I shouldn't write about you. I shouldn't write about you because it's been 5 months and moving on shouldn't be this hard, right? I throw my heart to the ground and watch as the next person carefully holds it yet no one seems right, no one fills the gap of the broken veins. I think the reason why I reject people a lot is because all I'm doing is looking for a copy of you because honestly, you're the only thing that keeps me sane. You were my medicine; you still are. Despite my late night phone calls and texts with other boys who ask me what I wear, I still cry every time I listen to that one particular song and I still feel like dying when I stumble across a picture of us. Hell, we looked so good together. We fit each other like a puzzle and I didn't think fate would bring me such a good luck. I wore your smile on my lips and you held my heart so high I swore it felt like flying. It's both funny and sad to think that now there are other boys who have tried their hardest to make me smile like you used to but they failed miserably. God, can I ever let you go?

I woke up in the middle of the night and my first thought was you. It's ironic, really, because earlier today a friend asked whether I have moved on or not and I said yes without thinking twice about it. I didn't want to seem like an addict but you are my drug, love, what can I do without you? You're the center of my Milky Way and I gave you all the happiness that I didn't have and maybe that's why you're the only source of light in my life. Sometimes I wish you'd stop making me feel like crap for missing you because it is not something I can avoid. I slept with our picture next to me tonight and it ***** to think you'd probably burnt your copy of the pic to ashes. I know this may sound selfish but I also know you're feeling sad about her and the fact that she won't recognize your light but have you ever really stopped and think of how much I've tried to do the same? Would you appreciate her more if she said yes and would you not let her go after 7 months and 700 sneaky kisses? Would you stay around in front of her house and on her bed when her parents weren't around? Would you write her with the same pen and ink and yellow paper you used to write me with? Because honestly darling I cannot forget nor do I want to when it comes to us, yet today you talked to me without ever looking directly into my eyes and I wonder if it was because you still sneaked your heart in my back pocket somehow (though it's highly impossible now). I've never been very fond of repeatedly explaining the same matter but what I'm trying to say with all this ramble is how much I miss you. I miss you so much. Please find your way back to me.

You fly me up
to the sky
before you turn me down
on the very next day
Living with you
is a constant battle
between smiling, and crying
Maybe we never complete
each other like a puzzle
in the first place
Maybe we're much more like
two lost hurricanes,
destined to meet
Same chaos; same structure
Destroying -- and building --
each other at the same time

well, at least I know that
you love me just the same
as I do.

I. You were the one who turned on the light when I was surrounded by darkness and now that you've left it's slowly getting dark again. I wish you never left or at least I wish you remembered to teach me how to keep the light on.

II. You made me forget how hating myself felt like, but forgetting doesn't always mean stopping. Where are you? I need you more than ever, darling.

III. Earlier today my hands started shaking and I'm still not sure whether it was from the coffee I drank or because you were sitting right in front of me but you never looked at my eyes.

IV. I think it's ironic how you didn't even think to hold a conversation longer than three sentences with me because I used to be the first thing that crossed your mind when you woke up and you used to tell me stories about the universe. Why couldn't you stay?

V. It's the longest rainy season since 2007 and sometimes I wonder if it's just the universe's way to remind you of me. Remember when I asked you to point out little facts about me and you said number one was how much I loved the rain? Do you still think about it when you're awakened by the sound of water falling down your window pane?

VI. I thought I was starting to get over you but I was wrong. **** it, I am always wrong. I miss you and I love you like hell and I ******* wish you could see that.

I sleep in a room where my cousins saw an elderly lady sitting on the window. Decayed face, messy long hair, creepy posture. A ghost, they said.

I used to be afraid to spend the night in that room alone, for I couldn't imagine how it would be if the creature showed up in front of me. What if it ate me? What if it took me to another world?

But it was years ago. I sleep there now, in a room where my cousins saw a horrible creature that lurked in the dark. The only difference, is that I'm no longer afraid.

The actual monsters are lurking inside my mind.

at least you're happy now

with
    or
       without
                me

Blue eyes,
tan skin

Gold fringe,
white lies.

