Artist
The only description of her
The way her eyelashes glitter
In the shining sunlight
The way her pale face
Is angled to imperfection
In a captivating way
Where you have to feel every curve
Every indent on her cheeks

The way her wrists are stained
With the color of her hair
A raw red
Exploding into the world
Exposing her
From all the rest

It's just a shame
That art is only admired
After it's lifespan is gone

every night, before I let my mind rest
     I slip off my clothes
     and indulge my raw, naked self
in a bath of memories.

I let the harsh water
     trickle over every inch of me,
     until it reaches my chest
and fills my heart with frost.

     I try to scrub the guilt
off my skin,
     I try to lather the regret
out of my hair,
     and to ignore the feeling of the memories
hovering over my femininity
    
until I can't take it
                                       anymore.

so I drain the water out of my tub
     and the memories out of my mind
     and i slip on my robes
     and try to stop thinking
for a while, as I sleep.

but tonight*, when I pool in the water
    and it trickles all over me
    my heart is not filled with frost
it is filled with rigged ice.

i am filthy,
     the guilt does not wash away
     the regret still clings to me.

and as I try to breathe
     I want to ignore the memories
     that flood my femininity
     but they make their way up
and into my body
and into my mind.

today, I can't ignore it
          it's all too much to bear
and I can't take it
                               anymore

so I slip into the water
     and it suddenly becomes warm
     and washes away my clouded thoughts

I am flooded with a new feeling
     of pooling red peace
     as I sink under
and try to *stop thinking, as I rest

and hope to never wake up
                                                  and have to think again.

I take my final guilty breath.

As the sun shines
On top of burnt heads
And warm, wrinkly smiles
Beam brightly

I can't help but wonder
That at this moment
The world is too perfect
Too perfect to go on like this

Sometimes
I feel as if I embody the universe
And that I have the strength of the big bang within me.
It seems tirelessly eternal
To be forever found within the depths of music and art,
Dancing in the feeling of living.

Sometimes
I feel as if the universe embodies me
And that its fragility is the same as that of my body.
It seems achingly temporary
To be forever lost in the shallows of yesterday, today and tomorrow,
Fading into the pool of time.

Some times
I wonder if I am temporary
Because I will disintegrate so easily and so soon.
It seems eerily lonesome,
To have my existence and experiences buried with me
Decaying with the forgotten dead.

Sometimes,
I wonder if I am eternal
Because my bones will become part of the earth.
It seems pleasantly wholesome
To have my being preserved within something greater,
Giving way to new life.

Other times
I fret to feel or wonder at all
From concern that I may crawl too far into the unanswerable.
It is covertly treacherous
To hover around the realm of realizing human importance,
Falling into a spiral of maddening uncertainty.

The sheets on my bed
Like long arms, envelop me
Strangling me to stay
Well, at least I feel something

Can I close my eyes
And hope that I wake up elsewhere
Where the rain shines on the other side of the Earth
Is there someone to help me somewhere?

Can I trust my nightmares
Will be better than reality
Or is this as good as it gets?

I think that's why I believe in God and in heaven
There must be some other land than distress.

speak up darling, you've got a beautiful voice.
speak of the worlds inside your head.
tell me about the poems you wrote when you were young,
tell me off all the nights you haven't slept.

you sit away quietly, with your head in the clouds.
you're much too far, can I pull you down?
your voice is my reality, it never fails to remind me
that there are mysteries in the world and I can't wait until yours find me.

You are you.
You care about the little things;
About money and status,
About love and power.
You care about right now.
And about nothing more
     But there is so much more to see.

Take a step back
Now you are human.
Your place in society is precious.
You, just as everyone else, are worth something .
You care about justice,
About the state of your world
And it hurts you
     But you know you suffer less than others.

Take another step back
You are a body.
Your presence is replaceable and unfelt.
Your days are spent seeking pleasure and pain.
You live only to feel alive
Knowing that you’ll soon be dust blowing in the wind
And it makes you feel temporary
     But you last longer than you know.

On your last step back
You are a soul.
You feel no pain nor pity- nothing at all
You live in sickly silent peace
As you float aimlessly through time.
You are a piece of the universe
Hoping that the clocks will stop some day
And you will be called to rest
     But your piece in this universe will never die.

You are so much more than your shell.
You are the past, the present and the future
Embodied in a distracted human being.
You are every fibre of the universe that has created you.
You are eternal yet temporary
And it’s confusingly simple
     But you won’t realize your worth unless you *step back.

Can you see
Beyond my eyes
And deep into my soul
Where the truth really lies?

Can you hear the voices
Whispering in my mind
Reminding me
That I'm running out of time?

Can you feel
My slow beating heart
Deprived of love
And falling apart?

Or do you just see
The face I put on
Of no emotion
Of no lively song?

I rather you look
Beyond the eyes
Beyond the lies
To the messed up being
I really am
Yet beside me
Is where you still stand.

