You're on my mind
You're on my mind
Taking my time
And draining my sight
What I would do to forget you
And move on
Past your indifference to my plight

And I'll never forgive you
For what you've caused
Because I don't believe you'll ever
Come to care
And I'll never forgive you
Because look at you continuing on your way
Leaving me to my disrepair

My eyes are left distantly staring
You aren't who you claim yourself to be
Oh how I wish you'd be rid from my life
Oh how you tarnish my memory

And I should have seen it coming,
Your mother of the same tongue;
How she would have whispered throughout your upbringing,
How she would raise you to be a spineless snake
Oh how I wish you shut your mouth
Rid the world of your poison
- and you had a chance,  you had a chance
Had the chance to open your mouth,
Why couldn't you save me the heartache
And leave me with a sane memory of the youth I had

Twisted traitorous tormentful tactless two-face
Oh how I wish you'd opened your mouth sooner
Saved me my time
And let me leave sooner
You had your chance, but you chose to lead me on
And then ****** your nonsense over me
As if I was the treachery
Oh how I wish you could hear yourself
Oh how I wish you could process a single syllable's worth of weight of the words you said
And yet what should I expect;
Brain attached at the spine, and so missing by genetic defect

And oh how I'm left with your words
Left with everything you said
I hope you're happy,
As much as my wish to see you again

And as time flows on
Like sand falling through my fingers
My skin lines with wrinkles
And your path lingers
Turns away
Our growing shadows hinder
Hold onto our shoulders
Until they pull us down among the cinder
Soil holds us up until it holds us down
And your feet are still here
Stood next to me
But with each breath
With each blink of the eye
We yearn for more than
What's been placed in our hands
And as it all fades away
Returns back to land
I lie in wake
Of what's at hand
I'm still here
How long will you be?

What am I doing with my life?
Experiencing new things
Branching out with every new avenue
Where am I taking myself?
Goals vaguely planned
Struggling to understand how roots meet soil
Why?

Why... A question that troubled me so
A few years ago
Questioning life and all that comes in tow
These thoughts deeply sown
In my mind
Unearthed and
I understand
My constant sense of
Being out of place
But living anyway

And I'll take on life with every step
Breathe in and out the air surrounding me
Sky above me
Earth below me
And God surrounding me
And I'll keep on living

The same experience
Does not feel the same
With different people.
Being back-stabbed by
Someone who doesn't know you
As compared to someone who should
Feels light, easily forgettable
Whilst the latter feels remains with you
Festers in the shadows of your day
And steadily grows until the shadows envelop you.
Why would they make such a decision
When they know how it would feel to receive a knife so deep?
Why do they treat me so strangely, so abhorrent,
Like shadows dancing around a flame,
Like they can live life with no blame
Rules they abide by filled with no shame
And yet I am to blame
I carry the shame
Like it is in my name
And what fault should they hold when the knife they once held
Has already maimed
Scarred, stained
And yet I am not allowed to blame
Point fingers
Not allowed to speak
When their words hold my fate
And so I am silenced
In the same vein their oppressors oppress  them
Why should I see this when they cannot?

Buzzing energy fills me
My nerves high-strung
Silence silence silence
Almost as if
I've been shunned
I take breaths
But that buzzing energy remains
My heart has withstood more
So I take time til this feeling drains
My heart subdued in a cage
So I hold it gently
Until it's peace it regains
Slowly, yet surely
I'll hold me if that's all I have
Slowly, yet surely

Lay me down gently
Put me down to sleep
When the night-time draws near
Allow my conscious to slumber deep

You cared for me so gently
Your love so very steep
Hands cradling my body
Knew that I could trust you while I was weak

And that hand became firmer
Clutching my cheek
Your figure looming larger
Rib cage trembling, letting out a creak

My heart laid bare
My chest ripped open in a heap
Your voice like daggers
Into my blood, your words seep

And slowly, as you lay me down
Force me down to sleep
The shadows of my cot grows
And silence slowly reigns over the night bleak

