what happened to all the feeling? am I becoming less and less real to you? can't you see that I have a heart and it's dying because of you? you say things I know you don't mean,
please don't mean them.
it only seemed like yesterday when we were laughing without a doubt of whether the future would swallow us up. i still am not quite bothered by it just yet. but if I ask you all about tomorrow you'll say you're unsure.
you won't plead for me to stay anyways, so why should I bother waiting?
why should I bother pinning down my insides to submit to the practicality of my own mind?
why is there an ambivalent voice telling me that this isn't about how I feel, but instead a test whether my love is real?



To stay means to trudge through the thoughts and thorns heavily scraping my chest
To love means to set aside what might benefit me, and instead continually asking "how are you?" even if I know you'll answer that you're more than fine.

And it probably won't bother you that I'll fade away sooner into the sidelines, where the present is the future, and I remember how unsure you always sound--- but that's alright. I still just might be hoping for the best of us.

deep inside my chest there is a whirring a stirring
of flavors such as lemon and chair
pull me aside
explain to me that everything's going to be alright
please

all I hear is silence
and the thumping of my heart
why is it still beating
I thought I heart an eating, a rotting
deep inside my chest

What is this I'm feeling?
Please tell me that everything will be all right.

"that's an obsession"
oh no it's a lesson
why is my past time
innocently pondering about what you are probably doing?
oh no. it's an obsession

I said I'd write a story about you
"just to get it over with"
and now I'm write hundreds of letters
i should rather think of getting better
Than sitting around waiting for you to come around

It should've settled in my head that you may not
or on second thought
maybe this is just the obsession

For though you are gone
You have lived as an idea in my head
An ideal
Quite surreal

I hate to say this,
But I'm obsessed.

"I wish you were real."
She kept crying every night for days and for every restless, sleepless moment you could ever count. It felt like an eternity before this ever had to end.

She never knew that one day
she would wake up and realize that she's had it with all these damp cheeks, dried up tears, clogged nostrils, and sniffling pains.
She never knew that she would throw the very thing that meant the universe to her into the black hole, into the oblivion.

"Darling, if you really loved me you would make it sure.
Darling, if you really loved me you would keep us pure.
Darling, if you really loved me you would leave me alone and know that we are noxious for each other.
Darling, if you really loved me you wouldn't have said those things.
Darling, if you really loved me you would take things for a walk and settle it before evening.
Darling, if you really loved me you shouldn't have taken advantage of the fact that I was so stuck on you!
Darling, you if you really loved me you would've
You would've."

"Don't cry. Please."
I wouldn't cry if I could.
I would die to my selfish sulk if I could.
I would care to not want if I could.
"If only I could," she replied.
Good night, nothing will change.
Good night, forever be the same
Good night, never-ending good night.
"Don't cry."
Why do I even?
Why do I sigh?
Why do I keep this on, lie for lie?
"Good night," she said.
Nothing will change.
Forever will stay the same.
The never-ending good nights,
and the want to say more.

You are so good at this game
And I am in shame
I would rather not blame
you for all this
Kiss me goodbye
Oh wait, you're too shy
...
Well all right.
I guess I'll go now

there is so much going on inside of me
I do not understand it
I wish I was like you
who wouldn't care at all if I subsided
if my trinkets be forgotten,
"That's okay," because life is like that.
"That's okay," that you repeat what you say and then not mean it.
"That's okay," that we squander time like the future won't care to see.
"That's okay," I know our love will die anyway, because life is like that.
Life is like that.
I wish I was as passive as you are.

when it comes to holding honeys dear,

if only i stopped reading your name clear.

though i have not thought about,

what amounts to your smiling pouts,

what our hearts used to shout,

my do I have a doubt.

a voice could steal a part of me,

the darkest of me,

what i chose to behold,

what i have lost to the cold,

what keeps on moulding me

into the person i’m supposed to be.

love, when it comes to holding you dear,

without your hand so near,

it takes all my power,

all my might— along with every fright,

to keep you in sight.

though i do not recall,

our quiet walks in the mall,

or even the reason why i fall,

i still shiver

i still shiver when i try to hold you dear,

you, without a voice in my ear,

encouraging me, “please!”

“won’t you hold me, dear?”

i will hold my honeys dear,

even without a sight of you clear.

you make me less of a reality by putting me in a box

is it too much ask that you should hope a little?

"don't jump to conclusions," you'll say

but darling, ever will I try to reason this out because I'm scared of our one true final conclusion

which I still am to figure out

This, no one can ever take away from me
Though I know you are gone
This, I know, they cannot take away from me


When your gaze had a sort of sweetness to it
When your eyes swirl because you were looking at me
When your silence did not matter, just as long as we were together

How can I give this away?

The bitter taste of firsts, now gone
And love thirsts for the same one.

How can I give this away?


.....
I can't
....
I can't seem to--
...
The things you said, with so much passion you lead
me on into the Woods,
into the Valleys,
into the Cities where I thought I would never be.

You took me away,
led me astray
loved me until daylight til' you left.
You left and left and left and you were gone.







They tell me to give up.
And so does my heart.
"You two were always apart
from the very start," they say.
"I know," I reply.



"I know."



The silhouette of you,
the essences you dressed up in
The heart you pulled out of yourself to show me you meant everything....


This, no one can ever take away from me
Though I know you are gone
This, I know, they cannot take away from me

I am sad I am starting to forget
but to remember means to hurt

You're drifting away
Slipping from my reach
You're gone
You've gone

And so are the memories of you

But what I'll never forget
is the shuddering of my heart
the tempering of my soul
the melting of my own
when I see your face
a figure,  shadow, a glimpse of you
how you make me feel
whether heat or blue
that, I will never forget

I am sad whenever I remember
but to forget means to hurt

Hello, goodbye. Whenever you want.
Love or die, that's all the options I've got.
A window is where I look through to
see what you do.
Daily, weekly, yearly, fondly do you do these busy things you do.
You come home late, say hello
Talk about your day, talk about your highs and lows.

