I guess you could call it poetic how by the age of 12 I had no recollection of what happiness tasted like on my tongue. Some would say it was tragically beautiful.
But it was not poetic, nor was it beautiful,  but it was tragic. It was so very, very sad, and that sadness is only doubled now that people see sorrow as glorious.  It is not glorious. It is not strength. It is a lump of iron in your chest and stomach and it eats you from the inside, out and you have no right to think that blood stained wrists are anything other than tragic. So very,  very tragic.

I am in constant torment
Preaching self-love and self-joy
and not needing someone to validate me
But I will throw myself under buses
into gutters and rain
for people who don't appreciate my stars
and give me dirt in return
I will let myself burn under fires
of 'yes's instead of 'no's
and repeating I love you
when I've never felt more alone

My heart beats, its steady
and rhythmic drum
But it does not beat
for me.

The hyenas cackled maniacally , gasping and choking and she lunges at them, jaws snapping, eyes glittering gold. Throats were torn and yet the laughing continued, wheezing and guttural, shakey with their final breathes. Life leaves them and she roars to her enemies; She was sunlight, she was stardust, she was the warrior queen.

The moon at midnight
Upon a silent sea
Casting Her glow, iridescent
The waves break in hushed tones
Upon sandy shores, glittering,
In the dark of night
Receding water leaves behind
Pale bodies, sleek and stunning
White and whiskered
Drinking in Her magnificence
They shed their skins
Walking arm in arm upon this earth
Creatures of both land and sea
Naked and gleaming bodies, thrive
Beneath the stars, unseen, unheard
Quiet and graceful as the lull of the ocean
Dancing, singing, siren voices
Until the first light of dawn breaks, then
Back into their silken selves
The tide rolls in, and out again
Taking with it
The moon's sweet daughters.

I know you and all your little antics, I know how you hesitate every time you go to say my name because the memories and guilt and feelings will roll off your tongue like the tide, and you are too crowded to let anyone else drown in the sweet sound of your voice. I know how you lie awake at night trying to piece together every shard from that mirror you broke when you were 9, and how nothing quite fits anymore, you have lost parts of your old self and your clumsy hands will break an imminent future because you know not what needs fixing and what just cannot be helped. I live in your every bated breath and am often reminded why it is such a wasteland, I know how your heart can turn colder than the cloud of air exhaled when you sigh and shake your head at the world around you. Do not think for one second I do not know you, because in the three years I have loved you we have shared secrets, stories, memories and love, yes, for a time, we shared love. But that is a time long since passed and now I reside in the marks on your skin where your father hit you, I inhale the smoke from your lungs caused by people blowing their blackened words down your throat and making you feel less like the crimson sunset you are and more like the rainy days. You are beautiful and I wish you could see that from my perspective, I wish you could see how your eyes reflect the colours of the ocean and I wish to be lost at sea, I wish you could know that I think your heart is a galaxy, not a black hole, so you need not worry about all my rusted parts chipping at you because your strong arms will bring these dead eyes back to life, like they have so often. I want you to know that you are perfect in my eyes, flawed, yes, but no less perfect. I want you to know I love you.

Once upon a time,
there was a girl who drank the moon
gurgled and guzzled until it filled her,
moonlight shimmering through her skin
and stardust lingering in her veins
she was waxing and waning
and the tides followed her small feet,
every month she shrunk into herself
before being born anew
glorious and whole and bright
bright enough to rival the sun
and how the sun loved her so,
his gaze warmed her back every day of her life
kissing her softly as she grew into the silver
that was her skin, her hair, her eyes
and how the night welcomed her
she could hear stars whispering
see adoration in every glimmer
the girl grew and grew, and the silver shone
and she longed for her sun, his warmth
and for the stars, her friends
every night she would shine
she could light up the world with that shine
white and silver and brilliant
she was love incarnate
and so
was loved in return

I never fell in love with you
Falling implies disillusion
As if i didnt know exactly
What i was in for
When i looked into your eyes
And found constellations
That i had searched for
My whole life

It implies a failed understanding
Like i had walked off a long pier
And suddenly found you there
In the water, holding me
Instead of rushing to the water
Knowing you would be there
To catch me when i dropped
And never drowned

I never fell in love with you
I grew love for you
A slow budding bloom
That became a vibrant blossom
Ever growing, ever changing
I swelled love for you
It rising and falling
Like an unsure tide
On a new-formed shore

I built love for you
A home of it
All bricks and mortar
In the sacred parts of myself
Where you are always welcome
To walk through the door
And never fall.

its a daily struggle
you don't wake up one day
and the pain is gone
you have to fight it away
every single time you breathe
and whilst doing that,
you also have to smile
because you can't let people know
just how helpless you are
you can't let people realize
that you're weak
because they'll use it against you
they always do
so you put on a brave face
and mock your own pain
in the hopes that it will throw them off
the scent of your bleeding body
and the truth is, in all honesty,
you need so much more help
that you let people understand.
you're taking painkillers
when your body doesn't hurt
which is ironic, because i suppose this means
you're sicker than you thought.