Not a meek voice heard from the baby
As you stand over me in a silent vicious weep
Knife in hand, prepared to take the leap
Gaze flicking over to the baby's eyes that begin to peep

Staring, as the baby begins to smile
Smile eerie, teeth wicked and sharp
Eyes blinking slowly, its stare
An oath that your soul it will reap

You draw back your dagger
Driving your frozen feet forward with a shriek
Coming down with momentum
Moonlight glinting with the blade's sweep

Relief washing over you
The baby's forsaken body lying in death asleep
Eyes still open, unmoving as you heave
Deep breath in, as your heart beats

Until, motionless eyes slowly roll to the side
The blood on your knife, now on your skin creeps
Crawling and drawing its way up in streaks
Encircling your wrist, holding you in its keep

You struggle in its grasp, as with torment it wreaks
It's body shrivelling as its blood encompasses your physique
Meshing its blood with your blood, overpowering your every essence
Until your lips although moving, are no longer able to speak

And slowly, your body shrivels along with the form in the cot
Blood flowing, down your body it creeps
Returns down your arms, down the shining blood-red blade
and back into the empty skin

Figure transforming, as the baby reaches down and slowly
The handle it retrieves
Drawing out the weapon
No longer in blood is it steeped

The baby closes its eyes, as sleep clutches it's form
Breathing small breathes through its small nose
Figure of a mother barely holding on
Laying on the ground as her eyes leak

Going through the motions
Holding your peace at hand
Until I passed down by you
And you chose to take a stand
Enraged at my choices
Your words came tumbling like sand
Chasing me up
Until you were assured command
But surprise surprise
Your words' intended target rebound
And I, in my subconscious' control, withstand
Words leaving my mouth
Unplanned
Stranger ignored to
Stranger unmanned
Unable to raise your gaze to where
Your ego cannot expand
You leave
And I take in the situation so I don't misunderstand
It was not my actions but
The way I was dressed that had me ******
Cursed, directed animosity at
But you reached me at a point at which
I don't care - and
Looking at you I question why you
Forgot to look at the mirror; tanned Complexion making you and me
No different
And yet you choose self-hatred
And I won't be weaker.
Choose your own battles
For I fight mine quicker.
Won't find me fallen
Because I set the pace with vigor.
Too many a times I've faced your kind;
You're not the first and
You're not the last,
Going through your lot
Will eventually become like
Breathing air.
Choose your battles
If you dare.

This is not what I want to feel
Not what I want at all,
Not when my heart beats softly
Asking for a little warmth.

My heart beats to your silence
Surrounded by the you of yesterday
Lurching for your company
Reaching out to no avail

The me of yesterday is no more
And the you of now is unknown
To me who sees only shrouds
Hanging between us

Let it be known that my feelings for you remain
Deep felt and innocent
And yet they suffer all the same
But the rope was let go
And the curtain laid
Our goodbyes said
Closure in vain
For my heart still beats
Beats to your name
Old friend
The barrier of our goodbye remains
That I would not change
And yet I yearn all the same

Accusations are made by the entitled
And for my blood, I react unbridled
Honest, to a fault
For my sadness is too much
My happiness overboard
And my silence uncalled.
I feel no fault in the way my heart tears
Yearns
Recedes
Flowing out uninhibited,
Like blood in my veins

And I'll cry if I couldn't sleep
I'll laugh at a book I read
Hold back my words because, how much will they mean?
How much will you see of me
Feel of me
Stand by me
Hear, when I speak?

And so I choose to feel
Feel for myself whose feelings remain in one body
Feel for big and small, all that I want, no more
For my cup full, slightly tipped, and it'll spill

Like sea foam settling the sand
Like waves laying straight the land
Time passes
And you and I
Forget our names that we called ourselves by
Fading into a distant sky
Lost to the shadows of the sunrise
Our meeting calm
Our meeting turbulent
Let the water recede
And with the shifting hand
Brush flat our differences
Like dust wiped off the tv stand
Engrained my memory is of you
And engrained is your memory of me
Knife carved deep, wind stroking my skin
Come tomorrow
You appear as new
And I appear to have forgotten you
You appear free
And I holding what you have done to me
Unable to let go
The tide pulls and pulls
And the rope is set free

