A tear runs down their face
Falling like a drop of blood
Into a pool of sharks
The fruit is still only maturing
But the monsters fully grown
Won’t wait for it to fall from the tree
You’re so mature for your age
You have a pretty young woman’s face
The boys your age don’t know
How to appreciate a beauty like yours

Silver-tongued devils roam the halls of the church
It couldn’t happen here
Somewhere so sacred and secure
But such places draw the vulnerable and trusting
How could cannibals like them resist
The urge to prey on those who pray so desperately

In the halls of the school
The young are ****** into the final phase
The final ascent to adulthood
The steps will get you there eventually
But there are many with a taste for young blood
Who would be happy to show you the elevator

Upperclassmen, Teachers, Pastors, Family and Family Friends
Those who have positions of power
The trusted and respected
How could I speak out
What risk would that bring me
What if no one believes me....

Monsters, cannibals, zombies, vampires
All fictional to the rest
But for many these evil beings
Are as real as the heart beating in your chest

The worst of it is, they’re told to keep quiet. This could ruin somebody’s life. Without acknowledging that it already has, and that who they’re protecting is the antagonist. I hope you have trouble sleeping tonight. I hope you trust the locks on your doors. Because you’ve caused some to lose the ability to trust at all, and you go on living without remorse. If your only fear is of being caught, or you try to justify what you’ve done. Then I’ll have as little remorse, when the time for reckoning comes. No longer will we tolerate a society that keeps your names and faces safe. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but you’re not dealing with anyone as self-righteous as yourself.

I don’t know my right from my left,
And tomorrow is the first day
Of the rest of my life
Is what everyone tells me.

Are they living in a separate reality than I?
Or are they all just pretending
That the sky isn’t overcast,
And the sun shines brightly?

My heart has a migraine,
And it’s been this way since yesterday:
The last day of the beginning
Of my life.

The forecast tells that the weather
Will remain unchanging
Until I finally get out of bed,
But I can’t bear to see another wasted day.

My heart has a migraine,
And now I might know my right from my left,
But time remains restless,
While I continue letting drain the hourglass—

Will I ever get out of bed?

It’s not what you deserve
Hardly even anything at all
But I can’t bear to look at another missed day

I miss your eyes on me,
And I can’t sleep,
Your voice in my head,
Unable to think,
The mist and the tears,
I can’t decipher between;
And another glass sits empty.

I’m blank of meaning
Without any ideas to say,
Just tell me if I’ve been pushed
From your mind already
Because the silence
Has taken me to an asylum,

And when I yell to the breeze against my face
Barely alive and disregarding speed limits,
I wonder if the lyrics I speak
Tear you to pieces
As they do me,
Since they speak truth better than my own.

When did you forget me?
It’s degrading to only know
By feeling,
And not by telling.
I can taste the sulfur
In the air tonight.

Why didn’t you warn me?

Stripped of rhymes
Stripped of bars
Maintaining only the most basic structure
Maybe this isn’t poetry
But it is creative writing
And I hope you find it illuminating
And thought-provoking.

The people of Oz had their wizard. A legend being capable of great feats. One could only speak to him in his chamber. His mythos came from those he amazed, who would embellish their descriptions of his power so much, that he had to hide away to protect the truth of his abilities or lack thereof. This conundrum does not exist exclusively in fiction. In history, when humankind’s logic was not as keen to such deceptions, many times power was asserted. A small group hides themselves in a cave, coming out to give commands and create rules for people who believed lies. People that believed inside the cave were mystical objects, or deities themselves that granted the small group with wisdom or power to bless efforts and curse dissent. By asserting that the contents of the cave would cause immediate death for those not chosen to see them, they kept their power secure. Such tricks only last as long as people’s fear of an unknown power outweigh their dissatisfaction with their treatment and position as slaves, or their skepticism.