She mapped him out before she met him.

When she saw him, she recognized
The grooves of his smiling face,
The rumbling sound of his voice,
His fresh scent when he embraced her.

When she saw him, she saw her map
Embodied in man that reflected the future
That she so longed to live,
But never thought she would.

He saw it in her, too.

They drifted towards the calm sea
With tomorrow stretching out before them
On a boat where their bodies collided
Like soft waves that engulfed one another.

Their bond sent ripples into the water,
Sizzled the skies with its urgency,
Guiding the boat closer to the shore
That seemed too looming.

She didn't want to reach it.

She had travelled the streets of her map
In search of finding something to fulfill her-
Something that wasn't there
Out on the calm, open sea.

They sailed to an island with greener grass,
But with no winds to uplift her spirit.
She had the map of him,
But the map of her lay in treacherous water.

She dived into the unknown.

Tell Them
My Sweetheart
That I never wanted a funeral
But it was only
For tradition

Tell Them
Not to cry
Not to mourn
But rather
Sit in a circle, knee to knee
And share stories of me with them
Bad ones
Good ones
All of them so that I am seen
Even after death
As an imperfect human being

Tell them
To wear black skirts and no makeup
And high spiked boots
With skull rings
And silver chains
So that they remember my dark side

Tell Them
Not to miss me
Not the slightest
And instead
Await the day
They can see me again
If they pray I make it to heaven

Tell Them
To tell me their stories once in a while
I like a good laugh
I like a short smile
But even if not
They can tell me their doubts
And I'll listen
Because I love voices that talk to me
And reveal a journey

And when They bury me
Will you all pray
That I end up safe
Many many miles away
Away from you all
But still in your hearts
I'll be sewn
As tightly as my
Pursed, frowned lips

Tell Them
Sweetheart
That I never
Left
(because I was always right)

You are always truly alone
No one can be there for you
Unless you are there for yourself

You are not the width of your waist
Nor the flaws on your face
Nor your hand that can't reach a shelf

You are not the sound
Of your helpless snores
Or the laugh you enjoyed letting out

You are not the anger
That takes over your eyes
Or the guilt in your heart after a shout

You are not the tears
You want to but have not cried
For fear of being weak

You are not the words
You whisper when you're alone
That make the world sound bleak

You are not a body
With a soul
But a soul that has been given a human shell

You are the life
You claim to live
You are your own living hell

You are your own nightmare
Your own problems
And your own savior from it all

You are a spirit
That can run forever and free
Yet you choose to burden the fall

Sometimes

I feel

The world and it's rough edges

I feel the pain it carries in its heart,

And I can tell you

That it is the best feeling ever

As I believe

That pain is an art.

The skin on my legs is exposed and bare as the cold cuts through my many layers.
How long has it been since I felt warmth?
Since a gentle heart defrosted my sore bones?
Since someone whispered to me that I'll live another night?

I cannot recall, so the answer is simple:
Too long.

The cold has this affect on me.
It makes my mind blurred, my memories and emotions congested.

The frost on my face has made it impossible for me to smile,
So my expression is tinted blue with a hint of lifelessness.

How do I feel?
Happy? Sad? Hopeful? Hopeless?
Or nothing at all?

I think I am numb,
But I don't know it.

I know nothing.
Well, almost nothing.

It is the Weather, I think.
All the Weather's fault that I suffer.
That I'm freezing, lifeless and alone.

My eyes droop
To the sound
Of the night caving in
And the lights dimming out

My vision clogs
With grogginess and
The mistakes I made today
And the ones I will make tomorrow

So I smile
Because the future isn't certain
And I like mysteries and all,
But one thing is for sure
That every night, before I am consumed by sleep
My eyelids will be imprinted
With your angelic face
Burned into them

And another thing
Although I will make more mistakes tomorrow
I still have you
And that can only mean
That I'll also do something right

And with that
My mind is filled
With fog and clouds and smells
Of days and nights
And a smile tattoos my tired face
Form the memory
Of you

I'm too young
To know
To care
To understand
To bare
The situation and its importance

I'm too short
To reach
High enough for the stars
To ever make it far
In life
Because I extract it into bleach

I'm too ugly
To understand
How hard people work
To keep themselves neat
With perfectly pressed shirts
And gorgeous pearl eyes
I'll never realize
Never stop the lies

I'm too stupid
To care
About people
And what they wear
What they say
What they do
How they think of me
What they prove

I'm too
Fat
Idiotic
A druggy;
Alcoholic
High on the world
And drunk on loneliness
An alien
That is their specimen

I'm not.

I'm older than you can imagine,
Reaching farther than what you see,
Beautiful, for I am God's creation,
I just think a little differently.

If you're afraid of the unknown
Or of "things" who differ
The world will move on without you
While I run ahead
Quicker
Than light can travel

(Is that "too" much for you?)