You've chosen your path
Oh tyrant
Chosen your path
Oh tyrant
Chosen to birth children into this world
Oh tyrant
Chosen to forsake your responsibilities
Oh tyrant
Your choice
Your choice
Your choice
Only your voice
No other
Can speak
Oh tyrant
Soothsayer not, to those who need it most
Soothsayer to your ego
For whom you crafted a home around you
Oh tyrant
To what benefit do you live?
Dallying in exhaustion
To what effort do you owe?
Oh tyrant
Who can do no wrong
See no wrong
Hear no wrong
Know no wrong...
You are perfect...




Unbirth me

Oh vulnerable me
Shy me
Child within me
I see your desire to be free
Shackled in a far corner I can't seem to see
Showing yourself to those who you like
To those with whom you wish to be
To have a security I can't seem to offer you
A nourishing for which you flee
Starved of the love I do not let you have
Forcing you into a position in which you cannot feel
And maybe,
If I'd let you have that love
You could be
The person you yearn for
But we both know
That's not an option for you and me
And so I lay in my arms,
Silence, my only plea

The world shifts and
Suddenly you're by yourself
Melancholy twirling in your heart
Like an on and off lover
The way it seeps in and
Claims your day
What can you do but feel
And let feel
As if you're in a shelterless rain without an umbrella
Planning will only bring you so far
Rather
Claim the sadness
Before it claims you

The King sits on his throne
After another long day of work
Resting
Providing for the people
Deciding for the people
His hand reaches to the outskirts of his kingdom
To call his reign tyranny would be absurd
For who would question a leader who benefits most from their own decisions?
And who wouldn't be happy to have to toil a little more when mistakes are made and his lack of care becomes purposeful?
And when his entitlement to the land that he tires himself for day in and day out means that you cannot question his perfect authority, cannot begin to even suggest discussing his non-existent faults?
For people these days do not want to hear advice, do not wish to work hard enough, are lazy, and if these words come out as harsh when you're trying your hardest, that means you can't handle the truth and no other truth exists but that of the one and only royal Highness.

For what plants grow under shadow,
And what trees stand tall without roots firm in the ground?

What should the King do when the people lose their will and turn their backs on what security that has been offered to them

I sway
Like on a swing
On the brink of sleep
My mind carries me motionless
And when reality calls
It rips me out of my pendulum state
Elevates my heart rate
Claims my restfulness and
Clutches onto the thoughts that I can't seem to lay
And as I slowly pry each clawing finger
Gentle words soothing over
Voices reverberating
The two swirl
Unfurl
Turning to noise
Playing in the background
As I gradually fall back into a cradle
Rocking left to right
And right to left
On the brink
Asleep

I rushed to write a letter
Emotions rising inside of me
I remembered your words
The way they lifted me and saw me
And so I rushed
Pen to paper
Rolled it up
So that my words are no longer seen
Tied and bottled
I gather my strength and throw it into the sea

You were always way out of reach.
But now this sea that sits between us seems endless
The sea sweeping and returning
My words back to me with the tide
I return to read over my words once again
Foam rushing around my legs as I sit
Reading over my letter once again
Unheard unread
Can't help but rewrite a copy for myself
Because even if you never see my words
I'll know what I wrote for you
Know what these feelings are

Without a second glance,
Every step pops.
The rationale of my brain,
Every day hops,
Between the steps that I take,
Drops cling to me,
Before they evaporate.

As the steam of those drops evaporate,
I gaze up at them til they are no more,
No longer in my field of vision.
Pop
Foot down, gaze down;
At the floor beneath my foot.
My mind stops,
Waiting,
For drops that'll settle on my arm once again.

Rock the boat,
  I'm fine
Little waves won't hurt me.

Rock the boat
    I'm fine;
What are a few more,
  I can handle it.

Rock the boat
       I'm fine
   I'm fine...
I can handle it

Rocking
    rocking
   rocking
         rocking
      To and fro
                Overflow-
                      Underwater,­ can't breathe--
               Overhauled, overstretched
             Inhale
          Deep breath
I'm fine...

