its funny how just a month ago,
home to me was found in your arms.
home was your sweet smile when you looked at me,
and now where are we?

as distant as the earth is from the sun.
nowhere to be seen.

Your diligence scared me off at first
So focused and intense
No time for anyone else.

But then I met the softer you
The you who listens
Who observers
Who lights up the room

That's the you I liked

Despite what others said about you
I gave you a shot

Maybe I expected too much
But is it too much to ask for someone to feel the same?

They say you're closed off
You can't make friends
You hide behind your work

Though it's all true
I see more to you

I see a driven man
Prepared for the future
Hurt by the past
Weary of new faces
Scared of them leaving you behind,
Alone and broken.
Like before.

I stuck around and tried to get to know you
I endured the awkward silences
The moods you'd get in
And at a certain point
I gave up.

Looking into those blue eyes still makes me smile
I laugh at everything you say, even if it's truly not funny
My heart still flutters when your hand draws near to mine

But I know this isn't right.
Maybe someday, but not today.

You need to grow.
You need to move out.
Find your calling
Try something new

I need to learn to love properly
And grow in myself
And I'm leaving soon.

So here we are.
I see you twice a week, if not more, and try to be your friend.
Sometimes it's easy
But when you talk to a new girl,
My eyes can't help but wander over to you two.

I know it'll just take time
But that's something I'm not good at
Waiting
Wanting
Watching
But here I am.

in these times when the pain of my own heart
and the world around me feels overwhelming,
when the future feels unsure and daunting to step into,
when my plans keep changing and the world somehow
keeps spinning into madness,
Father I know you have a plan,
and that your plans are good.
That if I'm alive on this earth,
your plans for me are not complete yet,
but God sometimes I wish they were.
Sometimes I wish with my whole heart that I could
just be held in your arms already.
To be surrounded by complete peace and forego the striking pains of life.
Father, sometimes I wish You'd take me away from this place.
Either by cancer, an accident, or otherwise, sometimes I pray nothing else other than to not exist anymore.

oh im drowning
far below
you don't see it
but i know
its there

shallow water
never seemed so
deep
carry me under
keep me captive

no one knows
im gone
and thats
the torture of it all

move with the current
or you're
forever lost
can't go that way
don't you know

oh we're all drowning
far below
we don't see it
but we know

we're forever lost
in the current.
it reels you in
and never let's go.

"can you feel it?" i said,
looking into the dark.
"what?" they ask with no idea.
"time, it's stealing us away".

Lord, watch over my heart.
Right my mind, if it wonders.

Lord, I pray this man is of You if he is for me.
God, keep my heart pure and righteous as I get to know his heart.
Father, help me be watchful of his actions and fair and just, not letting my heart be swept away by fleeting things.
Lord, I pray this is something true and different and pure and good.
God, I pray you keep us in your hands and keep us safe.
Father, keep us pure and holy, blameless before your eyes.

Lord, I know he loves you.
It's evident in everything he does.
He loves all these kids so well.
He is hard working and always willing to serve.
He is loyal to those he loves.
He trusts in you, Father.
He is bold and confident in you.
He's not afraid to lead and to speak his mind.
He is a thinker, and he carries a deep heart.
But somehow he keeps the room light-hearted, always, with his humor.

God, make it evident to us both if this is a gift from you.
Father, lead us to make good decisions and to be wise.
Lord, keep us safe and pure and honest.
God, we trust in You to lead us in Your marvelous ways.

i can't promise forever,
but i can promise for now.

for now,
there's no one who compares to you.

dear,
you don't have to worry.
it's only you on my mind.

you're the one i want to hold,
the one i want to spend my time with.

i'll wait for you,
i can't promise that for years,
but i'll wait for now.

for now,
you got me,
but above all else,
you got God on your side.

you took my soul
and made it dance
you took my words
put 'em in a trance.
this love is on fire
just give it a chance.

i know i'm only 18,
yet my heart longs for a family.
i'd love to be in a relationship,
but most of all,
I want kids running around the house.
driving me crazy with the same songs,
giving me hugs while they cry over a scraped knee.
how could anyone take a precious life like that away?
i try to have compassion and show understanding for those women, but how could you do that?
that's all i want in the world,
a little hand holding mine,
how could you not want that too?

honestly,
what's the point of honesty
if no one listens?

With tears in my eyes
I walked into the darkness
wanting so bad to run back to you.
To share one more laugh.
To hold you once more.
But I walked away,
knowing it was time to leave.
One more word would make more tears fall.
One more hug would make the ache in my heart deeper.
Thus, onward I went.

right now,
i could be singing my soul out into the wind
and one little drop of rain
could shut my mouth and reduce me to ashes

right now,
my life is so very fragile.
it takes so much to make me happy,
and so little to tear me down completely.

worn out faces,
empty spaces,
and
burned out places.

nowhere to turn,
so much to learn,
and
only money to earn.

sometimes i wonder if im even meant to be in a relationship
im a sensitive and empathetic soul
i hurt easily
i overthink easily
i love easily
i'll love til i'm all out
where's the line?

i thought i'd met kindness in a man's eyes before,
and then i met you.

without being asked,
you pick up my shoes,
you're ready to help,
and to love on others.

i thought i'd met humility before,
and then i met you.

you don't even know how kind, funny,
and special you are.

i barely know you,
and i'm already amazed by
you.

i took a chance,
and look where i am.

each moment, slowly
gravitating closer
and closer.

friends
or more,
i don't regret it.

