You scribble down the name of a drug I can't pronounce
Is that an A or an O?
And send me on my way
It seems like that's how you send all of us off these days
Do you really know my life?
Would you even take the time to listen?
I have my doubts
and I'm sticking with them
Because frankly,
all you're concerned about
is the paycheck you'll be getting.

I'm not sure what went wrong
But I know I don't deserve this
You can't just lead me on
You can't just string me along

You have a way with your lips
and the lies that creep out of them
I know I don't deserve this
You can't just build me up
to watch me tumble

I smoke my cigarette in the dark
as music sofly caresses my soul
and I prepare for the days ahead
This seems to be a ritual, almost
while thoughts spill from their darkest corners
and smoke dances around my bed
I have come to the conclusion
that I am not unhappy, just unfulfilled
The nicotine seems to sooth my brain
As it kisses goodbye the cells it kills
The orange of the ash will eventually fade
And I drift to sleep to then awaken to day

My parents always gave me enough rope
To hang myself
And that alone kept me
From crafting a noose
But you
Gave me enough rope to hang
The both of us
And that, my dear
Is all the more enticing

Our bodies together,
Perfect patterns in the dark of the night
The beauty of our tessellation
Was solely known by us
The only sound:
Two heartbeats underneath
Heavy breathing
Drowning out
The voices screaming
In my head

I am your puppet with pretty round buttons
You’ve got your hands on the strings and you’re tugging
My seams are tearing yet you persist
With your pushing and pulling and little mind tricks

I know the way to cut the strings
Yet somehow they’re oddly comforting
Like the way a bird still sings while missing wings
I’m used to it

Honey,
You're just a conjugation of the elements
And sadly I'm the same
We exhaust the thought of something greater
But really who's to blame?

I looked out the window and saw
wet leaves
stuck to the concrete

It was a beautiful compilation
of orange, yellow, some brown,
a few green

And the more I looked around
the more I came to see
the utterly pure magnificence
of the world
around me

Even in the tiny things

Frolicking in fields of sun
flowers they say they are,
But all I see is you

Sitting in my bedroom
Tryna write this English paper
When my sister calls and tells me
That the boy who wouldn’t date her
Has gotten her pregnant
The boy who up and left her
After getting in her pants
Wasn’t down for the romance
Just a plethora of one night stands
And now he’s got a kid on the way
Whether he goes or he stays
‘Cause my sister would never have the will to say
“**** it.”
And I feel it,
This real ****, the intense hit
Of news in my face
Things are gonna change
And although I’m both sad and happy
For my single sister and her baby
All that this has taught me
Is that **** happens to the best of us
And the sun shines on the rest of us
But I don’t know why

I took a walk outside
by the river
And looked up at the sky to find
Little flakes of snow falling
as I shivered
The air was cold
and bitter
But the lack of wind made it
simpler --
I no longer fear the winter.

I used to be a full moon
Exposed,
Completely illuminated by the sun
I showed you my all
And asked for nothing in return
But hoped for your admiration
Or at least some acknowledgment
I wanted you to stare at me
Like I was the light in your darkness
But now I am new

I am a new moon
Hidden by the Earth,
Away from reach of the sun
I know now that darkness
Keeps you safe from the unknown
Because although it is still there
At least you won’t see it coming
And although I will soon open up again
Next time I’ll know better

We smoked a cigarette in the snow
As little flakes swept in with the wind flow
And clung to your hair
It was pretty, the way your eyes
Contrasted with the white sky
I could get lost in them

I looked at you and let out a sigh
As I embraced my faded high
And anticipated your departure
It was uncanny, the way your smile
Made me feel so comfortable
I am strangely into you

Maybe the stars will align
Into perfect patterns with time
And things will fall into place

Hello, kind stranger
Could you spare me a few words?
You know nothing about me
But you know that I hurt
It’s comforting, knowing you care
It’s seemed to restore my sense of hope
Knowing that there is someone out there
With no precedent, no hint of my story
No opinions and not a flake of judgment
Just a genuine passerby that affects you immensely

In my dreams I'm angry
Only to awaken
To another situation
That I don't want to be in
It's complicated
I tell them
When they ask me the questions
That I don't want to answer
Maybe
This is good for me
Maybe it's all going to be
Okay in the long run
I do have faith
But for now
I choose to run
From my problems,
too troubled to solve them
At the moment
It's more than one component
In the potion
That is poisoning my soul
I am out of control
But I like it
Because while I am spinning recklessly
I have control of the velocity
And that is what exhilarates me
So why fight it?

Drink until you feel better,
Then have another
Just to be clear that your problems are gone,
Your headache is no longer,
The nausea has surrendered.

