaseproof (we presume);
Wrap it up, tape the ends.
Send light to the moon.

A broken heart
Its wound invisible
Yet it bleeds the soul
Of even the last hope*









© Amitav (Radiance)

Cascades of hearts
Entangle these walls
In the early mourning
Their glory calls.

Scarlet red trumpets
That play to the sun.
Singing somber music
Till the mourning is done

They've over grown
My bleeding heart
Destined to die
From the very start

Once surrounded
By forget me knots
But the glory overgrew
And I guess I forgot.

Laid to rest
In a desolate hole
Bleeding heart roots,
My lonely soul

Cascades of hearts
Entangle these walls
In the early mournings
I sing with their calls