I see you
You lurk beneath the skin
Razor teeth shining through otherwise empty words
I see you in the malice
In the anger and confusion
Contorting the human mask you wear
I see you in the hatred
Growing stronger
As together you learn to hate yourself
Each passing moment you are brighter
Your host duller
Although you hide it well

And I am afraid
Afraid that one day
I will see you
And you see me
In a mirrors reflection
That one day you will ravage my mind
Tear away all knowledge and perception
That I endear
As I burn my loved ones
With your bitter tongue
And slowly forget them entirely
Until I become you
And then can no longer see you

As now i have seen you
Take another's skin
Remove him from his family
Take his pride, his mind
His love for all
And isolate us
In our islands of fear
Frozen, we can do nothing at all
I realise that there is no happy ending
There is no way back now
I always thought there were second chances
But he is leaving us, painful piece by piece
So fast, yet slow

It's unbearable

For now I have seen you
And I can never forget
The look in your eyes
The words you've said
I see the void
I see living death
And at least for now
You cannot see me yet

Dear mug.
I'm sorry if I break your handle
Or smash your fragile *** shell
When my hand wrapped too tight around you
How when my arm was caught
You fell
I'm sorry if I left you there
To turn cold; alone, unused
And when I took a sip and had to spit
then cursed vehemently at the contents of you
Dear mug can I say I'm sorry
For having to throw you away
You're cracked, chipped, and leaking
And handle-less as of today
I know, I understand, It's not your fault
That you wound up this way
But dear mug, I'm so sorry,
is all I wanted to say.

All the pain behind your eyes
With every truth behind your lies
My love, heart and honesty dies

Because I've felt the pain
The result of lies
I've felt how it feels to want to die

And that you wouldn't tell me how you feel
Wouldn't let me in to help- is this not real?

I get it. somethings - everything- you don't want to share
I guess I should never have let my self care

I'm sorry
I'm not good enough
And will never say the right thing

But I guess that's what comes
Of being your Harley-Quinn.

That is it then
The deal is signed
Everything, is in my mind
I watch past blurs
Doubled sight
What she said I fear is right

There's nothing wrong with me
Is what she said
Nothing wrong but what's in my head
But I can't think that
I can't see
Past the things I know to be me

For her it's not real
I guess it's easy to judge
But for me I can feel it - my own personal grudge
Against myself
My awkwardness
My fear of not being me
Saying things wrong whenever I speak

So tell me I don't tremble
Or take half an hour to reply
Tell me again how it's all in my mind

And if it is in my mind
No physicality in the mix
How could it be something
Real doctors can fix
Am I a monster?
Is something wrong in my head?!
"The problem is; You think that"
Is all that she said.

Two words burn my mouth
Scorch my mind
Just as the thoughts in my head
Want to be said, But never will

Jealousy; A dragons rage
My treasure the keeper of my heart
He who holds my body
To a certain part
But it's you that he adores

You, little lion, lay close to his heart
Together you laugh
In you he trusts
I am nothing but for his lusts

I am not his girl friend
I'm his girl, You are his friend
He would not want me
We're he able to see you instead

So I am jealous you have his heart
When it is all I adore
But having one ounce of his love
His gaze from above
Is enough to keep my blood warm

Two words in my mouth
Burn like the seven Hells
Not Girl friend nor Best friend
But "I'm jealous' beneath my quill.

i see them, your little fingerprints
like footsteps in the snow
   wherever i look, wherever i go,
         there they are, your constant reminders
of a world i no longer know
         whether i'm thinking of my favourite book
looking at my keyboard keys
                      leafing through my school pages
  or raiding a shelf of dvd's
                       my midnight snacks of icecream
                         nolonger warm the world
only serving to open the void
                               with rememberances spilt from your quill
             little flickers here and there
the way we sat, our favourite film, you trying to type with me
every break and lunch time together, climbing hills, falling asleep

i breathe you in and suffocate
                  see your finger prints every where
                       reminding me of the desert void under a burning cold sky
                                                             ­   that endlessly rests there.
                                           there,
           hanging in time
frozen between you and me
as i follow your finger print footsteps
                            and make my own with droplets of me
a tidal wave of memories overflowing and blocking my drain
                    each little piece of me staining
                              the finger prints left in our name

Fog
Things I will never see
You let her in
Why not me?
I will try not to be bitter
I won't get jealous I swear
I'm trying to keep it in
It's just a lot to bear
This searing torture
As I feel my mind start
Stabbing words at the strings
Inside my heart

With every second
The questions grow more
My self image has fallen
I am nothing but raw
Pain,
Fear,
Hollow inside,
Something not good enough
Nothing like her
Who sees all that you hide

Why don't you just tell me
What I'm scared I know I'll hear
That I'm just a bodywarmer
Replacing all that you can't get
That if she lived closer
She's be more than your friend.

