wide eyes
sewn shut
20/20 vision
in the dark

do you know who i am
at 3am
when i lie quietly awake
and think of him?

ive come to realize
that im here all alone
and i’ve tried to be happy
with being unknown.

but its just so hard
with no one around
i have so much to say
but i don't speak a sound.

so i talk to myself
and my thoughts overflow
but they don't listen either
they say i must go.

away, that is
i know they're not wrong
im not wanted here
i just don't belong.

please hold on
even when i dont
and tell me i will be ok
even when i wont

he was all talk
and that says a lot
considering
he rarely spoke
at all.

i see that you're home,
body curled up in bed
damp pillow underneath
i say you've been missed.

i tell you im sick,
though you should already know
i have dreams at night
but you don't keep them in the morning.

blinded by paradise,
you planned to never return
i told you perfection's impermenant
i guess you('ll be) forgot(ton too).
(but i won't tell you that part)

came back to me shattered,
the pieces diverged
left you bleeding out
but the timer, you set.

so please, dear, do hold on
just consider one last thing:
do you regret going
just because you couldn’t stay?

im getting anxious again
i was doing so well
but im getting anxious again
and i don't know how to stop.

you hugged me like you did when we were together
long and tight
you hugged me like you did when you loved me.

and it just made it that much harder to remember that you don’t love me anymore.

i just keep telling myself to
breathe, but i dont want to
do that anymore
either.

The sun does not hide
And the moon does not cry
As the Earth spins

For they do not belong in the same sky all their lives
They are just too special to be seen as one

So they let each other go
In hopes that someday
She would allow them to meet once more

But only after they realized
That they did not need one another to be special
They did that all on their own

i missed you so much
but i dont want to have to keep saying goodbye
it’s just too hard.

shut up! i have more friends than you!
and we always get along.
i just sprinkle some sugar and watch from my window
and hear them sing their songs!

now they don’t stay very long,
but it's a small price to pay.
real friends sacrifice, plus
their hearts would burst if they stayed.

but it's okay, really!
i could never let them die.
they say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
and i know they’d never lie.

they just love me so much…
what?! i’m not alone, what do you mean?
i have more than i could ever want! in fact,
they say that i’m their queen.

i can’t keep living
thinking about you
not after you broke my heart
and left me all alone.

i cant keep living
trying to understand why you left
i never will.

i can’t keep living
hoping that you’ll come back
and say you were wrong
i’ll be waiting my whole life.

i don’t want to die thinking about you
but I can’t keep living thinking about you either.

everyday
i just can't stop thinking
about whether or not
you're thinking
about
me.

they
make me
turn me
to We

they live
with pride
with love
they die

love.
thats We
We cares
for me

a team
We’s made
me’s not
afraid

of all
that’s here
alone?
no, dear

cuz they
is me
and me
is We.

where have you gone?
where did you go?
why aren’t you here?
and why don’t i know?

All I want is you
But you’re exactly who I cant have

Im so sad right now,
If only I could be in your arms.

us.
bathing in lava and burning alive
but melting too, into little rivers that
drain into the sky and
down to the earth
like rain

butterflies.
illuminated by light but flying
into the sun
turning into ash with the snap of a-

click goes finger against glass.
i giggle at the sight of hurt people hurting one another.
oh, no wonder this one has a 85% on rotten tomatoes.

the air smells sweet as i close my eyes
clouds and dreams swirl
into blackness that-

i smile at the sight of couples breaking up and getting back together.
this one has a 53%.
makes sense.

bathing in lava and burning alive
     but melting too, into little rivers that
     drain into the sky and
     down to the earth
     like rain.

          holding the sun and boiling up
          but glowing too, with light
          traveling through space and time
          from heaven
          and her spawn.
    
               reaching for stars and blistering quick-
  
click goes finger against glass.
i giggle at the sight of hurt people hurting one another.
no wonder this one has a 85% on rotten tomatoes.

               but beaming too, up and about and
               everywhere at once
               like-

swipe goes finger against glass.
i smile at the sight of couples breaking up and getting back together.
this one has a 53%.
makes sense.

i feel myself closing
in inward inside and
i feel myself folding
collapsing maintaining
no control.

every time i reach out
there's no one there
it's dear diary
every time i type a word.

and every time i press send
i must remind myself
it's dear diary
and he's not coming back.

you shoved me underwater.
out of sight,
out of mind.

i screamed.
you saw the bubbles,
and you ignored them.

you act as if i'm not alive.
and at this point,
i'm not sure you even care.

im embarrassed of my body
im embarrassed of my mind
im embarrassed of the parts i showed you
that i had never shown another.