Now today, the ultimate wizard exists. All knowing, all powerful, the definition of goodness, so no order or action can be called into question on the basis of ethics. Invisible to all, except when they used to appear to people all the time before cameras and in a time of legends. Speaking with a voice you hear inside yourself. No one can call into question what you heard, because you’re the only one who heard it, and since you heard it from the all-knowing definition of goodness super wizard, others who believe must follow as if the words did come from such a being, not a mere man. It’s an old trick, but quite effective.

You are the moon in my sky
A constant reminder
Of what I couldn’t possibly have
Without risking everything.
You make me want to change
As my tides abide by your influence,
But you come closer
And push away just as easy,
Just as often.

I want you to stay,
For I am not the one keeping you there,
I’m a mere light on the side of the road,
And tell me, my dear,
How can a streetlight illuminate the moon?
But I can’t help myself from staring
When you show yourself
No matter how close to
Or far away,
A smile takes over my face.

I wish to hold you,
And have you by my side,
Even if it brings chaos and destruction.
I’m drawn to you like gravity
So fly out of reach,
And stop this dance you have with me,
Or give me a chance,
And allow me to show you
What it means
To be infinite.

I now see
I've traded in the body
Of a brilliant and limitless child
For one of another corporate servant
Who needs your own will
When you can make yourself
So marketable

It’s again that time of day
To sit staring
At the blank page
That tempts me to resign
Conceed my opinion and drive
To continue this daily stride
But i get over it
And i press the keyes
And write untill im all used up
And hav e no life left to spend

It’s all dread and drudgery
Life is
The highlights only shine so bright
Because there’s n o competition
Around them to outshinte
I can feel myself change
With every steting sun
For each one
Encompasses me in a tidal wave

Im’ urning into somthing,
Someone i am not
Can you sense it too?
Or have you alread y forgotten
That the winter breeze has departed,
And the lihtg push against you
Is my exhale,
Chilling you to your bones
When did I become so cruel?

Writing has so many advantages
But non e tht I take for granted more
Than the ability to change what’s been writtn
The backspace on a keyboard
The eraser of a pencil
But life is a story written in pen
No crossing out words or paragraphs
And no tearing out pages so they can be written again
It j only continues to be written
Moving forward
With every mistake and flaw
Immortalized in a way more permanent
Than ink on a page could ever be
And so I wrote this as ametaphor
As a challenge to do thinkgs right the first time
But even if I think twice, write once
Shaky hands miss keys
And I see better pasts unchangeable once
I ma am is in the future
I am in the future
Such is life

I’m counting the hints I’ve missed
Over again on my fingers
And in my head,
Making excuse after excuse
To give doubt the benefit,
But this smile
Has taken its toll
On my lips
And my eyes
After three nights
Grow a shade beneath them
To define restless.

I can't pretend much longer,
And I keep thinking
Of all the things I should have said,
And what I should have refrained from,
But I can tell by the silence
That soon the hint will be so obvious,
That I couldn't possibly mistake it.

I get star-struck too fast,
Lost in awe
Before the supernova takes life
From my world once again;
I'm jealous of those you'll see instead—
I'm jealous of the silence they spend
Lost in your eyes
While I'm stuck with the quiet,
Holding the pillow next to me
As though it could feel
This soft, slow caress;

Am I already dead?

That feeling of looking in the mirror
And wanting to go further
It's a special type of being in the zone
The opposite of zen
Pure adrenaline
The urge to find a body's limits
And then build the strength to go past them

I've forged a mighty body
Large and strong
And why?
So no groceries will ever make me take a second trip
No boxes are too heavy to lift
No dense trash bags from a compactor
Will ever be safe from being tossed in the garbage
No pickle jars will be impossible to open
And when I carry my sleepy girlfriend to her bed
I feel like a ******* superhero

Yea, it’s a long time coming,
They'll say
But that’s not how I feel.
The gentle breeze against me
I have to catch myself
As I lean into it
For comfort
Pretending there’s someone there.

My cowardice has led me here
Away from the light
Once again
To exist without making
Myself vulnerable;
Not even with myself I could be,
Even if there were any places
To cast and stare at my reflection,
For it’s too dark to see.