I think it's time I go away,
Somewhere far so as not to hear,
I think it's time to find elsewhere to stay,
Far from the voices I have come to fear,

They're there almost everyday, in my head,
Dictating every breath or word I say,
But now I shan't think of them, instead,
I will think not of the binds my loved ones lay,

Now, now I will drift;
       Amongst the stars,
As I once often did with ease,
And escape finally, my self-centred harm,
Watching the world as I breathe,

Escape my Family, my Best friends, and Boy friend,
And the worries I feel every day,
Stop my mind, my brain's obsessing,
Over every single word or thought sent their way,

For from here I shan't worry no more,
Or care about social views,
Amongst the stars the world is smaller,
Even though physically huge,

My space, my mind,
Clear and free,
Will dance forever softly, away,
Whence I will be,
Just simple thought,
And exist throughout the Milky Way.

Alice tied string round her fingers,
For each thing, lest she forget,
She'd done all the work,
Come up with the phrases,
And with friends in mind off she set,

Her first two strings were for Alfie,
The hottest boy in the class,
She unraveled each one, read its label,
"Hey Charlie, lose the glasses, then lose yourself"
"Tommy Digs shift, we don't want your fat ***"

Her third string was for the patio group,
So she could sit at the benches every break,
"Eugh, wrieking Robin, you stink worse than the bin, take It with you and get away"

As the day wore on,
More strings were untied,
A trail of fraying strands in her tread,
Each one connected,
To the arms and legs,
Of Tommy, Charlie, and Robin at the other end.

As Alice was a puppet master,
One of many in her school,
With each new string to pull and tug,
Her popularity grew,

Alice tied strings round her fingers,
For each thing, lest she forget,
Each one she pulled on would tighten,
And scar an arm or a leg,

Cause her strings would entwine with others,
And the few most ensnared and caught,
Had no choice but to obey the ropes,
Tied around their Wrists,
their Necks,
and their Hearts.

I used to dream of a warm embrace
Pulling me closer
Holding me in

Though perhaps i dreamed only of strength
Of how it feels
To remain safe, warm, and strong

Perhaps i dreamed of companionship
Never alone
Fears calmed by two beating hearts

Perhaps I dreamed only of what I shall never have
True love
Lasting all of time

Perhaps

I used to dream of you
Your embrace caring
Blissful in your words
Content in mutual affection
Understanding
Acceptance
... Love

But dreaming is a curse
I no longer bear
That four lettered sin
Carved out my dream
With its false affection infliction

But consider this too

Perhaps I dreamed once
To escape the nightmares
To Escape fears as all men do
Perhaps I dreamed
To cling to hope
And in my darkness I dreamed of you.

Death

Death is something I want
          But can’t bring myself to take
Love
          Is something I lost
             But can’t seem to let go of
And time

         Time is where I drift, lost
                Not knowing any way or
                               place I see

     Forever stuck in between

Breathe
Just *breathe
Ignore it
Focus on it
Let your self go numb
Breathe out the pain
Then laugh with everyone
Don't stop to feel it
Don't even try to think
When it gets so you can't bare it
Just breathe out the pain and sink
Sink into the darkness
And let it all go
Find the place where finally
*Breathing's all you know

Too many times have I looked in a mirror
Finding an alien
Nothing that resembles me
The inside invaded by the out

Sometimes I fear we are all aliens
Captive in our human shells
Afraid
The big bad world will come and knock our doors down

Other times I'm alone
In a dark, cruel and ugly place
Reflecting back in the mirror
Saying don't look at my face

Saying there's nothing there that's human
Screaming "that's not me!"
But I can do nothing but watch
Through the alien eyes I see.

