It’s when you reach the bottom
Can feel no lower down
No longer can see the Sun blazing over you

That’s when we turn our heads up
To the sky above
Seeing nothing but the starlight chandelier
Hanging over

And dream of flying,
   amidst it all

Of laughing and spinning our way
Dancing through life
In sparks of never ending beauty
Feeling weightless
              For all the world to see

For it is only ever in the darkness
That we birth our brightest dreams

The end is waiting not a,
Huge crash- collision
Like onslaught,
-Earth bending, breaking
Shattering like glass,
At the bottom of a
Pool, is not a tidal wave
Goodbye, to friends and family,
Tilting, listing, moment
Of truth ringing like a
Gunshot in your ears
No, hearing nothing,
Silence, is screaming and
Bleeding - it’s not, all at
once like a,
Thundercloud
It is, creeping,
Numbness of tears-
Stains, like it will,
Never fade,
Forgotten- never until,
Life again; starts, stops, stalled
car in traffic the
End is waiting-
Not sudden.

Once you've had everything
and lost it all
The difficulty is always in not remembering
in trying to actively forget
It seems such a simple thing before
but when you try, its like hell
Even when things change and move on
you're lost, sometimes dragged
into little whirls of memories
and what could be, or was
Even when you try to pick the pieces up,
glue it all back together
Its not the same
That little piece is always missing or out of place
The cracks will always show
Your vase cant hold water anymore once its been broke
Then it happens
One day, it becomes harder to remember than to forget
The next its easy again but after that;
it keeps happening
Like part of you is gone
You cant feel it the same way anymore
as much as you want to,
as hard as you try-
the feelings
the memories
the happiness you felt
Its all gone and eroded
Faded into time as if it never happened in the first place
As if it never held such importance in the first place
As if you didn't at some point feel you would die at the pain of what you've lost
And its almost worse
Cause you believe its gone for good
That little feeling is never coming back from either side
And all you have is not even the memory of something faded
You come to think of it
and its all gone.
Just like how,
i come to think of you,    
and;

.

The gallows swing in my gown
how my grievous allure
axiom, snares me down
an appellative of harrowing quintessence
wearing lilies like an aureole
                                                      -crowned in by anemone and asphodel
the paraded gait of my soul

absence of faithful apparitions
cogent til their demise by my own dolor
nihility is my dear conviction
to dwell on dreamless sleep once more

alas lucidity comes abrupt
falsehoods pellucid in the eyes of divinity
tainted now i cite apprehension
bear garlands of wormwood, for i am corrupt
still gallows shall swing in my gown
whether in repose or in waking
the gallows swing in my gown
in knots the Styx shall be waiting.

please...
...you have to let me go...
i cant live like this
so still
so stuck
i have to fly
i have to be free
please...

i will forever lean into tomorrow,
no matter where it may take me,
no matter where i go,
because tomorrow is always a sunrise,
the blank canvas will never stop,
i can stretch into a new horizon,
crate a new worlds each and every day
...Dance with creation, and never drop
and maybe,
On the one day i open my eyes,
to see the same thing as the day before,
and know, with all my heart,
that this is what i want to see tomorrow,
that my smile will be true,
maybe then, maybe on that day,
i will stand still with you
and watch endless time pass us by...

but for now
I'm going to chase the sun
And hide in the stars,
because my universe isn't done yet
Though i'll have to leave ours...
i'll come back to you soon
one day,                      i know i will be true
As as much as i feel the need to be free,
i know i wish it were with you
But we cant
we have to travel this path alone
I cant pull you along for my ride
As you deserve your own

No, i wont be selfish
I couldn't wish that for you

just promise me
                     if you can
that one day when  my dance is done
i can return to hold your hand
Never having been forgotten
So i wont be alone

i'm sorry i have to leave you
              forgive me
                           please

                                    don't say no

we both have to do this together,     i swear i'll understand,
whatever your decision,       i'll wish us hand in hand,
and if it cant be,      i can walk the path I've come,
praying as if it were the earth, i can walk my past back to the sun

but if it cant be
please, just let me fall
All i wish for is to be free
     with you, after-all

And you may not wish the same
after all our time
even then i'll be happy
even if only in my mind

And i would wish the same for you
That you find your happiness,
And if it is with me-    then i guess
             i'm blessed
but anyway
                  i should go now
the sun's getting low, somehow
remember, i love you
please, just don't let go.


goodbye my love,
   see you tomorrow.

words
they dance and spin
behind eyes
and closed lips
on bitten tongue
all through the head
so plainly seen
but never said
so;
       why do they hold back?
why do they hide?
when they're needed
before our time
is gone and over
from the unspoken words
ones that only now
have i heard

Sweet water,
Beautiful water,
Take me down the rabbit hole,
Pull me down,
Right past sane,
Where I will find my soul,

Sink me deep,
Sink me far,
Where I won't feel again,
Not, the biting sting,
Of constant words,
That follow me every-when,
Infecting me from when I sleep,
To when in sleep I lay,
Just let me go,
Escape the sounds,
Watch reality burn away.