The world is too big to push away
So digging a hole
Is a start,
But somewhere out there
I know you are
And maybe when I climb out
You’ll be waiting for me,

Or maybe not;
Maybe in this life,
I missed my shot.

It's a struggle
I understand---
The point is lost
When comfort
Of the bed takes over,
But failing
The challenge twice
In a week
Is noteworthy.

The point cannot get across
If it's all but a car
With flat tires,
For this road has no time
For brakes to depress,
And we knew that stepping in,

But surely we can do better
To not deplete the message
Of wasting any moments
Than the example we've set.
Laziness is no longer an excuse,
It's a mindset;
Don't let it breach the line
Of permanence.

How could it be possible
A decision so small
To text some random stranger
Would lead to finding my all
We're only two in billions
And not even ones close by
But now you're the only one I think about
What I see behind closed eyes
I don't believe in miracles
You don't believe in fate
We just got so **** lucky
But luck is all it takes

First fascinated strangers
Then we became new friends
Then bonding brought us closer
But it all started with hitting send
Fondness turned to attraction
And that would normally be the end
But there was so much more ahead for us
That I never imagined before hitting send

Things changed when I first read "I love you"
But I won't pretend it was a fairytale
We're both far from perfect people
But the truth in that statement prevailed
I've done my best to put my amazement
At how we got here into words
But the feelings are too great
Too complex for patchwork rhymes
Perhaps even with no rules
With words wielded freely
I still could not do it justice
But it's worth it to me to try

I love you too.
It's hard to believe I've had the honor
Of calling myself yours for 6 months now
Especially considering how simply it all started
But now you're my best friend
And I want to tell you about every unimportant thing
As much as I want to hear about all of your uneventful days
And I want to share the ones that mean more
With only you
Because you make the best of life even better
And the worst of it not so bad
I'm so glad I have you
Happy 6 months, darling.

Once given and now taken,
Stress builds instead of extinguishing
The flames I bury,
The sparks, I pinch out.
But the rain and thunder
I cannot ignore;
I keep thinking
Maybe the cold droplets,
Tickling down my face,
Will wake me up from this

But they don’t.
Only the well is filled a little higher,
And the dread
Made intrinsic to each passing day;
Tell me I’m only dreaming.

*** is not the enemy
but when it's kept a mystery
it's up to undeveloped minds
to learn it's lessons the hard way
but learning's no guarantee
so we sacrifice the youth
for a few less awkward conversations
easy to blame what's on TV
instead of stepping up
and teaching your **** kids
that there's a way to do it safely
that there's no need to feel ashamed
that it doesn't mean they love you
but if neither of you do that can be okay
there are more but one stands above the rest
burning a fire of anger inside of me
that it still goes unaddressed

you're not owed *** for anything
it doesn't matter if they took those pictures
if they weren't sent to you
and no one's ever ******* asking for it
unless they say that they are
no means no
and the absence of a no
does not mean yes
only yes means yes
except the yes of a minor
of the inebriated
of those who stand to gain from their answer
and those who stand to lose from their answer.

Your grace is wasted on a ******* like me
I can’t accept your forgiveness
Because I haven’t forgiven myself
Don’t make it look so easy
No need to walk the higher ground
I can see you ready to take a fall
The hate that’s hidden is weighing you down
Don’t spare me the rod
And let your bitterness sit and fester
Give me what I deserve
Some say I’m gonna burn for all I've done
And I don’t believe there’s anyone to follow through
But sometimes I wish they were right
An eternity of suffering might be enough
To fill this *******’s bottomless well of self-loathing

You cheated,
And now they come for me.
No questions,
No eye contact,
Just a deep silence
To marinate me
In the guilt
That we missed one,
But you cheated,
And they don’t seem too bothered,
So let's continue stepping forward
Because maybe they won’t notice.

