If it kills you, it kills you. Something someday definitely will. But until it does, until it gets so hard that breathing in and out seems impossible, that the thought of waking up keeps you from sleeping at night, that the thought of not being able to sleep another night gets so heavy that you'd rather drown yourself than try to swim across the **** ocean that everyone else is swimming in, maybe a little closer to the shore, maybe a little further to the other side, you better live and make sure that it's worth the death that you've been dreading for so long!

The nights are getting colder
The daylight doesn't hurt anymore
The flowers that blossomed recently
have all already been plucked

A buried pain finds the surface
At a loss that's about to come
This is when I let go of
everything that made me whole

You are the leaves of glory
dazzled in beauty for all eternity
You live studded on the queen's head
You die like the collapsing star

I am the tree, barren otherwise
the crown that has lost authority
the chaos amidst the nebula
I often get left in the storm's wake

Would you understand the feeling?

When a child peeks out the window
Looking for the father that never came home

When the only toys he can have
Are the refuse of the riches

When the only pocket money
Is the 50cent tip from the bar

When the only dreams he has
Are of his father teaching him the bike

When the only lessons he learn
Are taught by life and time

When the only friends he have
Are his mother and younger sister

When the only happiness he finds
Is in the eyes of his beautiful friend

When the only reason he fights
Is lost somewhere in the darkness

When the only life he will live
Is one of chasing escaping shadows

Tired and gentle waves of the mighty ocean
receding to the horizon like the slowly setting sun
But even when it's dark, they will come back
and the waves will bring you back home

And when the sun rises again the next day
slowly pushing the eternal darkness away
diminishing it to just the shadows
the dawn will bring you back home

the refreshing smell of the summer breeze
the mild sunlight filtered from the trees
may just make the world a little bigger
the wilderness will bring you back home

the younger self, abandoned and ignored
will replace the ghosts secretly abhorred
and when it smiles in all sincerity
you will see that you were always home

In sleepless nights I often wonder
How could I lose the love
I never really had?

Seventy two days and eight hours
It's been that long since she kissed me
How do I even enter the garden of eden?
To wither away is just the nature of flowers

Forty three days and seventeen hours
It's been that long since she last smiled
And to be honest I'm scared shitless
To live alone in a world that was ours

Twenty four days and thirteen hours
It's been that long since I heard her voice
I just want to let her know that I'm right here
I'll hold her hand as the illness devours

Seven days and one hour
It's been that long since she looked at me
It's her eyes that told me who I am
Now I just look in the mirror and cower

Eight hours and twenty seven minutes
It's been that long since life stopped making sense
The grandeur of this world are shy in comparison
Life is just not life without her in it

Fifteen minutes and counting still
It's been that long since I've been on the edge of this cliff
I turn to the gods I've rejected and pray
If there's a life after death, I'll do as you will

Tears fall from my eyes as I awaken,
The reason for my pain, still unshaken.
Each passing moment of the day,
Haunts me with flashes from the fray.

As night descends and darkness reigns,
I find the puzzle pieces in my chains.
My heart shatters, tears apart,
An unbearable weight in my chest, a broken heart.

I question the cause of this deep agony,
And scour the day for any sign of tragedy.
But my dreams reveal the painful truth,
Of emotions kept hidden, long in my youth.

Desire seeps through my very core,
And hope takes hold, a never-ending score.
Some say to let my heart lead the way,
But I know where that road leads, astray.

I push down the longing, the desire,
And pray for a moment's peace, a mere respite.
But the dreams persist, with unrelenting fire,
A visual feast of what could be, in vibrant light.

The passion and yearning within me burn,
As I struggle to keep the flames unturned.
But the heart wants what it wants,
A powerful force that never daunts.

And so I sit, with tears in my eyes,
Haunted by the dreamy haze of my nocturnal ties.

Oh this ephemeral life
One summer too short
One winter too long

Oh this ephemeral life
One life to live
One life to die

Oh this ephemeral life
One true happiness
One true sorrow

Oh this ephemeral life
One sweet love
One love lost

Oh this ephemeral life
One dream of the stars
One morning in the trash

Oh this ephemeral life
One true servant
One true master

Oh this ephemeral life!

I often get lost in questions that I don't want answers to
How did I even get here? Which road did I take?
I look at the world outside, death and decay, blood soaked soil,
glimpses of light shining on shards of glass like spoils of war
I laugh at how similar it is, to the world inside, still in turmoil

I wonder why can't I hear the sound of the approaching hurricane
maybe I'm playing our song, too loud in my head, maybe I'm still there
A flood of memories sweep me off my feet and the delusions shatter
I can see the storm approaching, with all of it's might
but if I am being honest, it doesn't really matter

I am soaked in the rain again, just like I was many years ago
When it didn't represent misery, when it didn't bring me pain
I just want to be drenched and happy but nothing feels the same anymore
It ***** how everything that you think you enjoy can turn to ****
I guess the little pleasures you brought in my life also walked out the door

