Everything I know I have assumed.

A sense of shame and humility, bewilderment.  I don’t know where to start.

Everything is a gift! In some capacity or another - it wasn’t ours to begin with.

Is it just my nature? Is that what I owe to history? Assumption?

I don’t want to participate if it has to be this is how we “behave”.

Yet my pain is so intense when I have to go without these addictions I’ve adapted myself to be born into.

I know no other way. Every path has led me back to this conclusion. I fight and lose my fury. I run but I can’t escape. I eat but am never satiated. My CALM is a sense of unrest.

But I keep you, and I feel you will always be with me.

Writing my suicide note with my one unconscious hand and shooting me with the other.

A sicko ****** fantasy. I’m sure you could bet on it. Just put it on my tab!

Sometimes I want to do something reckless while thinking about you

I know that it's selfish of me, but I don't want to have to miss you

I wish that I could say for certainty that you'll be there  when I arrive, but what if I don't?

I want to walk a tight rope with my eyes closed

I know you'll be with me

I feel you in my tears as I take my final steps toward the edge

The time is right for me here.

I'm with you now.
It's been too long

My friend.

Where have you been?
I love you!

My mom always used to say if you don't have anything nice to say then say

An echo in time reverberating reaches me again and again - - louder each succession

The silhouette of a suicide splatters the pavement just over my shoulder

-A piece of trash to be thrown away.

But disregard this dismissal, I'm still with you now.

This stain's presence is undeniable though, you know this has to happen eventually...

I feel as though the truth itself is captive in all this, for to speak it's name is to summon it's awful presence.

-A punishable offense to be met with seizure and entrapment in the name of greater good (Bah!)

Tell me though, who gave you the right to take the right away from me?

Perhaps one day you'll learn to understand this; that not all choices are given, some are simply ****** upon you.

The option is optional, but the choice is not given.

Glass ticking like cold plastic

My fingers thrum hopelessly in the hopes of drumming up a solution to a problem with an issue of loss.

This dilemma has found me at the end of my rope and I fear the knots in my stomach are only getting tighter as I squeeze you closer to me now.

Why can't I help me?

I won't let you do it for me.

But must I force feed you the truth?

I'm not hungry for this day any more. Fighting this sickness, I choke back another spoonful of medicine...
--And what am I supposed to do now then?!

Frustration consumes me.
I am bile. The emptiness inside, that fills me with rot.

I'm hollow!!

Somebody save me from myself!   I want to self-destruct and not be okay anymore.

I want to fly a Subaru into the sun on fire.
I'm just so ******.

Just leave me behind and maybe I can decompose into something useful and that actually wants to be here and maybe after that I can finally float away from here...

Wouldn't that be okay?
Why should I have to stay.

I never belonged here any way.

What do you mean come to the wake?

Aren't you coming over still?

I thought you had a show next week...

Wasn't that you on the phone the other day?

When did we last speak?

Was it in good context as I remember it was?

I just can't conceive to believe that you're not.

How can I come to your wake when I'm still only dreaming?

Who will I go with?

Surely not you...

It couldn't be.

I just won't believe. I'm not going to leave.

I can't be at a wake for a man that hasn't died yet...

I simply refuse to believe.

I want to tell you not to get too close -  Not because I'm worried I will hurt you, but because I'm worried that I myself am hurting you.

Insidiously.

Bleeding you, while I **** me - - Making you suffer instead of me.



I wish silently,  against my will, that you would leave.
Abandon my pretty eyes and see me without my disguise.


I don't want you to have to decide whether, or not, it would be right.

As the air escapes my innards,  I exaust a sigh most listlessly foul.

It is not the last breath that we will share this day... But I wish that it was.

Turns out the joke's on me yet again...
Monsters don't really disappear when the light comes on.
And they don't hide when you shine the light on them either.

No. Instead they rise up. They grow to fill the space that was created by spotlighting them and become ready-


To be the star of a show that you helped to curate.






I thought for certainty that talking to you about my depression would somehow alleviate it in some way...
           
                             but it didn't...

I actually feel more like I'm recessing further since we spoke about this

Like I just let the demons out to run a muck instead of putting them down  to rest.

So instead of hurting me when I'm alone, it happens any time now.
When ever it likes

                               It  feeds



and I feel it eating me...
                                              
                 ­ and I want it to
-

I have suicidal depression--
                                        and no,  I don't want to tell you about it.

I'd rather hide it from you (if I could)
And bury it the way you might do with someone you once loved

Maybe sharing their pain if only just for the moment...