Behind your walls,
I could not see,
Whatever survived,
Whether darkness or light,
I could not tell,
Until you let me past
The barrier,
Until you let me
Step in behind your door.

Light I could finally see,
And with that,
A moment of relief,
And I took a moment
Gazing around the room,
Although looking cared for,
I caught a glimpse
That you didn’t completely trust me yet,
True, you were not opaque,
But translucent
Is all you allowed.
For behind those hazel eyes,
I couldn’t see clearly
What thoughts were turning
In your mind.

Truth and honesty
I desire most,
And when your place
Was visually downplayed
For my comfort
When you hosted,
I know you weren’t ready
To be transparent,
Just translucent,
But not opaque,
And although I hope someday
For transparency,
I thank you
For not pretending that your world
Is all open doors,
And illuminated.

Only open your doors
To those rooms you have closed off
When you’re ready for me to see
What lives behind them.
No matter darkness or light,
I will still be there.
So breathe while you still can
And show me
What you will,
Just as long as you’re never opaque with me,
Just as long as you give me
So much as a small picture,
I will give these arms
Whenever they’re needed.

From clouds above,
High and massive
Things are falling
On vast green plains
And dry deserts shaded yellow and orange.
For some, the falling brings smells
Of cleansing and new life,
And fresh new mornings filled with opportunity,
But for others the falling brings only
The stench of destruction
Of environments and lives.

The rain immerses one in a state
Of taking the long cold streaks
For granted, as it’s just another inconvenience
To the already somber day.
Rainbows are dreams
Hidden behind closed eyes
Of those forgotten,
Whose existence consists of turbulence
And tremors.

Resting minds are forced awake
Elsewhere tired eyes stare out windows,
Anxiety filling them both,
As the thunder rolls in ever closer
Until it is at last upon them.
An all encompassing roar
That some believe to be directed by gods,
And some to be brought by man themselves.

As one looks out,
Gazing on the horizon,
The sun lighting the sky in an orange haze,
While the rain, gives off a haze of its own
When it strikes the ground,
Leaving a growing terror
On a face,
As the baleful sound
Steadily approaches,
From the rolling thunder.

April showers conjure memories for some
Of time spent in the comfort of a warm bed
While raindrops pour steadily outside the window
And of running through the grass
As a carefree child
Until a flash of lightning and a roll of thunder
Send them running excitedly to the safety of home
But it’s because of no small privilege
They are able to think this way
Showers are not the same only half a world away

Usually seconds are counted after the sound,
To tell the distance,
But the distance is closed
In an instant,
With the barrage of shells,
And the shock of thousands
As their mouths open wide
With no audible sound
From the crushing wave
Of the falling rain.
Run or hide,
Both choices
Are alike in the outcome,
Only apart by placement.

Across the world a child that’s different,
Only because of where they were born,
Is hiding under covers,
In a country that’s been torn;
The thunder doesn’t scare them
Simply because it’s loud,
But because it’s not lightning that causes the sound
And it came from a drone, not a cloud
While one splashes in puddles happily
Without a care in the world
The other lives with seeing many they know
In pools of their own blood

Rain, oh rain, go away

It’s hard to appreciate a day like today
Where my head is forced from the pillow
By stress flooding my body
My responsibilities dragging me
From the comfort of my blanket
And then I work myself to exhaustion
How can I find myself worthy of my life
If I don’t consistently go all out

But what makes a day like today
Even more of a challenge
To appreciate and get through
And not wish away or waste
Is that it’s a day that stands
Between where I am
And where I want to be
Beside you again
I try to tell myself
All time is so precious
But I can’t help feeling
That in comparison
This time is worth less
Than the time I spend with you

It’s a hard time existing
In a plane of smooth surfaces
And nothing that will give at all
Foreshadowing society
It's just squares and boxes here
Nothing concave
Or convex
Everything is made of plastic
And I'm living in a numb world
That won't ever accept
Something that tries anything
Different.

