I wish I could look at real life
The way I look at photographs.

This pain
Will not be ignored

I put it in an iron box
And buried it deep, deep
In the ground
And left it there
For years

But one day,
I went back out to that barren place
In the breathless cold
And dug it back up
With ****** fingernails

I reached inside
And lifted it out
Still raw and breathing
And I held it close
Like a newborn baby  

And in that pain,
I found my release

But the night
Ah, the night.

It softens me
Like an egg
In boiling water

Moths, searching for the sun,
Draw towards all light
Even if it is nothing
But a broken, flickering lightbulb

my thoughts
are like snow
falling
on an old roof

I can't seem

       to beat down these feelings

Into words.

There is so much inside me
Yet such a small door

Shoving and screaming to get out
They come in torrents of cracked words
Or not at all.

This is the bad part
I can feel it coming
I can feel it every time

It's almost a relief
Like falling down a hundred foot cliff
The first ninety-nine feet aren't so bad
Exhilarating, in a way
But those last few seconds
When you know you're going to hit the ground
And you know how much it's going to hurt
That's the worst
The knowing
Because you've fallen down this same cliff
Countless times before

So when I finally slam into the ground
And the air is knocked out of my lungs
Lying on my back, staring at the sky but not really seeing it
I can rest for a while
Because the falling is so
Exhausting
Once you've stopped

I guess we're addicted to those first ninety nine feet
Even though we know what awaits us
At the bottom

Eventually, we'll pick ourselves up
And try to collect all the pieces that broke off  
Though of course we'll miss some

Then we start the long trek
Back to the top again

They sigh at the clouds when it rains
They curse the wind when it blows
They look at the sun with disapproving eyes
When it lingers too long in the sky

The weather in my own head
Is much more violent
Screaming thunderstorms  
Wild, breath-stealing hurricanes  
And a heat so scorching
That it burns anyone
Who comes near

So I've sealed myself up
In a glass box
So people won't feel  
Or hear
Or see  

For surely, if they can judge
The unstoppable force
Of Mother Nature
I can only imagine
What they will do
To me

She waited by the window
For the sky
To turn heavy and aching
With rain

Then she went outside
With her blue chalk
And filled the driveway
With strange and beautiful things

When they all run
In a mad stampede
Shoving and screaming
For higher ground
Still, you wait

When the water
Drags itself away from the shore
With a dry ******* sound
Like the ocean
Is taking a deep breath in
Still, you wait

When the birds
Go deadly quiet
And the air trembles
With the stillness
Of each shuddering heartbeat
Still, you wait

And the wall of water
Comes surging towards you
With a sound like rushing static in your ears
You meet it with arms wide open
And let the raging riptide
Carry you into the sea

If you knew
What really goes on
Inside my head
It would break you

I would rather minimize the casualties
So please,
Please

Just leave me alone

I will release these emotions
With a handful of words

Ink blots on a piece of yellow paper
Thrown into the fire

Watch them burn

so sad
everything makes me
so
sad.

How can you say you know me
When I don't even know myself?

You put a mirror in front of my face
And smiled at the reflection

These puppet strings
Have puppet tendencies

They will snap
When I pull

We are expected to do great things
To save the world
Even when our own lungs
Heave though each breath
Like they're ******* in water
Instead of air

Know this
Sometimes it is enough
To close your eyes each night
And simply say
You made it through the day
Alive again.

Remember that time
When it all seemed clear?
The path laid out
A straight shot into the sunset

Your bag was packed
Boots laced up tight
Slathered with sunscreen and bug spray

But after a few miles
Something happens

Maybe you see a storm in the distance
Roiling dark clouds
Cracks of thunder
And lightning that splits the air apart
And all you have
Is the light jacket you packed
In case it got chilly

Maybe, without warning,
The road splits apart into two, three, five
Different routes
No signs, no maps, no markers
And the fear of choosing wrong
Paralyzes you

Maybe you simply grow weary
Of walking
After hundreds of miles
Boots chafing
Water dwindling
Skin torn and blistering

Your backpack
Weighs you down
But you refuse
To leave it
Or even rest for a while
Even though
All that's left in it  
Are stones

Whenever I feel
Even the smallest glimmer  
Of happiness
I hold on so tight
It suffocates

Loneliness
Is such a hard thing to carry

A backpack full of stones
That we add to
With each day that passes

How can such an empty feeling
Be so heavy?