Pale weather,
red blood.

Wide eyes,
fake smile.

Tight grip,
sharp knife.

Broken.

Why can't we save anybody?


*(sfh)

I'M SO SORRY THAT I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON AND I'M NOT SAYING THIS JUST SO I CAN HEAR YOUR COMPLIMENTS BUT I REALLY REALLY MEAN IT. HONESTLY DARLING ALL I'VE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT IS HOW AMAZING YOU ARE AND HOW EVENTUALLY WE WILL END UP BEING STRANGERS AT THE SAME TIME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME BUT I NEVER KNEW THAT I COULD LOSE AND BUILD HOPE ALTOGETHER. I SWEAR I HAD CONVINCED MYSELF THAT NOT EVERYTHING I WROTE IS ABOUT YOU BUT THE TRUTH IS, YOU ARE HIDDEN BENEATH EVERY WORD OF MY POEMS. HELL, I ONLY WRITE POEMS AS AN EXCUSE TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT YOU WITHOUT BEING ANNOYING. I'M HONESTLY IN LOVE WITH THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT ME THIS AFTERNOON BECAUSE YOUR EYES WERE SHINING SO BRIGHT I COULD GO BLIND JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM. I ALSO LOVE THE WAY YOU STROKE MY CHEEK EVERY TIME OUR EYES MEET BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU MANAGE TO DO IT WITHOUT THROWING UP OR GETTING SICK. OH ***** IT, I NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR MIND WORKS. I WONDER HOW YOU NEVER STOP CALLING ME BEAUTIFUL EVEN THOUGH I SHAKE MY HEAD ALL THE TIME AT THOSE WORDS. DARLING, TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT I NEVER SEEK FOR YOUR COMPLIMENTS. BEING WITH YOU IS ENOUGH FOR ME AND AT THIS POINT I DON'T THINK IT EVEN MATTERS IF YOU LOVE ME OR NOT BECAUSE ALL I KNOW IS THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU. RIGHT NOW I'M GIVING MYSELF A ******* FOR FALLING FOR YOU SO EASILY BUT WHO EVEN CARES? YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU DIDN'T MIND BEING A SHORE AS LONG AS I COULD BE THE WAVE AND CRASHED ONTO YOU. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT ALL THE THINGS I WROTE ABOVE ARE NOTHING BUT A MESSY EXPLANATION OF MY FEELINGS. I GUESS I'M TRYING TOO HARD NOW, I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT I WRITE.

here's to:
my first kiss (and first everything, really),
my friends who can't take their masks off,
my friends who never wear any mask,
my family that's getting better,
my financial problem which doesn't get better (yet),
my neighbor who yelled at me for making out in front of her house,
my mom who has kicked depression's ****,
my sister who has kicked cancer's ****,
my father who's still kicking and kicking,
my grandma's and grandpa who supply me with food,
my significant other who's laying on his bed at his home in Australia,
my online friends who never forget about me,
my followers here, and on twitter, and on tumblr,
and every single one of you who's reading this right now,

happy new year.

don't you dare blaming me
for not telling the truth
because if you gave me the chance
i would tell you everything

Someday, you will leave.
And on that day, I will still hope that your absence only means your daily short trip to the mall, where you leave me hanging for hours as you share your secrets with your friends.

mungkin alam semesta turut berduka atas kepergianmu.

i just can't seem to love myself
no matter how hard i try
no matter how many times
i've skipped dinners
no matter how many times
i slide the razor on my skin
no matter how much
make ups i've put on my face
to hide the ugly that i am
because i know for a fact
that no one will ever love me
for who i am

look;
i just want you to be happy.
i do.
i would be lying if i told you that i hadn't cried since the day you left,
but honestly,
despite all of my confusion whether i hate you or myself,
i just want you to be happy.

and, hey,
there are better girls for you to kiss out there
girls who don't cry when they love someone too much
girls who don't wish to get hit by a truck when they cross the road
girls who can give you a part of them without losing themselves completely
girls who knows how to cure a heart break

so go ahead
fly
you're as free as the wind now
you can run to the places we both have always wanted to see before
you can escape all your problems behind

but dear friend,
when you're tired of running,
or when you need a shoulder to cry on,
or when you need someone to talk to,
or when things don't go quite as good as you want,
please let me know
if i can still be the reason of your happiness

I love him.
That's the problem.
He asked me
to write a poem
about him,
but right now,
as we rest under
the same sky
and dream about
the same moon,
all I can think about
is how much
I love him.