Go and tear the monsters down,
Let water take their place,
Infecting me as it swells,
Smothering my face,
Burning through my starving lungs,
Singing me to sleep,
With slashing words and biting tongue,
Hidden, behind pearl-white teeth,

So. Sweet water.
Beautiful water,
Come chase away my air,
Pull me down,
And sink me deep,
So I don't drown of despair.

You’re too nervous around me
He said
Though it shouldn’t matter much really
Just a personality trait
And true at that
Maybe it was just fate
But honestly
What did he expect?
Ignored me half the time
Distanced himself
Made me feel unwanted
   -Unloved
It shouldn’t really matter, truly
Silly child-like beliefs
In love
But it was just that,
It was heaven
Till paranoia crept in
Like the monster from under my bed
Depression seeped in with nightmares
With every blank glance and words unsaid

I tried being there, I tried pulling away
I tried what I could bear
Day after day
Watching my own tragedy
Break at the seems
The cracks poured in and drowned my depths
       -Shattered beyond belief
Because of my
inability to work socially
Too awkward to talk
Too shy
Terrified of saying the wrong things
So alone in my own mind
Is there anything I can say?
Anyway that it’s untrue
My anxiety came off as nerves
Mostly around you
Cause with you it mattered most
Someone for whom I cared
But you’re right it’s my fault
I couldn’t love enough to stop being scared

So I’ll watch from the backseat
As the movies go on
The confidant chick gets the guy
Or he fixes the insecure one
But nothing goes wrong here
Not like it does in reality
Guess I’m just trying to justify his excuse and its finality
Too nervous around me
Oh, really.
But the truths I could already see
I knew, how I knew, and knew all along
He’d never truly wanted me

So I laugh at the comments I bit back
Bleeding lips from words too tongue
In cheek I thank you;
     Graceful bow
For helping me along
For ripping away the stem of nervosa
You’d brought flowing with you since the first day
For the harsh remarks
-a slap to even those who’re stark
And the steel that I grew as I say

It was you
You who didn’t care enough to help
Who could not see the panic and fear I battled to try and stabilize myself
For you
To make us happy
Yes I had problems of my own
But I was there for you
And what did you do?
Nothing but leave me alone
Saying the cause was all me
My anxiety
My nervosa had won?
You know how insulting that can become?

I staved off the dragon in the mirror
To keep safe the tower climbing prince
But in truth I know now
Princes don’t exist
I was really my own companion
Fighting my own weakness’
With my own strengths
And now I know my own reason
Has to forever be only myself.

looking across life's scars
and seeing the grime, every germ
sunken into every sun dried pit
seeing buzzing flies
and rotting matter on the floor of
a metal tower
sometimes
humanity makes me sick
everything is just petty
or huge and momentous
new angles and directions never ceasing
in this endless
cesspit of reality
peel back the makeup for decay
watch as everything crumbles
but 'others have worse days'
its all too many standards
the gauge never enough nor too thin
to stop the globe from spinning off
an axis view to zoom in
passivity is not an option
there'll always be those who cry fail whilst you fly
but to be drawn into the maze of humanity
makes me wheel and cry
with the despair
of a heart broken mother
mourning an innocents new soul
stolen by the torments
and very blankets it wrapped itself in
from the cold; unfeeling
days old, but spent outside
yet would it be better focused in
a small soldier ant working tirelessly
where its miracles begin
but ignorant, so very ignorant
of the army rising on the opposite side
of the world, that distance it cant see
wont be around to fend off the lies
and attacks of humanity
and it's nature, so maybe it is best to be above
stay out of those grimy halls
with slimy walls
that swallow you up whole
like a blanket until you're blind
to the mistakes made and welts left behind
on the poor planets surface
in all eyes that see
staining and smoking the air that we breath
humanity is a disease
and it will spread
sometimes it makes me wish i were dead
but at the same time
how wondrous is that little bee and ant hive
in it's structure and architecture
flights and faults
the wiring of its nerval core
so intricately wove
like a pattern
humanity self obsessed
with the maze and levels and views and unending list
of further complexities
never refined
both a disease and a wonder
but still all through our minds

You see the blank white of canvas
Stretch beyond horizons reach
As simple line edges make the image
A two tone, grey-scale; Bleached

For the world is empty, too empty
When it has lost all colour and complex line
Harsh edges form definition
But even those will fade with time

As i roll over in this barren expanse
And see every impression where you lay
Draw out the shape of your figure with my fingers
And watch it all just wear away

As time erodes everything
Every pencils soft grey line
Even the vibrancy of chromatic life
That seeped in like ink; when you were mine

Unlike now;
Now my world is a stark grey
Of charcoal and harsh paper white
I always did love these desolate sketches
And playing with dark and light

But my artists hands have stilled so
Because i cannot draw all that i feel
This emptiness and loneliness
Not even my words feel real

As i reach out for 6 strings
Canvas and pencil
Paper and pen
I beg of you to let me sing
In colour and shape again

Not in these cold
White, bleak voices
That fade my image
And become a minds haze
That hollow my eyes
And whiten my face
When in a mirror i gaze

For i find i am lost
In a deep abyss
Since you took it all away
Come on, get a grip!
You are worth more than this,
Don't let them steal your face!

