They say it isn't my fault.
They say I'm not to blame.
They say I did all I could.
They say I'm...
                            A hero...

They say I fought for freedom.
They say I fought for what was right.
They say I gave more than enough,
They say I DID more than enough.

How do they know?
What could they know?
How dare they say I gave ENOUGH!
HOW DARE THEY SAY I DID ENOUGH!

I'M STILL ALIVE!
I'M STILL BREATHING!
I'M NOT A HERO!
I'm... not...

I could have saved someone...
I could've taken that shot...
I SHOULD HAVE saved someone.
I SHOULD HAVE taken that shot.

It should've been me...
Why couldn't it be me...
I failed them...
I failed everyone.

I didn't see enough.
I didn't do enough.
I didn't **** enough.
No... I wasn't enough...

I wasn't enough of a Marine.
I wasn't enough of a husband.
I'm not enough of a father.
I'm no longer human enough.

Can I be enough for once?
Can I be strong enough?
Happy enough?
Loved enough...

Someone...
                         Anyone...

I don't want to be abandoned again...
Ah... thats right...
There's not enough of me left.
No... there wasn't enough to start.

There could never be enough,
Because I started with nothing.
I could never be strong enough,
Since the foundation wasn't enough.

I thought I was enough...
But there isn't even enough
For me to dream...
I was never...
                           enough...

Humanity is your ability to feel,
It's you're ability to think.
To experience love,
To live for someone else.

It's one's ability to feel empathy,
To experience a myriad of emotions.
That it what it is to be Human.
But what about me?

I don't feel happy,
I don't feel empathy.
I've forgotten the warmth of love.
I survive for myself.

My happiness left with my family.
My love left with a divorce.
My empathy left with the first shot.
Am I still Human?

Can i still be Human
If all I can feel is hatred.
Can I still be Human
If all I have is anger.

Can I still be Human
if I only experience is pain.
With all that I have become,
Am I still considered Human?

I left to defend our home,
I left to defend what was right,
But when I came back,
I was broken
                         and you knew.

You saw the fires of passion,
The light of my desires,
The warmth of my smile.
Yet when I came back they were gone.

You knew that what I'd seen,
What I had done
In those rolling hills of sand and rock
Broke me, and yet you did nothing.

I gave my heart and soul to you,
You gave me a child with it.
But now I don't know.
Whether it was mine or not.

You were my home,
Yet when I came back
You turned around and closed the door.
Now I look through a window.

And watch as my daughter
Doesn't even recognize me.
She's afraid of me
And I don't know why.

And that.
That is what leaves me shattered.
It makes all those horrors come alive.
Everything I thought I had left behind.

I don't see myself in the mirror,
I see what I was,
I see all the people whose lives
Ended with the reflection in my eyes.

I see my brother's and my sisters,
Not by blood but by Creed,
I see the innocents that caught
Between us and those against us.

And I can see the pity in their eyes.
Now I know who really got lucky,
It wasn't me but them.
For they don't have any worries.

They left those for the ones who survived,
They cried as they left us,
I cried because I couldn't save them,
And now I cry because no one can save me.

My resolve becomes thinner each day,
I stopped myself once,
But my time is near.
I will join you soon.

For there is nothing left for me here.
No loved ones left.
No one who would chase away my demons.
No one to anchor me.

This is no longer my home.
But I'll be there soon...
I loved you more than you know.
This will be my goodbye...
                                                 One day.

Life in middle never bears fruit
Of love or understanding from
Many but a few, and the few that
Do make up for all the loss

In their lives until someone
From outside the family
Can come in and take their hearts
But for the middle that may never

Happen for most all of us
Have been broken down
Emotionally and mentally
To the point that pain
And loss becomes irrelevant
To the point that love becomes

Something to be feared while
Also something to be cherished
The middle knows that while
They may find love in time

Love may never truly find them for eternity
Because all the pain and loss
They felt throughout their
Life built up walls of fear

And anxiety so thick that
Even the strongest drill could
Barely scratch in a hundred
Years of companionship

And though they may try to tear
Down their own walls
The moment they hit
The walls for the first time

All the fear and anxiety that
They built the wall to keep out
Shall come rushing in
Flooding their mind with all the

Remembrances of loneliness
And heartbreak that they’ve
Felt over the years of
Their life that they shut away.

But as all of it floods back
Into their mind they build their
Wall back up faster than either
Could have chipped away

Faster than they can change
The way they look at their
Love, but as they realize
What they are doing they

Push the one they love away
So that they can’t hurt them
Anymore than they already have
That is the life in the middle.