Death is everywhere
It surrounds us like a cloak
And engulfs humanity more often
Than the darkness envelopes the moon
You can see it in the trees
Bare branched and broken
You can see it in the news
Another tragedy hitting the screens
You can see it in your own eyes
As you scratch at half healed scars
I don't know why people fear death,
After all, it seems to be the only thing
That makes sense in this world
From the moment we are born
We begin to die
And if that isn't poetic,
How could life ever be?

Concept: I am a hermit crab leaving its shell for the first time. The ocean is vast and I am unafraid.

The cold bites
And the wind hisses
The rain spits
And the sun dies
The kids mock
And the teachers gossip
The depression hits
And the anxiety twitches
But nothing
Is as cruel
As you

You are the heavy rain,
I am the grassland
plagued with drought.
Love me, cover me,
help me heal myself.

I want to be swallowed up
By shooting star's blazing tails
And the universe's
Infinitely expanding space
Black holes and black planets
White dwarfs that supernova
I want to be caught in the debris
Of the chemical dust and gas
Floating on the light
Of a thousand dying suns
We become giants
And we become supergiants
I will exist in the empty space
As air and grit and starlight
I will become dark matter
I will let the dark matter

I feel little of anything
The stars are pinpricks to the sky
And the moon is so cold
She is a glacier in that darkness
I would be an iceberg too
But even now I cannot find
Any desire to be anything but empty
This hollow shell isn't cold
Nor does it burn with sorrow
It simply is. And you are too bright
You are too golden and warm
To let yourself be dulled by me
Go gently, please
Find stars and suns that will not
Reduce your night sky
To undending black

the wolves howling at my door are baying for my blood and i cannot drive them away. screams pierce the morning air like shrieking bullet aimed for me, my eyes grow tired from lack of sleep and my stomach churns from the mere thought of last night's meal slowly digesting into more fat for people to **** and poke at. 6 cups of coffee later and i am no less awake nor any happier, my mother is in the kitchen making soup for work tomorrow and my brother still sleeps, lucky as he is, not to be plagued with nightmares that scream at him to wake up. Sitting downstairs in my pyjamas on the computer talking to people who can at least make me smile for a brief few seconds. Daring to draw in my notebook pictures of monsters that lurk under beds and between my sheets, whispering the same things that my mirror hisses at me when i look too far into the flaws lurking there. I look out the glass door in my living room and see a shadowed beast snarling at me from the patio, baring its teeth in anticipation for when it can finally draw blood, crush bones, and swallow my pale flesh, rendering me lifeless and stained with a darkness that has left marks on every indent on my skin. I bare my teeth back trying to scare the monster away, but she and i are one and she sees through my facade, knowing i am not as brave as i pretend. The sound of my dog barking draws me out of my haze and i bury my face into his golden fur, hoping that his sunlight coat will be enough to chase away whatever has nestled itself into my veins and capillaries. We stay like that for a few minutes, with silent tears warm on my cheeks, until i compose myself, finish off my coffee, and return to gazing at this screen where i type my confession.
I can still hear the wolves.

I will create oceans and rivers
From the tears that flow from my eyes
And they will envelop the shores
Formed in the crest of my torso,
The valleys that lay in between my *******
Will protect wildlife from the raging winds
Of my breaths, and the shaking earth
Of my heartbeat
My thoughts will form stars and planets
And I will create my own galaxies
My fingertips will be the roots of trees that will stretch ever onwards
I will grow and I will grow
And I will destroy as I please
No laws hold me
For I am my own universe
Unbidden, unbound.

