this place feels eerily familiar
the same empty walls and cold tile floor
i sit and stare at the ground
listening to the conversations
and preparing myself

“it’s just a check-up”
it’s a lie, they know somethings wrong
stand on the scale, take off your shirt
little did they know my temporary weight comes in the form of water

sit up straight, don’t forget to smile
she’s watching every move
“so tell me about your mood”
copacetic as always

she scribbles quickly on her clipboard
i can tell she’s going to offer again
“and have you considered?”
to tell you the truth im scared
but i need all the help i can get

so i’ll give it a try
60mg a day is a small price to pay
for the chance of balancing the chemicals and finding the light again one day

the dark is cold and im sick of being alone
i think it’s time to find a new home

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
i think you are brilliant
because you say what i wish i could without second guessing

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
thank you for standing up against our professor when he declared that females do not belong in the class

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
i watch the way your body grows in anger when you listen to the nonsense
and i know that you’re about to prove everyone wrong

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
don’t ever change
no matter how many times our professor hands you a paper with no comments and a C minus sits boldly at the top
i know that you deserve better than that

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
every time you say good morning and ask how i am, i wish i could talk to you more
i can tell we have a lot in common

to the boy who sits in front of me in philosophy
im sorry i don’t even remember your name

i always wondered why women get “dolled up”
but men “suit up”
women put on layers of makeup and suffocate themselves wearing corsets
to become an object that a man will like to look at and use
but men clean up and dress professionally

it certainly says a lot about our society
the white woman’s 77 cents to the man’s dollar
and even less for the minority women

the media glorifies women of size 00
which is quite literally less than nothing
women are supposed to be so small
that they are less than zero

science tries to define a woman’s purpose as producing children and taking care of the home
but what about the women who are not fertile and live on the streets?

they will always ask a woman “how does she do it all?”
but when was the last time a man was asked the same question
when both of them have a job and a family to balance

men are not expected to assume the subordinate role
because society deems women to be inferior to men
when women continue to outscore men on the SATs and reading tests
but those men will be given the leadership positions the women rightfully deserve

the objectification
the classification
the learned gender roles
the discrimination
all empower the patriarchy

but we can dismantle it
one empowered woman at a time

over time i’ve grown to hate the mirror
because i stand there pulling my skin back
trying to help my skeleton stick out
and i’ll stare until i hate what i see

sometimes i miss the feeling of a constantly empty stomach
where i could feel light on my feet and compress more easily into an invisible shell of insecurity

they still watch me whenever i eat
to make sure im not just rearranging my plate at the dinner table
and they refuse to accept the excuses to why I’m not hungry

nothing tastes good anymore
because i can only feel it adding to my stomach or my thighs
nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

on the billboards and the tv i see nobody that looks like me
and I’m sick of a number determining my worth
but that’s the price of being a woman

whether it’s being strangled with a measuring tape or told to lose ten pounds
then being told that you are too skinny to bear children
why does it always define me?

at least at the end of the day
i can trace my collar bones
and remember when i was thin enough to be called beautiful
and before i learned how much my body would determine my life

people like me are dangerous
because we disguise ourselves so well
that nobody can tell us apart from
the crowd

people like me are cautious
we put on a mask and hide
but all it takes is one moment
one slip away from being found

people like me are trying
to just get through the day
without breaking down into tears
but it takes everything out of us

people like me are afraid
of the look in someone’s eyes
when they find out and want
to expose us

people like me are surviving
so well because we know how to act
we’ve been learning our whole lives
behind closed windows and doors

people like me are high functioning
because we have to be to get by
we are strong on the outside
but hurting deep inside

people like me scare me
because you’ll never know they needed help
robin williams, amy winehouse, mac miller

people like us are living among you
walking by you on the street
smiling at you
and you would never know

it’s been so long
since we sat there staring at the bridge in the distance
your arms wrapped around me
keeping me safe from the chills the wind loved to give me
sharing our secrets under the moonlight

it’s been so long
since we listened to this song together
and i laid there with my head on your chest
feeling your heart beat in time with the music