A cycle of fear, and anxiety
That cripples their will to
Love and stretch beyond
What they have been since they can remember.

No one wants to be the middle
For all it represents his heartbreak
That only a few ever try to change
And fewer ever succeed.

Why must every waking moment
Of every day be plagued
By the thoughts of fear?

Thoughts of fear towards the one I love,
Whether or not she still loves me
Or if some other guy took her from me in the night.

Or whether she’s decided I’m not the one she wants,
And that as soon as i say good morning
She’ll respond with a good bye.

But worst of all I’m a afraid
That she just won’t respond to me at all
And that she’ll ignore me for a reason I don’t know.

Maybe if I looked at myself
In the mirror harder than i look at others
Then maybe I could discover what it is
That makes me fear a relationship so much…

But I’m more scared of what
I may find inside myself that I’ve been
Hiding all my life,

My secrets that are better left buried for all eternity,
The darkness that dwells forever in my heart
And the light that is flickering in my soul.

That light, it is the only light left,
The only vestige of good left inside of me.
And although it may never go out
It may become so small that it is insignificant.

Maybe if I can relight that once
Strong burning light then maybe
Just maybe I won’t be so scared…

Or maybe I should just let
That last vestige of light go out
Maybe it’d be better
For everyone for it to go out
And me along with it.

Maybe everyone would be better
Off if i had just left before they could know me
Maybe it would give them more happiness

Or maybe it’d allow them
To not feel the pain that always seems
To follow me wherever I go…

Maybe, just maybe
If that light goes out
I won’t be able to hurt anyone
Anyone but myself anymore.

The night sky athe which I stare
The inky darkness lights lay bare.
That night sky that such beauty,
That same sky lit by the Sun's solemn duty

And reflected in the moons white lustor
Through that void of darkness I muster,
My stance on the plateau of courage.
It is upon this vast plateau of courage

I must face the ever awakening days that mercilessly cause damage
To my mind where my sanity will rummage and sift,
Where hope will take hold
Of all the pieces that lay broken and cold

I look up at the night sky...
The edge where life become a lie.
The beautiful sky I watch from here
While I stare you all come near,
And before I know it the Light shines.

Before I look down I watch the lines,
The lines of my life as they dissappear.
All the sadness and happiness from behind.
As you all stand there and smile
I wish I could stay a while.

But I know this is the end.
I watch the time we've spent blend,
And before that inky black does take me
I take your hands so I may see

The love for which my life did not lie
And finally, after so long. I cry.
I cry for all the things that could've been,
And for all the things I'd do again.

I cry because this is the end of me,
And I cant bear the sight you see.
Through all my success and strife
This is how all must end who have life.

Sleep...
How wonderful your call,
Yet for me you do not ring,
For what reason do you stall?
Why can't I hear you sing?

My eyes are heavy yet not,
My body cold and numb,
My bed is soft unlike that cot,
Why dou you not come...

Sleep...
              Sleep....
                             Sleep....

Not for me....
Why cant I just dream
Of the worlds I cannot see,
The ones just beyond the seam.

My body fight beyond it's brink,
Pushing against what it needs,
The sleep I wish to sink,
The relief that only sleep breeds.

Then why must my thoughts slip
Back towards the words i said,
Words said as a quip,
Words that anger did wed.

Why must I think always think...
Think think think...
What good comes from the brink?
What thoughts are drowned in a sink?

I do not now....

But for now...

Sleep has finally called me,
But the only button I have
Is the red button of tonight,
And now the dark consumes all...

You see I'm hurting inside
You see that all I want to hide
But you also see that I want you
To hold me, to grip me and not let go

But this time when I push you
Away hoping, needing you to come closer
You don't, you walk away further
Than before, further than I pushed

But I guess that's fine...
For what more can I have but pain?
Pain runs through my poems line
Like all the tears hidden by the rain

Like all the scars on my heart,
And all of them on my mind,
But it's the ones that stain my soul
And make it red, well maybe before

It all got worse it was simply red
But now whenever I look in the
Mirror hoping to see a smile in
My own eyes all I see anymore is

Black void of sadness and pain
That plagues my soul hidden
Behind the light I took from the
Bulb and put in my eyes

Hidden behind the smile
Stolen from pictures on the web
That I glued to my face
But even though you see all this

You didn't push towards me,
No, all you did was leave me
To sink through my darkness,
To sink through my thoughts

That convince me you love
Someone else, my thoughts
That convince me theirs another
Lover always staring at you

In the form that I thought
Was explicitly mine to see.
Pain, it flows through my mine
like it flows through my soul

And through the lines of my poem,
I guess pain is the main constant
In my life, with sprinkles of disappointment
and pretense of happiness to make it

Taste like sugar as it runs
through who I am.
Thanks for showing me the light...
Actually, for taking it away when I needed it most...