Be nothing
Feel nothing
Hear nothing
See nothing
Static
Cut.

The hurt will never die
Rather, just temporarily put off
Whether forgotten
Or numbed,
And in the presence
Of remembrance
And vulnerability
How could one's entity
Fathom experiencing anything
But heart ache
As vivid as yesterday,
Last month
Last year
A lifetimes worth of
Sorrow,
Betrayal,
Hurt and
Withdrawal...
How could one's soul
Forget the pain?

It's been seven years
Of mostly sad poems
Filled with my darkness and fears
And sprinkle a little
Happy energy
All spun together
Into this poetry account

It's been seven years
Taken me seven years
To acknowledge the fun I have
Writing poetry
Reading poetry
Processing poetry
I'm happy
Thankful for this platform
Thank you Eliot York :)

Angry distasteful stare
Eyes squinted, affronted glare
Dismissive
In all her care, uncaring
Unwanting of any responsibility
Associated with falsehood
'You're unreasonable'
Emanates without being spoken

How can you begin to even think for yourself
Think of the validity of your perspective
When you're caught overwhelmed and mocked
Belittled in what you think is fair
And I'm stuck with that stare
And you without a care

Drawn out silence
The seeker and the sought
What would the power imbalance have been
If the sought could only speak

It's overwhelming
To expect and expect
Only to receive silence
Deemed unworthy of attention
Unworthy of acknowledgement

Silence
What would the conversation have been
Had there been even a single word
Uttered
In response
But silence
And a refusal to reciprocate
Such that should they eventually speak
Their words begin to take on that emptiness
And the void grows larger
And already
The upset begins to lose itself in an endless void
And you're stuck in place

How could you forget
When all around you is that silence, resounding
How could you forget
When all this time your ears desired, awaiting
A response they'd never have.

Loud and young
My voice rung
Free in its burdens
Overwhelmed in yearning

Loud and young
My voice blurred
Mixed and buried
In unsettling surroundings, unheard

Silent
Alone
Unmoving
Lost

Whisper scream
Moon for company
Burdens blur simmering
Over clawing emptiness

Slurred speech
Between few
You know
I know you

Like a poor man's stain glass art
Salvaging beauty in broken sentences
What sense would you tell me it would make
To break glass of different colour to make a singular beautiful piece
When that is all I have to work with,
Broken glass
And no glue to piece them

On the back of my hand
My arm
Knee
I leave a kiss
Lingering
Free
Warmth spreading
Goosebumps rising
Mind settling
Floating
Grounding

My love
What more can I give you
What more can I show you
At the limit of my being
My love
What more can I fault you
What more can I demean you
Knowing the fault of my character
But struggling to fix it
My love
Love you so that
You love me
My love

Limit my interactions
Think before I speak
What purpose comes in order
Will the words that escape my mouth
Hurt me more
Or will they take me to a more peaceful place
I know the dance
I know the steps
My body feels them ingrained
And so maybe this time
I'll take a moment to think
Pause
Before my body moves along
With the tune being played
Pause
Before I step on broken glass
Because I forsook shoes
In a room that I took as familiar
Pause
Pause
Why does this keep happening

I open my mouth and
No heads turn
What am I to do
If I can't be heard
Do I level mountains
Or raise waves?

It's not in my nature
It's not my way
I can't help my mellowness
I can't help my gentle sway

I want to be seen
Seen as me
Seen for what I can't show
For what I can't feel
Asking for what I don't have?
What I can't be
I'd rather die
Leave me be

So I hold it all in
The tumult and the fray
How could I ask for help
When when I open my mouth
No heads turn
And I'm left echoing into space

Hearts of steel don't exist
As hearts are fragile
Like glass thin and shapen
Taking on the pattern of rhythmic pulses
Blood racing to where our hearts are led

Hearts are fragile
Such that the heartless cannot fathom
The jagged sharp pieces ripping inside
And so they empty their chest
So that they can only see with their eyes
For if their heart controlled their eyes
They would turn blind
No heart in the slashes formed
No eyes in the heart that overwhelms the soul
Senses returning to base level zero

Hearts can only take so much
And if it were to break
Crack
How could it heal to the way that it used to be?

