Maybe I promised myself
To never say
"I have no friends"
Because then I'd sound selfish.

But sometimes
I'd rather not call them 'friends'
Because they seem happy
Without the need to drag me.

Sometimes
I wonder what their life
Would've been
Without me.

Would it have been better?

Maybe I'm too heavy. I'm sorry, then.

My biggest fear,
I realized after drinking,
Was probably
Not being loved the same way I love.

Maybe I was terrified
Of giving too much
That people can't even give me
Even just the slightest love

Or maybe I was scared
Scared that I gave a lot of myself
To others
But they didn't want any.

Maybe I was scared of rejection.

Maybe I'm terrified of being alone
Alone, lost in my thoughts,
Unsafe with myself, and
A high risk of hurting myself.

I hate my self.

It's a wonderful thing, really
To be able to wake up
To be able to get up
To be able to do anything, actually.

Because when it hits you,
Yes, "It",
The dark entity forcing you
Down on your bed,
Its entire mouth, drowning you
As you try to breathe and stay afloat
All to no avail.

It never used to be like this.
It somehow,
managed,
To pull me deeper into the crevices.

And the worst thing is,
No matter how much you try to explain to people
How bad your situation is, trying so hard to float on that dark sea called your thoughts,
They'll simply dismiss it.

But what if
I hadn't called
For help
At all?

a poem at night

Your hands
Intertwined in mine
The feeling of warmth, safety,
And a whole lot of 'paasa'.

Your smile
Directed at me
Dimples showing, eyes twinkling
And a whole lot of 'pakyu'.

Your voice
Laughter filling the air
As your mouth speaks with sweet words and promises;
Also a whole lot of 'sino’ng ginagago mo'.

We wake up, opening our eyes
And basking in the sunlight
Or not; burying ourselves out of sight
And the silence replaced with sighs.

And despite a horrible morning,
We end up chanting a mantra hoping
That somehow the day gets better
Or negativity a tad bit lesser.

As we reach school, we face
Numerous formulas and boards
All with problems in hoards
And an anxiety that stays.

And as class ends our eyes meet
And a smile creeps up to my face
And of course, you never missing a beat
About the heat on my cheeks

But I pretend I feel nothing
Because by the end of the day
I pretend we were something-
No, I’m just another idiot today.

The day you told me
You believed in me
Was the day my brain thought
“I guess I’m not that flawed”

Because you were the guy
Who everyone painted as dangerous
And to be friends with you,
I couldn’t get myself to buy.

I gave you what I thought I could give you:
Thoughts, words, promises
And yet I realized now
How stupid I actually am.

I believed in an us:
Something we could’ve been
I believed I was something, somehow significant
And unfortunately I was wrong.

I can’t write poems
Or sing good enough to be acknowledged
Or draw pictures of what we could’ve been
Or have talent, simply because I can't be your type.

I can’t write poems
Because I’m a complete failure
In typing and scribbling out words
To even create something comprehensive.

I can’t write words
To string up to create a poem
Because I can’t even think straight
Because I can’t think of anything.

I can’t write poems-
No, I don’t write poems
Because I can’t tell you-
No, I love you, I love you, I loved you.

To You

Shade and spiteful
How carelessly I thought
You were better than
Them.

I shouldn't have written this poem
In fear that they think I still think about you
You were a memory, long forgotten
And one I'd rather not recall.

"Do you love me?" No.
Because the sun's still shining
And the Earth is spinning
I did, but now I don't.

"So much that it hurts?" No.
Because I finally managed
To move on
Past the things I used to hold on to.

"That it's scary?" No.
Because I've let go of everything
That included you, me,
And every little thing in between.

"I loved you." That's great.
"You rejected me." That's fine.
"I gave up." Congratulations.
Because I'd hate to have toxic people around me.

How stupid of me
To push people away
Afraid
They might pretend to care but actually don't

How stupid of me
To isolate myself
Destroying an avenue
Where I could've been helped

How stupid of me
To be like this
Attempt to ask for help
But too scared to speak up once helped.

Please
Talk to me
Save me from the monsters
Inside my head

Please
Talk to me
I don't want to die
Trying to fend off my thoughts

Please
Talk to me
Because I can't seem to say anything
Because my mind is louder than my own voice

Please
Talk to me
This is a desperate cry
Begging you to save me from myself.

The thing is
Will I matter
Even if
No one sees me?

The thing is
Will I be heard
Even if
No one chooses to hear me?

The thing is
If I let myself be drowned
By my own thoughts
Will anyone save me?

I'm sorry
For breaking my promise
Of not hurting myself
Ever again.

I'm so sorry
For being the blade
That cuts through
Myself, bleeding, thoughts whispering

I'm so sorry
For not being
The perfect person
You've always wanted.