I don't want you to sympathize with me either. It's not that kind of sad I'm afraid..

I need this to hurt me, because if it doesn't I won't learn that it isn't okay to feel this way.

A long and outlasting life will be my punishment for this.  I will die in valour and bury this axe where cessation lies dormant

Never to be shared with you

My sickness fully contained.  I will vanquish this demon inside myself.

I will starve before it feeds. I solemnly swear this exorcism on your behalf.

You will never know

My pain.

Sell your life for their coins, their papers and their lies    
   
Tell yourself the week is nearly over when climb into bed and die    
   
Sell your soul for a cheque    
   
Your hard earned life    
   
An hour for a couple bucks...    
   
Seems fair right?    
   
Building a pyramid we will never live long enough to rest in    
   
Breaking your back as the working class hero...    
   
This ball and chain keeping me captive to this horror show that only plays repeats of your favorite B-movies    
   
Always ready to be replaced by the next worst season of "Friends"    
   
I am trapped    
   
Bound by that which I am forced to see and taste and touch    
   
Compelled by this meaningless reality to go on existing under the confines of a life built on our forefathers' lives    
   
Selling ourselves to "the man" like blind, impotent and ******* ******    
   
A slave for hire

I feel at times that my stance is awkward...  

I lean precariously from one foot to the other  
 
Tilting slightly higher as I lean in Pisa's wake  
 
Seemingly uncertain of whether to fall or stand, I rest here for a moment and crane the distance between the ground and me.  
 
Hopeful yet motionless,  star-struck in limbo  
 
Waiting for.a breeze to brush past or even stop and say "Hello"  
 
But I fear that if it did, I might just float away...  
 
Carried on high like dust in the wind  
 
No longer rooted to the ground

I take off!   It's time to go!    (for good this time)  
 
I am finally free.  

I  lift off  without a sound

It is in this moment of shame that I am most dishonoured

I can physically hear the folds of my clothing rumple as I collapse into the sidewalk of my mind-- skull fragments reverberating off the backs of my teeth and echoing dully in the absence of mind.

Silently and absently, I will expire -- My final call

Again

              
                 and


                               Again


I will die here...
                               Even if only just in a dream

Do not consider this an extension of myself...

This particular mode of communication is nothing more then a carrier pigeon to me.

I don't think I Can help myself any more...
I'm just hardwired this way

I wish there was more to it but I just keep proving myself wrong. There is no bottom

It just keeps going

Maybe I should toss a stone(r)
                                    Down...
            ­                                       and...
                                                                ­  
                                                              se­e...  
                                                          ­                
                                                ­                        just how...

                                                         ­                             far...

                            ­                                                                 ­     it...

                                                     ­                                                      falls...

Maybe it'll hit rock bottom?

I want to walk away

To just walk out

And go so far away that when any of you realise that I'm gone it will already be too late to follow me

No footprints in the snow left to track...

I want to be gone from here-- To be free

Or maybe just.... %$#!!!!

                                      ...Never mind

Fading in static,
I vanish from speculation entirely

I am ethereal

I slip through a closed door phantomous -- My driving need absolved

              I am cured (Temporarily)

Dead in my own eyes and abandon in my mind

I pass voicelessly through the terminal - - unrecognised

I am more alive then a lifetime of living

Exuberant; I erupt with silent joy that gushes from my open chest cavity

Evacuating the pavement
                       -
washing away organically

My love is like magic.
If you don't believe in it,
It will not exist
It will not be gone...
                           
It will simply-- Cease to be.

Moving with the flow of the motion I can sense the disturbance as it ripples silently across my ceiling

Jaded and effortless

It leaves my sight seeing me farther then my eyes will permit me to.

Observing me
                                            

                ­        -Omnipotently-



Keen eyed. Faceless and brazen.
               It mocks me with open contempt

Daring me to lean out and touch it
Instantly ready to be ripped away

Gratified by my indignity.

Cackling haggishly,

I sense the word ***** cross your lips momentarily before biting your tongue.

I want to wretch but worry it would only deepen your delight...

You enjoy watching me squirm don't you?

                                                   ...Father


Can you hear me now?
                        Calling out to you again...

Tirelessly I am searching

Reaching for another answer or something else that makes sense

A self-fulfilling prophecy - I shoot myself in the face

Unavoidable

Desolate and Worthless.

I am the source of my deepest grief

An obsession and fixation that can not be shaken.

