i have never hated
addiction more than
i do right in this very moment

i am confused
i am crying
underneath that all
i can hear you
in the back of my mind
telling me not to cry
and making me laugh

i am angry
i am hurt
why did you have to leave
why did you have to go

please
please
come back

i use to think
i slit my wrists
in hopes
i would forget
the emotional pain
and just focus on
the physical

i use to think
if i starved my body
for days on end
resulting in seizures
from my diabetes
the pain of hunger
would no longer
rumble within my bones

all those years
thinking i did it
as a distraction
but really

it was a way
to no longer be numb
to no longer be hollow
to remind myself that
i am allowed to f e e l

where do i begin?
how do i begin?
you turned a stone cold girl
who was afraid to feel
even an ounce of anything
into
a woman who felt everything
so deeply and strongly
i begged you each night
to leave me because i was petrified
of the things you made me feel
of the way you made me trust you
you never left
not even when i begged you to
you didn't leave til now
i waited for you to let me down
and you never ******* did
you never let me down
do you know how frustrating that is?
do you know how hard this is for me now?

and now i am here
a bit better put together
than you once knew me

thank you
for your kind love
for your pure soul
for your passionate self

i will love you forever

i am
sick and tired
of being left
of not being enough
of ******* hurting
so badly i bleed
out of my hands and throat

i am
sick and tired
of false hope
of telling myself
everything will be okay

i think i'll turn
to the dark side
for a bit
maybe happiness
just is not meant for me
in this lifetime
and i give up

            t r y i n g
            to fight for it

round and round
we all go

spinning
like lifeless teacups
at an abandoned amusement park

i am trying
to fake a smile
like everyone else

but
I want to scream
I want to run
I want to hide

why is everyone the same
why is no one laughing
why is this place so cold


why do I feel like i am dying

we fight
day after day
night after night

poison spilling
from our fingertips
poison spilling
from our mouths

when will
i finally be
enough for you

will it ever happen
in this lifetime

or are we
just fantasizing
about something
that will never
happen

i think i love him
even when
he gaslights me
into believing what he believes

i think i love him
even when
he gets so drunk
he can’t remember what happened the night before

i think i love him
even when
he moans another woman’s name during ***

i think i love him
even when
he raises his hand to my face

i thought i loved him
but it was all in my head

i dont know what to do.
i love him.
he has taught me so much about love.
about what i need in a partner.
about how i want to be treated.
he has taught me that i can trust.
he has taught me i can be soft.
he has held me in times where i was broken.
he has pieced me back together.
fragment by fragment.
he has supported me emotionally.
he has always made sure to communicate with me.

why am i feeling different now?
why does he keep saying he will try harder?
when he has not seen me in 3 weeks?
when we spent everyday together prior?
when he decides to be lazy?

i dont know what to do
i am crying
i am exhausted
i dont know what to do

the day we are born
we put love in a box
a shiny bright perfect box
one that is untouched
by pain and deception

as time goes on
the box becomes
thrown on the ground
set on fire
dropped deep into
the depths of despair
locked away for years
hidden in the dark

for no one to find or touch
this box goes through hell
burnt, cracks all across the sides
it has been kicked, it has been smashed

but eventually we
find that one soul
the key to open
what the others try to find
it opens after a few tries
of turning the key
left then right
then left one more time

we put love in a box
to be found
to be earned
to be given
to be loved
we put love in a box

you think i am
a woman who
is okay
with being left
in the dark

my my
are you
wrong

you think you can
hurt me
but
oh
baby
only i can
hurt me

    now stay the **** away

my entire life
i have been using
my body

to get what i want
to manipulate situations
to numb my own mind
to feel in control

then somehow you

Nektarios
the patron saint
for those suffering
of heart troubles
along with many more

warmed me
at your first touch
warmed me
at your first sight

my cold heart
the one that was always
sharp around the edges
so sharp that people
would bleed out

yet not you

you gave me light
you gave me hope
you gave me love

you made me softer
you made me kinder

i thank you Nektarios

when i was 7 years old
i found myself
angry
not knowing
how to communicate

i took a pen
to my opisthenar
making the pen
crush my skin

bruising
and
bleeding

my mother
put ice on it
telling me
it would
one day be okay

maybe thats how
i became
who i am today

bruising, bleeding
my emotions
just to ice them out
and not feel a thing

whispering
to
myself

     one day it will all be okay

sitting here
in the rain
trying to
keep myself
calm

thinking of
all the lies
you fed me
from the palm
of your hand

thinking of
the broken promises
you had no problem
washing away

thinking of
all of the pain
you have sent me
away with

thinking of
how you can not
even bring yourself
to say

i'm sorry

i never really
believed in love
if we are being honest here
i only believed in two souls
connecting on this earth
to a certain point

but never true love
heart warming love
soft tender love

not until
you

you sat there with me
the first few months
of meeting
you sat on the side
of the road at 3 am
and hugged me

you told me
that no matter what
happened in this life
everything will be okay

call me stupid
but i realized the next morning
that is all i have ever wanted to hear
since i was 7 years old

that everything
was going to be okay

who would have thought
those 6 words would be
the key to open my      
                                         h e a r t

as a child
my parents
kept me

well mannered
well traveled
they have given me
an abundance
of materialistic
objects

but

that is all
anything
ever was
an object

maybe
that is why
i cannot
connect to people

because we are

all just objects

i loved you
from the bottom
of my hollow
heart

i loved you
from the bottom
of my ice cold
heart

i loved you
from the bottom
of my ravished with trauma
heart

i loved you
with every
fiber of my beating
heart

but
i do not love you anymore

how could i?