I was just going to school
I was just picking up groceries
I was just seeing a movie
I was with my friends at a concert
I was with my family at the mosque
So many statistics were just people
Like yourself and me
Living their lives
Not looking for trouble
But there's a hate and fear
That gets poured into the pockets
Of arms dealers
So the hateful and fearful
Can pour lead into people
Like yourself and me
Who lose their name when they lose their last breaths
And become another number in this year's statistics

The dark comes in close
Wrapping me tight tonight,
And I search for someone
To save me.

Helpless, alone,
Just embers left
To guide me
From the candle fuse,
And the darkness closes in around me.

Begging, pleading,
I strain to be let away,
But its grip is tight
As an anaconda,
Tracing its fangs to my neck
From my shoulder blades.

Within an inch of foresight,
I can feel my heartbeat waning,
And hear teardrops
Pierce the night silence
While the city sleeps;
I ask once more for someone
To give my feet placement,

But one cannot hold another’s heart
Whilst forsaking their own,
And thus, one cannot give another their heart
If giving is expectant
That to whom it’s given,
Will put back together,

For my mistake,
Was hoping for someone else,
When I, so many times,
Could have freed myself,
If only I put myself back together,

But I’ve swept the shattered pile
And sewn the tattered pieces,
Slowly feeling more encouraged
With every change in season

With now, a reason,
And even a desire,
To press on.

The fire surrounding me couldn’t get hotter
The pain is starting to make even breathing harder
Beads of sweat and tears of agony fall towards my feet
But evaporate before they can touch the ground
Another walk through hell is just beginning
No turning back, and pausing only means more hurting
So I look forward and let the music fill my ears
And dance my way through to celebrate the fact
That it’s never getting worse than this

The knife I take down my throat
To vindicate my thoughts
Of ruinous infection,
Deceives all sensation,
All thoughts, and ceases
To exist myself,
Until the blade conceals,
And the only tell
Of even its unsheathing
Is that of the daylight
Pouring in through
Windows of which
I had forgotten,
To strike the flower
I left out alone in the open.

The scent of the previous day
Made aware though permeation
From the bottles
Left open
To fill the air
With their intention,
But lit candles
Will once again
Flush the awful realization,
As the day sheds colors
To the night,
And when the music hits,
And the temperament
Fills veins with built and bottled-up
Stresses, the candles will smell great
As the chaser takes away the sting
From the blade,
And the flower, unconcealed,
Let without any pressures
Or internal guilt,
Finally able to be myself,
If only for one more night.

I depend on you
You depend on me
They depend on us
We depend on them
One goal
Every hand building
Equal parts of the ladder
Know your position
Take pride in your tasks
Together we will do
What none of us could do as one

Everyone is broken
Having something filed away
That no words
Or comfortable place can eliminate
The detriment and the weight;
Have some compassion,
Some empathy,
For your eyes alone
Aren’t through which
Seen are all things,
Don’t close yourself off,
Open wide,
For there are many different perspectives
And many sets of eyes.

Why am I trying to catch this light,
When it runs away
Just as the last.

Why can't I understand,
That to touch it
Is impossible once passed?

But it's beauty I am left
Entranced, wishing for it
To hold in my hands,

But trying is a frailty better left
In the bottomless pit
I found it in.

For the fly cannot be caught,
Only forgotten to be left alone,
Or swatted after the annoyance.

The light cast before me,
Was not a light,
Just another caught up in their own image,

Gathering a flock of bleating men
Who would swear, each of them,
That the light chose them.

A light only passing by to turn heads,
Is a light better left forsaken,
Never to be admired again.

This game I will not play,
But no worries, little cruelty,
Beyond me await many more to ensnare.

The song weaves me apart
To appease the tension
In my heart
Before taking strings
And sewing me back together
I will cry from the tension release
And cry more when the song is over
Leaving tear trails
From my eyes
That soak and run
Between my fingers
Like rivers down
Down my forearms
But I'll be okay
When the song is over
I'll be okay
When the lyrics speak to me
As them I could have written
I have a relationship with music, you see
One that you could never understand.

