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All of the stars are falling to Earth
Each one a wish and a promise
My every 11:11 bounding towards me
Breakneck speed and leaking light
But I am not looking at them
The shower of phosphorescence above
Is nothing compared to the lucency of his eyes
Comet and city are coalescing around us
And I see only him
The stars,
The wishes,
It’s all only him
Just say the word
And I will give you an army
Of reasons
Why hating myself
Has always come so naturally

I hate that I don't have a gag reflex
Because I **** at calorie counting
And throwing up seems
So much the easier option

I feel like a stranger
In my own home
Because I live life believing
That I am the reason
One of our family members
Has gone from the world

I hate and fear that my father
Would not be proud
Of who I have become
And the thought scares me
More than any abysmal nightmare

I could go on
But I doubt
You would want to hear
What horrors unfold
In my mind
And all
My 6pm secrets
His arm was a dot-to-dot
of needle marks and scars
you join them up together,
*'existence broke my heart'
The dust outline of you
On the other half of this bed
Blows away in the wind
Leaking through the window
It’s always storming outside
The rain keeps me up at night
Howling and shrieking against the house
In my dreams you’re next to me
But shakey like seeing you
Through water, like drowning
December always has the sense
Of falling through ice
In this bed you're reaching through to me
Fists slamming against the barrier
The whole world swirling outside around us
I wake up coughing and choking
Water dripping from my lips
Silence to the night, no rain, not one drop,
The howling
The shrieking
It was just me
I am a sinking ship
Amidst a calm ocean
No turbulent waves
No frenzied, rioting sea
Just me slowly falling
Into depths unreached
With anchors at my feet
And no oxygen for the trip
This year has been crushing
The pressure so dense against me
Yet still so gentle and somehow kind
With no great and terrible tsunamis
To drag me to foreign waters
And still, in the calm, I do sink
No lifeboats, and no landmass.

Just the ocean, the pressure, and me
I don't think I'm going to make it to 17.
The world is a hard, harsh world
I am too soft for it
I feel very alone
I will not nurture hate
Like a rotten seed in a lush forest
Tainting hallowed ground
Poisoning fruit, instead
I will taste forgiveness
Sweet and rich and I will let it
Consume me, knowing that
Nature herself does not know anger
Or anguish, and though I may hurt
The green of the woodland soul
Is the healing salve for all ailments
And after being ravaged by fire
I, too, can grow back whole.
And so Cupid's arrow went astray
Soaring across the heavens
Hitting none but the Stars
Who fell burning to Earth
Searching for a love
That did not exist
The Muses play on
weeping gently
You are the beast sleeping silent inside me
I imprisoned you in my ribcage
But you made caverns and crawl spaces of my arteries where you slink through and pulse your bulbous, blackening body with every beat of my heart
In the daylight I hate you enough to forget about you
But at night
I feel you stir and purr as you lazily stretch your body until it fills the space of mine
As if I were the second skin

You have made a puppet out of me
Held up on the strings of your whims I can feel you piloting this carcass
And like clockwork each night you heave your way out of my throat
All smoke and lightning and blood you curl yourself around me
And frost blooms on my neck where you kiss me goodnight
Come the dawn I will look for you again in my ribcage, feel you there
Sleeping silent
I hate you