And I'm sorry
For existing
If all you ever wanted
Was for me to vanish in the first place.

I'm too tired
Too tired to open my eyes
To a world
Where peace remains an ideology.

I'm too tired
Too tired to argue
And share my opinions
Because I forgot it didn't matter.

I'm too tired
Too tired to walk in a life
Where I constantly battle myself
Myself, and all these wounds and scars.

I'm too tired
Too tired to try and speak up
When people around me tell me my problems are nothing
And I end up melting ever so painfully from the inside.

And I'm too tired
To even wake up and start the day
Despite everything that has happened
Because why would I matter?

What am I
To a million people
Whose names are numbers
Waiting to be counted?

What am I
Other than a mispronounced name
And a character of no value
Who often becomes forgotten?

What am I
Aside from being a drunken thought
Whose name you scream
And whose heart wrenches at your drunken sight?

What am I
When I become frustrated
At how much I love you
But can't find the right words to say?

What am I
To you
When all I've ever been used to being
Is nothing?

No matter the spotlight and attention
Or the sea of applause
Or the congratulations from everyone
You still think I don't matter.

No matter what performance I do
Or show I make
Or the difference it makes
I still do not matter.

No matter
What talent I have
If I wasn't him
I'll never be good enough.

What is this feeling
Of longing for
Your presence
And the safety that comes with it

What is this feeling
Of wanting
Everything and nothing
All at once

What the actual ****
Am I doing
Writing out how I feel
When I'm too afraid to tell you honestly

Why do I
Fear the risks
And hide myself
Despite knowing how much I feel?

11:02pm

"Goodnight".
The most consistent lie I ever say
When I pretend to sleep
But all I can do is lie awake thinking and thinking.

Why am I still up
In a corner of a room in darkness,
Headphones blasting silence
My thoughts louder than the world.

Static noise filled with jargon
Nothing
A computer screen sitting quietly
And a kid whose mind is on the run.

For an audience
Of hues and shades
Of a sea of black and gray
Don't devour me

For a mind
Of palettes that tear mentally
Of violent reds and loud violets
Don't scare me

For a piece I'll never perform
Because of how scared I am
To battle myself and the world
Don't forget me

Please, I beg you
With all my strength
And all of my will
Don't touch me

Your hands touch me
In places where it shouldn't be
I'm terrified yet no one can see
I can't speak up, help me

As I step out into the world
A starry night sky greets me
And for some reason
I bump into you

And there, you apologized
Thinking you did something
That I would've been mad about
But no, all I wanted was affection

And there, you told me
How you asked her how she felt
And if she could reciprocate your feelings
And if you had a chance

And you pretended I was her
As you told your story, back hug
As you gently face me, another hug
And then and there, I felt confused

I saw you today.
You two didn't talk
And seemed like strangers
But I knew better.

I saw you today.
You were still handsome
Attractive, oddly
And charming.

I saw you today.
I still like you.
But I know my feelings
Were nothing to you.

I'm alone again.
Not literally,
But mentally alone.
Trying to battle my thoughts.

I'm lost again.
Not literally,
But emotionally lost.
Staring blankly, dejectedly, at my reflection.

For some reason,
The nights get colder,
The days get hotter,
But we weren't getting better.

For some reason,
You weren't happier,
We saw each other lesser,
And you found someone better.

It was always like this, anyway.
I was alone with my thoughts.
Anxiety, doubt, worry.
But all you said was 'Sorry'.

I don't miss you.
I just think of your voice.
I just think of what could've been.
I don't miss you, I just long for you.

How pathetic of me
To write poems and string up words
When those same words
Are the reason why my soul bleeds.

How despicable of me
To talk to a phone
Simply because
I just don't belong.

I've always been
The rock
Underneath the gems;
Nothing but a barrier to others.

I'm always the ugly duck;
An eyesore
But follows the group
Even if I don't belong

I'm never special
Nor unique,
Nor interesting.
And yet I pretend to be.

I'm too scared to say something
In case the world hears
How pathetic I sound
And criticizes me again.

Face the mirror,
Insecurities.
No one sees it
But I gained weight.

'You're thin enough'
But not for me
I'm terrified of all the fats
I have left in my body

Sit-ups, planking, I am never good enough.
I'm scared, always scared
Of those digits that show up
Whenever I weigh up.

For some reason,
I'm never good enough.
My biggest enemy
Is just me, and myself.

What am I to you?
Ugly. Insecure.
Disgusting. Pathetic.
Exists only when you need me.

Flowers grow where she walks
But you grow thorns and thistles
I don't hate you.
I just miss the 'better, kinder' you.