I am forsaken

Lost

It is the only path that I choose

My muse - I may never let this go

With me in my dreams forever
"I will be scarred for life"

So here I wait

Waiting for what seemed like ever

In a room just as equally boring and lifeless as the floor design

It was a grey concrete slab... With a tarnished boot-scuff finish

Almost as foreboding as the fifteen or more empty chairs that had surrounded me

The coffee stand adjacent to me is a drunk!

It could barely stand on it's own two feet

"Clearly the obvious choice for human example" I thought to myself

What a surprise that we should me in a place so...  "Quaint?"

I'm simply Gushing with delight--Or maybe boredom

I haven't yet decided

In the corner there was a sailboat, that I had missed at first glance

(Perhaps the most well defined specimen of us all)

Dressed in what must have been the finest craftsmanship!
--Which was duly noted by the sneakers...

That stood awkwardly to the side of it

It seemed as though none of us there truly belonged but just as I had reached waning attention--

NEXT!

My workday had begun

I wish I could of captured the contentment that you showed to me

Or even just still-framed it in my mind...



So I could look back and reflect upon it and see how you used to be contented in me
As I once was contented in you

Balloons without strings to hold them will always fly away

The worst part about it is I'm still not even 100% certain that this dream will not come to fruition

And it scares me to think that every time it starts to breech the horizon I still wonder if I will see the light of dawn...

Let me taste the smouldering ashes of your regret

I want you to feel me burning this time

Just a whiff just will not cut the mustard this day..

I need to know your sorry but not through your words or your actions

I want it to be sewn to my life ****** so I can show the world how I've been wronged.

I need to stumble this time for real, coughing air too intoxicated to breathe and spit blood I know for certainty could not of been my own.

To paralyse this fear in me and finally have something to call my own




This moment


"I wanted to breathe smoke"

Don't expect a call this year

Or the next one or even the one that follows...

I'm hanging up

My phone is disconnected


(and I am too)


Good riddance

It has little to do with the light that changes our view.
Playing tricks on our eyes is it's surrender.
It gives away it's position to us-- while we stand looking in the wrong direction entirely (almost perpetually)



Dumb-Struck it seems...

Until  we close our eyes (we convince ourselves) "I will struggle", "I can't see", "I won't find love"

But the answer, my friend, I give to you:
Be free.
I will love you.
And you can see anything, if all you want to be is "me"

I reveal to you strength from within.
Now





                                    
           ­                             just





                          ­                                                                 ­  Breathe.

Sometimes...

I don't know where I am

                                                             ­                                       Sometimes...

I laugh until I cry and then laugh some more

 Sometimes...

I wonder when or if I will find new direction

                                                      ­                                                 Sometimes...

I help out a complete stranger for no good reason at all
                                                             ­                                 
Sometimes...

I contemplate how much I value my own life
 
                                                         ­                                             Sometimes...

I make someone else's day significantly better
                                                      ­      
Sometimes...

I don't feel the light inside of myself

                                                         ­                                           Sometimes...

I day dream for what seems like hours on end with absolutely no consequence what so ever
                                                            ­                                  
Sometimes...

I forget important things easily and as a result don't always follow through with what I say and what I do...
                                                           ­                                  Sometimes...

I arrive in the nick of time to save the day
                                                           ­                                 
Sometimes...

I don't show up to somebody's final event and as a result miss the opportunity entirely
                                                        ­                                     Sometimes...

I reach out to people who need it

                                                             ­                               
Sometimes...


I let myself go






But no matter how the time weathers my bones I MUST NOT allow this sickness to entomb my vessel. I was born FREE--a child of the earth and sun. I take flight upon the crest of the dawn and fade ethereally with the passing of dusk.




                                              Sometimes...­








**I Float Away

She beckons to see me come to her but runs away when she's seen I've done so...

Some people really fancy yellow hair..

But

        
               I?



                        .  




                           ­          .

                     Could Care Less

No offense but the way you immediately assume my life is better then yours really bothers me a lot..

And I'm not afraid to speak my mind like some other people...

I'm sorry you took my opinion so personally

But I never meant it as a direct insult on you as a human being...

I was doing my very best to be gentle with your feelings, but your barrage of negativity just wore me down..

I tried to stay positive for both of us but you flipped your lid and wouldn't calm down or listen to reason..

I tried to help you back out of the roadway but what could stop you from doing damage to yourself??

Clearly not my good intentions..

So if you won't forgive me then perhaps you will leave me-- In peace.

Before any real damage ever needs to occur.

I'm not putting up with you just because you acted out like a child.

That's childish.
And I won't condone that.