Was it a glitch?
Or was it a reminder
That the end is coming?
I speak to the stars
To provide answers,
As they have passed on
Inspiration to gaze upon
For years,
But they remain silent
As though they have forgotten me.
Perhaps since I learned my death day
On January 1st,
I lost my ability to live
With the gift
Of new knowledge.

I cheated,
And now feel invisible
As the world
Passes around me.
I’m no longer an obstruction
I’m just a figure
With no shadow,
With only the ability to write,
And post
And fulfill what I promised,
But I fear
What comes after
When yesterday’s
Was written illegible.

A cold abrasion
Numbing as quickly
As the words outpouring
Making raw a mind
Knowing no different
Than to accept
And try to live with
The disappointment
Of oneself.

Havoc raining as a wave
Twice as tall
Allowing no escape
But to watch
As the trauma unfolds
And the words
Spoken out of hate
Branded on my brain
As a reminder
Of being unworthy.

A blank canvas
Unknowing
To the wide staring eyes
Bruised beneath
The blank canvas veil
That is the shell
Of skin,
More alien on this body
The more photo albums
A mind fills with memories.

Could I really be
The monster
Of which
She speaks?

Deleting
Is the only option
To escape the toil
Of counting fingers
And reading
Truths and falsehoods
To conclude
Innocence or guilt
In my adolescence.

Silence is a grave
That one finds comfort in
When these walls
Are so used to ringing ears
From the storm
That only lasts seconds
But lingers
In the gilded silence
As the mind speaks
Above the bloodflow
When all one can do
Is plug ears
With fingertips
In order to live with oneself

Retaliation lies beneath
The bleeding
Now only visible
If friends are let close
To see
As the heart
Tears threads
That have been sewn
To restrict emotion
Loosening the seal
On the demon cradled within

A furnace
Are thrown the old photo albums
But in turn are the recents
As a block in the mind
Has been created
To forget
Because nothing is worth remembering
During a childhood
Of only knowing
The names
And the fear
Of what you are,
And after such a block has been made
Remembrance
Is no longer
A thread
Sewn in
To allow an escape.

These days the well of ideas runs dry
I can no longer lower my bucket
And bring it up full
With enough to satisfy your thirst for creativity
And to satisfy my thirst to create
Yet I am chained to my commitment
To bring you this daily offering
So I turn to the dry stones of my well
And try to squeeze water from them

I hope this mere drop is enough

As the days brush the pages of a calendar
And the sunsets feel more monochrome
While the breeze feels less relaxing
When the stars seem to shine dimmer
Beyond the moon, misunderstood
With the tides turning, burdensome
The road will lead to March,
And then forever on.

Shades of green, brown, yellow, orange
The death fall brings is beautiful withering
But winter's soft white blankets
Replace that beauty with monotone
And make the air too cold for moving
It freezes the soul
To be trapped inside walls
And only see only white under an infinite grey sky
I struggle to feel or want anything
But to exist for the purpose of staying warm
Until spring's promise is followed through
And the earth's plants thirsting for water and starving for sun
Emerge from melted snow to usher in warmth and color again.

It just struck me as odd
Since we sleep to regain energy
To do the things we need to
The next time the sun rises

But what do we rest in peace for
I think it’s a different kind of sleep
My matter dissipates in the dirt
And awakes to live in the roots
Of all the trees that gave me shade
And the flowers that defined beauty

The only better place I’m going
Is the world beneath your feet.

This carving knife
Tears skin
Like plucking threads;
The pain of the mind
Let out
Through physical response,
Immeasurable.
A tear,
A grain of sand,
Time ticks
Present to past.
It’s an awful state
To survive
In such a way;
Not even living,
Just pulling through
On a razor blade
To appease the nightmare—
The shadow;
What an awful presence.

A deep embrace
Into the arms
You withdraw
Changes my soul
To a tinge
Cataclysmic,
While remaining the muse
For all my best work
Just to tantalize
How deep the abyss steals
From my paper-thin
Mask unable
To hide the intake
Of your second hand smoke
Taunting with every
Exhale against my lips.

So steal another,
But one without rhymes
Because the road
You dragged me along
With the noose
You tied, yourself,
Is one I travel
Often,
And find myself a smile
Held back
From a road I gave too much credit
For my shadow,
As the driver
I let loose,
But now my eyes
Stare on the other end
Of the bars you left me
To cower alone.