Like an iceberg floating
I float in water
Like an iceberg floating
I'm weighed down by weight on my shoulders
And if I could lift them I would
And I did and
I wish that I didn't
As I float
Frozen

And I wish to flow freely
As the water does around me
And I wish to flow warmly
Coolly
Unrestrictedly
And I wish
I wish for so much
But I'm frozen in place
And all these years have passed by
And I've just hit the tip of the iceberg
And I still struggle with all that
Under the surface that I can't seem to see

And as it all resurfaces
And the weight returns in force tenfold
And I clutch at my chest
Turbulent
Clawing
Unstable
To hit into another iceberg
To feel the jarring vibrations
It's overwhelming
One cannot heal from such impactful encounters
To feel these feelings again...

You wouldn't want to.

And as I float by
Like an iceberg floating
I hold the weight of jarring vibrations
And like an iceberg floating
What's to keep me from breaking apart
Should I encounter these feelings again.

Sitting restlessly still
Idly passing time
All these circles I've walked
All these days cycling by
To keep a front of peace
I've constructed all these lies
And if I reach out
To touch a wall
It'd shatter
Who am I lying to
Telling myself
I'm frozen to the core

Each weak breath I breathe, although not warm
Holds the life left within me
Escaping my mouth
The misty vapour condensing
Tracks down the frozen walls and
Drawing my gaze
Freezing once more
And if I touch these frozen droplets
That lie on these walls surrounding me
They'd melt and freeze again
Too used to this cycle of
Lifting walls around me again

Walking in circles
I see where I've lied
What I've chosen as home
And
What I've chosen as life
I've lied to myself
And my eyes continuously search for that which
I deny myself

And the temperature of these walls I understand the most
And the temperature of these walls are what hold me close
Hold me together
All other ways and choices of life lost on me

And I realise
I realise all these lies that I latch onto
Held tightly in my hands
What my arteries and veins pulse for
Upholding a universe under my skin
The desires etched into every strand of DNA
Fading from within
Desiring a warmth out of reach
A warmth never felt

Molten
Running
Hardening
Goldens
Welding
Strengthening
Heat emitting
Steaming whistling
Sinking repetitively
Emerging each time
Lacking that youthful glow
Replaced by the reflection
Of my toil given to me
Losing the heat of the moments
Leaving it all behind
It could only last so long
And here I am
Smoothened by the love only I could
Give me

Anyone else just scroll through their old poetry
and think to themselves "wow, I wrote this?"

Flirting on the topic of community
One finds themselves at a loss
Both in knowledge and in influence
We lack control

To define morality
To define discipline
To define nature and what is natural
As much as it is a social construct
It is just as much a personal construct.
In being so, as much as we lack within ourselves
and as much as we lack in being a community
Humanity loses adherence
And yet strengthens its adherence all the same

As much as one may believe we advance as a society
We lose ourselves
Societies cycle on, only words change their meanings.

Paint layers walls
And walls layer houses
Uncarefully placed
In our carefulness
Comforted in perfection unreachable

And what wisdom lays
In a world that wreaks destruction
On the weak foundations that we sow
And the even weaker plants that we reap
Fabricated
Cheap
An amalgamating mess
Painted onto
Thin fragile walls
Holding up
Thin fragile houses

"What's wrong?" I'm asked
A question, sincere
Laced with generational insincerity
A question, almost social
Tears threatening to leak
Concern laying however, with the following insincerity
Secrets unspoken, bitten tongue
One two three, the colours I see
Grey silver green
Stepping back in my spot unmoving
The question is more than a question
And words casual can mean more than first glance
Head turned away and gaze following
Stares unshared

As if I'll ever choose
To voice the letters scribed into the contours of my tongue
When any following response
Will only deepen the dents I have scribed
The contours that cause my speech to turn awry
And my vision to return to basic observation
One two three