When your world is breaking
You get ****** into a dimension
Of two halves
One wrought with pain and emotion
Hot and searing in every second
The second is emptiness, the loss and eternal void of vast space spilling in as if to drown you
The two are inseparable
And awful each In their own way

But they are always together

I never believed I could act,
Or even write a poem that well,
And when it came to performing,
My words would stutter and quell,

My heart would quake,
Those hands would quiver,
And my whole body would shiver and shake,
I was traumatised and terrified,
And words would never come straight,

But a while back,
I met a man,
Wiser than anyone I know,
He showed me a way through life,
And He taught me what I know,

He told me some of his secrets,
And showed me a way to perform,
He helped me find my confidence,
And taught me to calm my inner storm,

He told me something that day,
That I will forever treasure in my heart,
That remains a secret between him and me,
From which I never will part,

That day surrounded by him and some friends,
I grew inside in a way,
And when performing later that night,
We blew them all away,

But he taught me something about myself,
That I had never seen in that way,
And even now it stays with me,
As it will till the end of my day,

But there’s something else amongst it all,
That he did let me know,
That a rose lives longer if it’s picked,
Before all its petals are on show,

All was broken
All has broke
And all shall break again,
Unless sweet bells
Doth ring their tune
Above thy love dear Ben

And who was now acquainted with
Thy lovesick melody
Not the bride
Not the friend
But the bride to be

Listen not to the stories told
For they are all, regaled from ole’
With all your heart’s intentions; behold

All was broken
All has broke
And shall break overtime
Apologies, spilled from his lips
Like poison into wine

The bride, heart smothered, with tainted grin
Smiled sickly sweet to see
Not the groom
Not the friend
But the bride to be

Hear not the tales told
For they all regale, from crimes of ole’
With all your heart’s intentions; behold

All was broken
All has broke
And all is breaking now
As lovers ghosts parade the halls
She’ll take her final bow

No paramount could be found
Witness to the scene
When love turned red
Who was dead?
The bride
The groom
And bride to be

So tell not of stories told
Nor of love regaled from ole’
And with all your heart’s intentions; behold.

All was broken
All has broke
And all shall break again
When thou play the game of love
You cannot but end up dead

A girl with anxiety, paranoia and depression,
She hides it well- your girlfriend.

Her darkest moods
Often related to you

When she wanted to die,
Unknowingly you pulled her through

With each message
more comfortable than the last

Together you know you both
Smile and laugh

Just when all is shining bright
All stars once again lighting the night

YOU call your girl-best-friend your other half
To her, your girlfriend's, face.
She wants to ****.

Flashes of blades, blood, sharp breaths, drowning tears- her darkest fears,
Spiralling and twisting in a night with no end
A girl with anxiety, paranoia, depression and fears
Yet she hides it well- your girlfriend.

Stars above hold on to me tight,
Hold me together when I cannot fight,
Because only you in this universe so huge,
Will stay firmly by me when life gets so crude,

When I'm not creating, not talking,
All the moments when i have no worth,
And the vastness of thought consumes me,
As I ponder my reason of birth,

When I feel emptiest, I look up to you,
Cause only the universe, knows what to do,
As I lay down my pain, raw in your eyes,
And think of the stars;
All the stars in the skies

How even in the emptiness, far away, there is light,
So when my mind is like space, I make my stars shine bright

So my dear stars, hold onto me tight,
For with out you I'm lost in never ending night,
Without you I'm gone, I can't find my worth,
Without you dear stars; I'd undo my birth.

Today I've had enough,
Today i looked and saw all the cracks and dirt,
All the rust on the mirror,
And the tears I put there to stain it so,
I saw the mottled skin ,
And stressed out eyes,
I thought I was better,
That Light was reaching my dusty corner,
But now I see I was ignoring my fractures,
       each broken bone,
Projected onto your life filled body,
Which I thought gave me wings
Sagging it,
            stretching it.
And I'm so sorry,
For all the **** I've done to our skin,
For all the words I've slashed and singeing paragraphs,
For all my sullied emotions,
And black tidal waves of nauseating Fear and insecurity,
For the smothering affection.
I'm so so sorry.

My mirror never looked darker than now;
But at least yours looks better without me in it.
So, I'm sorry, but I don't want to be your reflection.
Not anymore.

