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Dec 2014 · 438
21. For My Dearest
Keilah Dec 2014
The open windows
that look gently
into your eyes
are now gleaming
with nothing
but
a dead-ended path
to an unknown and
unwanted world.

The tears that I
could have dried
from the bellowing
emptiness or the
impending crack
on your nowhere
heart.

The string of pearls
that would have
looked perfectly calm
on your ragged breaths
and purple-dyed veins.

The brittle bones
of your fingers
that should have held
the pen and drew words
and written images with
are now dusts on
my empty shelves.

The world is nothing
but cruel.

The closed casket
that locked your deep
brown eyes
form the rest of the
enemies and the
goodness
of  humanity.

The empty IV dripping
with nothing
but the
the dreams, the nightmares,
the tears, the plans
of the lost and
the ******.

My dearest,
where are you?

Hold me close
and make me feel
the tiny patches of
coldness in your bruised
skins. Hold me close
and make me hear
the cries that I could
never console.
Hold me close and
read this with me.
Oct 2014 · 484
20. Self-solitude
Keilah Oct 2014
I never knew that self-solitude can
feel this lonely and lovely,
that the four walls of comfort
somehow found its way under your skin
and bitterly burns every inch of you.

Your proclamation of happiness somehow
found your center and bundled it up
with a dim shade of gray
and the only thing you find precious
is your packet of cancer

and your bottle of dread -
two things keeping you alive
in every way possible, every time,
every breath, every waking moment.

Chapped lips and dried tongues;
gasping lungs and spinning room;
loss of voice and the inability to scream.
Aug 2014 · 2.5k
19. The Selfish
Keilah Aug 2014
kiss me -
the bareness of my neck
the fragility of my collars

trace me -
the curl of my ear
the geometry of my spine

choose me -
over &
over
Aug 2014 · 459
18. Tick, Tock
Keilah Aug 2014
When will your lips touch
the new scratches on my scars?

When will your fingers linger
just across my cheek, just
as the pain drips?

When will your spool caress
my fragmented windows?

When will your touch erase
the marks of his hits, the proof
of his existence, the crack
he left me with?

Where are you?
I've been waiting for you.
(Far too long)

Please come soon,
for the pain is quite unbearable
and I might not be here
when you decide
to.
Aug 2014 · 522
17. Fragments
Keilah Aug 2014
It's tedious to care
for someone as much
as I care
about you.

And I hope that
the tiny fragments
you planted
inside of me
will never be so
inconsiderately
left inside of you
too.

For the indifference
in the beat of my heart
and the longing
in the depths of my soul
will leave a mark
indelibly - in me,
beyond me.
Aug 2014 · 3.9k
16. Cheats
Keilah Aug 2014
Do you want to know
how I knew?

It's in the way
that you say her name -
like a criminal
caught red-handed,
yet forcing an alibi.
Jul 2014 · 674
15. Please
Keilah Jul 2014
I search for your face
in this sea of people and your voice
lulls me closer
even if
I haven’t heard it
yet.
Jul 2014 · 488
14. Songs
Keilah Jul 2014
All I wanted was for the music
to remind me of you
not of my heartbreaks,
my pain, my doubts, my stupidity.

All I wanted was for the rhythm
to flow mellifluously along
the beat of my heart
as it synchs with yours.

All I wanted was for the beat
to move me along
just as how you did
when you first tugged my hand (and eventually, my heart)

All I wanted was for the notes
to make me think of your voice
just before we fall asleep
and immediately after we wake.

(Is it possible to lose the ear
for the tune of your favourite
song?)

All I wanted was for the pieces
to fit back to its jigsaw
where it (rightfully should and) used to be,
but how is that?

When every song in my storage
reminds me of the failed
last act we did and never had the courage
to actually fix?
Jul 2014 · 674
13. Nicotine
Keilah Jul 2014
Burn me -
everything I have:
my lungs, my body,
my soul, my sanity

Engulf me in your flames -
along with my all:
my memories, my sorrow,
my happiness, my tomorrows

Leave me in ruins -
among ashes,
among matches,
and an empty cigarette packet.
Jun 2014 · 402
12.
Keilah Jun 2014
12.
My heart literally aches
with my everyday breath.
4 days in, without you,
without your voice that caresses my ears
every night;
without your genuine laughter for my
stupid jokes;
without your touch that I have craved
since the moment I met you;
without you.

You have infiltrated my daily ways,
my everyday routine, my tiny gestures.
You have conquered my needs, wants, and all of which makes me, me.
You, you selfish *******.
You made my ways all about you.

The way I cook (without you
tangled on the width of my waist)
The way I wash the dishes (without you
landing your fingers on my nose)
The way I watch the tube (without you
nuzzling the contour of my neck)
The way I walk (without you
intertwining your hands with mine)
The way I do things, my every day things-
without you.

You, you stupid *******.
You made my life about you.
You, you shameless *******.
You made the tiniest thing special.
You, you ****** human.
You made everything perfect.
You.
You are gone.

And now I miss you.
I miss you.
Jun 2014 · 502
11. Repeat after you
Keilah Jun 2014
I have listened to a single song
a hundred of times.
I have watched a movie
five times in a week.
I have read a book
over and over again.
I have inked quotes on my arms
a million times over.

I am good - no great
- with repetitions.
The idyllic sound of it in my ears
The calm, soothing visual on my eyes
The insatiable want for familiarity
The loops, and returns, and hoops, and lavish rhymes in my mind.
I am good - no great
- with repetitions.