It's pathetic, really
how my feelings for him
I cannot express
in words nor songs
though I know,
they're deeper
than the ocean
and darker
than the night
and as understandable
as how the universe works

But I also know
that he causes
earthquake on my skin
when our fingers
intertwined
yet he still manages
to stop the hurricanes
inside my mind
when he holds me
in his arm

and so I love him.

I used to dream of being drowned because it tasted a lot like freedom. whenever i closed my eyes, i pictured my own funeral, with less people coming than i expected. busy traffic was my favorite thing because i could imagine myself stepping on the asphalt-covered road and pretend that i didn't see the truck coming. oh dear, i would love to live in an abandoned building just to befriend the ghosts and the lost memories.

but now i wake up with the little voice in my head telling me that it won't be that bad, that i can go through another day without tearing off my skin. i dress up and i still hate the view in the mirror but i feel the butterflies in my stomach when you show up at my door at 6 am. i love how your hands don't quite fit mine yet we still hold them together ((it makes me feel safe)). when i am given the numbers of history essay to finish and economy project to do, i cringe but i don't ***** like i used to. i only cry at midnight or when i remember all the things i used to love and hate at the same time. i really like the nighttime now, because the dark sky reminds me of the past and the glowing moon reminds me of my hope for the future.

your lips taste like darkness and something inevitable;

i think i'm getting better now.

I saw them making plans without me and all I could think of was how the history has repeated itself. I was left out in the first grade then in the fourth grade then in the ninth grade, and now, I'm in the eleventh grade and no one seems to give a **** about my fading light. I honestly can't blame them for leaving me to stand here all by myself because that's just me -- unwanted and uninteresting -- but I wonder how everything happened so fast. Just four months ago life was bearable and I had more than one person texting me all night; something that I couldn't even imagine. I took a long car drive with people I was gladly to call friends and we did stuffs that every normal, undamaged teenager would do; something that I'd never felt before. I even had my first kiss on February and it was overwhelming, all those feelings of "you're wanted" and "I got your back" and "we'll all stick by your side." But it's not February now, it's October, the month where the leaves fall and apparently, so does my happiness. I keep seeing them making plans without me and I just can't stop thinking of how easy it is for people to find me boring and dull. I don't know whether to curse them or myself. I didn't know that happiness could find its way out of my life. I thought I had gotten better, but apparently I still drag the black hole behind me.

i just do not want
to lose you
even if you're not
mine to keep
and if that's too much
to ask for,
then i'm truly sorry

i just don't know how to cope up without you.

i've had boys who want me naked in their beds trying so hard to keep the conversation going at midnight. i've had many bruises and scars after august but they all healed, they all did except one. you gave me pills and you gave me potions. i think i accidentally took the wrong one because in the afternoon, i could say "i am happy without you" with no sound of hesitant but here i am lying awake in the middle of the night not wanting to admit that i miss you. well, i shouldn't. you don't deserve this poem nor the energy that's wasted from writing it because this is not march 2014 anymore, this is march 2015 and everything has changed. we no longer look at each other like our lives depend on it, we don't spill out dreams and unwrap souls under the sky anymore. yes i know it's been awhile since you walked away but if you could get tired of me in seven months, why can't i do the same for the next seven months? i'm not saying that i think about you all the time but once i let my mind wander, somehow it finds its way back to you. i guess you're what most people call home. but a home would've cared, right?