Tonight,
I don't want to hear another sound,
Another word,
Another thought echo through
The caverns that run deep;
Just let my hair
Drape my face
From existence
Before I let out
Another deafening
Sound when my eyes shut
The world away.

Tonight,
I'm worn,
And I'm hurting;
Just let the ambient sounds
Fade out,
And seconds progress;
I can't even look at myself,
Or undress the dirt;
I’ll just lay here
At the ceiling
Hearing the sirens break
This desired silence,
Wondering if, one day,
I’ll be the reason
For their whining
Or if would even I call out.

Everywhere I look tonight
Somebody in pain
Somebody trying to run away
Somebody just wanting to be touched
Somebody just wanting to be seen

Take a pill
Make the pain go away
Take a drag of this
Let the memories slip away
In the clouds of smoke
Take a sip of this
Numb the feelings I can’t deal with
Dance until I drop
Fake it til I make it
Go talk to them
A warm body melts the loneliness away
Turn the music up
So I don’t have to hear my thoughts.

There exists a room,
Without windows,
Only walls;
It doesn’t matter how many
But it’s dark,
And feet are chained to the floor.

This room exists in everyone,
But some choose to stay closed off—
Choose to stay forgotten.

The bottle swells with pressure,
For as long as one
Could possibly contain it,
But pressure, no matter of what origin
Always leads
To an explosion,
And so explode one will,
In a cataclysm of tears,
And aching.

Each time the pressure
Lets itself break the cap,
The level rises,
And the loss
Starts at the first moment
Because the cap
Gets looser
With every time it breaks,

Until the rain from the eyes
Is covered
By the water rising,
And your vision might have
Gotten used to the dark,
But the effervescence
Of your exhales
Has blinded you,
As I’m sure you didn’t notice
How far the level had risen,

And those eyes
Never let be seen
By another pair,
Or by the sunset
Surely overtaken
By the despair that
You wouldn’t let them be seen,
But the pulmonary edema
You face has been made
By your own brokenness

Why, I must ask, did you lock yourself away?

I could write whatever I want here
Does it even make a difference to you?
Another post in the timeline..
Is that all days mean?
Just doing things to get them done,
With no feeling,
And no one thinks a thing about it,
Because we’re all just as guilty.

The plastic bag rolls against the wind
Once again, to let the sun glisten
Those brunette curls as the wind takes them
As they swim through the air,
Right into my arms,
With those watering eyes
And trembling lips
I simply cannot resist.
For once again,
Another has broken you,
And once again, I’ll prove
That men aren’t all bad.
Without you I drink the thought of you away,
And with you, I drink the red flags away
That cloud my vision
With warning signs.

It almost seems too easy
My sympathy already being taken advantage of
Yet knowing this, I wring out enough trust
From my cloth of chances
That you’ve let be used up.
You’re nothing but a snake
And my emotions are contained
Like a paperback novel
In the rain;
My heart is breaking
Feeling the pounding of yours
Knowing yours has been working fine,
While my shaking
Is not from the weather
Nor the tearing inside,
For I know that this plastic bag
Will drift away once again
When the wind breathes just right
And another bystander of yours walks by,

But you’ll leave a memory
On my table
For the last time,
And the plastic bag you left,
Will be the last sound
I hear,
After liquid courage rivets
My sensible nature into a cage,
And I hear it rustle
As the leaves did
When first you entranced me
With my inhales forced inaudible
Just as forced audible
They were laying in the grass
And I’ll play that image
In my head
Of the first moment I felt alive,
Until I fade out, lay still,
Never to breathe out again.