I can see the long tough road and the sleepless nights ahead of me
I can see the battles to be fought and I know we'll not pass unscathed
I know I could still smile at the end, as long as I'm standing there with you
But I don't know how to stand back up and fight this battle anymore
I guess you can never really win a battle where the victory doesn't want you

I often get lost in questions that I don't want answers to
How did I even get here? Which road did I take?
I look at the world outside, death and decay, blood soaked soil,
glimpses of light shining on shards of glass like spoils of war
I laugh at how similar it is, to the world inside, still in turmoil

I wonder why can't I hear the sound of the approaching hurricane
maybe I'm playing our song, too loud in my head, maybe I'm still there
A flood of memories sweep me off my feet and the delusions shatter
I can see the storm approaching, with all of it's might
but if I am being honest, it doesn't really matter

I am soaked in the rain again, just like I was many years ago
When it didn't represent misery, when it didn't bring me pain
I just want to be drenched and happy but nothing feels the same anymore
It ***** how everything that you think you enjoy can turn to ****
I guess the little pleasures you brought in my life also walked out the door

I can see the long tough road and the sleepless nights ahead of me
I can see the battles to be fought and I know we'll not pass unscathed
I know I could still smile at the end, as long as I'm standing there with you
But I don't know how to stand back up and fight this battle anymore
I guess you can never really win a battle where the victory doesn't want you

A cold damp road beneath my feet
I wish I could see where I was going
A gentle breeze sends shivers down my body
I rub my shoulders to shake it off

I feel my home is still far
I feel it will be a while before I get there
Will it be still be open and lit, dry and warm?
Will she be there this time? waiting?

Maybe, had I walked a little faster?
Had I never left? Had I asked her to come with me?
Had I gone away to her world?
Would that have made her stay?

When every path leads back here,
to this barren land of death,
should I not camp here and  wait?
should I try to run away till my legs work?

I think she doesn't like it here anymore,
Maybe I am just a hotel room visit, cheap and short
I wish I could make her stay or rather
I wish I could go home, go to her

Faking a proper life and living a lie
hiding what has been long dead inside
the damsels in distress find him there
and he takes it away, their dead and their rotten

and he gives them life,happiness and love
and they give him themselves and quite right so
he owns them, cherishes them and nurtures them
he strengthens them for hurricanes to come

he knows when they're ready to be on their own
to stand tall in midst of a storm
to face the tides and to still move on
and that is when he lets them go

he breaks them again, even smaller so
but he doesn't let him rot inside them
he walks away with a will of stone
knowing full well that they will be fine

they will pick up those pieces and be whole again
now stronger than they were ever before and much more beautiful
for beauty does not lie within the eyes of the beholder
rather it does in the ruins of a destructor

The Dying Man

I see this old man sometimes
He sits on a rocking chair
Out on his broken porch
I would often catch him stare

Out into nothingness, just empty fields
lush green that are now covered in mold
just like his tired, exhausted self
But maybe he was always this old

He has a book in his lap, a different one every week
His wrinkled fingers slowly turning the yellow
pages of those old forgotten books
with stories that are tragic so

that his eyes go blank, back to a past
where not all was lost, and his heart too
was a little less broken, and though not peachy
not everything appeared in shades of blue

I see this man smile sometimes
at a bunch of kids running wild
standing way out front with his broken stick
I wish I could him as a child

With sparkling eyes that have blurred over time
and fresh hopes that have now brutally died
I wish I could have seen him love
the memories of the one he still keeps by his side

I often imagine different scenarios of his life;
an old lady sitting by his side, with the same smile
on her face that stole his young heart and the way
he looks at her after all these years, all this while;

a handsome young man, just about my age
with a lovely wife, a beautiful son
reading news to him, out on the porch;
Had he also imagined this one?

Did he see his life pass by him over and over;
regret his decisions on his rocking chair?
did he feel sorry for the things he had not done
or does he smile ever so righteously without a care?

I often see this dying man
always an inch from his grave
and just as often I ask myself
Would i ever be this brave?

Would I still be sane in loneliness?
Able to smile in excruciating pain?
Would I keep on living with a broken heart?
Or would I just die in vain?

I turn to him for answers
but all that's left is a blur
I just find myself staring
at my reflection in the mirror

In the midst of night, dark and deep
she speaks to me, from the stars above
“its alright”, says she, “I’ll watch over you
you are not alone, you have my love.”

I look down, I start to cry, no tears did come
just empty sobs and sighs that were till now
buried deep down in me, someplace inside
hopes in my eyes, heart of a child, I asked how?

how would you ever know, when it all goes dark
how would you hug me, how would you know am scared
who’d tell me, I’ll pass through, I’ll survive
who but you would have cared?