Maaf
Maaf
Maaf

Kau bukan secarik kertas
yang dibuang begitu saja setelah kupakai
Kusut, coreng-moreng
Bukan, kau adalah kartu pos
yang disimpan rapi di lemari jati
Meski usiamu tiada muda

Kau bukan terik matahari
yang dicaci orang ketika ada,
diabaikan ketika tiada
Bukan, kau adalah suara rintik hujan
yang dipuji, dikagumi, didengar
Meski kau membasahi baju mereka

Kau bukan jam rusak
yang digantung terlalu tinggi untuk diganti
Berdebu, usang
Bukan, kau adalah api
yang dicari orang sampai kalang-kabut
Meski kau membakar rumah mereka

Tapi maaf jika aku membuatmu merasa seperti
secarik kertas, terik matahari, dan jam rusak
Bukan niat ingin menyakiti
Tapi aku memang tak bisa dicintai

Maaf.

she treats me
like i'm normal
she doesn't see
the difference in me
as flaws and mistakes
she accepts me
despite all of my
insecurities and broken parts
she listens to my complains
and ignores my crying routine
as if it's a normal habit
she's been there for me
for as long as i can remember
through thick and thin
through sadness and happiness
but most of all,
she loves me
just as much as i love her

It's my birthday tomorrow.
Another casual day,
repeated every year
The only difference
is that it takes me
one step closer
to death.

Our story
had no end
You just stopped
writing it
and left me here
alone
and
completely lost

someday,
you'll regret the day
when you left me.

i swear to God,
i swear to God,
i swear to God,

you will.

I. You told me that you saw the universe in my eyes whenever we stared at each other for longer than six seconds. The universe is infinite and I thought you were comparing it to our love.

II. You fell in love with the way I laughed and acted around you because I reminded you of a rose bud that you planted on your garden. Little did you know, a rose has its thorns and I'm guessing you weren't prepared for that.

III. The first time you looked at me with tears streaming down my cheeks, you blamed me for being so ugly looking. I was cursing myself when you walked out the door and didn't look back.

IV. Months after you left and I was buried deep under the ground, he found me. ***** and covered in mud, he washed me from head to toe. I knew I'd fall for him.

V. He and I had our first kiss on New Year's Eve and he gave me hope more than you ever did. I knew I deserved him.

VI. I saw you walking down the street while I was holding his hand and the next thing I knew, you were screaming so loud I could barely understand what you said. Later, I found out that you were cursing me for being freed by him from where you buried me.

VII. I found a letter by the front door the very next day and all that it said was how the writer could still see the mud on my face and on my back, just like the last time they saw me. I knew the writer was you.

VIII. The night he found out about the letter, he hugged me ever so tightly and he swore he wouldn't let anybody harm me. Let the Power above dealt with the problem.

IX. I'm happier than ever now that I know I have someone whom I can hold on to. I don't even see any mud on my face; it is you who's covered with dirt the most.

I haven't been sad in a month or two and even though I'm still not sure whether it's because I am truly happy or truly numb, it is still a progress... isn't it?

You keep on hurting me
             again
               and again
                 and again

Like we're on a roller-coaster ride
You're the loop and I'm the rider
Up, down, up, down
Down
down
down

I used to be scared of height
but now, even after the gravity pulled me down
I still enjoy our ride.

stupid girl
what were you thinking?
you're nothing but a lifeless face
you don't mean anything

stupid girl
are you out of your mind?
you're not a swan
you're just an ugly duck with black feathers

stupid girl
stop being so conceited
nobody likes you, no one cares about you
you're not any good

stupid girl
why are you so stupid?
*you don't mean anything; you just exist

bukan dentuman rasa
yang membuat ini indah
hatiku tidak berdegup kencang didekatmu
perutku tidak melahirkan kupu-kupu
dalam pelukanmu
semuanya setenang lautan, kini
meski orang bilang
sepi sama dengan bosan
tapi air beriak tanda tak dalam, sayang
dan tak ada yang pergi jauh
melewati arung jeram
aku mencintaimu dalam kesunyian
aku harap kau merasakan hal yang sama, juga

I wrote poems on your skin and the ink is permanent, my dear, even though our story isn't. You've always been the person who stopped me from digging my own grave and taught me that death isn't a good friend and I'm so glad that I met you in the first place. You're not the shelter that protected me from the storm but it's okay, I enjoy the aftershock of your lightning anyway. So thank you... for everything.