Legacy girl writes hollow poems
In the petal-pressed pages of her notebook
Breadcrumbs of who she is
And who she longs to be
There is an ocean between the two
Starlight dreamer gazes up at the moon
They weep together about all the many ways
The world can scar a person
The moon looks at her nightchild from a high heaven away
And sings of her craters and how she overcame every one
Forest nymph sits on the shoulders of her favourite tree
Tells him about her day and of the flowers she smells but does not pick
The leaves are whispering gossip to each other
Birds are bringing her shining things
And she tells the birds a story of Icarus
She says ‘you do not have to fear the sun’
She is the sun, and she would not harm them
Not them or a single growing thing under her warm gaze
Legacy girl jumps down from the tree
Crosses the hill and three fields to the ocean shore
There are whales waving from the horizon
And beyond that, in the sweeping red hue of the moment
The girls are close enough to touch

Her hand makes ripples of her reflection

my loneliness is larger than me
heavier, too
my loneliness the thick blanket
good for hiding under
my loneliness shields me from demons in the dark
but provides no warmth
my loneliness a cold fire I still sit beside
palms upturned, craving peace
my loneliness the war that rages unending
bodies left in a ****** wake
my loneliness the vultures swirling
I have never been very strong
my loneliness knows this, as she knows
all my other bitter secrets
my loneliness licks her smiling lips
opens her screaming maw
my loneliness is larger than me
deadlier, too

The thought
of her name
on your lips
and your hands
on her hips
sends goosebumps
to beneath my skin
I tremble
from a non-existent cold
my lungs stutter
and will give out
along with my heart
which will shatter
into a million pointed shards
that stab and cut me
when I think back to us
and my name
on your lips
your hands
on my hips
I suppose
I was not
enough.

Such fury in her old bones
Ancient anger, generations deep
Like the roots of trees
Sunken and embedded into earth
wild woman

Forest nymph
She who thrives on sunlight
And grows ever upwards
With the flowers of her home
wild woman

The Moon's child and silver sun
Ebbs and flows with the waves
Riding currents and rips in sea
Under the nightly tide
wild woman

We are the bones of the earth
We are the stem that reaches sky
We are the strongest currents
*We are wild women

I am cynical
I am lost
I tie anchors to my feet
and complain when I drown
I am clingy, corrupt
I need so many people
yet I push them away
when they get too close
I am broken
I am scarred
I build my walls
and I tear them down
I'm lonely, tired, sad
I am a mess.
Make sense of me?

do you really care or is this just another fabrication in a half dream that my mind has created to trick me into thinking there is something worth holding on to? Will you still be here in a month's time like you promised, or will you find an excuse to rid yourself of me and all my bruised parts? Are there stars in your eyes or are those the shimmering reflection of the sun in the water filling them? Will you hold me when i am frail or will you drop me when i weaken us both? You have been my best friend for quite some time now and my adoration for you runs deeper than these cuts and scars, the same ones you helped me overcome and prevent. It is also true that you have been the cause of some, on the nights where tension built and we sent hateful words to each other in a desperate attempt to rid ourselves of the hate and bitter hellfire in our hollow bodies. I do not yet know if this friendship will be my destruction or salvation, all that i can do is trust you as much as i can and hope that i have poured enough of myself into you, that you know the pain you would be causing if i am betrayed again. Maybe when i see you i should smile, but things are complicated and i cannot bring myself to even make my eyes look happy. I hope you understand this. I hope you know me and every atom of my self. I hope you like what you see.

I have been a dream
I have been a tempest
And a flood
And a raging fire
I have been the creeping dark
The terrible sun
I have been the ghost that knocks my plants over
I have been the spilled soil, too
The branch that taps against my window
I have been a car crash
And a mirror
And a stunted cry in the night
I have been a brilliant sunrise
A bloated ocean
The ghost of my father
I have been the cracked rib of my mother
The snakes’ yawning mouth
Eve herself
I have been a leaking tap
A righteous man
A little sin
The blade and the wound
I have been the wolf and the howl
A bulbous moon
I have been a dream.

My thoughts are too loud
It is like shouting into empty rooms
And hearing naught but echoes,
Constant and crushing
The heaviness of their hollow sound
Like lead weights that pulse
Until your mind is flooding
And you are drowning.
I am drowning in my thoughts,
These lead weights are anchors
I will sink beneath my silent words
For to speak them means inhaling
Letting their sorrow fill my lungs
They have already taken my mind
They'll not have my breath, too.

There is a quiet thunder to the way she walks, and a heavy rainfall when she leaves. She treads water trying to reach islands that will house her but cannot reach the shore before her hurricane mind carries her away to new homes, homes she finds in people, and often the wrong people. But she is strong and stands like the tallest oak, letting gale force winds bend her branches so that she may feel what is to live, but never has she broken. Her voice is the sound of birds in the spring with all the melodies and lullabies of the early morning, she has a light in her that is both the sun and the fireflies and it will illuminate your heart should you ever let her in. Sometimes she is wilted but even beautiful roses have thorns and she draws blood if you try to pick her petals. She is the earth and the wind and the sky and though her roots are strong she is not always smiling, but just like a flower she grows from the ground up and all will gather to awe at her beauty when she sees it within herself.

