an airplane and bird cross paths
the worry and anxious feeling in my stomach grew as the airplane slowly got smaller and disappeared into the grey clouds and how the bird kept flying,
just flying in the other direction.
there was something in me,
something in this moment that felt like this scene broke a string in my life.

walking home,
there was no wind,
there was no one outside.
no sign of moving cars or walking dogs on leashes.
i stood there abruptly,
wondering if this is how it would feel to leave and truly be alone.
in this moment,
time stopped for me and it was the most terrifying thing i've yet to experience.

i used hate the way i would be awake at four in the morning.
i remember the way everything used to feel so haunting and scary.
there were no words to describe how deep inside my mind i would sink into,
scared and afraid of no return.

but now,
oh now,
i love it.
i fell in love with the quiet.
there was no more worry or fear.

i always loved the sound of walking through snow.
the way it sounds both muffled and loud,
there was something comforting about the sound of it.
i think it's because it reminded me of my parents,
how things used to be when they were still together.
my sisters and i would come home,
hands red from the cold,
our house would be warm and we'd sit next to the fireplace my father lit for us.
the flames danced with each other,
i could watch them for hours.
do you remember snow?

today i listened to music.

not just any music but The music i would call my life
when i was younger.
there i sat,
singing along to songs that made me feel like i'm not underwater again,
sitting here almost 17,
looking out the window thinking "man they were right
when they said your worries now won't matter as much
in a few years".

today i listened to music
and realized i will never be that young, fresh kid
who knew about life at a way too young age.

i kept telling myself,
"moon, don't eat your feelings.
you're sad,
let yourself be sad."
but there's something in handfuls of cereal,
ignoring the healthy servings of cookies,
bowl after bowl of ice cream that numbs my heart to the point where i feel like it's not beating anymore.
there's something about chewing and feeling food go down my throat that feels comforting.
i know it won't fix anything
and i know that i'll hate myself after my 5th cookie,
i know all this.
but i can't help it.

i wanted to see stars again.
i thought that by now i would be able to
but i can't,
i don't.
you took every star in the sky and threw them away.
give it back, please.

it's the color of your soulmates lips.
the color your cheeks get when you blow out your birthday candles and you feel happy,
actually happy to be alive another year.
it's the color of your morning coffee.
the color of your skin and how you love the way it looks in the sun.

i swear i was a tree in my past life,
for the way their branches dance in the wind,
i can feel that in my bones.
i want to dance with them too.

i am a piece of the blue sky.
there are parts of me that are sad like dark clouds that are about to cry.
but there are also parts of me that are as bright as the sun and sometimes,
if you capture my eyes
you can see galaxies and universes in them.

i love the way you lean in to touch my lips with yours.
the way your hands fit perfectly into mine.
how your voice sounds like soft pillows and the crisp crunch of autumn leaves.
the world is spinning for us,
soley us.

for the first time in a long time, i feel like i can't be here.

yesterday, sitting in that chair, sitting in my desk chair in my room,
i felt insignificant.
i tried to imagine my life past this point and i couldn't.
i looked back at every single thing that happened to me that led up to this moment,
in horror, in sadness, in grief.

the amount of sleeping pills i would take every night only to force myself to stay awake to feel numb

i'm reaching out my hands to the night sky every night,
i don't know if you can see me giving you my heart but i'll do it until the end of my days.
your voice still sounds like honey and pillows.
your face is still how i remember it,
i remember falling in love with the chocolate brown color of your eyes
and how when you smiled your eyes shut tightly and your nose scrunched up.
so tonight,
like last night and the nights before,
i'm calling to you.
i smile saying your name and although there are tears of longing some nights,
i can hear you telling me to get back up again.
although i can't see you now,
i know that when our eyes meet again
i'll then know that this whole thing was worth it.

the hardest days i remember me falling to my knees.
my head would ache from staining my pillow with tears
and mind felt so heavy that i couldn't speak.
i kept my eyes closed,
still feeling the weight of the world on my chest.
with my eyes closed,
all the pain mixed together,
one thing didn't feel more painful than the other.
but that day ended and passed and i can only recall it in my memories.

it was in that moment,
i see two forms of light and loving smiling at me.
walking over to them
i felt their warmth wrap around me,
i never wanted to let go.
it was in that moment i knew i never wanted to leave the soil.
they wanted me here,
i wanted to be here.

the shadows grew taller and i watched as the sun slowly yet gracefully fall back into the earth.
before it was completely gone,
i remember seeing its light being cast upon the ocean waves in front of us.
glistening and shining,
something that i don't think i could capture on camera.
we sat there,
not saying a word to each other but we understood everything.
the tips of our shoes became damp from the calm, crashing waves
hugging us.
the tips of our fingers touched and all i could do was close my eyes.
doing this, i relived
Us.