I love you. I do. And I don't have to own you to know it.

because there will always be
someone, somewhere
who becomes the main role
in your movie.

and that person won't be
me.

I need to be dead to forget about you.

i know we're probably heading to separate ways,
but for God's sake,
please find your way back to me.

you are not allowed
to make me cry anymore
nor you are allowed
to step on the shattered pieces of soul
i've given to you, voluntarily

you are a nobody
you don't mean anything anymore
give me my heart back!
you asked me to give back yours
and i did, i gave it back
now i ask you for mine

so please stop
i need you to stop
i want you to stop
stop being so selfish
you're not the only one
who has feelings here
stop making me feel like crap
i'm not a pile of dust
on your window pane
stop

stop acting like you don't care
the whole **** world knows you do.

Was what we had even real?

It would be nice if I was the sun
Being important enough for the mankind to live
Feeding them with light, protection
Away from the fear and the darkness

It would be nice if I was a flower
Humans begging to be me
Colorful petals, shiny green leaves
I could be beautiful

It would be nice if I was the water
Running with the flow, never staying too long
Life is a game
And I could win

It would be nice if I was the air
People don't see, but they need me
When they got tired, they could say, "I need some air."
So they would want me

But the very sad truth is,
I'm not the sun, nor the flower, nor the water, nor the air
I'm just the pathetic me
Living a lie, begging to die

you remind me of the evening thunderstorms: cold, terrifying, yet so beautiful. when i said that your smile radiates joy, i wasn't exaggerating. when i whispered that the touch of your hand warms my heart, i meant it from my deepest palace of mind. the thought of you alone is enough to make my body tremble for i cannot cope with so much feelings. i'm craving for you yet my heartbeat always goes faster every time i think of being close to someone other than myself. i am eager for the sense of your skin against mine but i still can't get rid of these metals that locked my heart out for you. i want to say that i'm madly in love but i don't know if i can be madder than i already am. being with you is like cutting my own body parts into pieces; it hurts so bad but it's much better than being alive and numb. i wish i could take it easy like the detectives when they solve problems but my problem is you and you are nothing but a bunch of puzzle pieces that confuse me all the time. i really wish things weren't so complicated inside this forest in my head.

i re-read all the poems i wrote months ago when everything was still okay. i wasn't sad, but my poems were. it's funny to think, how i could always find that little peek hole of darkness even though i was surrounded by lights. you were there with me and it was only a two-days fight, but my words formed a sentence of how we were already strangers. maybe i like to exaggerate things. or maybe we've always been strangers from the start because if not, how could you look away every time i try to say hi? people don't just turn into strangers. we were all made by the same stardust and some of us were destined to meet. or maybe we weren't. i don't know; i wouldn't know. up to this day i still think we are each other's even though we are not anymore and i guess that explains a lot about me, and you, and us. us contains of you and i. we are contained of each other. you still keep my heart in your pocket, and i'll always be the first girl you've ever really loved.

and the air smells like rain
the cold wind creeps into my room
im all wrapped in brown blanket and white sheets
yet im still dead frozen inside

grey sky, blurred sounds
vivid images in my head
yet im still alone inside

help me
please

i remember one famous quote from bob marley, ".. truth is, everybody's going to hurt you. you just gotta find the one worth suffering for."
i was numb back then and i still am even until now but to be honest, i wasn't sure if i suffered for you. yes, i cried my eyes out when you hung out with that girl and when you forgot our date and especially when you left, but did you ever really let me suffer? you were there, you were always there. your shoulder was something that i could count on. you apologized when you made me cry. you never made me suffer (except for when you accidentally stepped on my broken souls on your way out, but it was only one time before you finally escaped).

but maybe, just maybe, it was you who suffered for me.