Any day now, I'm either gonna **** somebody, or end up dead myself.
Dramatic, I know.
And hey, maybe nobody will take me seriously when I say that.
So far, the only people who give a **** are the people who believe I'm still a good person. And I'm not saying they're wrong, I'm just saying it doesn't matter to me if they're right.
Because I don't feel I deserve anything.
I can never focus on anything. I'm writing this because I should be doing other work right now. But when I'm not thinking about this, I'm overworking, or sleeping, or crying again, or shouting again.
I feel physically sick just being in this much pain. It's never gonna be driven out of my body until I get a **** miracle.
But those aren't really coming my way.
If karma is responsible for all of this than haven't I endured enough? Something needs to break the cycle. Or I just have to break. Act out, get expelled or suspended, consider the empty possibility of my thanatophobia finally leaving me.
I stopped caring about myself when an old enemy decided to step in and come after me. But the remarkable thing is that I handled it without attracting more trouble. That doesn't mean it didn't pain me to set myself aside to do so.
I'm not a complete pacifist. And my dangerous nature only gets stronger when left unquestioned by all. So yeah, I'm scared as hell of myself. But then again, so are other people.
I hate this.
Why must every waking moment
Of every day be plagued
By the thoughts of fear?
Thoughts of fear towards the one I love,
Whether or not she still loves me
Or if some other guy took her from me in the night.
Or whether she’s decided I’m not the one she wants,
And that as soon as i say good morning
She’ll respond with a good bye.
But worst of all I’m a afraid
That she just won’t respond to me at all
And that she’ll ignore me for a reason I don’t know.
Maybe if I looked at myself
In the mirror harder than i look at others
Then maybe I could discover what it is
That makes me fear a relationship so much…
But I’m more scared of what
I may find inside myself that I’ve been
Hiding all my life,
My secrets that are better left buried for all eternity,
The darkness that dwells forever in my heart
And the light that is flickering in my soul.
That light, it is the only light left,
The only vestige of good left inside of me.
And although it may never go out
It may become so small that it is insignificant.
Maybe if I can relight that once
Strong burning light then maybe
Just maybe I won’t be so scared…
Or maybe I should just let
That last vestige of light go out
Maybe it’d be better
For everyone for it to go out
And me along with it.
Maybe everyone would be better
Off if i had just left before they could know me
Maybe it would give them more happiness
Or maybe it’d allow them
To not feel the pain that always seems
To follow me wherever I go…
Maybe, just maybe
If that light goes out
I won’t be able to hurt anyone
Anyone but myself anymore.
— The End —