Life whispers through the mist,
As the grey water ripples slowly,
A slight breeze on the winds,
Changes all things unknowingly,

Birds of bones Clothed craw to claw in black,
Scratch at passing hours,
Nails on chalkboard teeth to grind,
Filing at daylights powers,

Sensory shadows dance,
Provocative and disturbing,
Curling and tearing at bleak visions edge,
Strangely alluring,

A sirens song of a sailor’s death,
Whistles on the breeze,
Don’t you know it dangerous?
To sail the seven seas,

But as life whispers through the mist,
And the grey water ripples slowly,
A slight breeze on the winds,
Changes all things unknowingly,

Earth and sea begin to meld,
And what was once is now gone,
Life leaves your breath behind,
To go dance with the sun.

You kiss me often
Hot lips to hot skin
Our burning fever bright
But we know not much more

Every meeting, in all our crossed stars
Although as heavenly as the bodies that contain us
Ends in heated whispers
That now glow like burning scars

As I look back upon our moments
That are supposed to hold our strongest love, not greatest fears
And see that they could be echoes
Of nothing more than
A sixteen year old boys newest ambition
From your half

From my half, in runny eyes
I see my fairytale reality
Imperfections and all
Fall apart at the fault that
You love me no more than your right hand
No more than the second choice
To the girl you would rather have

I am no angel or barber doll
I have faults, scars, and a past
-so do you
My reactions may not be impeccable
And my face one you'll never truly see
-although I wear no visible mask
Still I thought maybe,
For someone,
I was good enough
You made me believe I was,
Good enough,
For you

But then came the Days you were busy
And my Demons ran wild in the Night
Bouts of darkness so great
I was almost seduced by a knife
As my fear is loss,
Not being good enough to stop it
Not being good enough in life

And in your 'busy' you told your girlfriend you couldn't talk for days,
But still you would find time by some quirk
To talk to others of your current horrors,
But I'd pass it off as you needed time away from me and work,

Again and again my nightmares stirring
Were of you and your so personality-pretty friends
Or how behind my back, really
You were laughing at your means to an end
I pass that off as my paranoia
Our inability to talk, my anxiety
How it all made me feel ignored?
My depression entirely

Cause one day each week I would reset
We'd meet and greet, no work
Play games, have fun, smile and laugh
And make our relationship brightly burn

But now my fears have swallowed me
As one week turns to two and more
Your texts and calls no longer follow me
Other than a single, quick "are you free?" Drill, our "***" 's ignored,

This whole thing started out so beautiful
But now the monsters don't want to just play,
And I realised some of the scariest moments
Are those that burn bright as day

As closeted skeletons rattle their bones
I know I let someone in who set them free
I haven't said anything, I'm always right here
Right here where I said I would be

Now maybe you're going through some business right now
With which I have nothing to do
Or maybe it's all in my head after all
And another set of pills'll help me through
But I just want to say
Through it all- I'm still here
So where the hell are you?

Because your empty lips may kiss me often
But I'm more concerned with the pain in your eyes
I let you in, I won't hurt you,
Trust me please, it hurts when you lie
It hurts to think that I'm nothing
But your sixteen year old self's right hand
Yet it's the only way you ever seem to want me
And inside I wear **** like a brand.

A shaman of wise women
Whose only truths are never told
Seeks only understandings
Held aloft b'neath the world's nose
Be it truths bitter
Or stories of olde
Skeletons in closets
That reek of forebode
Mother whispers word of experience
Father helps them believe another view
The holy mass of firsthand knowledge
Read by those who can learn nothing new
A gift to the younger
A word from the wise
To see the bigger picture
Not the irony of life.

eyes like flames
but she wont feel the burns
her passion's like fire
but means less than fake words

she's ice on the inside
frozen within
trying to light her foul soul
with fiery sin

her daggers are stretching
sheer marks, cliffs within
as those fingers trace pathways
nobody can win

this is a game for the endless
seeking their torturous end
trying to fill up their nothing
but shattered eyes don't ever mend

they burn forever in chimney fire
so hot they feel nothing but pain
licking off their fingertips
lights torching all sane

brain so entangled, ensnared, entrapped
she's taking it step by step
drip by drip
no sounds after the shot glass

refusal to be weak again
refusal to feel
sharp edges like razor blades
eyes like fire, she's unreal

let it burn, she's screaming
with now dark chimney eyes
channeling soot straight from hell
passionately filling her skies

searing bliss for the other
but she can only feel numb
echo footsteps, hollow
heart beats like a drum

rope tied in a knot
heels raised high
taking each stroke leaping higher
but how far till you die

burning on the outside
burning on the in
her eyes like flames quiver low
so buried in sin.