You will forget about whatever demons are drowning you
and float up to a place where nothing's bad around you

But be careful with this vice,
Because while intoxication might feel nice,
It will never last
Soon you will be back
at the bottom
With your forgotten problems
Weighing more than ever

So remember,
Down the drinks
and forget to think
about the madness in your head
Then drink some more, and then repeat,
Repeat until you're dead

A man once came up to me
He grabbed me by the arms
And he shook me,
shouting,

"LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! CAN'T YOU SEE IT?
You are part of something so wonderful!
You are a gift and you were given a gift.
And don't you ever, ever forget it."

As I looked at him in astonishment,
He simply smiled and off he went.

Eat.
Sleep.
Repeat.
The cycle of our defeat.

Eat.
Sleep.
Repeat.

Nothing more and nothing less
The life we live is all a guess
Do we really know anything
Or is life but a dream?

The sky might suggest that something more is there
What I'm searching for is a reason to care

Eat.
Sleep.
Repeat.

Please tell me that this isn't it
Let me know there is more than this

I sat in silence yet nature was singing
With different hues of the sky so blue illuminating
the evergreens and aspen trees
I don't know exactly what it means to me
But I know it's something special
and deep
Life's about seeing beauty in the little things


These mountains, they're wise
They're lonely but they listen
Take a walk outside with them
And you'll find
that they'll take you
far deeper within

When the party is said and done
I’m alone
Watching rain drops fall outside my window
Pondering all the ways things went wrong
Can you tell me where my mind has gone?
I can’t seem to put my finger on
Just exactly where I left it
It might be a goner along with my heart
And my liver
Or maybe it’s just hiding from the madness that infects it
Either way I’m alone regardless
Watching the rain fall, hopeless, heartless
Patiently awaiting the next party
To distract me
Only until it’s over

You shine like the moon in my eyes
Your subtle illumination is modest yet lovely
Graceful is your presence
And so effortlessly beautiful

Your mystical ways, they draw me in
Light a moth to the light, blindly trapped in your rays
So blissfully unaware of your influence
Yet I am content

New or full, complete darkness or light
I know you are there
But the question I ask, is if you feel me as I feel you
Or if some things are better left unknown

Time does not exist,
Yet timing can mean
                         everything.

What does this mean?
I insist, please explain,
How a tic of a seemingly insubstantial second
Decides the fate of everyone in question?

It’s a breathtakingly beautiful mystery
Whether time is
     for
             or against
me
In this unfathomable paradox we blindly believe

Cigarettes in bed
Seem to help me
Clear my head
As I lie
And detangle my thoughts
In the candlelight

I don't seem to know a lot
But at least I can admit it
I just want to see the world
And explore the things within it

My mind it runs
Like a river down a mountainside
Atoms and matter they collide
Sometimes too much for me to bear

Would you understand
If I told you I need to get away?
If I said I need to leave this place

It’s a ****** kind of thing,* she said
“What is?” he asked
Not feeling.
He took her hand and placed it on his chest
“Do you feel that?”
Well, yes.
She could feel him and he felt for her,
And in that moment
it was all she needed.

Ignore us, your problems, and we’ll lurk your corners
Dads and Moms with too many bills
They lost the thrills of being alive
All they want to do is sleep.

I want to live like a tree
Very grounded; rooted
Yet my head still in the clouds
So calm in a storm, with just the occasional
snap
Always there,
Always listening,
Always beautiful throughout the seasons

Ignite the flame and light my cigarette
Sometimes I wish we’d never met
You were better from a distance

But who am I kidding?
It’s impossible to fight this feeling
I hope you’re ready for these sparks to fly

Our eyes were locked for that split second
With the strangest thought that we were destined
I smiled because I knew

I sat in silence yet nature was
screaming,
but,
so gently, so subtly
The wind whispered
into my ear
and the crickets sang their sweet lullaby
All was in harmony
underneath the moonlit clouds
And I sat in peace
just basking in nature's sounds

It's funny,
even on our most lonesome nights
we are never truly
alone

This house is full of ears but I can't talk to anyone
They've heard this one a thousand times
Most exciting thing I do
hang half way out a third floor window
maybe throw lit cigarettes down
and maybe I'll catch fire
Something warm to hold me
Something pure to burn away the darkness
that hides inside my mind
All that evil ****'s not hard to find
I guess I only claim to be nice.

I don’t understand you
But I guess that’s half the fun
You keep my on my toes
Always guessing when you’ll run
And then you run

I don’t like the way you treat me
But I guess that’s half the fun
You’re the perfect blend of kind and cruel
And then you’ll leave me when you’re done
But you aren't the only one (I've been left before)

I don’t know what’s going on
But I guess that’s half the fun
You’re good at this tricky game you play
And I’ve been trying not to jump the gun

But I think you’ve already won
You've already won

(I can do it again)

I can't stop thinking about
how good it felt when you had your hands on my face,
your thumbs gently caressing my cheeks
Elation streamed through my veins
and instantly I wanted to see you again.

It's funny that I always saw you around
but never had the chance
to catch your attention,
until fate stepped in and opened a door
Or maybe a tiny window.

I wonder if I'll see you again,
if this universe is as serendipitous
and magical and wonderful
as I wish it to be;
Maybe you're my destiny.