you toy with this body And i feel my joints creak
Like a door on stiff hinges that dances in the wind
Beast you are the wind
You are the hinges, too
Which is to say you are the creaking of my body
Which is to say I would not be me without you
I sit here
In a quiet surrender
and bruising pain
as you continue
to walk the road ahead
and i sit here
what could have made you
want to leave me
I stumble, unsteady
Into wakefullness
Feeling charged as a dream
The sunlight pouring in the window
Illuminates my glowing body
Humming with potential
This languid and blissful
Half asleep state, holds me
In a whisper, in a memory
I have two hands of power here :
In one, Promise.
And the other, Hope.
I am a king
He tasted like the salt
That rolled off my cheekbones
And his eyes were like the soil
In them I saw love growing
I saw him growing
I saw other worlds in the golden flecks
Of his iris'
And I knew that one day
This love would come to pass
And I've come to realise
My prayers are cigarettes
They take the heartache away
But then they turn to ash
Like our love will
*Like our love did
Sleeping king that sings to my dreams
Who weaves slender horrors most deadly
That hold back all my nightmares
My stalactite lord, under earth I look
Over hill and tomb I search
And do not find a clue of you
I trace your face in books of old tithes
Debts paid and kingdoms conquered
The fossils of you that smash against
The sea of a world you never sailed to
There is no one living who could tell me
What mouth produced such lilting voice,
Eager tongue and godly drawl
My ears tremble with it, when
The world has forgotten how.
But the dreams
The dreams know your name
The nightmares, too
If your poetry *****, get drunk.
keep drinking until you manage to ***** up something that bleeds with your blood
something that shakes with your breath,
something pitiful and cold on your bedsheets
drink some more and watch it writhe before you,
shatter the glass in your hand and hear it scream for you,
curse and die for you,
drink until you feel better, drink until you sleep,
drink until you feel hollow enough to swallow the weeping creature,
put down all the bottles, and the pens, and the sadness,
you'll try again tomorrow.
side note: this is terrible advice don't get drunk kids
I suppose you could say I loved him, if you were taken with such things. In the many ways there are to love a flower at near bloom, ripe for the spring but still caught in winter sleeping.
And too, for the way his voice was like fast water over river stones,
not as grating or boisterous as thunder, but I felt the tenors down in the marrow of me.
Or, if I were cliche, it would be the ever-changing nature of his eyes, and I could try to explain them,
compare them with the uncut gemstones so overused, sapphire, topaz, aquamarine.
No. Treasures they may be, but they are lifeless.
My love had the eyes of the restless sky, in all her seasons, in all her moods; midday summer or winters' waning hours,
he was the spectrum.
At the root of it though, I suppose I loved him for what could not be seen,
could not be compared,
or understood by anyone who did not love him also.
He was kind, gentle as the kissing breeze. Bashful and shy, at first.  
When he laughed, he lit up, like joy set a spark in him that glowed bright as starlight.
He tapped tunes on surfaces and you could hear the music.
He was cautious, and didn't presume, but he had a fire and passion that could engulf me, I,
I would happily burn.
He loved music and movies and when he told you about it there was not enough space in the room
to hold the excitement that radiated from him,
nor the adoration that poured from me.
He was a growing thing, he had planted his roots but still bent to the wind, and he was looking for himself in the rain.
He is still looking, and in the downpour, we search together.
Whatever is found, wherever it leads him, I will find him in the restless sky,
I will know him in the running water and the wind that holds me,
and I hope when he feels the homely warmth of the brightening sun,
he will know me also.
I hope he searches for that warmth.
I am a clock that clears its throat and repeats itself
Always stuck on the same sentence
Never able to contribute more to a conversation than a dull click
Over and over, setting teeth to grinding.
I am the clenched fist, too,
All the bones and muscles smiling at each other
Curling up against their lovers
And holding anger inside of them
Like a tongue between teeth
A chime caught midway
I am the midnight hour that echoes inside of itself
The way the impact of fist against mouth
Echoes through eternity
On the hour
Every hour
A metronome of rage
There is nothing worse than silence
The silence that pulls taut between two people
Stretched thin and encompasses all that they cannot say to each other
That she loves him, but it will not make him stay
That he has felt like this for a while, and it is not something he can change about her
There is an empty that is fathoms deep between them
Where love once bridged it, just this :
The sound of him packing his things to leave
Her soft sobs that do nothing for anyone
The room is a gutted carcass now
Stripped bare of him
Of all the light he brought into it
And the girl thinks how foolish it is
To be destroyed by something
So fleeting and feeble as love
The ghosts pass through the walls of our hearts, rattling chains and leaving a frost in their wake, and still we let them wander through our bloodstream. Why do we do that? Why do we open the shutters and unlock the doors, waiting for the empty souls to make their cold home inside our bones? I'm dark as a tomb now, with only ghosts for company and snowflakes for tears.
The depression no longer ****** me
Nor does it bite or scratch
Or tear its way to my skin
From the depth of my core, outward
But occasionally, on my dark days
I will feel a nibble
On my lung or my heart
Reminding me that its still there
That its hungry
It wants feeding. So I do.
I give it my grief and my anger
And everything that keeps me whole
Until I am a little less complete
But it is no longer hungry
And it can no longer nibble
Or scratch, or bite through
My every capillary
I am incomplete
But I am happy
The words bubbled up
from my throat
like a stream
that could not stop
"i adore you"
with a silence
stretching for miles
he looked back at me
and i was ready to run
like a rabbit in the road
wavering between the
bright headlights
of the oncoming traffic
or the dark that was so close


