i feel like potential is dripping out of the tips of my fingers
golden ochre spilling across every surface
staining everything it touches
marks and scar of waste to show that all i do is fail
use it use it use it
make use of this potential before it leaves you, my mind screams
use it use it use it
so i do i do i do
and slowly ochre turns to a shimmering bronze
i can't pay it any mind

i am not easy to love

i whisper it into the breath i blow across the cup filled with steaming tea

i am not easy to love

i trace the words into the stone at my finger tips as i gaze at the water rushing over the edge of the cliff

i am not easy to love

my mind chants as i open my palm to catch the fallen dice

all this time later, a decade and a half, it was time to write the truth in stone for us both

“i am not easy to love”

what is time?

is it the hours my eyes are open
is it the breaths i take between your words

is it the months before we speak again?
does it matter when i still fall in your arms

there's only one true love in everyone's life
its what they've always said
it consumes you, eats you up from the inside out
steals your breath and your heartbeats
and almost assuredly they'll love you too
feel all the same things in all the same ways

but im not sure i believe them
because i've loved a million times in a million different ways

some loves are quiet and unspoken
grown from the warmth that thrums in my veins when they smile and thank me for the coffee I brought them

others are the pillars of my soul
made of a consuming sensation of peace when i rest my head on their shoulder

and the rarest of loves makes my heart sing
songs in languages that I could never learn
touches that are followed with three small words

I live to love
in all of its ways

run from me darling
run while you can
i'll be here
till the end
oh
find me
find me in your heartbeat
so run
run from me darling
but you know
that im close
run
run from me
i'll be close
don't you know

here and now
i swear to myself
i'll love someone better

next time

dance with me
under the stars in pale moonlight
skirts catching in our legs
our smiles only a breath part
dance with me
one last time

When my grandfather passed I found a butterfly
Yellow and small hovering around my shoulders, lightly kissing my cheeks with every flutter
I walked five feet, then ten. Bidding farewell to my new friend.
And yet, the friend followed me no matter how far I strayed
And so I returned home to my mother, the yellow butterfly following behind
Then her eyes widened with shock, and, a touch of happiness
Her smile turned bittersweet as she pulled me into her arms
'Look dear,' she said, pointing at my new friend.
'There's your grandfather, he's come to visit.' She reached out with her fingers and the butterfly settled on them.
'How could that be grandpapa, Mama?' I asked, curious as ever.
'When a loved one passes, their spirit visit us in the form of butterflies.'

Twenty years since. butterflies have followed my every step.
I've begun to wonder if they announce the passing of a loved one or prepare me for my own

I can't stop wondering what could've been
If I was braver, if you were shyer
Something in my soul tells me that we fit like puzzle pieces
I feel it in the way we speak with glances
The way your body shifts and moves closer when I'm near
The way the colour blue reminds me of your eyes and warms my heart
There's something about the way you say my name soft but sure
Like you're tasting every letter
I don't know if we still have time.

im afraid to dream
because all i see
are all the ways
you'll never say i love you

we speak with our eyes
a flash of brown locking together
saying far more than words ever could

we haven't spoken in a while

i take a million pictures
looking for the one
where my smile looks the most genuine

thats the one i send to you every time you say hello

only twenty-two
a life left to lead
breaths untaken
words unheard

music forgotten
memories purged
disappointment rotten
forgiveness returned

you were only twenty-two

your right hand whispers love letters on my skin
your left hand draws out all the fear from my veins

when im close do your hands itch to touch me
do your eyes follow me across the room
do you find yourself drifting closer towards me
does you breath catch when our eyes lock
do you imagine what it'd be like to run you hands across my body

i dont
i dont find myself searching for your touch, your eyes, or your heart
but
perhaps tomorrow i will

i hope you love her the way i loved you
and i hope she loves you the way i loved you

and i hope no one is loved the way you loved me

You're stronger than I ever thought a person could be
When your world broke, when god left you
You singlehandedly rebuilt your own empire
Chased after god and made him kneel before you

But when you were lost for just moment
My world fell to pieces

You are not invincible
Your walls may look like marble but shatter like glass
And your love can disappear from my life with a single gust of wind

From the moment that I lost you
I've grown an unshakeable fear that I will lose you again

I hold you like a delicate bubble of air in the palm of my hand
Regard you like the Mona Lisa, an invaluable piece of my heart safeguarded by every precaution
I lay down clouds before you feet so your goodness may never touch the treacherous ground
I pray to a god I don't believe in to keep you safe

Every moment you're away I imagine the tragedies that may befall you
And how I could never rebuild an empire like you, find faith again
I can't do this alone

magnets snap together
any hint of attraction and suddenly they'll never be separate again
but flip one of them around
and they'll push each other as far away as they can

sometimes i wonder which one of us was flipped

I'm a princess can't you see?
Made of ice and gold and tea

My heart decided for me
We were just kids
But my heart decided
That you were it

My mind was always smarter
I packed my things and went away
I looked into your baby blues and wondered at what I saw
Was there regret, or sadness, or pain?