Regret has me in a chokehold
Fear has me on a leash
Fill me up to block it out
And I'll be just fine

I need a reset button for my brain
Because all these emotions get crammed into the tiny space behind my eyes  
Crimson anger
Smoky grey sorrow
Shadowy fear
Rusty brown guilt  
Milky white joy

And they fold and twist and meld into each other
One ugly smear of color, like a bruise
Tingeing each thought that presses against it
With pain

I need a detox for my soul
Because these dark thoughts, dark words
Leave behind an sticky black residue
That dries and hardens over all the soft spots
Until there is nothing but a jagged piece of stone
Where the goodness used to be

I need a blanket for my heart
Because my body and mind
Have waged war against themselves

The smoke from the fires
Block out the sun  
Leaving me on this frozen, empty battlefield  
and
now
i
feel


nothing

When people say they want to **** themselves
It's not the self they want to ****
It's those parts of their being that are so parasitic and damaging
Yet so vitally connected
That the only hope
Is to destroy the entire entity

I'd like to think
That far away, in another time
Or space
Or dimension
There is another version of me
Living out the life
I threw away

I took a spaceship to the moon
With nothing but a blanket and a flashlight

Made myself a space in the deepest crater
With the blanket over my head like a child
Forgot batteries for the flashlight, though,
So I threw it out
Thinking it would be better to get used to the darkness
Right away

But the next night
You came outside on your back porch
Looked up at the sky
And said "I'm here for you."

And it made me so sad
Because I know there is nothing you can do  
That can touch me
Way up here
On this cold, grey, empty planet
That you can only see at night

They sit me down and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach because their faces say 'we know we know' and I tried so hard to hide it and God knows I tried to stop it

"We think you should go see someone"

Silence. I almost laugh. Their faces say, with tightening eyes, 'tread gently we don't know what kind of grenade we have here gently gently'

"Think about it, at least"  

I've thought about it, oh I've thought about it. What else could i think about but all the possible checklist methods to get myself out of this half-existence? Talk to someone. Of course. because i am a perfectly rationale human being whose words don't come out like crushed ice through a broken dispenser, whose thoughts and motives aren't foreign and terrifying as a black hole in deepest space like a person i don't even know could begin to find a beginning or an end to this cycle of bizzare emotional wreckage that has become my identity.

"Okay"  

They leave because they don't want to scare me away. The rabbit can only bear so many rustling footsteps and cracked twigs before it shoots off like a bullet from a gun into darker forests.

i lay on my bed but i can't listen to music because my iPod is dead so i just listen to the cracking sound my lungs make when i breathe.  

Then i get up, go into the bathroom, and lock the door

There's a knife in my stomach  
And I have two options:
Pull it out and watch as the blood comes pouring from the wound
And hope there's a surgeon around
Or leave it there
And maybe it won't hurt as much after a while
Not that the pain would lessen
But that I would become used to it
As if the knife was part of me.

I'm scared of my own head
And I'm lying all the time
Just waiting for someone to finally see (don't see)
That the last thing I am is fine

I walked out of the bright sunlight
Into the windowless room
How dark it is, I thought,
Sitting down on the cold floor

I heard nothing
Not even the sound of my own breath
How peaceful it is, I thought
As chill crept into my skin

I pressed against the wall
My teeth were chattering now
And things began to take shape in the blackness
Twisting things
Frightening things

I couldn't feel my hands anymore
And my throat was raw
Cold fingers on my neck
My skin turned to crumbling stone

And when I heard pounding on the door  
I gave no answer,
Too ashamed of the darkness
And what it had done to me

"How horrible this is" I whispered to myself
As I grew colder
And colder
In that dark room, alone

There's a certain comfort to be found in sadness
That happiness cannot offer

Happiness asks so much of us
And the pressure wears away at the mind

While sadness never demands, never expects
Always there when joy fades
When peace disappoints
When faith breaks

It wraps us in cool arms
That chill to the bone
Until sweet numbness slides in

I'm still not sure which sets me free

The music goes in through my ears
And comes out through my eyes  
Flushing me clean
From the inside out

Unless you have been  
Deep down in that dark hole
You can never understand
The hopeless force
That causes us to keep digging

The ladder only reaches so far
And I'm exhausted from climbing
Trying to reach it
With broken, ****** fingernails
While you stand there at the top
Checking your watch

So I keep digging
Thinking maybe,
If I go deep enough,
I'll someday end up
On the other side

Silence is my weapon
An electric, invisible forcefield
That grows everyday  
Until I am left
With no one
For miles around

They fear the night
because the scary things slink out
And hide in the darkness
Waiting

Myself, the day is far more dangerous
Because they don't have to hide
When they look just like us
When they are us

I wish I could cry
At least then I'd know I was feeling something
As it is, I'm down here at the bottom of the ocean
I dove deep looking for an oxygen mask
And someone to help me put it on