It's all fun until you can't
sleep.
And you have to watch your back before you
speak.
The lying gets old...
And adrenaline cold.
Like ice in your veins.
It's all fun and games
Until you've gone insane.

**** that whole "nobody is perfect"
We're all perfect to somebody.
We just might never know to whom........

Why do you say your sweet little words?
Do you do it to make me smile?
Of course not.
You think it's the right thing to do.
And when I roll my eyes, I look like the *******.
Don't paint me these pretty pictures just to make yourself look
better.
Don't say these things because they're the right thing to say.
Show me who you really are.

I send you this apology because
I see no point.
We both think we're in the right..
And I just
see no point.
So I'll be the first to say I'm sorry.
Winning this fight isn't worth losing you.

Why is it...
That all my nightmares are about you?
Age means nothing when I have to be the adult.
Why is it..
That I can't ask for help? ..Because it might worry you?
Mom, can't you ever have enough?
Is money the only thing that gets through to you?
I've said it in a drunken slur, I say it when I'm sober;
"I pity you."

Was this what you meant when you said
that you wanted me to feel something?
Because now i’m sitting on the bathroom floor and my
hands are shaking while hot water pours from my eyes.

What did you mean when you said
that you had nobody?
   Because as you said that, I was standing next to you
in the same hole,
the only difference was
that I was covered in cuts and bruises
while you were suffering from
your very first cut.
A nick from your own razor.

While i watched you bawl on the ground,
i felt grateful in some kind of way.
Grateful for the fact that life never
gave me a chance to be so
naive and unguarded,
the blades become a sort of release to remind you that you can still feel.

Who did you want then?
When I stayed.. and you refused my help?
And why did you hate me when I left?

I stole the moon from the sky
And I hid it in my room
Hoped that you'd stop by ...
said you'd be here soon.
So I waited all morning
Paced all afternoon.
Cried all night,
And talked to the moon.
He told me that you loved me,
That you'd be here soon.
You showed up in the morning.
And put the stars around my finger.
No longer did I wonder
No longer did I cry.
I know now,
You're forever mine.

Catching you was one thing ...
Keeping you was a whole different story.
Time after time again, you left me..
You left me with numb and swollen lips..
Bruised thighs and hips...
You came back every time though, so I smiled
But you left trembling hands and trailed hickeys
You left traces of you on my body
Every time you left, you left proof that it wasn't a dream.
You left traces until they faded..
And one day you faded...
You left.

Little boy your head is too big for your body
Your eyes too big for your stomach
you bite off more than you can chew
Little boy your head is In the clouds
....but one day you're bound to come down.
And when you wake up, your feet will be firmly on the ground.
And let me tell you, it really does hurt.

How is it that you're legally blind..
Yet you see the most?
Is that why you can never sleep?
Words that claw at you like ghosts?
Cold metal against your lips
Muted against sleep paralysis
And rusted chains telling you to listen
how is it that your heart is banged and bruised
yet  bitterness never seeps through?

Being loved is a weight that bends my bones.
And it's only a matter of time until I'm broken.
To be loved means worry
And I can't have you worrying about me.
Until my bones heal, I cannot reciprocate your love.

In the isolation of your car gliding on the freeway
and a dark sky,
I sat shotgun wearing the least clothing possible
and got goose bumps from
cool leather against my skin.
But nothing scraped my bones as much as your kiss on my lips.
Exhilaration pumped through our veins.
We drove to Mexico
to be caught in a Rain storm
We spent stacks of cash  
And kept each other warm.

I want to ask you why you hate me
When I loved you so.
I want you to remember the day we
decided to let go
Maybe you'll remember the way we
Cried all the way home.

"Baby the moon is huge tonight
it reminds me of your eyes."*

But I was looking for shooting stars.

I don't miss you
I repeat over and over to myself as my hands are trembling behind my wet blurry eyes
He was boring
I tell them as I iron my face to show indifference
I pop these pills hoping I can at least dream you here
I don't rely on you
I don't know when you're coming back
I don't think you're ever coming back.
I ask myself why I stay wrapped around you suffocating you blue untl you see stars and my eyes become the moon
I don't.........
       I don't know.

You live to tell stories;
so that you can tell somebody important
so that they'll put you on a pedestal
to listen closely for words of amazement and admiration.
You live for the satisfaction of other people
base your value on their comments.
they determine your price tag
Tell me
what will you do when they no longer care?
Where will you go to be admired?
When the world is done with you
and on to the next and
all you have is the past
memories that only played fillers...
that meant nothing but
a trophy to you
they lose their worth,
wrinkles and scars mark your skin and your heartbeat slows
Did you live for you?
or the judgment of someone else?

After junior high,
I met this guy
Who only seen stars and dollar signs
He kept his clothes clean, his shoes white
and everyday invited me to get high
Some days I envied his independence
Though I came to find he was friendless
And his smokey afternoons were spent alone in
his room at home
exhaled out of windows.
Some days he told me things that others would often doubt
But when I agreed, he'd shut me out
I didn't mind it much.
He didn't know how to love.
That subject foreign to speak of
a silent agreement between us.
The dollar signs and stars crowd his heart
I don't blame him at all.
We are the same with our roaming souls and cloudy brains
not from the smoke but from becoming insane.
Insane in the most unique way

Your eyes were an abyss,
a black hole that I could never understand.
But at that last minute, the last time you told me  "goodbye"
I had fallen and lost myself in that abyss.
Inside comatose and insomnia I wish for you.
In a sweet fever I call your name.. to get silence in return.
I wander through life with a numbness only awakened with hints of you.
In strangers I see parts of you,
a voice
a walk
certain features.
I find comfort in those strangers.
But they're never you.
And I remain in this abyss.