I was in my bed, thinking
about what had happened the previous night.
Just him & I,
or was it a dream?
A nightmare so dark,
that it left on me a permanent mark.
 
It was too horrifying to be a reality,
that it robbed me of my sanity.
Why did he do that to me?
Even though I screamed,
even though I begged him to stop,
even though I said no,
I begged him to let me go.
 
But he didn’t.
 
I can still feel his body pressing against mine,
I can still hear him say “shh, quite” from time to time.
He slid his hand under my shirt & up my skirt,
& oh lord he was such a pervert.
He explored my body as if his own,
he went places where I didn’t want him to go.
 
Why did he?
Weren’t my words clear to him?
It was like he couldn’t get enough.
I was a game to him,
which he liked to play rough & tough.
 
He was sadistic & dominant,
he was fiendish & relentless.
The disgust I felt is something I cannot explain,
something I won’t forget.
I need to be set free,
from this agonizing pain.

This incident has consumed me.
Made me lose faith,
made me lose trust,
as I felt severely violated.
My body feels violated.
It doesn’t feel like my own.
 
He left me in the blues,
he left my body bruised,
& my soul wounded,
my mind hurts too.
So I need to ameliorate,
the memory of that day,
that he made me rue.
 
For what has happened has happened,
I've got to move on,
from this tormenting incident,
which most won’t understand.
Which most won’t believe.
& I know I’ll be blamed for it,
even though I am the victim here,
as victim blaming will never disappear.
 
I’ve been left with permanent scars
That cannot heal,
emotionally & physically,
but this is something with what I have to deal.
  
One thing that I’ve learned is that I need to be careful,
& I need to be aware,
to protect myself from all the cruelty out there.
 
As it is my fault not his.
But why am I getting accused?
Of this abuse,
even though I had already refused,
even though I had said no,
yet he never stopped.
& yet I was blamed,
for no mistake of my own.
 
So I guess that there is nothing that I can do,
& nothing that I can say.
But these new descended demons in my head,
need to be tamed.

Maybe hope is just an illusion,
a mirage,
which prevents us from seeing the reality,
fooling us to believe that its actually there,
fooling us to believe that it'll actually help,                                
but it's all a lie,                                                             ­   
a lie so white,
as if like snow,
that falls on you,
giving you a glimpse of happiness,
just a tick of satisfaction,
but soon it melts,
drowning you in a puddle,
a puddle of fake hope and expectations,
a puddle of fake happiness and flustering sensations.
And that is when you'll realize,
that hope is nothing but a clean white lie.

I think that I’m going crazy,
as all my thoughts are unclear and hazy,
the incident was a nightmare so dark,
that it left on me a permanent mark.
 
She was my guardian,
she was my best friend,
my mother was one in a trillion,
on whom I could always depend.
 
No one can ever take her place,
a mother will always hold a special spot in your heart,
even though she's been gone now for months and days,
yet it feels like this is just the start.
 
I can’t stop crying,
I see her everywhere,
to reach out to her is what I am trying,
but oh she is not really there.
 
I feel as if I’m dying from inside,
people all around try to bring me comfort,
but it’s like all the flowers around me have died,
and their comforting words seem to me as useless as the dirt.
 
I am missing her so much,
it’s beyond my capability to explain,
the memory of my mom's soft and gentle touch,
is something with me that will always remain.
 
I am numb,
I feel empty,
weightless such as a falling leaf,
the very leaf that settled on my mother’s grave,
that lies now in front of me.

After all she was my mother,
no one can understand how I feel,
I can lament all summer,
but this is something from what I have to heal.

Sometimes you might feel blue,
Sometimes you might want to give up,
You might not have a clue for what to do,
Due to the tough situation as such.

But one thing you need to remember
Is to keep your head up high
Even if you can't keep yourself together,
get up again and don’t forget to try.

Optimism is hope,
Hope is inner strength,
Inner strength leads to perseverance,
With which you can reach extreme lengths.

Don’t forget that you might fall down,
In the perilous process of a beautiful success,
But stand back up and don’t look around,
As looking back will only cause distress.

You are a human,
Yes you make mistakes,
But these are the blunders that help you learn,
By making you realize that what it takes.

Challenges are faced by all,
As the path to success doesn’t come easy,
Yet you have the potential to overcome them,
Because you have the capability.

The path might be rough,
You'll think you wont make it through,
As the situation is tough,
But so are you.

So just live life to the fullest,
have the time of your life,
Enjoy every moment,
as no matter what,
At the end You will thrive.
                                                                           ~Parin Bindle XI-i