For now, I flaunt the scar
Of the noose you gave
And the tearing of my back
When you dragged me along,
And think about
Whether or not
An epiphany
Will find you
Acknowledging the mistakes
Within the grave, hidden
That you continue digging,
For you’re already six feet deep,
Yet you keep going.
You don’t get to be my muse
Any longer;
Your eyes have hidden
The retraction
Of your sins,
When will they boil over?

In this life
So much darkness
Death
Sadness
I leave my house in the morning
On my way to work
When I’m there
And when I come back
I see broken people
Isolated from themselves to be more marketable
Isolated from loved ones by the impermeable barrier of death
Even the best steel masks society has on display
Show signs of chipping and decay

Everything runs on money in the adult world
You sell your soul to the highest bidder
And hope it’s enough to get a little bit of comfort
For some they hope it’s enough to survive
It’s disgraceful to call it hope
The truth is desperation
The truth of the world built before we were born
Before I could see your face with a few taps of the screen
And know that everybody was human like me
Keeping the voices and faces out of sight
The human world was built greedy and impersonal

But amidst greed’s victims and victors
In an isolated pocket
You live in your own world
Pets don’t worry about money
Children haven’t had the value of money or objects ingrained into their minds
Consciousness free from the worries and burden of the state of things
Allows for a purity few that grow up can understand or possess..
But this wicked world takes everything..
Imagine what the world might be if we could break free of the tradition of greed..
Stop treating each other as property.. As tools..
I get a glimpse every time I see this purity and think..
The world, as it is, doesn’t deserve you.

The sauce of life is edible;

Fuggin dig in.

The passenger seat feels empty
When I turn and don't see you
When I lay my hand on the armrest
Instead of resting it on your thigh
Doing nothing never felt this empty
When I was doing nothing with you

The sunset hasn't changed
The colors are just as bright
But that burning sky was always prettier
Reflected in your eyes
It's a small thing
But all the small things meant everything to me

When the sun is gone
The other stars get their chance to shine
But when I lay down to take it all in
I can't help but feel what's missing
On the ground next to me
Where you used to be

Your ghost has followed me
In places where we loved
The afterglow of the brightest part of my life
Was once all I could see

But now the overwhelming glow
Is just a few embers in the wind
I already lost you once
But now I'm losing you again

In places where we loved
Now even your ghost is fading

I thought memories would last forever..
With them I could live without you


But I'd rather die than forget.. then forget forgetting

Let me
die with my
memor-

Today the breath of life suffocates me
And the poison I poured
Makes me ask
If it is too much.

I feel a shadow in my head
That wants more
A craving
For a taste

Poison used for medicine
To heal by forgetting
And living in present
Without the burden of feeling

What an awful sensation:
The sense of touch;
After holding of another
Is learned,

The body never forgets,
And the only thing
That gives the senses in my skin
Amnesia of touching

Is the poison I pour,
But it’s never enough.

Memories plant the ability to look backwards on one’s reality
So that they may change
And realize what was worth the pain
And what was only a mistake.

Although wishing for amnesia
Makes for a painful breakup song
I doubt anyone would truly
Wish for something so cruel.

Self awareness revoked
Just sitting in a chair
Not even conscious
While staring at whatever lies right in front

Not understanding why people hug you
And why they're crying
Not understanding what
Crying even is

As the mumbles
Incomprehensible
Escape from chapped lips
And dire eyes

I wonder if you’d even know of your end.

The room is cold
Lit only by the moon
I am curled up on my knees
Agonizing over old wounds
I want to scream
I want to let out a cry
But my voice is so tired
And my tear ducts have run dry

How did my life end up this way
Why did fate pull out the rug
Just to watch me slip and fall?
Was there any thought before it tugged?
Sadness turned to bitter hatred
For whatever calls the shots
It seems fate is against me
Whatever I do, it schemes and plots

That's how I felt ‘til today
When everything suddenly clicked
That there's no force to aim hatred at
There's no one to convict
There's nothing going against me
No puppet master pulling the strings
Just the unstoppable movement forward
And the inevitable losses it brings.

I was misguided..
I'm sorry for all the bitterness I've held for you..
For something that never felt any way about me..
Just a thoughtless process bound by natural law.

So long, old friend.
The way has lit a path
To new places,
But the bruises we have shared
And patched together
Through the years
Will not be forgotten.

I miss you
And I’ll be missing you
Old friend.
For the clock ticks
Us forever apart
No matter how close
And yet, still,
I know you’re there for me.