Dear You,

When I first saw you, I thought you were unremarkable. I didn't know, then, that I would end up this way with my insides torn to shreds over the love I wish to give you.

Perhaps you seemed unremarkable to me because your treasure lays inside of you, under the layers of humour and deceptive smiles. I saw a glimpse of your treasure when a brick fell from the towers you built to protect yourself. It was the night you told me what you willed no one else to know, a night where your defences were down.

I was entranced for a while, caught up in the thoughts of all you were hiding and who you could be if you stepped out of the tower. This was dangerous territory. In attempting to reach you, I nearly fell into the moat that protects your structure.

In my trance, I didn't realize you had not drawn me a bridge. I was not the one you wished to uncover your treasure. You crumpled my heart like a sheet of paper, threw it into the moat, but my mind was still shackled to you.

In my thinking, I realized that I cannot help you. I cannot tear down your walls if you disarm me. So I have decided to let my heart wander away in the water, break the ties I have to you, and keep the love I cannot give away.

I cannot care for you if you do not want me to. I cannot go against what you wish, and what you wish is for the touch of another to ease you into letting down your guard. You wish that someone finds you remarkable, but that someone must not be me.

I walk away from your treasure and hope that one day, you will lower your bridge and let someone pick away at your walls. If that person does not exist, if no one again finds you and your hidden treasure remarkable, then remember that my torn heart still floats in the water you almost let consume me.

If you would let me care for you, I could retrieve it. I could swim across the thrashing moat, speak to you through the hardened walls you've built. I could hope that this time, you would listen to my voice.

For now, I leave you.

Sincerely,

Me

I watch the tear leak down your cheek
Escaped from your red rimmed eyes
In my arms I feel you shaking
Trying to so hard to say good-bye

Darling, don't make it ******* yourself
Wasn't it easier to grab your bags and go?
There was no need to tell me you'd be gone
I'd settle for a simple 'I'll see you tomorrow'

I won't believe I've left your heart
Until the day you've completely left mine
Telling me you're leaving doesn't make me believe it
Until you're truly gone and we've run out of time

When you'd come to my window while the world was asleep and whisper into my ear, "You're beautiful,"  I believed you.

I don't think I was, though. I don't think I'll ever be.

I think your magic momentarily blinded me from seeing my own distorted reflection.

I'm ugly. I'm twisted. But that's okay. We all are.

We are all desire and desperation held together with illusive morals.

I know now that your whispers were that of lovely lies.

I was not beautiful and you knew it. I am not beautiful and you love it.

my head's a balloon
one blow away from bursting.
please don't hit me, babe.

I do not know
What I feel for her
But if it is something more
Than what I wish for it to be
May I forever remain
Dissatisfied

she is not afraid to love, she is afraid of being loved. she is afraid of him putting all his faith in her, just so she can break down, as she does so often, and shatter a bond not found in anyone else. she is afraid to see him cry and to tear the heart he so willingly exposes.

when he needs her, she is there. she uses that time to help him just as she does to help herself. as they speak, she tries to memorize the sound of his rumbling voice. her words are soft with him but never so soft as for him to fall into a slumber and never desire to wake up. she wants him to find a replaceable solace within her presence.

she loves him silently, cares for him without pay. she acts like she doesn't need his money when she aches for it, as we all do. eventually her heart will break from a lack of reciprocity. she knows this, yet she has set her path onto love-bound self-destruction. as long as he doesn't love her, she can keeping loving him. such is the life of the volatile.

When the pressure builds on your shoulders
And you’re on the verge of breaking
Let me be your first call
To stop your voice from shaking

When the nights are achingly short
And the days seem to drag on
Know that I’ll listen to all of your worries
Until the crack of dawn

When you find your life is hostile
And the world is harsh and cold
Remember that you are fragile when alone
But together we can be bold

When these days are long passed
And our memories become foggy and strained
I hope you’ll remember your friend in high school
That cared for you when it rained

When we grow old and tired
And our days are filled with regret
We’ll look back at these high school years
And friends we hope we won’t forget

I’ll be glad I had thanked you then
For shielding me from the eternal storm
And wish that we'll meet in sunlight soon
Where we are not our thorns

I’ve never been so alone since last October
When you thought six feet under  was better than being with me
It’s never been so hard trying to stay sober
But what is reality when you’re all I can see?

Darling, we had the world but you chose to get swallowed
And left me up here with the an unbearable curse
I’m followed by the remains of your lost shadow
It never lets me forget how much I can hurt

In the middle of every night, I feel your weight beside me
Drooping down the bed and creaking the wooden floors
But when I turn to look, the room is but empty
And I know your ghost is waiting by the door

Your memory is haunting and I have been restless
The feeling of your presence is still alive
And although I can’t see you, I know they exist
Your ghost will be the last thing I feel tonight