To those who look in the mirror
And see a beautiful person
And those that look in the mirror
But see nothing.

It matters not what cold gray world
We all may live on
Or a world of vibrant green and gold
It is our world.

Soak what gray you most in blood.
Whether it be black blood of hate
                       Blue blood of envy
             Green blood of greed
         Purple blood of lust
Or the crimson of life.

Take this world in your hands
And cradle whats here.
There is someone who understands.
Someone with your taste.

Take the leg broken amd trode upon
And pick yourself up.
Prove that the strongest people
See nothing in the mirror.

Show that the empty mirror
Only shows whats important to you.
Those that see a beautiful person...
Show them that hate
                        Hate is the best motivator

The best for success.

The best for a great life.

For hate is a driving force
Behind the bullet that is you.
Fired feom the mouth of that
Beauty seeking mirror looker.

Take beauty from your surroundings
As well as within yourself.
Only then will you finally see
Something in your mirror.

And what you'll see wont be beauty
But success.

Seen or unseen,
It matters not to the strong.
Because the mirror isn't real.
You made it because they did.

Destroy ot like you did their words.
Use that broken leg to stand tall.
Taller than anyone.

But always remember where you come from.
Stay humble no matter where life leads.

For if you don't
Your reflection will change.
And so will your leg.

It's not common of me to be late,
It's not something for which I strive,
Day in and day out you sit out front and wait,
You wait to see if I'm late so you may wake the hive.

The hive of insults and jeers,
Just to make me look inadequate,
You amp it up inside just for the cheers,
the cheers of all inside who want me to quit.

It's not something I want,
All this hate because of a mistake,
With my head hung low as you flaunt
The fire you brought to me tied at the stake.

Enjoy yourself for now
because soon that fire will be mine.
And when its mine you'll wonder how
You became the first burning in line.

The fires of my rage burn brighter and brighter
while your darkness grows dimmer.

The day is coming for me to be free,
And a glorious revenge I
                                                WILL
                                                               TAKE.

Wind howling in my ears,
Sand slicing, biting, through my skin,
The faces plaguing my dreams of fear.
Their mouths all in a maniacal grin.

Pain flashing; arm burning;
Tumbling through the air.
An arm falling in my lap,
It's not mine but his.

My friend.
My driver.
The back I promised to watch.
The family man I know him to be.

No dont look at me that way!
Stop... please...
It's not my fault I survived.
It's not my fault you died.

No dont leave... please...
You're all I have left,
You're my last memory of him.
Stay... please...

The cracking of barrels,
Whizzing of bullets,
I'm sorry I have to go.
My other brothers need me.

You're eyes are already dead,
You're blood has run cold.
But they aren't gone yet,
Their blood is still warm.

A shot runs through my shoulder,
Strange voices coming from everywhere,
One saying to get back,
Another saying it's happening again...

What's happening?
What do you mean again?
Head hurting, splitting, painful.
Everything around me is fading...

No dont leave... please...
This is all I have left of them...
My friends who fell,
My brothers by creed not blood.

White lights, white clothe.
Strange voices speaking strange words.
A man in blue and white,
Red spatters of blood on his shirt.

It makes sense,
For now I see,
I was rescued.
One out of four.

I'm alive...
I survived...
It should've been them.
Why couldn't it have been them.

Voices
            Voices
                         Voices
Constantly speaking,
Raging
              Whispering
Talking?

Why won't they be QUIET,
silence...
Speaking; chatting; voices
                  Voices
   Voices

I can hear them in my head.
They speak louder at night,
All I want is sleep in my bed.
The sound in my head is like a bite.

No not sound.
Voices
               Voices
                                 Voices.

No sleep for me,
No sleep for them.
So why do they speak faster,
While my mind slinks slower.

Wait...
            silence...
                             At last...

The voices begin to sleep
Yet my mind is awake.
Thinking, guessing, hurting.
My eyes are heavy while my head is light.

The voices.
They talk again.
Simple, easing, slow.
Their words flow like honey.

Sweet and savory,
Whispering truths of the past...
Or are they my living lies.
My eyes do not know.

For they drop to darkness,
Ending the voices noise
From the fore and bringing
The sweet darkness of dark sleep.