"as i adore you"
it was like the sun rose
at that moment
and he was it, he was both
the brightness and the comforting
darkness and i could drown
in it all.
What must I say to keep you here?
What concepts must I concoct to resume your feelings of comfort?
How many miles must the road take me until your heart is within sight, or reach?
I will circle the world a hundred, no, a thousand thousand times for you
If it meant you would not leave
I would disappear into crevices and find jewel hilted blades
Just so you could cut my heart out if you wanted
I would sell my soul and more just for your smile
Accept this home, this love, without need of my emptiness and know that you are what makes me whole
A tire swing hangs from a tree
a girl with white teeth is smiling
at the warm chocolate eyes
belonging to the ******* the branch above
the leaves are falling around them both
and turning to gold in their passing
dreams are had inside the treehouse
hands held and secret kisses kept
within a tiny wooden world
the sun is looking fondly on them
and so turns to keep away the chill
that is already darkening the sky
summer dreaming has yielded to winter’s reality
and the girls know this,
they know that when the cold comes
the treehouse will fall apart, made brittle by the ice
but first
If they cannot have the winter, they can at least
have this moment
In the twilight making magic of them
they can share a blanket
and a hope
and a world
and a dream
and some more kisses.
She wasn't storybook pretty
She wasn't even the plain kind of pretty
No mary sue or timid thing
She was weepy phonecalls at 3am
And smashing plates in kitchen sinks
She was thunder and lightning
Bright and burning
And you couldn't catch her if you tried
She was destruction and it was not
Beautiful, but it was enchanting
The type of girl who stole breaths
Simply for the enjoyment of watching
Us mere things gasping for air
She was a galeforce wind in winter
You couldn't look away,
And she couldn't stay
Even if she wanted to.
you're filling the spaces
between my fingers
where his hands
used to reside
and i see your smile
instead of his
when i close my eyes
i dont know if this will last
(I hope it will)
but i do know
that you make me happy
and i can't thank you enough
for that
i have written poetry and I have talked to gods . I have seen stars burn and species die. I have loved and I have lost and i spent years running from the devil and god before I found they were reflections in water. Its all fake. The sun. The sky. The sinner's prayer. All that's real is the blood of lovers and the poems of the sick and the ******
Being anonymous
In an ocean of other
Anonymous faces
Moving together, crowding together
Riding the same tide
For the same ******* reasons;
In sacrificing your identity
Take care not to lose yourself
As surely as Atlantis fell
Into the gaping maw of the sea
So I plummeted also in
Landing between the sharp jaws
Of your smile, and did drown,
Like all the downed ships brought low
By the ever-changing storm in your eyes
Cradled in the currents of your arms
And held close, that I may listen in
To the whispering of waves, echoed
By the whalesongs that muffle all other noise
And with a lungful of salt and seawater
I sink into the deep Mariana of your heart
Held in sway by the ocean of you
Of all the beasts in hidden caves
With hearts to burn and hell to raise
You are the spark that sets the blaze
And I, a victim, unafraid.