“I am your aura, your shield, your shadow
I would see your life through your eyes you know
I’ll feel it all, the joys and pains
I’ll never leave your side, I love you so”

but how would I see the smile that makes my day
how would I hear the voice, the sweetest nightingale
how would I lie in your lap, and share my day
how would I irritate you, follow you like your tail

“I’ll smile every time you smile my child
in the night when your asleep, I’ll sing lullabies
I’ll be your heart and I’ll know it all
I’ll be your tail this time, we still have those ties.”

Like distant waves gently hit the shore
she breathes in her sleep by my side
and just as violent as a volcano
she's erupting from the inside

she's often scared in her dreams
and the nights stretch out far too long
I hold her tight, in her sleep each night
but I guess her demons are still too strong

I often sit and watch her toss and turn
trying to keep the evil at bay
and I hold her hand ever so lightly
just so she knows that I'm here to stay

She's scarred from the wounds of yesterday still
She's beautiful in how she still smiles the same
She believes that time will eventually heal it all
and how she's the only one to blame

I tell her, there are no mistakes in life
just the choices that we make
and the only right way in life
is to never look back on the paths we take

Like the waves fiddling with the shore
A distant past often reaches out
Bringing back the memories of
A time once cherished, a time now lost

Like the constant ebbs and flows
A face emerges and gently recedes
Brings along a craving for the unknown
And takes away all the heart's content

Like the sea is home to the turbulent waters
A chaos echoes within the consciousness
And yet the necessity for survival
Would not let these tremors die down

Like the horizon, where two infinites meet
The past seems within an arm's reach
The sailor always curious, never complacent
Often forgets that appearances can be deceiving

Decades of lifeless cold
follow a brief summer
The stage at the end,
practically a walk of shame
Many eyes turn away,
a few painfully blank
A mere shell of a former person,
Deformed by sins and their blame

It's such a miserable thing,
he can't be saved anymore.
He's been swallowed heart and mind
Into the valley of hurt and despair
Alas, just numbing the pain
doesn't make a person whole
He might as well be a sinner now
How do you even wash away stains from a soul?

Plentiful visions of gloom and sorrow
will still lurk in the air tomorrow
and so will lurk the tearless cries
from a million dried eyes

Has it (the hope) been lost?
Was it never really there?
Will they smile when the lights go out?
Will they look up at the dark sky and shout?

The void in the dull night sky
may very well be filled and soon,
but the one in their hearts will remain
the new genesis? "Let there be disdain"!

Will the skies show them the way?
deliver them, across the waters so cold?
or will they give up too soon?
on the song from the moon!

When the excruciating screams
of your dying dreams
pull you back into the pit
Do you dive right back?

Do you hold on? cling even?
to your darkness in the face of the sun
or do you let go
of the demons that raised you?

Do the deep oceans tempt you?
do they make you want to be one with the blue?
or do you thank the shores
and the safety of your skin?

do you not fake a smile
every day, every once in a while?
or do you feel happy
knowing that you exist, in vain?

do you close your eyes in despair
and pray to the only one who cares?
or do you grieve on the shoulders of reason,
get right back up on your feet, only to drown?

Another year gone past,
another year about to start.
Do we still welcome the sun?

No matter how far we run
or how fast,
it just won't last.
What it is to perish in the face of spring?

Of all the gifts that misery can bring,
would there be enough rain
to empty my veins?
Can we still make it to the next war?

The angels looking down at the creatures God abhors,
Lucifer looking up from his hide,
smiling eyes filled with pride
at his brothers, in disguise of anger and hate.

At the dead-end, when happiness is the bait,
a petty choice between a truth and a lie,
let me choose to neither live nor die

Would you look at me,
beyond my smile
into my depraved soul?

Would you scare away
the demons that
keep me up at night?

Would you save me
when I am drowning
in the oceans of my past?

Would you, hold me
when i'm broken,
keep me from falling apart?

Would you smile at me,
make it feel alright,
when the world laughs at me?

Would you still love me,
when i can no longer feel love,
numb with all the pain?

Would you let me die
when I have had enough
and just want to sleep in peace?

I do not yet know why I'm sad
Perhaps life's been a little too long
Perhaps a little too short
Perhaps a little bit empty
Perhaps a little too full

I just know that when the heart aches
I need to write, I need to embrace life
I need to live it with everything it takes
And somehow I'm all too aware
That nothing at all lasts forever

To the misery and the unbearable losses
To the days of hysterical laugher
To the paranoia that haunts me still
To the calming waves of a violent ocean
Everything ends at the shores

What is it to be brave, to be courageous
To stand tall in the face of fear and know
That you might die, but you won't live anyway
The night may be dark and uncertainties may lurk
I might not make it through the night but the sun will rise

Can I still smile, laugh even, just for a while
In the midst of this torment, can I fake a life
I might go silent from time to time
I might sit all alone, as the wind have me in shivers
Write my heart out and then burn it to ashes

And as the fire dies down, I'll write a bit faster
The heartache takes away with it my words
And I always struggle, just to be devastated
For a little while longer, just till I get rid of this trash
But just as always, nothing indeed lasts forever!