it’s been so long
since we kissed in the rain
and you sat there holding me
when you realized you would have to hold me tight to keep my broken pieces together

it’s been so long
since we touched skin to skin
our bodies so entwined we almost got lost in each other
and i could see your eyes looking right at my soul

it’s been so long
yet when i listen to this song
i still think of you

but now the lyrics hit home for me
i don’t think you knew me at all
i dont love you
and i never did

it’s been so long
but i still remember that i didn’t love you
and i wasn’t ready

damaged
a word never described it so perfectly
it functions good enough
but wear and tear over time
has taken away the shine
damaged
like scrap parts sold for cars
once it was beautiful and whole
but it sits on its own
and even if it does find another home
or something to complete
it will still stand out
like mismatched socks
damaged
when they look at him they see character
every dent tells a story
of tough times and how they only made him stronger
but in her they see something wrong
a machine broken beyond repair
if she could she would smash her entire being and watch the pieces shatter
because at least something obliviated
doesn’t have a false sense of hope
blindly dragging it along
wondering if one day things can be repaired and the damage be undone
damaged
we don’t know when along the way it happened but it did
and it has altered everything about her
from the way she smiles to the way she sees the world
i wish i could show her how to re-wire her brain so her thoughts can be reset
and the pieces can rearrange until they feel like they are where they’re supposed to be
but she is damaged
i am damaged
a word has never described me so perfectly
damaged

alone on the floor again
with a razor as my only friend
tracing the outlines of the veins on my arm
like a child’s coloring book
trying to find a calm deep within

my body becomes a canvas
covered in blue, purple, red
a symphony of shades
like a rainbow for the depressed mind

but it is morbid, an inhumane sight
so I have to keep them hidden away
behind barriers of bracelets
and constricting long sleeves
even in the blistering heat

they will never understand how it feels
on the outside it’s destructive and ugly
a permanent reminder of the pain
but the chemical rush is a relief
that no amount of opioids could match
so it’s a good high to chase
and a harder habit to kick

dont ******* believe it’s beautiful
like a classical masterpiece or
a heart-wrenching ballad
because if you saw me behind that door
shivering, naked and lifeless
you would not call it a work of art
but a tragedy

it is an addiction like any other
in all of its ugly glory
and it will push people away
and make their stomachs turn
and you’ll be alone
on the floor
again

i feel it in my chest
with every breath feeling heavier than the last, like someone is playing jenga
with concrete stones on my body

my eyes burn
the same type of pain that comes from gripping a hot pan
or pouring acid on your face

i sit atop my bed, restlessly scratching
my arms or my heels
dissecting the layers of my skin
trying to feel something
or for a sign that I’m still alive

then the thoughts come creeping in
about how my body is disgusting
and i should never eat again
and how i’m just not smart enough
and no matter how much stress I put into my work
it will never be enough

even my meds know that I’m not enough
because even the proper dose
can’t help me

there’s something about the darkness
the way it drowns out color
becoming nothingness

there’s something seductive about her darkness
the way her eyes draw you in
you crave the touch of her skin
like a cigarette
does she like me or does she want to break my heart?
she’ll keep you guessing

there was something about his darkness
she was drawn to him because he was the only one
who understood why she rejected the world
and why she liked the cold so much
he made her feel alive
he was the first one who saw her for who she was and adored it
beautiful, mysterious, everything

there was something about the darkness
the way it leaves you all alone
the maddening silence
the empty void
is all you are left with

she was attracted to the darkness
but he was the darkness

i wish it was easier to understand
how some days i can be full of energy
warm, joyous, laughing
when the next day i can be lifeless
laying in my bed wishing it was my coffin
cold, miserable, crying

sometimes i feel powerful
like i could run for miles
or fight my way to the top
sometimes i feel defenseless
like i can only ***** up
and i give up fighting at all

some days my depression takes control
and it changes who i am
it alters my personality
drains me of my energy
and weighs me down

some days it feels like nobody could ever love me
like hot-and-cold mood swings
nobody knows if i’ll give in and cancel plans
or not call them back
if only i could find the energy or the confidence to not be ashamed of myself

i have to remember that i am who i am on my good days
and that true friends will stick around
but how much can i ask of them?
how many times will it take until they too give up?