Of monsters hoarding gold and fire
What have I done to earn your ire?
I am not guilty, you whisper liar
And thus command I build the pyre

You accuse betrayal, and I am aflame
But I will not cry or plead in vain
I know you beast, I see your pain
So I forgive you once again

When I am ash, you return home
To your kingdom under stone
Sorrow weighing on your bones
The price of fury is to remain alone.
I have stopped with the poems
That liken me to natural disasters
No more hurricanes named after my two syllable tongue
No more tsunamis, destroying every island I found in a person
I don’t want to be a cataclysmic event anymore
No more doomsday’s or end times
Hellfire held in these lips, no
I am trying to become sunlight
To weave it around me like a great gold cloak
To walk in between the sunbeams and learn from them
How to step lightly into others lives
Leaving the place before slightly more illuminated
I am learning from the moon her heavy slink
The drowsy hug of her light and I am taking
All that nights darkness and weaving a glittering blanket
To lay over my loved ones that they may sleep peaceful
Knowing only the kiss of me and my stars
And not fearing the dark or the dawn or what the angry earth could bring them
I have pushed away all apocalypse inside me
Drank of ambrosia and nectar that the heavens guzzle
And made myself the smooth waltz of homeliness
Comfort resting on my two syllable tongue
Washing tides of peace on every island I see  
I am dancing in the solar flares and letting the atom bomb inside me
Erupt into stardust
A wish in every fragment
For my molten blood to quiet and cool,
The rumbling earth of my heart to still,
For sunlight in the fallout that does not burn,
For a new kind of calm, one that heralds no storms
The rains came and I was washed away
The grit, the dirt, and the tar
All the unclean parts of myself
Were swept in the downpour
Drifting like flotsam away from me
And then the storms came
Thunder, crashing and lightning, bright
I was struck with that forked spark
and when the haze passed
I was lit up. I was golden.
All the darkness had burned away
It is always raining
On the outermost edges,
In the alleyways and
All through the subway streets
The snow and the hail and the goddamed rain
It pours through the cracks
Of my heart
I've been talking about my heart a lot lately, which is mainly due to the fact that if I can write about it here it might find its way out of my ****** chest
the wolves howling at my door are baying for my blood and i cannot drive them away. screams pierce the morning air like shrieking bullet aimed for me, my eyes grow tired from lack of sleep and my stomach churns from the mere thought of last night's meal slowly digesting into more fat for people to **** and poke at. 6 cups of coffee later and i am no less awake nor any happier, my mother is in the kitchen making soup for work tomorrow and my brother still sleeps, lucky as he is, not to be plagued with nightmares that scream at him to wake up. Sitting downstairs in my pyjamas on the computer talking to people who can at least make me smile for a brief few seconds. Daring to draw in my notebook pictures of monsters that lurk under beds and between my sheets, whispering the same things that my mirror hisses at me when i look too far into the flaws lurking there. I look out the glass door in my living room and see a shadowed beast snarling at me from the patio, baring its teeth in anticipation for when it can finally draw blood, crush bones, and swallow my pale flesh, rendering me lifeless and stained with a darkness that has left marks on every indent on my skin. I bare my teeth back trying to scare the monster away, but she and i are one and she sees through my facade, knowing i am not as brave as i pretend. The sound of my dog barking draws me out of my haze and i bury my face into his golden fur, hoping that his sunlight coat will be enough to chase away whatever has nestled itself into my veins and capillaries. We stay like that for a few minutes, with silent tears warm on my cheeks, until i compose myself, finish off my coffee, and return to gazing at this screen where i type my confession.
I can still hear the wolves.
There is a stone cage
Built slowly, over years
Broken down again and again
Foul hands digging into its carcass
Rending, tearing, destroying
To get at the sweet nectar of my soul
Blood dripping from hands
I love you i'm sorry I love you
Walls laced with iron and steel
Less malleable, less breakable
Build and build and build
He says he wouldn't hurt me
Such savagery is beyond him
But I know his type
The ones with the blue eyes
And the soft lips and the warm hands
Inside they're cold cold cold
Getting close enough to kiss
Before the torture starts
My walls will not be molded
For him to climb over and into me
I'll bleed him first if it means
He is too tired to hold me
**for i will never be harmed again
The thing about love
Is that in the excitement
Of offering yourself
To someone you lust for
You have exposed
Your heart, your soul.
And in that lustful surrender,
You lose both.
The embers died and I extinguished every burning flame with my breath
The fire inside me glowed so brightly I could not see,
and the flickering candle-lit lanterns of my eyes brimmed with water
and the roaring blaze inside me died
I inhaled smoke trying to reignite what once thrived
my nicotine lips smelt like ash and my heart was a burnt out cinder
I washed the smell of smoke from my fingertips
the same fingertips that fires used to lick and nibble,
caressing the skin that held a furnace within
Nothing but smoke and ash left inside me now
And blackened lungs from years of fueling the very object that would be my demise
I drowned in a flood created by my own weak self
it washed away my sins, yes, but I was made entirely of sins
and now I am a hollowed out shell of the bonfire I used to be
I was engulfed in a shower of tears that diminished the essence of my being
Now I am nothing but ash and cigarette smoke.
Looking back
at the footsteps you left
after walking out of my life
i realise it was mostly
my fault you've gone
as too often
I loved,
and did not say so.
There are weights
On my shoulders
That look like pebbles
To some
But feel like mountains
To me
It didn't matter
about my cries that echoed
throughout the woods
that he took me to
it didn't matter
about the screams
that escaped my lips
or the tears streaming
down my face
as he took my innocence
after all, I asked for it
didn't I?

