these words 7.7.25 (8:05 pm / 20:05)
these words are all i could get out today
i really thought i had more to say

for you 7.7.25 (8:02 pm / 20:02)
i don't want to stay here

though i could
right?












but if you said

"for me?"


















of course i would.

icarus ii 7.1.25 (5:41 pm / 17:41)
i would like to burn
i would like the sun to strip me down to the bones
and find and newer better person underneath
i would like to scream and cry until my tears dry and i lose my voice
surely by then i’ll be stronger

i would, too,
like to mount my metal wings and fly
oh, fly
so close to our savior star
until i die
smiling

then maybe i’ll be resurrected
and everything will be fine then
because i will be someone new

and this me
weak fragile not enough me
will be gone
nothing but ashes

i’ll be happy

7.6.25 (7:05 pm / 19:05)
in the most honest of ways
you deserve so much ******* better
than me

7.6.25 (10:42 am / 10:42)
ariane.
all those lunches throughout the school year,
do you remember?
not just the two of us,
but somehow that still.

like the day of the dance-
i let you borrow my floral vintage dress,
and we all tried it on at our lunch table.

when i think of you,
i think of the way you twirled
and how the skirts flew in the air
and oh
how you laughed

at the dance we all posed for photos
looking at the camera
our mouths lip-gossed and pouting.
but my eyes always strayed back to you
and in one polaroid,
i’m smiling.

this is what i’ve been trying to tell you.

** m

i would hug you 6.29.25 (8:00 pm / 20:00)
i would hug you, if you'd let me
i would hold you until neither of us could breathe and
i would tell you that you deserve so much better
than what you have
and anything i could give you

i would tell you i could never love you enough
you amazing loving person
i still don't understand
how someone who feels so unloved (you're not)
can love a world back with their whole heart

i would hug you, if i could
whisper to you all the truths you deserve

you're not alone
you're beautiful in every way
you're so kind compassionate caring in ways no one else could
ever be

believe me, please
when i tell you i get it
i promise

does our distance make you sad? 6.29.25 (6:45 pm / 18:45)
does our distance make you sad
or are you just forgetting

do you remember those days we had
sitting next to each other
small and smiling
carefree

do you remember meeting me
kindergarten classroom
i kind of don't
it seems so long ago
but i remember we were instant friends

do you remember every day
when i came into the classroom, always later than you
we'd run up and hug each other

do you remember how we loved each other

you act like you've forgotten
you act like we were never friends

love i know we were broken apart
but is that a reason to forget me?

i remember you
oh, you

[playing: somewhere over the rainbow - live from manchester by ariana grande]

untitled 6.29.25 (6:34 pm / 18:34)
i'll listen when you talk
when you laugh
scream
cry

i want to listen to your words i want to hear you
i don't want you to be forgotten
i can't even bear the idea

when you're sad i want to hold you
tell you it'll be okay
tell you you can trust me

tell you i'd never leave

you are just so beautiful
the kind where i keep stealing glances at you
when i think you won't notice
because of course i don't have a chance

i can't imagine how i lived twelve years without you
maybe i didn't

i could go on and on and on
sweetheart
i wanted to say i love you

deleting poems 6.29.25 (6:32 pm / 18:32)
there were happy poems i wrote
apparently three thousand happy words
that i deleted

i couldn't look at them anymore

icarus 6.29.25 (4:00 pm / 16:00)
i, too
want to fly so close to the sun
that i become ashes
and when i am dead
then i will smile and laugh

and i will be happy

as i drift
as dust
into s p a c e

it's true 6.29.25 (10:10 am / 10:10)
its true very true
you never miss someone as much as you do
when they are
gone

favoritism 6.28.25 (7:05 pm / 19:05)
you love him more
just admit it

i'm always the problem
someone you fight about when you think i'm asleep
someone you are sweet to when people are watching
but you scream at behind doors
someone you are always angry at never smiling
you leave when i come in a room