Or maybe I'll never know.

20 weeks and I've fallen
So hard that I have shattered
The butterflies ate me alive
As I realized I never mattered

Outside it’s snowing but my insides are warm
Thanks to the whisky I shouldn’t be drinking
It sits on the counter and whispers my name
Seductively disturbing my pattern of thinking

I puff on my cigarette and stare at the ceiling
And reflect on the ways my life has gone wrong
As I carelessly poison my body with vices
Dosing myself until it’s all gone

Sometimes I wonder why I don’t care
About much at all, really, it’s almost a shame
That after all the time that has come and gone
Not a single thing has changed

Sometimes I’ll just sit and wonder
How
It all came down
To the flip
Of a
Coin

Drops of dew on the window sill in the morning
seep down into my heart
like they know that it's yearning
Next to me you sleep, so precious in the dawn
As the demon inside of me
brings out feelings withdrawn

It's true, my dear
You are so much more beautiful to me
than you think you are

Leaves so effortlessly float
to the ground when they fall
dancing their way to the end of their days
like nothing is wrong at all

I want to be like a leaf
so graceful in the wind
For they live in peace and learn to accept
that all things come to an end
(but then they begin again)

I won't cave
this time around
I've done it enough
and simply
refuse
to live and deal with this abuse
that is dragging
me
down
to the depths of madness
into the abyss alongside Alice
down the rabbit hole
except
there's no way
out
this time around.

Nine weeks and I’m falling
For the way you sigh
When your gaze is locked with mine
Like I’m something worth keeping

Have I made the right decision?
Or have I fallen down the rabbit hole?
Did I recklessly put the keys in the ignition,
When I clearly shouldn't be driving?
[The road will swallow you whole]

Did we jump the gun too quickly?
Did we sign up for this too soon?
Unknowingly signing our lives away,
when the flower's not ready to bloom?

I'm starting to question the decisions I've made,
But now I'm afraid it's just a moment too late.

We can't turn back now,
I guess it's time to put the car in drive,
And hope that we make it out alive
[I hope we make it out alive]

My mind can wander
across the tallest mountains
and through the densest forests
but it always seems to find it's way
right back to you.
The problem is
that I wonder where your mind runs
and if it seems to find me, too.
But maybe your mind climbs the mountains
and travels the forests
and lingers through fields of daisies,
And maybe your mind
just doesn't ever come across
someone like me.

26 and still kicking
I can’t thank anyone
But the universe
That decided
That I’m worth keeping
At least for another day

It’s hard for me to say
How I feel day by day
But it in the long run
We will all be gone
When the time comes

So you work your 9 to 5
But I’ll be alright
I’m not living the best life
But I’ll get by

At least I have the mountains
That are so old
But they get me
And they bring me peace
Among tragedy
Politics, hatred and greed
In the long run it truly doesn’t affect me
But for my nieces and nephews
I hope for release

Dark days will come
But if you look at the moon
You will see
That It’s all just energy
You can not destroy it
Nor will you receive
Energy that
Ceases to be

I never forgave you
Because you lied from the beginning
And then I tried to forgive
-- but instead I resisted
And made all of my decisions out of spite

And now I still can't forgive you
For all the things you've done
You're the reason for these scars
And the woman I've become
I never needed you
But wanted you so bad
Until I realized:
Life's worth more than what you have...
Life's worth more than what we had.

Searching for shooting stars on the hood of my car
Music blaring in the background
Feeling content in the moment
Yet I wish you were back now

Life gets easier the longer you’re gone
But I’ll never forget about the things that went wrong
Sometimes I wish I could fix it
Life isn’t the same without you
In it

I guess I need to have faith that everything happens for a reason
And life changes like the seasons
Fall, spring, summer, winter...
No matter what I just wish you were still here

Almost two years have gone by
Yet I still think about you all the time
Even after you broke that door down
My mind seems to keep wandering
Back around
Sticks and stones
They didn’t break my bones
But the bruises left a permanent scar
On my heart
Now I have to learn how to trust again
Tell me why I’m still wondering
Where you’ve been
Could we begin again?
Hell no
I would never let you back in
Even when you break the door down
On me
I’m still fighting to believe
That there’s better people
But oh, you and your ego
You sure left a mark on me

You sure left your mark on me

Chain smoking in the car
Life’s hard
But I’m livin large
Just tryna make a means
I don’t know what all this means
So all I can do is try to live my life
In the best way, sometimes I know it ain’t right
Bad habits and good times
Just may be the death of me
But all I’m lookin for is the light
Because this world just doesn’t seem right

I know there has to be more
Than simply black and white

Summer’s gone
But was it ever really here?
All the months of white and snow
While the sun was never near.

And who were you?
This shadow in disguise —
Tried to let it happen
But it was just another lie.

There’s nothing left to do
But do what I can
I’ve given my all and lost some more
and in the end
It just leaves off where it began