my skirt was too short
too much skin exposed
I didn't call the police straight away
It didn't matter
that he was at least 30
and I was still a teenager
It didn't matter
that I began to walk faster
and then so did he
after all, I asked for it
didn't I?

Because thats what they told me
my friends turned their backs on me
strangers spat in my face
my family shunned me
I was *****
but it doesn't matter
*After all, I asked for it
didn't I?
this wasn't an event that happened to me, but this happens to a lot of people
There is something unknowable about you
a curse word, terrible and crude,
itching to be spoken, dancing on the tongue
flames licking the throat
hellfire blazing in eyes shrouded
by a palpable darkness,
bright as a falling star
catastrophic as a crashing comet
you are an altogether
beautiful and damaged thing
the weeping wound
and the blade itself.
when the night comes alive
and the wind shakes the sky
thats when i find myself
thinking of you

when the tears, soft and slow
fall like petals off a rose
thats when i find myself
thinking of you

and i suppose the story goes-
happy endings? no one knows
but without the bitter
the sweets' just not as sweet

a memory, just a haze
thats all you are, a masquerade
a reminder of the heart
i now have lost

you're a fire, i'm the snow
you break me down and i'm a ghost
crumbling to nothing
like the frost.
My momma bought me some more of those pills
the ones that control my moods, keeping me sane
I only just opened them, took off the cap
didn't do anything, just swirled my finger around,
my thoughts consumed by the elegance of them,
the perfect roundness and sunshine yellow.
But then the dark thoughts came, like storm clouds,
as they always do around this time of the evening
and i heard them ask me, a hiss in my ear
now what on earth, could a girl like you do
with all of those