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i wish you would just tell me how to be better
how to be the daughter you wanted
i wish you would tell me how to fix this
instead of shouting all i did wrong
don't you see i've already told myself?

i just wish you would just admit it
instead of pretending

i don't know 6.28.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i don't know how else to do this
i don't know any other ways to bear it
i don't know how to feel better

i only needed pain i could understand
i only wanted to know why i was hurting
please
it's not my fault

is it?

second chances 6.27.25 (3:24 pm / 15:24)
i know i deserve this
i know i did this to myself

but is a second ******* chance so much to ask for

your footprints are still there 6.25.25 (12:41 pm / 12:41)
your footprints are still there
pressed into the beach
unmarred unmarked unblemished by the tide

you seem endless

i guess there are still happy things
drawing stars in damp sand
saying
i was here

i was here, you were here
i said we share this place now

your footprints are still there
but mine
too close to the water
too close to the relentless currents
they were washed away

the sand says i was never here

[playing: rises the moon by liana flores]

ruined things 6.27.25 (1:15 pm / 13:15)
i hope there are still beautiful things
in this ruined world

but how can i tell you
never give up
when i am giving up
giving out
just another ruined thing

[playing: we never dated by sombr and lemon boy by cavetown]

really sad 6.27.25 (1:07 pm / 13:07)
i'm sad
really sad

once i said that to my kindergarten teacher
she just said
oh honey it'll be okay
i believed her, but look at me now

i'm sad because i feel like i've lost so many people
every time i'm hopeful it'll be different
every time they leave it's all my fault
my fault my fault my fault

i'm sad because being sad consumes me
makes it my whole self
like sometimes i think i'm not just depressed
but actually depressive
as in i make everyone around me sad too

is there another word for sad?
please
i need it

[playing: its ok i'm ok by tate mcrae]

alive for you 6.26.25 (9:13 pm / 21:13)
i like to think i stay alive for you
i like to believe i breathe for you
i like to imagine my heart beats for you

i might be wrong
i'm probably crazy
it's a nice thought, anyways

[playing: the lakes - bonus track by taylor swift]

beautiful 6.24.25 (4:42 pm / 16:42)
sometimes the world is terrible
horrible and ugly and disgusting

sometimes
rarely
it's beautiful

[playing: sunshine by rainbow frog biscuits and heaven by clairo]

no one ever told me 6.24.25 (4:21 pm / 16:21)
why is it that no one ever prepares you
no one ever thinks you might come to a place like this
that you'll stray off the path and be drawn to the darkest corners of the forest

no one ever explains to you how sadness works
how it clings to you
and you can never shake it off
how it hides and then snaps its teeth bites you
when you dare to be happy

no one ever warns you about panic attacks
how you'll suddenly be dying dying dying
breath gone

no one ever tells you about the dark
how it consumes you
and becomes you
how you become empty
gone
alone

no one every tells you how to be okay
how to stop wanting oblivion death nothing
how to stop cutting
how to be happy

or it seems at least no one ever told me

[playing: second guessing by alina]

impossible 6.21.25 (2:07 pm / 14:07)
it feels so
impossible
to carry on

i know i wrote a poem called carry on
that day was a good day, may 7, 2025
that day was a day i might have been happy

it feels so impossible to go back there
that light and love are impossibly far away
everything good is impossible for me

i want someone to make impossible possible
i want someone to at least want to help me
please
is it so hard?
i've tried for you, would you try for me too?