Did you feel what I felt?
Did your heart decide for you?
Do you look around corners searching for a glimpse of me?
Do you drive by my home in hopes that I may be on the porch?
Do you dream of late nights spent in my arms?
Did you choose to listen to your mind?

You're something of an elixir for my heart
When I'm hurt my mind is flooded with you
Every time I quiet it, and go on, and love again
And hurt again, and live in our memories

Its hard to let go of something that never existed
Hard to tear your own heart to pieces
Hard to let go of what you never had
I love easily and quickly, but forget just as easily
Somehow I haven't forgotten you yet

Pray tell, my heart
Let me live and forget you.

Someone smiled at me today
Their eyes were warm
Their smile soft, kind, and happy
I found myself smiling back
Like a flower preening at the sun

And for a moment I forgot you
And what you did
And how it hurts

And I forgot how it feels to have wet cheeks
And a throbbing head
And shaking hands

Someone smiled at me today
And I smiled back

I wake in the night an alarm going off
My mind is a cat's cradle of paranoia, fear, pain
Pulled taut in intricate patterns
But i remain, still as marble, in my bed

Something within me screams
"Collect your possessions!
The danger is coming."
So I grab my passport, slip it in my pocket
My license goes in the other
Then I press the picture of my mother to my heart
Whisper goodbye

And my heart is racing, the tension in my mind pulling tighter and tighter
My hands shake as I tie my shoe
My hands reach for the door

Its too late
I succumb to the darkness

I've been taught that there isn't a place more beautiful than barcelona
The streets are placed with purpose and thought
People mill about with only smile lines gracing their face
The air tastes like citrus, honey, and sea breeze
A paradise I've never known

Sometimes I fear the paradise within it is one I've created
Far from real
And is the product of my own desperation

Sometimes
                      I fear the love in your eyes is barcelona

am i broken or wrong
for mistakes can be erased
but jagged ends can only impale

am i forgotton or missed
is your silence in memory of fondness
or have i disappeared from the caves of your mind

am i dangerous or unsafe
do you worry that my grasps of love will tumble you over the edge
or do you fear that i do not see the daggers i have for teeth

am i something you fear
or does the thought of something with me chill you to your bones

I wonder how you see me
I feel larger than life
Collecting moments and breaths, bundling them into my chest
When I speak I sing, when I smile I show all my teeth

But in the quiet
Next to you, under the moon
My smile is small and tight
My voice quiet and soft

I wonder if you’re afraid
Of who you would receive
If you asked to be mine
I wonder if that fear is why--a canyon lies between us

i go back--three steps, four steps, five
i search for what i said wrong
i wonder how you never knew
it was in my eyes--my breath, my lips, my cheeks
i collected every second you gave me
like treasures from the past
that will mean only more in the future

be patient i said
soon you'll notice--care, wish, love

i was never patient--three steps, four steps, five
in our youth i wanted it now--attention, fondness, grace
and i found it others
but it was never enough

it took a decade of you to understand
why it wasn't enough

my life was always dark--cloudy, dreary, waiting
thunder sounded in my heart from the moment i met you
i pushed it aside to a place i never looked
but lightning always follows thunder--three steps, four steps, five

when it hit rain poured all over me
over our memories--our happiness, our comfort, our truth
once you're struck by lightning
everything changes

it was darker--three steps, four steps, five
and my lips trembled trying to contain the words
i've been struck i wanted to scream
but i couldn't
you weren't struck

a breath can only be held for so long--three steps, four steps, five
when it released you held me--delicately, carefully, worriedly
but it was too much all at once
and you dropped me

something shatters
not the lightning bolt in my heart
not the sky of darkness in my mind
but our memories--our happiness, our comfort, our truth

you walk away--three steps, four steps, five

I wish I could tell myself that you’re waiting
but nothing else feels more like a lie.

i miss you and love you
and wish i wasn't doing both at once.