if i am being honest
i did not think
i was capable of feeling loss
from a lover

i always left
before they could
even think of leaving

but you left

if i am being honest
i did not realize
i felt this way at first
about you

it was not until
i was ordering mcnuggets
that you always ordered

it was not until
i realized i started falling
asleep by hugging myself

it was not until
i realized it has been weeks of silence
yet i wake every morning waiting for a text

it was not until
i realized the best parts of my day
are what i want to tell you all about

it was not until
i realized i was craving
your soft gentle touch on my skin

it was not until
the nightmares would come and i would wake in panic
wanting you to hold me

i am sorry
i miss you

we grow up
watching movies
of the princess
marrying the
brave sweet prince
and
they live
happily every after

but

what if that
is not all
what if the princess
wants more
what if the princess
does not feel the same
way years later

they teach us
when we find
the one we love
to marry them
and live happily ever after

but

what they
do not teach
is
when
is it time to
walk away
and
leave this
chapter

                  behind

i want to scream
of aggravation
of this life
of always coming
so ******* close
to the thing
i want so badly

to never getting it
to having it thrown in my face
to trying so hard
to nothing ever in my favor

i want to scream
i am tired
i am weak
i have lost my voice


i want to scream

i have always
trusted you
i have always
listened to you

i never
second guessed you
i never
told anyone
how hurt i was
when you told me

i kept a happy face on
now i am built up with
all of this pain

this *******
added pain

all i do is hurt
i bleed pain
i ache pain

i cant do this anymore

i am sitting here
on my living room floor
crying
begging
praying
to have a chance
with you again

I am not so sure
I ever believed in a God
up until now

please
give me a chance
I beg you
please

if there is a god
somewhere far away
how does he
make these choices
how does he
take life from us
how does he
decide what is bad

if there is a god
somewhere far away
i hope he hears
my screams tonight
i hope he sees the hurt
in my chest

if there is a god
somewhere far away
how can he be so cruel

i was 7 years old
when my world
came crashing down

what was once
a life filled
with color
with light
with happiness
with love

turned
dark
cold
sharp
dull

i have been fighting
the last 19 years
to fight back
to get her back
to feel again

i was just a child
when everything
was taken from me
without my consent

i will make her proud
i will be okay again
i will love again
i will be gentle again

i was just a
                     c h i l d

how am i suppose
to sit here
when the one that i love
is in a city rained with tears
how am i suppose to do
nothing but sit and wait
in the dark abyss

i have always loved change
i have never had a fear of the unknown

but my god
this

this hurts more than
any heartbreak
this hurts more than
any medical procedure
this hurts more than
any loss i have endured

how am i suppose to help the one that i love

tell me
please

do i love London
so much due to
nobody knowing
what has happened
to me here

where i can
act like i had
the perfect upbringing
where i can
pretend to not
know pain and suffering

or maybe

i love London
so much
because you have
shown me a new
way to look
at life and our trajedies

to not be ashamed
of them
to feel everything
as it comes

to relinquish control

i have lost
count of the
knives in my throat

choking on
every word
as i try
to explain
how i feel

i swear

i was better
at this before

i think i dissociate
most of my life
ever since i was 7
if i cannot feel anything
how can it hurt me

but

what if i want to
feel everything again
how do i get that back
i am

lost

my whole life
i have never
spent more
than 3 months
within one place
or staying
with one person

always running from
emotions
always running from
comfort

then you
oh you

you came into
my life
like a freight train
loud and conducted

you came into
my heart
like an atomic bomb
loud and destructive

not the bad kind though
not the bad kind of destructive
not the bad kind of second guessing

the kind where
you call me out
for questioning
the rhythm of people’s voices

the kind where
You make me laugh
the hardest when all I feel
like is crying

the kind where
in a room filled with people
you are the only single soul
i look for

i always wondered
if i was capable
of loving and caring
for someone more
than my 7 year old self

it was not until
you entered this realm
Isla Kay

that you have shown me emotion
you have taught me
that i can cry
that i can scream
that i can laugh

if i am being honest Isla Kay

i never really thought i would heal
my 7 year old self
i have always thought i would just get by

but
watching life through your eyes
has made life worth living again

i thank you
for your 3 years on this earth
for showing me more love
than i have ever felt for myself


  -thank you for showing me how to live, how to be accepting, how to be apologetic, how to feel joy, how to feel again. I love you.

my mother asked me
over the summer
after one too many
gin and tonics
after dancing below
the bright chilly moon

how do you know
this man is different

instantly
before i could even think
the words came out

i would take
every last inch of his pain
carry the pain on my back
carry him on my back
run through the forest of thorns
swim through the nothern sea
if it meant he would
smile at the top of the mountain
while the sun rose again

that is how i know this love is different
that is how i know this love is genuine
that is how i know this love is real