how long until i give in
for good?

swaying to the rhythm of the bass
I dance the cup back up to my lips again
I close my eyes and knock the rest of the drink back
feeling the familiar burn
I smile
letting the substance run into my bloodstream
again and again and again
each round makes the world a bit brighter
the music sound better
my body more numb
my feelings more happy
so I drink and I drink
until I’m on my back
and the world is spinning
my mind is empty
free from any thought
I am at peace
floating, like a ghost
just trying to get through the night

you feel it happening again
the shaky legs
driving you insane
the sweaty hands
ruining your plans
the racing heart
making you want to dart
are they watching me?
what do they see?
I feel their eyes all over me
is this a nervous breakdown?
i really need to come down
get it together
you say in your head
but the voices don’t let you forget
you’re better off dead
stop it, stop it, go away
do not come back another day
it’s just chemicals in my brain
but all I can feel is pain
anxiety is not beautiful
it certainly does not make me strong
I just want to be normal and feel like I belong
panic attacks are not cute
and I cannot “just calm down”
it is a disorder and debilitating
it makes it really hard to breathe
average tasks become mountains
it’s not simply all in my head
it feels like I’m about to drown
but with patience and persistence
i will never back down

i want to be perfect
not as in the most beautiful woman
or having the ideal body shape
but as in being the best person
the one people can confide in
and take for long drives  
the person people want to live their lives with
i want to be funny
not just by making jokes
but by spreading laughter and causing smiles
the type of person you could talk about for miles
someone who is the reason for your happiness
i want to be caring
not just asking about your day or your family
but someone who just knows what to say and instantly brightens your day
a person who knows how to make you laugh so hard you cry
but also knows how to make you smile when tears have been falling from your eyes
the person who will always understand
and will never leave your side
no matter what
will be your ride or die
i want to be enough
i want to be there when things get tough
the type of person who you could never picture your life without
the type of person who without a doubt
is your person
i want to be everything you need
everything your expectations exceed
i want to be anything but me

please don’t touch me
she said looking at the floor
because while it may seem like no big deal to you
to her, your hands feel like bugs crawling beneath her skin
invading the comfort of her own body
please don’t kiss me
she whispered turning away
because even though she is in a relationship with you
consent still needs to be renewed
like vows to keep each other safe
from the demons of assault
please don’t force me
she begged as she laid beneath you
because a woman is taught that her clothes can’t be too revealing
and her smile can’t be too friendly
instead of teaching men that **** is horrible and no means no
please don’t push someone for ***
because ****** assault is not always a drug induced nightmare or a physical force holding you down
it can be the manipulation or the bribing
the begging or the crying
please don’t forget
it’s not just about ***
it’s about who is in control
and who is controlled
the owner and the object
we are all equals
it’s time to treat us as such

tick, tick, tick
goes the clock
so I turn and turn
but nothing feels right
1, 2, 3am again
just me, alone with my thoughts
the world is silent and still
except for my lonely friend
at least the clock never sleeps
maybe it’s better this way
when I close my eyes my thoughts fill with you
the way you smiled at me
and put your arms around my waist
the way you held my face between your hands
as if I was the last thing you were ever going to touch
but I turned away, for just a moment
and you were gone
and then I remember that you’re never coming back
so I stay awake
because at least when I’m awake
the memories don’t feel as real
I can even push them out
maybe if I drown you in tequila
or smother you with vicodin
I can forget you one day
maybe I can get some sleep
one day

it’s torture
it feels like screaming at the top of your lungs
but you are in an isolation room
white walls, empty echoes
or like you’re gasping for air
but you are being dragged under water
suffocating darkness, deep abyss
i just want to be heard
i just want to be understood

Maybe one day someone will use their lips
To write messages of love on my body
Instead of having to take a razor myself
To carve the deep messages of self hatred

Maybe one day someone will be my canvas
To cover in my confusing feelings
Or maybe they will be absorbed

Love is abstract
It’s hard to know what it really is
Maybe it’s truly different to everyone