mom,
it feels like my head is someone else.
constantly reminding me of every single thing.
like it's constantly running.
it's hard to speak how i feel,
words just won't come out and i end up speaking in key terms.
there are some days where i can feel the  chemical imbalance in  my brain.
nothing seems to make sense and no matter how hard i pay attention in class,
i can't retain information.
i feel like there's something wrong with me.
nothing feels right,
mom.

i looked at my hands closely,
pinching the skin covering bone and calling it fat.
looking in the mirror for over half an hour after i shower makes me want to disappear in my bed sheets again.
i stared at my open refrigerator only to pour myself a cup of lemon water,
calling my eating habits a "cleanse".
i put my hands up in defense every time my friends tried to feed me and endlessly offer me their food.

i don't want it.
i don't know what my goal is.
i want to feel okay in this skin.

i want my mom to take back every comment.
i want my little sister to think before she speaks when she's angry at me.
i want brendon, my first grade crush, to take back what he said to my face in second grade.
cause you see,
i remember it all.

i remember my mother calling me fat like it was a bad thing when my first grade thighs couldn't fit into my hannah montana jeans.

i remember brendon telling me he liked me until i started to get fat.

i remember every time my little sister has told me i have no friends and that everyone leaves me because i'm fat.

it feels like it's all come to an end with me.
thank you for loving me and showing me how beautiful this world is.
for i remember the first time seeing you,
meeting you
and how i thought someone could be That perfect.
for i remember love in this house,
festive seasons and all i could smell is my mothers perfume when i felt like i could hug her for universes.
for i remember all the moments i had like These,
so low i couldn't feel any of that anymore.
so i say goodbye, most likely.
god, don't worry
i received your messages over the span of these years and i get it now,
please save a room up there with my name on it.
j, i'm coming to see you now.
i should have never made that promise last december.
i'm coming to see you now.
friends, thank you for loving me even when i could barely use the four muscles in my face needed to smile at you to simply say
good morning.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for getting worse all these years,
i couldn't be the person you needed me to be and
i'm sorry.
oh i'm sorry for coming into your life with the impression that i'd still be here after we all turned --.
but i'm leaving now,
i will join stars now,
and be at peace now.
thank you for loving me.

in two hours,
i will be 18.
i'm claiming this to be the birthday that i am New.
completely new.
the past was never lived,
i was never that person,
i am not that person.
i am now,
i am love,
i am growth,
i am New,
completely new.

finally 18,
so utterly terrified yet relieved,
finally 18.
i am New,
i am 18.

i thought of how it's going to be my final year in high school,
senior year,
year 12,
fourth year in high school,
the final year.

and i begin to remember how every time you came home after school and cried on the porch outside.
i heard your cries from the living room.
i remember you telling me everything that happened,
good and bad,
mostly bad.

it made me afraid of high school.
it made me afraid of my senior year.
i don't really remember your smile during that year when it came to school.
i don't want to fill your shoes.
i'm already an anxious person already,
i don't want to be afraid of the year that scares me the most.

i carefully wrap my sorrow and pain up tight in a cloth and keep it hidden away.
some days, even i forget where it's gone but nights,
no, mornings,
like this is when i remember.
carefully unwrapping it,
i hold it to my chest like my favorite childhood toy.
suddenly, i feel alone again.
minutes turn into hours and before i know it,
my tears flow from my eyes,
i don't even try to hold it back.

your eyes held galaxies.
i will never forget the way you held me close,
the way i held you close.
why would i want to forget someone who i loved so deeply?
looking up at you back then,
i would've dropped everything to be with you.
i still would if you asked me to.

i looked at you
in every light,
in every angle,
in every mistake,
in every perfection.
i had to convince myself that we aren't for each other.

it all felt like it was making my brain turn into mush,
crushing it together,
pounding it,
liquifying it.
"what are you going to do with your life?
what will you be?
who
will
you
be?"

i thought that we invented the word forever,
the word infinite,
i was wrong.
the hand i used to reach out to is missing.
i wish you had enough respect for me to tell why you aren't here anymore.
the summer wind is reminding me of you and i can't help but feel my chest tighten.
it's like a train took you far away and you forgot to tell me.
i wish you'd tell me why you respond to me anymore,
why you can't bat an eye to me even when we're right next to each other.
did we outgrow each other?
did you realize that i could never be the person you wanted me to be?
did you get tired of me?