And do I have to say?
Nothing. For I am your figment.

You ask me if I still do,
I say yes, holding forever in my heart.
But what impact does that hold to a busybody like you?

But without this past, you are hardly home.
In fact this is not your home anymore.
You only comeback when you can,
just because of pity
just because of regret
just so maybe you can still fix the little ebbing in my heart
to fix the reason why there still might be a ghost of me left somewhere.

And this I am,
You very special figment.

You say you still do,
in the most vague ways.
But I obviously don't stand a chance
to her ways that amaze.

She's real, I'm not.
I am forever your figment.

There is no love
where we try to find it
My voice has grown hoarse
just because of this course we have taken
When will the skies ever admit that you are going away forever?
All you ever were
and you ever are is an illusion
You will pass
just like when I asked
"Will you stay?"
I am forgetting the days we thought of us with an irreplaceable value
when my heart would flutter
and my eyes would squeeze out fresh juices of sparkle once we touched gazes
Ah! Such endeavors lead to errors
ones we have not dreamed or thought of yet
ones you never seem to realize
ones you never seem to actualize with to try and at least warn me of?





Maybe you do not mind losing me at all.



Yet where our tiny pieces of happiness lie,
there is a draining void---a blacking seeping through
******* in every source of hope or trust in what has happened being eaten by the truth of change and nature

I should never expect
shant I ever have,
I should not

The language of my heart
cries aloud
wants to be heard
though no ear be found decent

The language of my heart
burning or cooling
drying itself on its on rate
it follows no one

The language on my heart
speaks to you
yet you are too consumed
by the world's tune
whatever it does

Oh you do not understand the language of my heart
you never will
you never will

I remember the olden times
it was not as different as the nights I spend crying knowing you'll be snatched away from me
I uses to stay up dampening my eyelids, just as I am with every night that jabs me in the heart.
even now, I only hold on by less than an inch of your finger
time has washed our warm memories away
but all you think of me is how I can be good for you.
I have always wished for you to disappear
but as long as the poignancy remains,
I will keep denying my good wishes.
forever is nonexistent. Especially in this case, where you are in love with now.
You do not care to ponder, no. That is no fondly business to you.
Unfortunately, that has been my occupation since the distraught had begun in me. If only had I known that death eats us up. It chases us down til' we run out of breath and give up to a new tomorrow.
We will always end with a goodbye, a goodnight, a see you.
And where eternity is, there is no you.

I had a bad dream.
There was a "you" amidst this slumber.
I...
Sent you letters
Sent you emails
Put you into literature and drawing
Wrote songs, poems, proses
Made you real in my head
Imagined you smiling
laughing
replying
talking to me
Why have I done such a horrid thing
to relive what is gone?

You aren't even real
You aren't
Real
You are not
Real

You exist beyond a meter or two
Your smile exists beyond the present--now a past
Your laugh exists outside my jokes and my stories
Your reply is but silence of a chattering crowd in between us
Our conversations are no where to be found.

Our worlds
(once, united)
are now once again
far apart.

We do not coexist.

I was just dreaming.
And now I have woken up.
You are not real.
You were never real.

cruel, and yet dainty to the touch
shattering, sparkling -- these wondrous things of yesterday
caressing the aching -- breaking parts of me
words and pictures
faces and dreams
i wish to bring it all back
to feel the weight of what was the world then draping over me
pristinely etched on with what was -- memories
when even the phrase "i miss you" held no bounds
it is much lighter in my chest compared to when i hold these
these...

with my very own eyes, i see the rotten flesh of mine die

deader than dead

upon gazing on a walking mirror — a material-less self

i wish i did not speak nor spoke in a different way

lest not think this day

when people are horrible — horribly

just like me

just like me

lately, i have been illiterate.

hasty is this mouth that has beheld bad composures upon being looked upon at all

for i am not a flower to gaze at, nor a star to wonder

i do not see myself at all

since all i am is all that worries this precious soul

and i blind myself with me

here it is again, the same old topic, the same old story, the same old rant

about a word i will not mention for it is already too bland

on the tip of my tongue — i wish it would be gone

its meaning sure is, i wish it never did

loneliness is key

to be filled with pertinent happiness, at least only to fill

we are containers

containers with holes

containers with moles

i hate this obliterating gaze

that kills the curiosity in others

if only i could take it off like shades,

maybe then i could make a good mother

nobody has ever regarded me as the person i would like to be

young and sweet and graceful in all sides

maybe this is why

if it is within my circle of salt,

i guess i will stay

but to look out the window

to see what it’s like outside

that in which — all together, is another story

take away this garbage bag of a heart

take away these knives to the throat

i am not an angel nor a dove

i would want the best from above

but not from me

Investigate a little won't you?
Peer inside my heart, search my face for a hint of madness
Check if I'm really still in love or if I'm just lonely
Navigate where it hurts, master the facts you have managed to gather up about me
Memorize my expressions, mark my words, highlight phrases that I have said with the entirety of me
Know
Oh please do know how much I've been hurting lately
You can hardly see anymore because of life's dazzling beams, they pull you in to dance, and you'll be dancing forever

Investigate a little won't you? See that there is a crack in my smile.

Difficult
it is to stay happy
Difficult
it is to remain
Whether in sadness or in complete ecstacy
The days they change
And so does you and I

Difficult
it is to love
Difficult
it is to look above
Especially when everything is shaking you
Braking you
Taking you away from what really matters

And what really matters is that you look above