When my lungs can no longer fill
To give oxygen to the blood
That my weakening heart fights to pump
And my brain begins to flood
With chemicals stronger than any psychedelic
I won’t panic
But simply embrace the hands of death
As they take the last drops of life from my body
And gently close my eyelids

Knowing they will never again open
I will spend my last moments dreaming

In this dream I will be reunited with you
No bodies that break and crumble
No nationalities, because there are no nations
No genders, no colors, only our consciousnesses
No pain, no cold and no uncomfortable warmth
No noise, no language or need for talking
We will speak in feelings and thoughts
That with perfect clarity are simply known
When we’ve left this world
We’ll create one of our own
But first
Enjoy pure existence
Just us.

Nothing we need to do
Nothing we need
Just eternity to be together
Free from the bonds of this reality.

For all the effort that goes into them.
Dreams and games fail to replicate reality.
I've been able to let myself become immersed,
Totally enveloped in artificial worlds,
But a simple mistake can be a thread,
That undoes the entire tapestry.
I'm forced from the illusion,
Back into reality.
But lately some things don't make sense,
And real has never felt more fake.
I can't help myself from wondering,
Is there something else waiting if I pull this thread?

I'm laying on a bed of nails
Waiting for the phone call
To be the hand on my chest
To push me down

Are you aware
Of what you force upon me?
My emotional well
Is dry and I've beaten my head
Against the stones
Bleeding until there's enough
To pour onto a page
Why do you call me so ******* late?

Why do you even bother
Calling me
At all?

Laying beside
Direction the same
Aligned against
Hands on your stomach
Staring at the black threads
That streak down
Never out of place
I memorize each thread
Questioning if you even
Recognize me
After gazing at the wall for so long
Almost lifeless
But laying alone, myself,
I'd rather be buried.

It kills me knowing
You're away in your head
Not present to feel
The touch of my fingertips
Or the silent breathing
Against skin

I lay in wishing
With each breath
That you'll remember me
Longer than the next morning
I lay in hope
That when you face me
You won't tire of what you see.

I lay in desperation
And in fear
Of losing you
With ourselves sitting,
Watching
These eyes and heart
Fading away
Less than an arm's reach
From the desired dream
Less than an arm's reach
When I'll lose you

And I'll be cast
Into detriment
Soaked in self-loathing
Screaming internally
At my mistakes.

I miss waking up with the sun
And not worrying about a thing
The only thing on my mind
Was what games I might play that day
And it was fine
I had nothing and no one
To be responsible for
Just make sure that all of my toys
End up in the chest
And my bed is made every morning

I miss when twenty dollars
Felt like all the money in the world
And for me it was
It was enough for all I wanted
I miss only having wants
Never worrying about needs

Life was just so simple.

A descriptive word
I not often would present
To myself
Has been cast in blindness
By the spotlight

The curtain distorts
The intentions
Of even my own
Acknowledgment

Dwelling at my reflection in the water
When ripples form
At another coin I toss
Wishing

Wishing at a well
Instead of planning,
Because planning
Makes the dream real,
And I’m afraid of reality.

I could spend my whole life
Staring into my reflection
Debating on what I'm worthy of wishing,
Instead of not letting those thoughts
Take over my mind
Fidgeting with coins between my fingers
Before I inevitably let flick,
Instead of pretending I believe in myself
And take a chance on something.

Why would I rather
Be alone
Than run into
Your open arms
Waiting for me?

What things are so important
That I cannot just turn away
So easily?
Doing nothing
Instead of loving.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Can I keep doing this?
Pushing on uninspired every day..
Creating things I hate
Not because of what they are
But because I had to make them
It's a shame, because you could've been loved
if I'd have loved you when I made you
But even the gentle stream
Destroys the bolder with time.

No matter how much I change,
You will always see the face of the me who hurt you.
I guess the truth is I’m inescapable though.
I’m never someone new, just the same me but bigger.
My brain gets a few more wrinkles,
And I try to be better than I was yesterday.

How can you do that to somebody,
After telling them you loved them?
Believe the lies you tell yourself,
And pass them on to people who care?
They deserve better, you know?
You really don’t think you could be better?

It doesn’t really matter anymore,
No apologies will fix this.
Every word breathed in desperation for forgiveness,
Is like burning acid rain on their soul.
Your presence only serves as a reminder of the danger of trust,
So you’re better gone than forgiven.