the future is terrifying.
just when i feel like i could do the things that i want,
just when i finally have the courage to start telling people what i want to do,
it crumbles down.

it was all just to feel loved.
i thought the intimacy would last longer but when i finally looked up at him,
he was gone.
they kept finding me,
showered me with sweet nothings.
i kept turning into goo and they'd play with then give back.
because i wasn't anything to any of them except for a good time.

you kept telling me i was your favorite,
i wanted to ask you what that meant every time but when you spoke
it wasn't on my mind anymore.
you make all the nervousness in the pit of my stomach go away,
my hands don't feel so shaky anymore,
and my brain feels clearer.
in front of me, all i can see is
You.
and you're so beautiful.

one minute phone call.
"i just wanted to hear your voice."
the permanent uneasiness that resides in the pit of my stomach,
i couldn't feel it anymore.
the corners of my lips turned upward.
i said,
"i missed your voice.".

my mind has been racing lately and it's been harder to keep up,
but in conclusion, i have realized this:

1. i am and was never broken
2. i am becoming the person i've always wanted to be, the person i truly am
3. i am okay
4. my growth is not linear but it's still growth

it's amazing how books can make you feel. i feel like i'm being suffocated by words,
how does that even happen?
even in this room filled with screams, it feels like nothing compared to reading the words,
'i love you".

there is a part of me that i can't see anymore.
slowly but surely,
all the clouds that have once been glued to above me are moving and disappearing.
i can't say that i am just sunshine and light now
for there will always be parts of me,
deep down,
that are cloudy and dark.
there will be days where i feel small in my room
and i'm learning to be okay with that.

cherry colored lips,
sun made freckles,
eyes that are and will always be the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen.
i didn't know life until i met you.
i didn't know love until you showed me.
i feel lucky enough to have found you and held you.
with you,
i can hear the calming sounds of the sea,
the rain sounds beautiful when i'm with you not sad,
i can see me alive two years from now.
you are my muse and i will never let you die as long as they read my words.
our love will be infinite,
we will be infinite.

you made me look in the mirror,
and i mean Really look at it,
look at myself and everything that was behind me.
you helped me let of my past self's hand.
helped me write a farewell letter and lit the match that set it on fire.
you also made me cry.
it felt like the world was crashing and for months i was planning on my last breath.
but i made it.
i'm learning to let go and learn and love all over again.
thank you.
i forgive you.
i forgive myself.

i couldn't stop thinking about you.
i'd give you my pencil over and over,
knowing i'd have to ask one from someone else.
i ripped out pages from my notebooks,
i hate doing that for anyone else.
at the store i'd call you,
asking if you like these cookies or this drink only to "surprise" you with it the next day.
i'd gather up the courage for a date.
spending hours looking at myself in the mirror,
"this outfit is wrong!
why is my hair looking like this?
will she look me in the eyes?
will my heart be able to take it?"
i'd run to the ends of the world for you.
say the word
and i'll stay by your side for as long as you want me to.

arms in the air,
they fall so effortlessly,
so gracefully.
eyes closed,
i feel my body turn into the spring air,
feet moving in every direction
like the world was mine and every step i took made it.
my body moved in the direction my heart pulled it at.
i felt a smile grow onto my face as i let the music notes in,
as i let their voices in and fill my veins with elation.
as i feel my heart closing in again,
my steps and arm movements become softer.
opening my eyes again,
i'm back on earth,
every inch of my body tingling with euphoria.

i came in afraid. three years plus some of being afraid. no kid should live like that but it happens and it happened to me.
three years plus some, entering a new world. "these will be the best years of your life.", they told me but i couldn't help but imagine what life after death would be like. i came in afraid.

year two and i wanted things to get better but then i lost him and it was like a hurricane. my heart was ripped out of my chest and my papers have tear stains on them.
four years plus some of imagining my next life. this year was the worst. counselor offices and confused faces of adults who just didn't get it. my lowest of the low. yet i still stand.

i came in... well still afraid. 360. i remember sitting there and it all came to me. it all became clear and the thunderstorms above my head, the war in my heart,
Quiet. i see light, i see it all. i see me. warmth. closure. forgiveness. light.

i made it now. unafraid. i heard them all scream my name as i walked with pride, as i walked with my head held high in front of my entire class, in front of their family and friends.
i
made
it.
the thunderstorms seemed so far away, they still do. i am strong. i am light.
i made it.

but then everything was silent,
everything was silent.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over an over again.
your hand touched mind, bringing me back.
our hearts synced and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind of it is to be aline.
to truly be alive.