It is unbearable
To see a loved one in pain
To watch their eyes prickle
See their tears stain

But is it not worse
To be unable to help
When one you love hurts
But your love is not felt

As you are not who they want
To them you do not exist
And you have to watch others
Be their everything

As you have to be happy
At your own despair
For you hate when they feel pain
Even more so that you could not be there.

I looked to the horizon again
But this time, right there,
was a sun rise
Brightening the hills
And god did it hurt worse,
than any I’ve ever seen before
Accepting that the future I want
The one I hope for
No longer has a part of you in it
Not even a touch

This sun rise was all me
And it hurt like hell to see

Just one

Just one
But I refuse,
Just one, come on
If it helps you can’t lose,
Just one I say
Needing a release,
Just one I do;
One works a treat.

Just one I say,
One when I’m low,
Just one when I don’t know where I should go,

One when I’m crying
One when you frown
One when I know I’m not wanted around,
One for each argument
One for each ‘I need time’
One for each part of me I now wish weren’t mine.

Why didn't i see it coming?
                              
                            I should have seen the signs
                                              For all the times he tried
                                                             But in the haze i lost my way
                                                  And must have lost my mind

                    My thoughts were consumed in a fog
                                                  But i only had him in my head
                                                            ­ So focused on making our car        

                                              That I ran a sign Dripping in Red

When I wake up in the morning
I have to pinch myself
To remember that fairytales
Hold no wealth
In this real world
For I am a dreamer
Of love, of life
And always do I fear
Drifting away
Going too far

With you I fear everything
Everyone
I'd rather be aware
And able to build my walls
Than absent from reality
Caught up in you
When I find out
You are not so caught up in me

I'd rather hear a siren's wail
A simple 'I'm not so sure'
Before the dam crumbles
And the heart strings snap
- so I can shut the door

But this wave is no tsunami
It's physical pain yes,
but it can't be seen
I've been there often enough
That I already look twice
And try not to dream

As there is no early warning system
That's why I'm afraid
Of you, of open doors
As once I'm down the river
I can do nothing but drown in your force.

Found; a dying *****,
Plays an off-key tune,
It's muscles are all torn or missing,
Has a hole the size of the Moon,

It's tubes are shredded and ******,
Has no Rythm to it's pounds,
Just lays on the floor barely moving,
Unsafe and structurally unsound,

There's evidence of attempted repair work,
Covered in stiches and staples that ooze,
Patches and droplets of salt crust,
As well as the faint reek of *****,

There also seems to be a label,
That someone has recently tried to remove,
Appears to not be surgical precision,
But that fact still has to be proved,

What is decipherable reads as,
"Please call if found"
I tried, dial tone, "number disconnected",
Seems no one wants it around,

Was left this way before Tuesday,
In the skip of apartment block 4/2,
No one has noticed it's missing,
There is nothing more that I can do,
(12/03/15)

Found; a dying *****,
Left alone, not wanted around,
Desperately needing stiches,
In hands where none can be found,
(15/03/15)

Lost; a dying *****,
I stopped trying to help it survive,
It's been a while, and no one has claimed it,
Now it belongs in another life,
(10/06/15)

Lost and Found; a dying *****,
A vital one so it now seems,
Went back to the skips yesterday,
Found; a dead girl, late teens,

Found;  a dying *****,
Singing an off key tune,
Her muscles are all torn; One's missing,
Left a hole the size of the moon,
(27/07/15).

i hate the word love
hate the sound
and the implications and spells it casts
on people who by it are bound
- yet it never lasts

as soon as you have 'love'
life can at first seem great
but you lose part of yourself
become half someone else
and are blind to the loss it creates

love; the term is soppy
increasingly miss and over used
its a word that should have meaning
and explain only a connection
of personal comprehension
-and not necessarily the type for pews

so love, yes i hate the word love
and pray it never should pass through my lips
other than in appreciation of dearest souls
and not in the case of falling too far, too quick

its ideals are not one i relish
all i see in it is that it becomes weak
why must we be told, that we will "find love and grow old"
and never something else like:
the future is yours; every. single. week.

so go live your life as you want it
don't feel you have to conform to society's form
School, Uni, Job, Marriage, Family - only if you want it
do what you love, what makes you strong

as love does not mean simple affection
it means soul warming understanding and care
it is for objects, actions, people, animal and places,
not for crude or simple phrases where it feels barren and bare.