Often, an image returns to my brain
That makes me shudder
I drive myself insane
Over the words I'm too afraid to utter
About a stain that I've kept hidden
A part of my history quarantined
Can I ever outrun this past?
Will my conscience ever be cleaned?

Or am I just trying to run from my own shadow?

Torches march alone
Deep inside the stone wall
That imprisons me.

A drastic change
Comes from the heart
Tearing strings
Like guitar picks

I’m dying,
Aren’t I?
Starvation fills my body
When I wake
Even though I had a full plate

Surely it’s not the
Sporadic over drinking
To chase a numb
Or catch a high
From ghost peppers

Why does this pain
Seem chronic
And more often
Than less recent?

What am I to do
But question the sky
And falter?
I know not of the answer.

Will I go out like the sun
Yellow, orange, red, and pink
Burning until the end?
Or will I be like the moon
And quietly let the coming light
erase me from the sky?

Save me from my remnants,
That flake away
From my soul.

Bury me alive,
Away from those
Who draw me in so easily.

An emotional scratching post
To them is all
I ever was,

Reach inside
My hollow chest
And finish what they started,

For I am nothing but a seed
Traversing this
Barren dirt,

Left only to
My dire thoughts,
Taking slowly my life essence.

The clouds, they overcast this
True face with a
Gilded mask,

As I'm left to
Scream beneath it,
Oh, save me from my remnants.

The uncontrollable urge
To gaze upon the macabre
We're trapped here
Our consciousness cannot escape
But only cease
So some are drawn to the dying
A morbid curiosity
To catch a glimpse
Of what lies beyond
The prison walls of living

Temptation
Coming from somewhere so deep
And so dark
To wander just a little closer to the edge
To peek behind the curtain
To take a step closer to the edge of the void
To look for answers
On the edge of a razor blade
Or at the bottom of a bottle of pills
The thought is equally nauseating and exhilerating

Numb fingers grip a cold metal **** and turn
Numb legs shuffle numb feet through the doorway
The cold world sends a gust
Like an archer taking one last shot at fleeing prey
But all the cold is a memory
Once I enter the warmth of your arms
When I can lay my head in your lap
And be blanketed with love and reassurance
You’ve made yourself my home
The pillow I can rest my head on when I’m exhausted
But you can’t let me sleep forever.

The cold used to shock me
Intense and unrelenting
I could use the shock to drive me
To run or light fires
I used to want to fix it
And the cold made me better
But now my body’s adapted
And escape is only a message away

Now I’m stuck in a blizzard I’ve let develop
In a cold that will eventually **** me
But I’m too numb to do anything anymore
With guilt, I turn to you to ask more than I deserve

You just wanted to be my comfy place
My escape from the cold
But I’m asking you to be a rock
Be something I can lean on for support
Be something that pushes me forward
Break me out of this numbness
Make me fight the cold again
So that this blizzard with dissolve
Love me in a way that doesn’t feel like loving to you.

The arrival of life
Something new is beginning
Before my very eyes
The world does not try to hide it
I’ll be replaced even before I’m buried
But I do not resent you
I’m not jealous of what I’ll miss
I’ve already lived my lifetime
And that’s all anybody gets.

My body slows
As gravity has it’s way with me
My mind is slowing too
Slowly the neural network is going dark
And with everything slowing down
What does time do?
It races ever faster
Our first day was longer than last week.

The page is turned once again
As a eulogy of winter is recited
While the weather outside steadily
Changes the season
As the sun seems to shift
Towards the North
Until it reaches its maximum height in the sky.

I see the leaves regain life
And flowers sprout from the ground
Blossoming the earth
With new shades.
The Vernal ground develops
As I can see the dirt slowly begin to give
Between my feet
As the ground in which I stand
Has no seasons.
Its nature is unknown
And already it rots at my feet
It’s as though even nature
Has an understanding
That soon is my time to go.