maybe that's impossible too
just wishful thinking
there's no one here for me

i’ve tried so hard
it's impossible

i’m fine 6.21.25 (1:59 pm / 13:59)
mhm. yes.
i
i- i was okay
i’m okay yes
yes i’m fine i’ve always been fine

it's just that im standing in the middle of a maze right now
and everyone else seems to have their ball of yarn or whatever
and im just standing there alone no one will help me

yes im fine it’s just that i feel like im going to die
right now
i am going to die
maybe that would be okay maybe everyone would be better off
with me dead

dont be sorry for me, maybe it’s good no one will help me
find my way
i ******* deserve this

i want to be strong but i cant

untitled 3 6.21.25 (1:29 pm / 13:29)
i can’t handle this anymore
i’m so tired
so sad i’m just so sad it’s crushing me
i don’t feel it when i cut
my scars are the only proof i was ever bleeding

i can’t do this what did i do for this to happen to me

mood swings 6.21.25 (1:24 pm / 13:24)
something’s wrong with me, isn’t there
everyone says this is okay this is normal this is fine
doctors: this is just a side effect of the meds
friends: this happens to everyone
parents: it’ll be okay it’s okay

and me: this is fine i’m fine i can stay fine if i just keep this face of fineness
and blankness and stare into space

it’s not it’s not fine
i can’t do this anymore

i don’t believe in god but please someone help me
i was happy just a minute ago
please
let me go back

capitalization 6.20.25 (3:43 pm / 15:43)
i used to capitalize
i used to scream on the page
it seems like i used to be unafraid
and now i whisper
what happened to me?

[playing: no tears left to cry by ariana grande]

thank you 6.21.25 (8:42 pm / 20:42)
i think i made someone's day happier today

i don't think you have any idea how wonderful that is
the feeling that instead of ruining something like i always do
i made it better
you'll never know how happy that made me
to realize i could help someone else be happy too

she said i was a star
the kind that comes out from behind clouds
on a too-dark night

i have never been told anything more beautiful

all the stars are on your side, liana
thank you

when grief sits beside you 6.21.25 (7:21 pm / 19:21)
when grief sits beside you
she doesn’t speak.
she brushes your hair,
whispers meaningless things in your ear.

she pours you tea
in a cracked porcelain cup.
lets you choke.
you grow fond of her.
you call her by her name.

[playing: impossible by clairo]

too sad for words 6.21.25 (5:10 pm / 17:10)
i am just so sad sometimes
too sad for words

carry on 5.7.25 (3:39 pm)
sure, maybe everything is going wrong
it’s always been ****** up
i was just too busy to notice

but we’ve always got to carry on
carry on,
carry on, hold your baggage close
hold a suitcase full of memories
wear a backpack full of grief
they might hurt your shoulders for now
but these kinds of things make you stronger

carry on,
carry the ones you love with you
carry on, always carry on

maybe you’ve lied
and maybe you’ll lie again
but we can forget and carry on

maybe you’ve betrayed me
and maybe you will again
but i can forgive
and carry on

carry on
because what else can we do?

[playing: imperfect for you by ariana grande]

seasonal depression 6.20.25 (4:30 pm / 16:30)
summer makes me sad this year
i can’t remember if it’s always been this way
i feel empty without school even though that’s what made me like this

pointless without some kind of schedule and goal
it’s so peaceful now
but i’m alone with my thoughts
even this sadness is wrong
most people are more depressed in the winter
or so they say

i stopped drawing and my sketchbook is full of poems
in dying pen

summer makes me sad this year
the way i’ve changed so much i can’t even remember how i was
before

[playing: rocket ships by cavetown]

untitled 2 6.20.25 (3:46 pm / 15:46)
you said
i want to make her cry
PLEASE
i haven’t cried for real in so long

drowning 6.20.25 (3:39 / 15:39)
drowning drowning drowning
flailing failing failure to surface on an endless
sea
of sad dark and death it’s all in my head i think
i think yes i’m right for once
it’s all in my mind and nothing is real
except the dark

drowning drowning can’t breathe
i’m going to die
g a s p  of  a i r
it’s momentarily bright
and then i sink
back
under
the sea

i like you 6.17.25 (8:36 pm / 10:36)
i like you
not that kind of like, i just like you
i liked you when you said hi to me
i liked you when you smiled and it looked real
really real
i like you because you care and you remember and you seem to know everything

i liked you when you said
this gives me hope for our future
i liked you when you told me it would be alright

i liked you when you laid beside me on the woodchips
my head on your shoulder
and we stared at the sky

i like you
you know what it is to be sad
and you remember kindergarten
feeling alone
afraid to ask for friends

i like you
can we be friends?

