I'm using the wrong things to fight what needs to be fought on my own.
I think this depression was always there but it just triggered with what happened between us. Even though we aren't talking you still keep me up at night. I don't really cry anymore but that doesn't make me less sad. I feel alright now but I know at any given moment I could break down.

It's not the worst thing
to be alone
Oh no
the worst thing
is to be around
the people that are
your so called
friends
and still feeling
alone

Don't tell me
that I am too good for you
We didn't take the time
to get to know our demons

Oh
The emptiness
I feel
When in this world
we strive to be perfect
and when people say
that's what you've got
you're still alone
the world is confusing
is it not?

Someday I will show you
all the words I write
and that is how
you know I love you

But it's okay
I am always
only accompanied
by my thoughts

I'm careful
how I am around
people

It's tiring to try and be
the way I think
people want me to be

When it's time for me
to be me
I don't know
how to be

there is no me

Memories are alive
If you don't dumb them
With pain
It's a trap
Those memories were true
They were pure
Don't infect them
By an injection

"Every body has a story"

That's what they have said
I sat wondering what is my story
my head was striving for that one
inspirational story
that they would applaud for
because their success from point A to point B
was so out of this world because they were able
to stretch from their rock bottom all the way to the moon
and all the stars and back

I wondered if I had to pretend
to create a rock bottom
so I could rise to the top
even though I don't have a story

Then I hit
I hit the bottom hard at that moment
because I realized that I made myself believe
I had no worth because
I didn't have something important to tell
I felt no worth
and that is my story

I am here today to start creating my life
because stories don't just come to you
you have to create them

I have a wish
I wish everybody had a blank face
until we come to the point
that we know we genuinely love them
so we would not base our love for one another on appearance
but on our inward display

No one is stopping you
Just live your life
The only person stopping you
is the voice in your head

People feed him false information
and he will scream it until you believe its true
once you believe is true
this is where the destruction in the world is born
people are living false lives
because they are living out the lies
they believed to be true

I will embrace my imperfections
because that is what makes me different
I don't want to be the same cookie cuter
stereotypical teenage adolescent
I will make my own memories

I wrote a letter and saved it in my back pocket instead
I knew I would then forget about it
and it would eventually be washed again and again
The letter contained every last detail I was thinking
Every nook and cranny

This is what the letter said:
You dig trenches into her heart
being flooded with your intention
contaminated by your hate
You see her suffering
you don't care to reach a hand
to pull her out of the waters
leaving her to down in your lies
that you've made become a reality
The heart
is a symbol of love
your heart is for your survival
but you create her heart in your vision
and your image
of her fate
You decide her heart is to be left
twisted and washed up
cleansed in the filth and dirt
of you sick mind
You tell her these lies
this is the only way for you to survive
feasting off of the anxiety
you create for others
You leave a path of misery
to rise to your claim of victory
but I wont let the devil win.

I don't know what it had meant at that moment
but I knew when I wrote that letter
that it was really for me

Now I am left to dismember those words

I believe in nothing
not the stars
and not the earth

I believe in nothing
not the oceans
and not the people

I believe in you
and me
something.
it was okay
I should have taken
more time

You sat me down
I was so young
the look in your eyes
flickered with pain
searching for the words
to describe the disease
to your little girl
shes unable to understand
the seriousness
the pain

I visit you in the hospital
I receive the good news
the contrast
between the good and bad
was immune to me
I didn't know what the disease
was capable of
it was capable of changing my life
forever

I curled up next to you that night
I dozed off on the hospital bed
blessed to have my Father.

I walk
through the halls
through the crowds

I listen
its tiring to haul
the mounds
of regret

I see one face
and another
surrounding me

I remember
the memories
why did it go bad?

I hear
the voices
the ones that once
called my name
in laughter
in tears

You think I'm oblivious
You tell me I'm stupid
you think it's okay

You think I don't know
what you think of me
to notice what you say
and you leave the words
on display

I don't hear what you say
but I can see the hatred
it suffocates the air

It pollutes me
not only does
it affect me
but it affects others

It mutilates the people
who stay around you
they become immune
to your pollution

They breath in your
hate filled air
and become permitted
to your profanation

You suffocate me
and you don't even
seem to care

Please let me go
I cant bare the words
lingering in the air