The mama's in the street used to tell their sons about me
that girl is a ghost, boy,
don't get too close
and they would scoff and laugh
and creep ever nearer despite.
He. Him. The only one that mattered
eyes both green and blue and hands soft and lovely
i urged him to stay away
from me and my hollow self
my wandering sprit
my shrieking soul
He. Him. My only one.
he was Tantalus to me
always reaching, me, always receding
determination? desperation?
one made him come closer than ever
and I, I could not save him fast enough
He. Him. My only one.
*he's gone
he's gone
he's gone

Lilted notes upon rising tides
Drums of crashing waters shore
Water rippling and ocean sighs
A crescendo of a tempests roar

The screech of gulls taking flight
Melodious wind in water caves
Marvel here at the ocean's might
With the orchestra of the waves

See here the figures, singing loud
Harmony salty, sweet, and strong
Ocean creatures awed and cowed
At the hurricane of the siren's song

She is far far away
In a place I cannot reach
My darling sister
Grown, and more beautiful
Than the turquoise seas
And the floral meadows.

On the other side of the world
Where times and seasons are different
Our conversations are choppy
Sometimes not speaking for weeks
Sometimes talking for hours

Blood of my blood
Keeper of secrets large and small
Most trusted friend
Dearest companion
Far away is she
Far from her little sister
Far, so far
From me.

I had my chance and I missed it.
Threw it away because of one friends ****** opinion
Don't get me wrong I was mad for a while,
You, with your body next to a girl that isn't me
Sleeping innocently, I don't think you could hurt me like she said you did.
You were my sunrise man, my sunset, and everything in between.
You were every shade of black and white
And I threw that away because I questioned my trust in you.
Why?? Why did I do that?
Because now you are next to a girl who isn't me
And you love her
And she loves you
And I miss you
But I'll never tell.
You be happy, I had you and I gave you up. That was my mistake, and your opportunity.
I'm sorry, I miss you, don't come back.

It's strange
And irrational
But I am so
terrified
Of falling in love
I think my family
Is cursed
I just found out
That my cousin's
Fiance, other half,
missing piece
Passed away
In a deep sleep
Into an even deeper one
And my mother
Lost her husband,
Love of her life,
her rock
To a reckless driver
On a road he didn't return from

I'm scared of falling in love
Not because of
The possible heartbreak
Or childish trivialities
But I'm so scared
That one day
Suddenly, out of the blue
In a blaze of cruelty
From whomever
Dictates our fate
They will just be
*gone

He is the foundations
On which I build my strength
He is the sunrise and sunset
Bringing a smile to my face,
Always,
He is the constant friend
The trusted one
My best friend, my anchor
My wings to keep my head
In the clouds where dreams lay
His kindness is more than I deserve
And more than I can ever repay
The beacon that guides me to light
When all I see is darkness
He is my sweetest friend,
The eye of my storm,
The strength of tranquillity,
He is all of this to me.
All of this and more

There is a certain absence that echoes when it rains
I can feel it, in the storm of my life
And I can feel your absence as much as the rains'
You, today, I knew you were looking for me
When the bus pulled up and our eyes met
And it was like this chasm between us
Was closing and reopening in turbulent uncertainty
And we smiled at each other but with such sorrow, too
We spoke and laughed and I could almost forget
How terribly imperfect things between us are
I forgive the you that I know no longer lingers
I ask you forgive yourself, achieve inner peace
If we could escape to other lives and exist together
recreating ourselves far from judging eyes, I would
I would ignore the scolding of my mother
And the wrath of my friends
They don't know you like I do, don't love you like I did
I don't know if I still love you, or if it is just twin souls
Connecting again in joyous reunion
But I was looking for you, too

There is more than just oxygen
In every breath I exhale
There is every syllable I never spoke
Every word that danced along my tongue
But always stayed behind my teeth
In a breath, there is sorrow and
Every drop of joy my lungs could fathom
Spinning and twirling
In the back of my throat
Itching to be spoken, released
But unwilling to go
I linger there in a half breath
Just a second too long
The words die and the silence floods
In my oxygen I exhale my truths
My promises and remarks
Ghosts of sentences never worded
And I return to a mere breath
Pain sparking in my eyes.
I have never spoken a word.

Do you ever get those days? When the only thought running through your mind is 'I want to go home'
But you are home. You are in your bed with lungs that don't feel like yours and a pulse that sounds more like a drum and you can't hear anything but your own intrusive thoughts and you want to go home. To a skin that doesn't feel like a strangers and to a heartbeat that doesn't sound like his or hers or theirs and you can't, you can't, you can't just simply 'Go Home.'