But all i see is the blank white of canvas
Stretching on and on out of reach
And you look at my world of new work
And wonder

Why the use of bleach?

I'll listen to a lullaby
Dance around my brain
And try to think of you
Without seeing rain

hush now my love
You are everything to me
Let me fight away your demons
Pull you closer while you sleep

As my old favourite song lyrics
Get stuck inside my head
Tied tightly to the image
Of us curled up in bed

hush now my love
I'll keep you warm
As we hold each other tightly
And keep at bay the storm

Cloudy smiles bright
As first dew morning sun
Flit around like butterflies
Reminding how no one

hush now my love
Your hand trembles in mine
Find peace in our warmth
When our hands intertwine

Has seen that side of me
Since the day that you left
Prooving once and for all
That love truly is deaf

hush now my love
Times are growing cold
I am still here watching over
No matter what you're told

So now I hear the lullaby
And sing its sorrow's tune
Knowing all love is lost
But that of me for you

hush now my love
When dawn comes I will be gone
I'm sorry I can't hold you
And keep you safe and warm

As when the night quietens
Right before my eyes
It's the image of you I see
That drowns out my lullabies.

*hush now my love
Your hollowed eyes grow dark
Just listen as I whisper
The story as we part

How to tell?

I've always loved that deep, deep red,
Soft as velvet, Smooth as fire.
It's imagery stark, whether in;
Winter whites,
Dark greys, or,
The Hustle'n'Bustle of colour's Chrome ire,
With all the things it represents,
Fame, fortune, Dripping from your nose,
Slashed on your skin, love
And Romance, written on your tongue,
Warmer; than all Hell's scorching pits,

And now staring at the sink,
I feel it, so much more,
Than everything.
A clear gauze blur,
On crunched China bone,
And rubbery plastic cartilage,
Like heels into snow,
I sink into the Crimson Ink
And stare into the sink
But how to tell?
Which Crimson is which?
Is all that I can think*.

Is it Love, Lust, Hell, Pain,
Blood, Fire, Fortune and fame,
Romance and Roses,
In all that I think,
As I see more
- and deeper yet sink-
Into how
Life writes it lines
.Deep.
In Crimson Ink.

I watched the black-lit screen die
Knowing it was the only thing left alive
After the Tigers in the night chased me under the bed
Words follow me out how they wish I were dead
The world surrounding fades to grey
I guess to me there is nothing to say
With my body in chains, my soul barely survives
All the avoidance and rejection tied into our lives

Does it matter if a silhouette is one or two
Under the darkened tracks I'll find out with you
Dive in deeper, Swallow me whole
Dear cause of this numbness and bitter black hole
Is there something I can do
To turn this nightmare away
Is there anything that will make me be visible again
Will acid words spill from your mouth to my ears
Will your gaze finally see me again after what feels like years

But here in this dark room
I sit all alone
Waiting for a reply
On an all but dead phone
And as the black-lit screen
fades away
I know it's the end to
These cold mess of days.

i can see it
like a tape recording
be it frosty winds, howling rain, the ever rarer shining sun.
i can see it somehow

how he turns to stare at her every minute or so
his body gravitating towards his best friends
every morning, every meeting the same tune
hey, how are you? acts interested -as if he cares-
then turns around to see if she's there.
when her face is present
he basks in her beauty
turns back and can no longer see anyone
but his best friends;
he needs no one else

i can see it still , like a tape recording
played on an old film reel
the girl alone disappears with the seasons
invisible to all, the burning to feel, and

no one sees
how she turns to watch him every other minute
even when he moves away
a couple apart, but you wouldn't believe it
she just loves to see the happiness on his face
when her best friend walks in with beauty
and he can do nothing but stare
her boyfriend's smile is pure heaven
even if she can't put it there.

I'll never forget that film reel
forever burnt in my corneas and mind,
a tragedy, a love story
that won't last all of time.
as his hands find mine so rarely
his mouth utters words to me, so few
pining over what he cant have
never seeing from an outsiders view

but an outsider i am not
i just don't know how to feel
stuck here, behind the lens
in my tragedy too Reel.