I long for my escape,
Away from this all.
Time alone to seize the madness within,
Seize the darkness of the shadows;
And destroy them with a golden ray of light.

To find a place of blissful solitude where everything is gone,
I long to find my paradise and escape,
       - I need to, to live on.

My need for solitude as a means of salvation,
To stave off the ruins of my mind,
And bring back the light there once was,
To get away from the inky mass,
That encompasses my mind, my life...
Me.

I must escape, I Must,
Get away from this all,
Find my isolated paradise with waters of calm,
No thoughts,
No work,
No life,
No stress,
No bad,
No good,
No grey,
Only clear plain paradise,
An isolation and escape,

The sort that can come only,
In ones grave.

Broken
Defeated
Burnt
Bruised
Shattered
helpless
And utterly used
Burning
Crying
Sharp stabbing pain
How I swore I would never
Do this again

Broken by you
Defeated by life
Burnt on the inside
Bruised from past strife
Shattered eye Windows
Helplessly torn
Burning and stinging
Crying I mourn
The loss of something
I treasured the most
Now all our memories
Are as faint as a ghost

Misty
Faded
Cold
Unseen
Forgotten
Scary
No longer a dream.

Whisper to me softly
Slowly
So I almost cannot hear
Your poisoned speech
Slewing through
And melting off my ears

As that gaze of thorns
Rests lightly like
A crown upon my head
Our 'ntwined hands
Hooked and clawed
A clammy cold and dead.

Time is even older,
Than this gnarled bone that we chew
In our twisted Grimm old story
A fairlytale for you

You cannot see the cobwebs
Woven in my tears
The slug trails on my cheeks
That prewarn of my fears

Of your dark moon eyes
Glittering at
The fresh doe in the woods
You've always liked
What you can't have
And thrown away the duds.

I often mourn for him, the lost one
And I regret that he drifted away,
I watched like a statue, so silent, so still,
As he found his own way that day,

But oh, those many days I watched him,
Like a boat afloat from shore,
Watching his laughter and every disaster,
With a happiness that made my heart feel so sore,

I yearned to talk to him daily,
And of all those days I never could,
I was unable to stand the wave strength,
So I stayed back and watched as I thought I should,

But sometimes he would cast his glance to the sea,
His gaze momentarily just flickering to me,
As if by a miracle he maybe could see,
The invisible girl that so much resembled me,

But he never saw me, yet I always saw him,
My mind was so dulled and naive,
Yet my heart so full of hopes and wants,
Those I knew I should never believe,

I watched them all,
And they all passed by,
And of all the wanderers,
He caught my eye,

I don't think that I really believed,
That I did have a chance to be seen,
And had I known back then that I did,
I might have pushed on through the waves and not hid,

But I didn't really know,
And my heart really cared,
But then it turned to stone,
A stone that I bared,

For every long year,
After he left,
And I watched him walk,
Through his life so deft,

And my heart did shatter, my heart did break,
As if it was made of glass or sand,
But only when, on the horizons wake,
He turned to me, and waved his hand,

And so I mourn for him,
And the chance that we had,
And I mourn for the ignorance i held,

I mourn for the bliss,
And I mourn for the hope,
That in the end was true, but failed.

I'd lost my light
I'd lost my hope
Been broken and used
And left all alone
Shattered and sinking
The darker she fell
How she could be happy
You never could tell

You were my light
You were my hope
Took a broken girl
And made her feel unbroke
Plastered her cuts
Made her feel loved
Held onto her tightly
And earned fragile trust

You were my light
You were my hope
Took a broken girl
And tied her a rope
Slowly and painfully
Pushed her away
Ignoring, avoiding
What can i I say

I was once broken
Then you fixed me up
Stood me on a chair
And gave me the shove.