you made your choice

i can't. i can't do this anymore. i deserve so much more than this, more than you. you are selfish, and you are using me and i hate that it took me this long to see it. i am sick of feeling empty when i am with you, and desolate when i am without you. you are not the one who will complete me. my love for you is unreal, i would do anything for you, and i cannot live like that anymore. i am tired of compromising my happiness for you, of changing who i am to fit you. loving you is like being caught in the ocean's undertow, getting pulled farther and farther out. i am lost in you. when you first touched me, i bloomed like a flower in the spring, but now every time you touch me i wilt, a part of me dies. so don't. don't do that. don't tell me that you love me, don't tell me that i am perfect, don't whisper your hurried compliments in my ear. i need you out of my head, out of my dreams, out of my heart. watching you destroy yourself is destroying me too and i can't allow you to drag me down into the pit of your despair. your mistakes are not mine, not anymore. so tell me that you hate me. tell me that you never loved me, that i meant nothing to you. break my heart over and over. set me free.

you're only hurting yourself,
putting in all this effort,
for people who don't give a **** about you

you would comb the earth
a thousand times over
searching for a pin
if they asked.

they wouldn't even bend over
to pick up a pencil for you,
let alone risk cutting themselves
trying to mend your shattered glass heart.

i regret compromising myself for you

a tab, a hit, a smoke,
lets roll, lets drink, lets ****.

my pupils shrink, and then dilate
another line confirms my fate

such pure, unprecedented ecstasy
takes all my pain away from me

a tab, a hit, a pill,
a smoke, a dab, a thrill.

no judgement, fear, regret,
as we make another bet,

i can take another dab
if you can take another tab.

too much, its done, too late
the addict has found her mate.

you appear in my dreams
raw, uncut, emotional
everything as it should be.

but the sun must rise eventually,
bringing with it, the end of fantasy
abrupt, sudden, final.

i know it will come again tonight
another heartbreak in the morning
every night, always,
*you

i saw you in my sleep
and i kissed you like i couldn't breathe
but you were never mine to keep
our love just wasn't meant to be

i showered 4 times on the day you left
scrubbing and scrubbing trying to get you off my skin.
i turned the heat up all the way,
and let the burn take my mind off of you.
i threw out all your t-shirts and hoodies,
and hoped if i erased any trace of you from my sight,
it would erase you from my heart too.
i repeat "you dont love him anymore" in my head
until it becomes monotonous and numbing.
i convinced my heart it was okay to beat without you,
and my lungs that it was okay to expand
into the voids you left in my chest.


i saw you the other day, at some ****** punk concert,
and for a second, i felt a pang of nostalgia.
but like a lightning strike it was gone.
you asked my friends why i don't text you anymore
and they told you the truth:
i don't love you anymore.

you are the sun, the moon, every single star.
you are the silent breath that dances with the trees.
you are the snowflakes in the winter,
and the flowers blooming in the summer.
you are both the devil and god
and i could not possibly think
of a more beautiful combination,
because you are catatonic.
you have the potential to explode
and destroy everyone in your path
but instead you internalize your combustion
so the only one who gets hurt is you.
you are the only one i would both live and die for,
but i wish you would learn to live for yourself.

it was 3 am when i felt the felt the bed creak
and i heard your feet hit the floor
and i knew that you were leaving,
and i felt you lean over me,
so i closed my eyes and pretended i was sleeping
and you kissed my forehead and whispered
"im sorry for everything"
and i didn't know what you meant
until i woke up the next day
and every trace of you was gone,
like you were never even there.
i felt a searing pain in my chest,
and i didn't know it then,
but that was the feeling of my heart
being torn to shreds.
i never heard from you again,
and now your memory just trails me
like the ghost of what could never be.

and all the pain you felt when it was over
made you realize that
god was dead, and
hell was real,
so why bother anymore?
you taught yourself
how to feel nothing at all,
and thats when you discovered
that it was easier to exist
when reality was altered,
and your hands didnt shake so much
when you were holding onto a lighter
for dear life.
and jesus christ you wanted
to light yourself on fire,
just to feel something
other than this sadness,
but you're a coward,
so you settled for your
fifth cigarette in 3 hours

as i hit the floor i heard you scream "WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU" and thats when i knew you didnt love me anymore. it wasnt when you punched me in the face or when you left me in the hospital after you cracked two of my ribs, or even when you left for two weeks and came back smelling like ****** perfume and ****. it was when you pushed me away in bitter disgust and left me lying in a pool of blood and tears. you were ****** up but i'll probably wake up missing you and if that isnt ****** up i dont know what is