We are the children of tradition
In an untraditional society
We are the children of progression
In an unprogressing society
We are the children of peace
In an unpeaceful society
Meshing together these inconsistencies
As human nature
And as differences irreconcilable
Like ripping stitches out of a deep wound
And those hurt from the stitches ripped not considered
Just the remaining wound sitting in the middle of two parts of skin
And we keep it that way
Say the wound can be covered with a band aid
Unhealing
Coveted
Yet a chosen problem to remain
Both skin one and the same
Wound hurting
Deep and unhealthy
Yet both sides claim they are healing from
The deep hurt at bay
Unseeing of the weeping sway
That stops and dries, for birthing in these conditions can only exhaust and fray
Ply out the mercy sowed into each and every cell
Yet we are still
All skin and clay
From one and the same

If only these wounds never came to be

It's easy for oppressed groups to oppress
All they could learn from their oppressors
Victims slowly disappearing
In the wake of weaponised victimisation
And in its beauty deep crevices
Hiding cracks that leak the blood that
Allows for its power
These cracks filled with
Those caught in the hold
Of the weapon wielders
And the cracks were never smoothed,
Never shaped to be merciful
Just accepting enough that
The crevices are filled to hold onto power
And there is no power without
All that holds the oppressed in place of power
And hidden away are those who suffer their wrath
Wanting freedom
Yet not wanting the freedom at hand
For one freedom hurts to their death
And another takes their last breath unreached

My highest point
Hanging
Abyss below me
Fence fraying above me
And what I'd do to see it hold
When all I can see is the nails
Come loose

The ground I once stood on
Always shook
For me who thought that the
Sides of the fence were not meant
To be joined
And I who came to stand on it
My zenith
Before the floor stopped shaking
And fell away completely

Balance
Only a necessity for those who
Choose an in-between
Time will always run out
Quicker for those
Who try to hold onto
The flimsy fence that separates
Green grass
From even more green grass
One side gone yellow to the other
And one side uprooted to the other

And the fence
That always stood as wood
Aging in splinters and mold
Is still wood
Until it comes free
It is then scraps
For whichever side chooses
What use it is fit for
Because sticks and stones
Will break bones
But sticks cannot repair
Broken strands of bark
Where blades of grass can mend
In the sun

And the fence that sat there
Performed it's duty
Unstable on stable ground
Stability withdrawn smoothly
Cut when not on grounds
Comes loose

Hanging
Fingers locked in place

Like a drop of water
Rolling off a petal,
I'll treat you like a flower
Resisting the rain that never settles

I'm in my peaceful place
In the comfort of my me
Breathing the air that
God gave me

How am I to help
When suddenly
Slice
Your words cut so effortlessly

And I was lost
By your continual sway
The way you continue
To barrage on me

Loud and echoing
I can't seem to shut you out
You're supposed to nourish me
But yet the only time I feel you
Is when you push me towards death



It continues to rain on
And so I close my eyes to breathe
I'll let your words roll off me
As I listen to my own heart beat

Today,
Let me feel hatred
For those who have it better than me
Let me feel pain
In those moments that mean little than small mishaps
Let me feel overwhelmed
By the repetition of acts that go against my boundaries
Let me overflow
With words unspoken, slipped into
sweet frustration
Let me imagine
What I do not have,
What I cannot have
And have it in a way that is
Self-satisfactory
Let me withdraw
Tell myself I feel better
Only to feel the finger tips of bitter grace roiling its way
Into my vision again

Let me
Let me be free

Dragged and drawn...
Out
Tired and resisting sleep
Eyes barely open,
Mind barely present

A cage is not a cage because of its bars
Or the space that it provides
Or the bed that it allows
A cage is a cage because it
Turns life pointless
Holds life in its claws and
Never lands
Falling with no end
Screaming in a vacuum
Unheard
Shackled to a life that disregards
Your life

Breathing never felt as it used to

Survive
Breathe
Time jump
Static
Noon to eve
Deliberate breaths
Resurfaced wounds
Never healed
Empty time passed
Endlessly
Scene after scene
Escaping my surroundings
And hiding in the foreign