[playing: rain by cavetown offline]

goodbyes 6.17.25 (8:32 pm / 10:32)
goodbyes are never really slammed doors
they’re slipping away
walking away
willingly even though you still can’t understand why

they’re looking back over your shoulder
knowing that is the last you’ll ever see of them

goodbyes for me are never crying
just standing there
staring ahead with dry eyes
wondering what just happened

maybe i’m saying goodbye wrong

[playing: marjorie by taylor swift]

happy 6.17.25 (7:35 pm / 19:35)
it’s so hard to learn to be the old me
a person who’d never seen the dark
and never touched the edges
and never been drowning

it’s so hard to learn to be better
so hard to forget the razor in the bathroom drawer
if you tested it
there’d be my blood

it’s so hard to stop
so hard to keep wearing long sleeves in the summer
so hard to ignore your strange glances
you’re right,
you were right when you said i’ve changed

it’s too hard to be happy

[playing: 2 hold u by clairo]

untitled (7:22 pm / 19:22)
i don’t want to live i want to die
what’s wrong with me
what did i do
it’s all my fault isn’t it

it’s so hard to go on
and for no reason
no reason other than myself

looking up overdosages of pain meds on incognito
or even antidepressants
but doctors, they’ve made sure i can’t do that

i want to die because then it’ll be peaceful
quiet
nothing
darkness
no one

it’s too late 6.17.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i can still hear your voice
still in my head
you said ‘god bless you’
you held out your hands

i’m sorry for all the things i did
i can’t imagine how it must be for you

i’m sorry i left you there
i’m sorry didn’t try to help
i’m sorry it’s far too late

i’m sorry for you and all those who carry your name
pain is universal,
i’m sorry i drew borders,
i’m sorry i didn’t know

i’m sorry i left you sitting in a wheelchair
in front of the stores
i’m sorry i left you for you to leave us

today my mother said she saw you
all the way downtown
hanging with the people doing drugs
i’m sorry

because you were one more person
really not to different from me
who could have been saved
if only
if only

we were a bit kinder

i guess it’s way too late

[playing (idk why): what dreams are made of - ballad version by paolo and isabella from the lizzie mcguire movie]

she’s still there 6.10.25 (11:03 pm / 23:03)
it’s all over now
the naive stupid little girl i was
i hated i wished for i killed
she’s dead now or at least
she’s supposed to be

but maybe she’s still alive i think
all those years didn’t work all those years of torture
trapped inside my mind rotting being neglected she didn’t die

i think that though i might wish her dead that i might only be
an empty hollow dead shell
she’s still there
her ragged fingernails still painted silver scratching at the bars of my cage
of a heart
holding the iron she’s begging to be free
she’s still there i can feel it i know it

i think that maybe she has been there the whole time healing
waiting for a moment of weakness waiting for me to crack
sitting there watching licking her wounds
i just didn’t see her

[playing: magic 8 ball by cavetown and frankie cosmos]

clair de lune 6.9.25 (7:13 pm / 19:13)
i never knew how lonely it could be
to sleep alone
i never knew how scared i would be
it’s pathetic, i know

but i’ve known you all your life
and you almost all of mine
i never knew how afraid i’d be without you

last night i held the moonlight in my hands
letting it drip through my fingers
and watching your empty bed

last night i read a ****** mystery
and then stayed up
you were not there, you were not sleeping with me
like my guardian angel

i never knew how much i could want you back
my moonlight

[playing: r.e.m. by ariana grande]