I know this is against the rules
But im drunk right now and so the rules don't matter
I miss you
I miss how you would look at me
When you thought i wasnt looking
And i miss your self- satisfied grin
I miss your bad habits and the way
You held a cigarette between your teeth
I miss the taste of you in my mouth
And mostly i miss how you would stretch your hand out,
An open invitation for my own small fingers
I know this is against the rules
But I'm halfway in love with you
And I cannot go forwards nor back
And I wouldn't want to if I could.
I fall down my throat
Into the last standing pillars
Of my body, that was a city
Atlantis and I, both sinking
I take all benevolent queen in me
Whisper wakefulness to my sleeping parts
Listen for the whirrs and chimes
Of my whole heart coming alive again
I can hear the lioness of my lungs chatting with the magpies
All the birds singing in harmony
The tree that grew from the apple seeds I swallowed
Refuses to drop its leaves, even as winter
Tries to choke this body
I am walking through gardens
All the beasts that used to gnaw at my bones while I slept
Nudge at my hands and lead me through this Eden
Like Atlantis, I find myself lost
Like Atlantis, I find no desire to return to the surface
All the birds singing in harmony
And happiness, in every step
the remains of us collect dust
on the kitchen counter
and i have stacked our memories
in bookshelves, tucked away,
dog-earing my favourite pages
and scribbling out the tragic chapters
you know the ones.
How like me
to hide away nostalgia
but refuse to dispose of it
Sentimentality, i always joked,
would be the ruin of us
and how like you
to prove me wrong
and leaving,
just as the story
was getting good
The leaves change
From green to gold
It reminds me of your eyes
This colder air
Makes Death grow bold
And the weak-willed summer
They closed my file at CAHMS, but I don't feel better, or happy.
I feel hollow. I have spilled my secrets, confessed my sins, and now there is nothing left of me that is mine and mine alone. Its been over a year since I was told I didn't need them anymore,
But I'm just worse.
This life is cold and cruel and its not getting better.
Ramblings really. I haven't posted anything in a while please forgive me, I just needed to do something
Sometimes, in the shower
I think of all the hands I have let touch me
And have to scrub myself so hard my skin blisters,
Use my nails like a blunt knife, try to tear into a new skin
One they have never seen
I'm reminded of all the ways I have said no with my body,
All the times it was ignored,
And turn the water so hot I feel hell singing in my blood.
I hear all the ways I said no with my tongue,
All the times it was ignored,
Bite down on lips that never spoke loud enough
I’d sever this useless muscle from my mouth
If only I hadn’t already hidden the razors.
But sometimes, in the shower
I think of the times I have touched myself
Ran fingers over a soft-skinned body
That could not do more to save me
And I remind myself that this precipice of hatred,
The dancing cliff-edge of blaming myself
Should not lead to scars and blood in the drain
I think of all the ways the water has held me
Has embraced me for hours and asked me to give nothing in return
In these moments I know a body is just flesh
This sinew and marrow carcass of me
Is blameless for the reaching hands
Of the ****** and rotten bodies of them
It’s just a frightened body
And I forgive it
I forgive it
The wolves stepped from the wood
Padfoot, quickstep, under ****** moon
Their mouths agape and yawning
Tongues lolling to steam the air
Eyes yellow and gold
The first wolf that had ever walked
Swallowed a portion of the sun
And they have been hoarding fire
Inside them ever since
And these wolves, from the darkening wood
With their misted fur backs
Twitching ears and slow careful steps
They lift their heads in one drawn-out moment
Speak with one voice
A voice that echoes like man
That lilts with arrogance not of wolf
To say that the world was raining blood.
The sun
The moon
They heard the wrongness of that voice
Saw the guns pointed at weeping muzzles
And they heeded
Noise shattered the ever-night
Sunlight averts her eyes
A moon crimson and shameful
The sky exploded in death
The woods grew darker
There is beauty here
You can see it,
Through the cracks of the universe.
You can see it all.

The clear night sky
In a polluted city
Where all stars come alive
And sit ablaze among the black

The mirrored echo of the sky
On a frozen lake
In the crisp and harsh winter
As above, so below, in beauty

The vibrant gold
In autumn months
Where all is tired and dying
But colour is awake and bold

There is beauty here
In the cracks of the universe
You can see it,
If you look.
when you run your fingers across my skin
be careful
for I have spent many sleepless nights
stitching myself back together
when people's words cut through me like daggers

and when you brush your lips against mine
be careful
I have so often bled venom from this mouth in my words
And I would hate for you to taste its sting

When you wipe the tear from the corner of my eye
be careful
It is not the last I will shed, there are many more
pricking at my eyelids, itching to be released

When you declare 'I love you' to me
be careful
I have heard it many times, none of which were true
If i hesitate saying it back, know that it is my lack of trust
not your lack of love for me

And when you hold me in your arms
be careful
I am all too likely to shatter, I am but a fragile thing
A bird, if you will; Hold me too tightly
and my little wings will break, hold me too loosely
and I will take flight for fear that pain will follow.
How could I not love the sky?
When the sun so kindly cups his face
Gold-hued fingers tracing the lines of his mouth
Gentle as I, with his heart aglow through his chest
Her speckled pink blush spreading
As he opens his eyes to her, smiling
Greeting the morning like it is his first one
How bashful she is, to witness the green of his eyes
Sleepy from dreaming, and I
How lucky I am to meet them
Knowing these lips can kiss what the sun can only cradle
So yes, how could I not love the sky
When she has the same warmth for him
That beats in the echoes of my breast
Incandescent, and unending
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