Your arms around me
Your hands
Your smile
Kiss to my forehead
Nothing I yearn for like your warmth
Your warmth is what I seek

Our fingers intertwining
Your forehead leaning against my cheek
As we waltz together
Your body is what my arms yearn for
Just like how your arms always encircle me

I want you
And I'm so happy to have you
Thankful to God to have you
And I'll continue to thank God
We are each others

No one else's love brings forth greater emotions for me than yours

There's always another day
Another rising sun
Breath in
Breath out
Life keeps going on

And the wounds that keep reopening
On my back
Grow throughout the day
And bleed into the night
It's me who has to bend
Into impossible positions to sow it back up
It's me who's left with scars out of sight
Draining me to the last bits of my energy
And yet I can't sleep
Breathe in
Breathe out
Silence is the most peaceful bout
Until you look deeper in
The turmoil swims throughout

I want my wounds to heal
Want my skin to gleam
Want my bones to reconnect
With the wings they never met
Please let me meet you
Let me meet you outside this cage that's supposed to be a comfort

Sometimes paint brushes feel like
They belong in my hand,
Paint ready to be laid
A story ready to be lain
Strewn across canvas
Air
Skin
The night sky that shine down on me
And the world that continues around me
A me conflicted between this world and a world that doesn't exist
And so my mind supplies
And it sees the paint on bristles
Holding words that'll echo a world that cannot exist outside my mind.

It's a new world.
That moment you resurface
To catch a breath.
Large and dragging
Loud
Water spills away from skin
And the sky never looked the way it does now.
What was I doing underwater?
And what am I doing here,
At the surface?
And the water just encases me
Almost as if I belong in it
And yet I don't.
The water feels so right that
Just like the way it holds me,
My body, mind and heart yearn in return
And the water accepts my tears in a way
That says my tears are part of this ocean

And yet I'm at the surface
And I see the sky that looks so foreign
And the clouds that I can barely register roll by
And the sun that shines its warmth on me
Contrasting the water that returns to the ocean
And I don't want those droplets leaving me
But choices continue to be made and the ocean I swim in isn't mine
Shouldn't be mine
And yet here I am
Questioning what makes a swimmer swim
And whether the ocean reciprocates the desire the swimmer holds for each arm turned in its embrace,
Each leg kicked in an effort to keep up with the enormity of the ocean.

Swimming in the waters
That were once thick
Breathing ocean air comfortably
Heart beat no longer quick
Floating in these waters
As I have never done before
Relaxing my mind from
All that was once ashore
Beneath me
Above me
Around me
No longer there
Except for the waves that sway
And give to the passing of my limbs
Except for the blue skies that reach
To pass into the ocean
Except for the sun that shines from a distance...
And maybe I can feel it's warmth again

Maybe it's easy to pity myself
In the absence of pity,
In the wake of disregard and judgement,
In the choice of abandoning my surroundings.
If love is a window,
I've been told it's broken,
Not there,
A fairytale rotted within
The clutches of time,
Unachievable by the likes of I...
My home is a frozen ice palace
My touch is destruction
My heart is darkness
My past is molten tar
Myself distancing
From everything

The world is beautiful
But filled with shadows.

Cavities
Rot in teeth?
Not the hole that was
Eventually going to form anyways
Rotting
Life slowly decays?
Or was it that life slowly
Fades out in a way that isn't fully understood
Life
Ending?
What's in it but
Illusions basing our Perceptions
Life...
A choice?
Life
Away
Life
Cold and warm
Life
Values recycling until
Hurt becomes day- to- day

My clothes flow around me
As I sit down on wet ice
Gone is the cold
For the cold is what
I've blended into,
What I discovered was
Frozen with the words
Left unspoken
Swirling in my
Buzzing mind
I'd open my mouth
But I don't find it in me
To care to speak to anyone
For the warmth I saw has
Dwindled
And this cold I am sat in
I trust to remain frozen
Even if fragile
And the cold has always been a comfort
Always been the sink to my turmoil
So how much could it hurt to
Let the little warmth I once
Depended upon
Dissipate away