sadness 6.9.25 (7:04 pm / 19:04)
sitting   h e r e
in the dark
i can feel her presence
sadness is a strange all consuming friend.
she takes all of your time
she feeds off of your happiness

i know how this goes, this is how it is with me and friends
but
this is something else

she sits by your side while you cry in the unlit room
she brushes out your hair and whispers nonsense in your ears
until you stop breathing hard
and your heart stops beating fast

until you stop breathing
and your heart stops beating

sadness will not stop you when you drag razors across your arms
sadness will not care when you hold her, she will not hug you back
but at least she won’t be afraid
at least she’ll never leave

she holds out your hand
for you to take
and she crushes your fingers
pushing you back down to the ground

sadness is a fickle friend
but she’ll always make sure you’re never alone

playing: yours by conan gray

worth it 6.4.25 (7:22 pm / 19:22)
you’re a little hard to love often enough
you’re a little difficult to tell what’s up
but you’re completely worth it

you are worth every single tear shed
you are worth every angry text sent
you are worth every moment of silence
you are worth every second you breathe
and breathe and live

you’re a little strange sometimes
you’re a little embarassing, i’ll admit
but you’re forever worth it

only once 6.4.25 (7:15 pm / 19:15)
you know, i know
that only once the world has ended
that only once the rain drowns us all
that only once the seas have risen too far
that only once our graves are dug and
we are buried
that only once we have been dead for a million years

that’s when i’ll stop loving you

[playing: supernatural by ariana grande]

one thing and then the other 6.4.25 (8:00 pm) / 20:00)
sometimes i wonder-
well
so many things
a lot really

is betrayal just a metaphor?
for what, honestly, i’m falling apart
i can barely tell what i feel like anymore
sad? happy? one thing and then the other

i’m not in control anymore
i’m a control freak, yes
i can’t stand not knowing what happens next
i’m afraid

maybe i’m spiraling down
or maybe i’m standing on regular ground?
maybe i’m falling falling falling
or maybe you’re holding me up?

maybe everything is breaking shattering broken
or it could be all fine?

maybe i’m laughing maybe i’m smiling
maybe i’m crying maybe my tears are flooding
the floor and drowning me
maybe i’m happy.

i really don’t know

it is true 5.31.25 (10:03 pm / 22:03)
it is true i wished to die,
and perhaps so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all
prisoners?

it is true that my first thought
on a balcony was how far the fall
and not how beautiful the view
is this not lawful for all those trapped?

i am a bird in a cage
the key is sitting just outside

i am the swan with clipped wings
leda of sparta
no longer a girl
but still unable to fly away and escape

it is true,
it is true,
it is true

it is true i wished to fly,
and so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all birds?

[playing: softly by clairo]

pride month 6.1.25 (5:10 pm / 17:10)
you were right, i guess
even though you don’t know yet

you have always been right about me
you have always known me better than myself
i have always been better in your eyes

i know i should be prouder
i know i should know better

[playing: till forever falls apart by ashe and finneas]

help me 6.1.25 (5:07 pm / 17:07)
how bad can i possibly feel
how far down can i sink
before finally losing consciousness
how long until i drown in this well of sadness
i dug for myself?

how many times can one person
apologize for themself
how many times can one girl
feel so sorry about who she is?

i don’t even know when i went wrong,
god help me

maybe we’d be alright 6.1.25 (5:00 pm / 17:00)
oh but maybe,
maybe
maybe
maybe if i hadn’t changed it all
maybe if i’d made some other call
maybe if i hadn’t let you fall

maybe we’d be alright

you 6.1.25 (5:03 pm / 17:03)
i want to know you
the way the sun knows the moon
i want to lend you all my light
and hold you close and keep you forever
until you tire of me and want me to go

i’ll let you because i know that someday it’ll happen

i want to be wanted like this wanted
because you found me and lost me
and held me and let me go and saved me
over and over and over i’d choose you

over and over and over i’d want you