i write about our love sometimes.
how i'll never get over the way your eyes are filled with stars when you smile.
or the way your cheeks turn the most beautiful red when we held hands.
i could write about your obsession with the rings on your fingers and how,
no, they didn't have a story,
they were purely for admiration.
i write about our love.
impacting my heart in such strengths that i can only describe as electric and stars exploding and being made again.
but we aren't good for each other,
that was the hardest conversation i've ever had,
telling you that we couldn't in each other's lives.
the darkest days hung over me like wet clothes.
everything kept piling on.
your words knocked me down when i tried to pick us Both back up,
wanting me to stay underwater with you,
"we have each other.".
i can't forget the look in your eyes when i told you good bye.
i write about our love sometimes,
most of the time i don't feel anything anymore.

recently, i feel like i've become someone else,
my true self,
the person i was meant to be.

the universe kept making go through the same situations until i learned my lesson and kept true to myself.
test after test after test,
and i finally passed it.

i've realized that I am the light at the end of the tunnel,
I am the burning candle that lit my own way through the darkness,
I am the grass and sun on the other side,
I am my own answer,
i always have been.

i can breathe.
i can confidently say that with you,
i can be happy.
i'm happy.
you've been the best thing that's ever happened to me
and i know it seems like a big promise but
i promise to never leave your side.
i will be here,
supporting you
and loving you with everything i have in me
for your smile and existence gives me the strength to live.
i'm here for you,
i'm here because of you.
i'll forever be in debt to you and i'll make you proud.
happy birthday,
you've grown so much.
you're not afraid to love anymore.
happy birthday,
You are heaven sent.
you smell of honey and flowers.
your heart is as pure as snow.
there are galaxies in your eyes
and every time you speak it's like i'm seeing color again.
happy birthday,
because of you
i love,
i live.

it just felt like i was doing everything wrong.
it's beginning hard to tell if your distance is actually there or in my mind.
i know sometimes people get bored but of me, but please,
please, not you.
you're the best thing i've had in a long time
and i know you won't hurt me
but why is this hurting me?
it's not supposed to hurt right? or is it?
i can't tell anymore.
please tell me it's in my head,
please tell me you still like me.
i can count the messages we've exchanged in the past few days on both of my hands and it's terrifying.
i don't know if i'm too much or too little.
i'm used to the abandon and the demanding and the mean,
but no, please,
please, not you.
i keep reassuring myself that you still want to be here, with me.
even though i marked it as a blue day in my mood tracker,
i want to go to sleep knowing you still like me.
i'm afraid it's gone to your head, the things you hear about how we're supposed to be, or how you expected me to be.
please tell me it's in my head,
please tell you still like me.

every thought and way that ran through my brain as to how i could tell you,
how i should tell you.
i wanted to write you a note or letter,
maybe even serenade you,
or take it slow and sit next to you in class,
ask you for a pencil and then everything would just play out.
your hand grazed over mine and i swear that,
in this moment,
the world stopped spinning.
i made you a playlist and my finger has been hovering over the send button.
i don't know how to tell you i like you.

i threw away 22 pages of writing because it didn't matter.
the things i've seen and lived through,
it doesn't matter.
i mean,
it does,
but i'm here now.
when it did it get so hard to write about now?

once telling someone me,
who i am,
it's always "how did you know?".
i didn't.
i knew who i was like you knew that pants where worn on legs or that love is both amazing yet disastrous,
i just knew who i was.

i was never around good, healthy relationships growing up. my parents were a bust, my older sister never taught me better. i grew to be someone who looked for someone who could give me what They all had.

subconsciously, i looked for someone who would hurt my heart so much that i believed that they did in the name of love. after years, i learned that, no, that wasn't love. that's not love. relationships aren't supposed to hurt you to the point where you have to learn to trust again. that's not love.

then i met you.

my heart weary, taking small steps towards you.
hands behind my back, i wondered what this would be.
i couldn't look you in the eyes,
i was afraid i could see the pain you would inflict on me behind your pupils.

but it wasn't like that,
not at all.
i went to sleep every night knowing i mattered to you,
i woke up every morning feeling butterflies.
i finally feel like a teenager.
thinking of you makes my cheeks hurt and i imagine us dancing in the kitchen,
i imagine us together, simply together.

i'm afraid to tell you i love you but i know it's real,
and i know you feel it too.
i know that this feeling is mutual and that's all i need right now.

tears streaming down my face,
my heart aching,
i ask everyone,
"how do you live?".
the lump in my throat never seems to go down.
the growing and growing sadness in the pit of my stomach and in my heart and contaminated every part of my body.
my body hurts when i try to move it
and my lungs don't feel like expanding anymore.
i'm at the end of a line.
so,
how do you live?