im embarrassed because after i let you in,
you let me go
i guess im not good enough
if i was, you wouldn’t have left.

so im embarrassed about everything
everything that makes me, “me”
you showed me i’m not worth staying for
and that makes me want to leave me too.

dawn breaks
eyes open
another day
a little taller but
weaker too
they do say it gets
better
but is better
ever
enough?

you’re here,
though only for a moment.
“if you blink, you’ll miss it,” they say.

though only for a moment,
you’re here.
so keep your eyes open.

i think he found another girl.

the way he looked at her.

it was the way he used to look
at me.

you put everything you had into someone else
of course your soul is crying

im addicted to the thought of you

i just cant seem to take my mind
off
you.

i dont like the way that love ends
i think its time to go numb.

A flower does not fall when the rain comes
No,
It grows taller than ever before

I cried again tonight
Thinking about why he left

Why do I do this to myself?
It’s time to move on

But for some reason
I feel like Im back at square one.

i still lay awake at night
thinking about how you left
you treated me as if i wasn’t alive
like you never loved me to begin with
did you?

i know you did, at one point in time
but its hard.
remember, darling
it’s not that you left
it’s how.

you ignored me
you betrayed me
and then you walked away.
you apologized for leaving
but you never apologized for how you left.

and that’s what hurts the most.

i’m just scared that i’ll remember
why i loved you.

and i’m even more scared that i won’t be able to deny
i still do.

darling,

i hope you understand
that our story
is not in my hands.

we used to hold it together
but you ripped out the pages
you gave me the cover.

i don't know how you feel about me anymore.

but i don't have our story
you'll have to write the ending
will it end in glory?

green yellow red
its time to go home
what do you miss?
shhh can you hear him?

i hope she makes you smile
i hope she makes you laugh
i hope she makes you feel special
i hope she makes you feel wanted

i hope she tells you she cares
i hope she tells you she’s proud
i hope she tells you you’re beautiful
i hope she tells you you’re everything she ever wanted and more.


and if she doesn’t,
i hope you think about me.

you only respond when you need me

other than that
i’m no more than a voice in a crowded room

i miss you so much,
that sometimes i wish we had never met.

but at least i got to call you mine,
even if just for a little.

and now,
im just another girl.

one that he loved,
and one that he lost.

hi,
it’s me again
are you okay?
nevermind
it’s not my business to ask.

but i hope you’re okay
ive been well, if you care
you'd be proud actually
you were right when you said i was strong.

you’re always on my mind
do you still think of us?
nevermind
it’s not my business to ask.

but i hope you still do
i still think of us, if you care
our memories i’ll never forget
you were right when you said we were special.

but you still chose to leave
do you regret it?
nevermind
it’s not my business to ask.

but sometimes, i hope that you do.

i’m sorry for it all
i don't know where to start but
it's time for me to go

please let me say goodbye.

do not feel ashamed
for feeling too heavily
when your heart has just been broken

the cracks in your heart cannot heal
when the tears cannot fall
a desert cannot become a river without water.

it takes days, weeks, months
for each and every drop to accumulate
until the river may run smoothly

so please, darling, do not hold back the tears
they are necessary for you to swim away from where you are
and towards where you are going

i was your home
you watched it crumble
i’m so sorry
i hope it didn’t hurt.

you trusted me
i let you go
and i'm so sorry
we never got to meet.

or maybe we did
i really can't say
but i'm truly so sorry
i didn’t think to say goodbye.

you were a part of me
and i, a part of you
and i'm really so sorry
but i’ll always love you so.

sometimes I find myself
looking down
thinking of the past

I look through photos
of when things were okay
of when he still loved me.

I try and understand why things ended this way
why he felt they had to end at all
I think I understand

but then I wonder why I wasn't worth it
the nights he said he had faith in us
I believed him, what changed?

he doesn't talk to me anymore
it makes me sad
but I hope he still thinks of me

oh, how hard it is to face
that what you once loved
is no longer.

and oh, how much harder it is to face
that what you still love
is never coming back.

i take up your
free time.
problem is
you have none.

so i want you to
make time.
problem is
you dont.

ceiling and floor switch
candle flickers
                              (1mph wind blows it out)
1000mph wind gets it going
again papers turn me
my head in glass
heavy
crashing into the
mattress which holds
my dreams
        my fears
my dreams
               my reality

it all goes quiet
except for the roar of
dust landing on lava
microbes burning alive from the lysol in my
room
everything is there.



                                       but where am i?

i will always be
too much
yet never enough
for you.