But you - yes you -
made me sick of what I once thought
as beautiful.
You fed me words, phrases, tunes, sonnets, lines, quotes, rhythms
(over and over again)

You know what they repeatedly whispered
in my dull, aching ears?
"I don't want you anymore"

And you know what my stupid,
***** of a mouth said?
"Give me one more chance"

Never have a repetition made
my stomach churn
with sickness and
loathing for me.
Yes me.
Jun 2014 · 840
10. If love
Keilah Jun 2014
If love for you
is repeatedly running away,
continuously throwing everything,
brutally shutting me down,
and forcing yourself to never mouth,
then cut me a piece of your love
and I'd gladly give it
to someone who's masochistic
enough.
Jun 2014 · 1.6k
9. Chase me nots
Keilah Jun 2014
I used to romanticize chases:
the sweet gestures,
the undeniable want to get something –
someone, anyone
the unconscious submission for love –
lust, want

I used to romanticize being chased:
something –
someone following my every breath
someone forcing himself for my love –
lust, want
someone who wouldn’t give me up

someone proving that I am neither wrong
nor right
someone giving me the privilege of wanting
tomorrow
someone constant, someone
just someone

I never thought that consistency
will soon become undone,
that the only constant thing in one’s life
will soon go back to ashes,
that willingness and love –
lust, want,
will soon disappear
like he did

I used to romanticize the chase:
the everyday with gifts and kisses,
the unconditional pain it will deal you,
the reassurance that you will never have.

I used to romanticize the chase,
but I never thought that
I'd be the one who
*chases.
Jun 2014 · 3.1k
8. Fucking mornings
Keilah Jun 2014
**** up
your daily dose of caffeine
and face the world
with nothing else but
an empty slate for hope
and
a drained cup of faith
Jun 2014 · 275
7. Untitled
Keilah Jun 2014
I have always thought that cutting my ties
with you would devastate me, would crumble me apart, would rip my heart out and let it trample on a sea bed of nails.

I have always thought of us as the chosen ones. That the years we had would forever be there, that our version of forever will linger for 8 more years.

I have always thought that your kisses will wake me up every morning and will doze me off every night.

I have always thought that your voice will forever sing me songs and lull me back to your arms.

But that is what they all are: *thoughts
Jun 2014 · 395
5. Please do
Keilah Jun 2014
If I could erase the memories,
I will.
If I could taser myself dead,
I will.
If I could just sleep,
I will.
If I could just unlove you,
If I could just remove you,
If I could just stay,
If I could just change,
If I could just be okay,
If I could just be perfect for you,
I will.

If you could just come back,
please do.
Jun 2014 · 276
4. Mornings
Keilah Jun 2014
Wouldn't our years be wasted
Wasted for every wrong move,
Wrong decision, wrong person?

Wouldn't my efforts be consumed
By flames, sparks and time
Were it all for you?

Wouldn't my mornings be tainted
If I have believed that you were to
Wake up next to me?

Wouldn't I have been a greater fool
To waste my time waking up next to a
Woman who can't give me her all?
Maybe so.
Jun 2014 · 313
3. What Hurt The Most
Keilah Jun 2014
Is when you finally told me
that we were too young
to believe in forever
Jun 2014 · 737
2. Aftershave
Keilah Jun 2014
I opened the shutters and light eventually claimed
the perfection covered by my blanket. Dozing off
like it wasn't past eight and he had work
to do.

Last night was beautiful. It seemed like we were the after-effect
of a writer’s figment of imagination. No existing words
could ever describe and give justice as to how graceful and
stunning we were.

He held my hands – filling up the spaces that once stood
alone (but now never again). He touched the small of
my back and danced with me in the moon lit veranda with
only candles to witness us both.

His neck radiated of fresh soap and mint. His breath of
chocolate-covered strawberries we have shared fifteen minutes
ago. His soft, delicate hands tracing the non-existent contour
of my waist.

We swayed along Muse and Switch foot. As the last seconds
of our last song neared, he took me in his arms, and
put my lips against his. No one to see, no one to judge, no one
to ever write of.

Time flew so fast, yet so slow. Seconds turned into minutes,
minutes turned into hours, hours turned into centuries, and
after all my infinite nanoseconds, we were back under my covers
giggling like 5 year-olds, as love-stricken back in 2002.

And seeing his eyelids flutter now, I wonder if you are
ever going to leave again. Leave me back in my slumber, with no
deep brown eyes to wake up to. And without you, no one’s going to
*empty my aftershave or tie up my necktie anymore.
Jun 2014 · 985
1. Packing
Keilah Jun 2014
I fished a box from the bottom of my closet
The box I have used and reused
(For quite some time)
(For the same enough reasons)
For I have nothing more left

I placed three of your shirts
(Same scent since you last wore it)
(Same scent since I last used it)
Two of which I have altered for my figure
One which reminds me of your sweat, your body, your fervor

As much as it pains me,
I need to give up the ones that lingered the most too.
A book for every special occasion
A novel for every month, for every day
I wanted to keep the memories (but not you)

I stacked Percy Jackson, Amy and Roger.
I piled Riggs, Clare and Seth Baumgartner.
I sealed the words that once got me through
(The days without you)
I’m giving them all back, so you’d know how it feels too.

I peeled our smiles, the kisses and hugs, the happy days
(Which we used to have)
I removed our photos from my collage
I deleted you from my camera
And I’m returning (our love) the products of your films to you.

I kept one. One photograph to remind me
Of how much I have loved and lost.
I kept one. To forever have this memory
Of how much love we had.
I kept one. (To remind me never to come back)

I untangled the bracelet, the necklace and the ring.
I have spent my minutes treasuring them.
But my time spent is enough.
Now, this will be yours to have.
To remind you (too) to never come back.

— The End —