Love is art
But I am a struggling artist

She is fire
Her auburn locks bounce around like the flicker of a lighter
She burns
Her eyes ignite with the passion of a raging wildfire
She crackles
Her laugh echoes through the silence of the room
She is fire
Hot, spontaneous, bright
She ignites
Her allure draws strangers in like moths to a flame
She spreads
Her spirit keeping the world warm and kind
She is fire
But like a fire at the end of the night she burnt out
She smokes
Her embers fading away into the dark abyss
She suffocates
Watching everyone around her go up in smoke

As I lay on your chest
I listen to the thumping of your heart match the waves
Almost as if you were the bay
And I was the sailor
Falling in love with the way you move

I see the bridge illuminated by the moon
The reflection dancing among the waves
A symphony of nature before my eyes
I knew from that moment on I was falling

For the way the world faded away
For the way your laugh echoed through your chest
For the way your hand gently held my face
For you

Over and over again
Like the waves of the bay

I still think about you sometimes
I'll still glance at your house when I pass by your road
I'll still hope you're safe when I hear the lightning strike
I'll still answer the phone when you call at 4am and I'm drunk
Or maybe, sometimes, even when I'm not
You'll always be my first love
And I'll always hope you'll never forget me

My head pounds
The alcohol burns my throat
The world becomes a blur

I lay down on my bed
Staring up at the never-ending white abyss
I have visions of you

I hear your voice singing to me
I feel your arms wrapped around me
For a minute it feels like you're here

It's even worse when I fall asleep
My head fills with dreams of you
The ultimate tease to a heart in love

But then I wake up
A day starts anew
Life moves on

I no longer miss you at all
The illusion of your perfection dissolves
Because I only love you when it's 3am

When the ***** hits
And the moon comes out
And I feel lonely

always being there for someone
who will never be there for you

giving them everything you have
when they can't spare anything at all

realizing everyone takes you for granted
when everyone meant the world to you

you
were
the
best
mistake
i
ever
made

but
you
were
still
a
mistake

The thought of you crossed my mind again today
For the first time, it didn't bring a smile
It brought chaos to my head
Sending my emotions into overdrive
What if I actually love you?
I'm not afraid of love
Just scared you don't feel the same
Isn't that the most terrifying possibility of all?
To love but never be loved in return
Like watching someone else's back
Before a dagger goes straight through yours

When I look at you
I feel like I can see the entire galaxy
Every planet, star, moon
Lives and breathes inside of you

The way your eyes light up when you smile
Is prettier than a sky full of stars
For you are as beautiful and mysterious
As the universe with a heartbeat

Life's just fine
Living in the background
Watching people pass
In the halls, in the streets
Nobody bothers to give you a second glance

You're always right there
To celebrate every moment
Listen to every story
You are the number one supporter for each friend
But not a single one will ask you how you are

They assume you're fine, at least you hope
Maybe they don't actually care at all
But as long as you're there for them
I guess it doesn't really matter

You don't matter, not really
Not when you're never the first choice
You've got a lot to give
But nobody wants what you've got

Not when you live in the background

I have regrets
Like the fact that I was the last person
To speak to you before your life ended
Maybe I could have stopped you
Maybe you would have lived to see the sunset one more time
But I was asleep
So now I watch the sunset every night for the chance to see your eyes
And I stay up all night waiting for the opportunity
To look for your smile once more in the sunrise

I regret never telling you how important you were to me
How much you made me smile
Or how often your jokes made me laugh over and over again
So now whenever I can
I tell my friends how much they mean to me
How their presence brings a smile to my face
How their jokes always brighten my day
Because I know now that you never know
When that one moment could be the last

I regret not loving you enough
We promised to fix each other
To put our two halves together to make one whole
But now you're gone
I will always be missing my other half
Because I could never make you happy
I would never be enough
Perhaps I never will be

Living with regret makes every day painful
The what ifs, the could have beens
But without these regrets
I would make the same mistakes over and over
I have confidence I'm living every day to the fullest
I'm living every day for you
So that next time
I won't have regrets