I look out the window
and see a storm coming.
The trees swaying
and the sky darkening.
Much like I feel inside.
This storm I had hid away
is coming back to my chest.
It's rattling my bones,
shaking me to the core.
I thought I had gotten rid of this pain,
but it's still there.

its easy to fake it when you have no time
its easy to act okay when you're so focused on the people around you
i've become so good at pretending, it seems i've even fooled myself.

dear, you have made me believe in love.
i thought i always had, but i believed in a conditional love that could never last.
you make me feel like this can last a lifetime, and i want it to.
its so early, but i love you.
and when you look at me like that
and when you laugh at me when i say something stupid,
i know you do too.
i couldn't have asked for a greater love than this one,
and i'm so grateful for that and for you, my dear.

nobody told me how it'd be in the aftermath
how i'd miss you most as my friend
how my heart would ache for that connection
how i'd seek that out again and feel like i'm cheating

nobody told me how long it'd take you to get over me
and how i'd be ready sooner for a friendship than you

how i'd feel like a wreck one day and perfectly fine the next
the aftermath is a mass of emotions,
piled one by one on top of one another

but truth is,
i just miss you for you.

i know in my heart that this is good,
that you are right,
but doubt fills me up like never before.
what if its all for nothing?
what if you change your mind?
what if this is dumb?
i like you
you're one of my best friends
but what if?

i know our love wasn't perfect by any means
but i can't help looking at you now
now that its all over
and a sense of loss creeps over me

i can't help but thinking of what could have been
and all those adventures that are now just reduced to memories
of once a very good thing

sometimes i doubt
i doubt who i am
is who i am perceived to be who i really am?
i doubt the people around me
i wonder if i made the right decisions
i doubt god's goodness to me

stuck between wanting to show you my whole heart
while hugging you in your black-wornout-denim jacket oh so tight
and
holding my heart tight to my chest and talking about the weather.

i want to be close to you again, but i know we can't go back.
i don't want to break my heart again.

Long-standing traditions, nowhere to be seen
Parents separated by an ocean,
I'm grateful for the family and friends I do have,
but this Christmas just doesn't feel right.

Where are the Christmas markets?
Where is that joy I've felt every other year?
Where is that sense of wonder and hope?
Where is the laughter and freezing of fingers?
Where are all the things I remember that always made up my Christmases?

I seek to always be grateful for what I have,
but the truth is,
this is hard.
and maybe that's okay to admit

all the tears have flooded out of my eyes,
no salty water is left in those scarlet and white spaces.
like a drought carrying on for months on end,
i'm left tearless because of you.

i feel nothing but emptiness inside,
all my feelings have been spent today.

saying goodbye to something so good,
you,
has left me breathless and vacant of any feeling.

doubt creeps in when i realize how few people have stuck by me.

i don't have those childhood friends that i can rely on for anything
i have amazing people who have walked into my life, but how well do i really know them?
what if they just leave me?

ive entrusted you with so much of my heart
i felt safe with you by my side no matter where we were

i said those three little words,
and now everything has changed.

i see the way your eyes light up
and how you reach to hold me tight
darling you can't tell me you don't love me.

yet you said you were sorry,
you couldn't say them back.

how lucky am i?
i wake up every day and still can't believe it.
you're mine.

my past and my doubts still tell me you'll run away,
but i trust you,
and i know it's not true.

you make me feel safe,
treasured,
cared for.

you make me smile like no other,
you're my best friend first,
and my lovely boyfriend second.

the distance isn't fun,
i want you right by my side,
but i know it'll only make us stronger.

you remind me of who God tells me I am.
i love the dork you are,
your silly jokes make me laugh
though we both know they're stupid.

and guess what?
i get to call you all mine.

give it a name,
makes it all too real.
is it true?
is that really what it was?
i was too young and didn't know different
is that what happened to me?
whats the difference if I accept this name into my life or dismiss it?

although we ended because of so much more,
i always think of the what ifs...

what if you had fought for me?
what if you had tried a little harder?
what if you had opened up a little more?
what if I had slowed down a little?
what if...

but at the end of the day, the results are the same.

as much as i want someone's hand to hold again
i'm scared
scared to open my heart again and share all my secrets once more

i crave deep conversations, yet right now,
i can't seem to start them

i shared so much with you,
more than anyone else
and now, just like that,
you're like a stranger to me

dear,
the world was against us this time,
but maybe the love we've lost
will return to us in due time.

a love so pure and so good,
full of compassion and laughter,
is now found only in memories.

whatever happens,
know you'll always be in my heart.

what we had wasn't bad by any means
but I think relationships are meant to be more than that

we have immense love and care for each other
and we'd both do anything for one another

but where's the fire?
the passion?
the fight?

what we have is a best friend-ship,
not a relationship