Brothers we are
You and I,
Old friend,
And I wish you
The very best in life
As you’ve made mine
Worthy of smiling back on.

And looking forever before my sight
Will I be in waiting
Of our next meeting.
For the way has lit a path
To new places;

So long, old friend.

I've had a string of nightmares
All following a theme
The kind that speaks to truths
That live outside of my dreams
They show me sudden twists
Tragedy, this horror's name
In instants how all life can leave
How all light can leave the brain

Tonight's dream, I was surrounded with friends. We parked in a remote spot surrounded by thick trees. Tall brown trunks extending upward, dark green vines and moss descend from the hidden ceiling, and dead leaves cover the ground in shades of green, yellow, orange, and brown, hiding thick roots we try not to trip over.

In the distance as we push through the forest with enthusiasm, I begin to hear the soft fluctuating static of waves crashing onto a sandy shore somewhere beyond the trees. My dreaming mind made no words, but I remember the conversations clearly for how they made me feel. I loved this group. I felt we had gone through a great deal of time together, and despite recognizing no faces, they all felt so familiar and so dear to me.

Almost all at once the leafy ground turned to sand. We had reached the beach we were headed for, and grey skies extended to the horizon over dark bluish green waters. This part of the dream is hazy. We quickly got into the water, but they pressured me to swim deeper. Rather than be alone or hold them back, I swam out, but my heart sunk looking down. Something about not being able to see the floor filled me with panic... so I kept my eyes on my friends and eventually we went back to shore.

Now I remember something strange. A feeling of deja vu. A feeling that I had had this dream before, and that something bad was about to happen.. but the four of us were so happy. Someone I felt was my best friend, another I felt I was in love with, and the last someone we all cherished equally, the smallest of the group.

We walked back into the forest, this time on a path. The spirit of adventure filled all of us, and we couldn't help but run along it, embracing the forest as a playground we had to ourselves. At one point I remember climbing a tree, as the one I loved climbed one near me. As we ascended, suddenly my stomach dropped again, and I was filled with dread. The world froze.

I recognized it. This was it. I remembered her face from when I dreamed this before. The angle I was looking at her from. Her next move would destroy her balance and send her falling.. a fall she'd never get back up from. I yelled for my best friend as time resumed, and he ran to just below us. I looked at his face looking up with concern, and felt momentarily relieved that maybe I could change this outcome.. momentarily..

In an instant my love was falling, and I felt my heart stop with anticipation.. she fell onto him.. he tried to catch her.. but when they collided there was a sickening crack. She slowly got up, but then began to scream, as we both took in what was happening. My best friend lay there motionless, except for his eyes. He attempted to speak some words.. but I knew he had no control of his lungs. He couldn't even look at me.. even though I knew he was trying.. and after some seconds of agony.. he evaporated into glimmering golden specs of dust. Everything that made him him was gone.. what was left was a corpse.

The horror of that moment woke me
And I was glad it was only a dream
But even though it never really happened
I still remember the horrible sights and sounds of that scene
What a terrible tragedy
To be robbed of crucial time
To come to terms that somebody's leaving
And instead have to jump to the end of the line

The worst of all might be having no enemy to blame.. the final grain from the hourglass.. fell from an accident.. a tragedy.

Purity

Clear water without a hint of discoloring
Free from anything however small floating inside
What is the purity of your kindness
Can goodness be tainted?
Although the outcome is wholesome
Do motivations lessen the good of goodness?

Selfish "Good"

How good is goodness
If goodness is conditional?
If all the good I ever do
Is to get something back
If I neglect those with nothing to offer
And bargain with those who'll do anything for help?
A desperate cry to my ears sounds the same
As coins clinking while they form a pile
As the shuffling of bills
With every "good" deed
My heart races as the weight of debts owed to me grows

Obligatory Goodness

When the pure water of a good act
Is used to put out eternal fire
Done not because I love you
But to appease my angry master
Under threat of hell, how can my motivation remain pure?
If good people is what the master wants
Why even muddy the waters with goodness under threat?
Unless it's not about good people
But about having people that can be controlled
Monopolizing on man's fear of the unknown
To create slaves that will shackle themselves
For the illusion of safety
And to be free of the burden of thinking

The Good Face

How good are good acts
Done merely to preserve an image?
To stay in people's good favors?
To be praised for your selflessness?
Like the good that asks for something in return
And the one that comes from fear
If being good was not rewarded
Would you still seek it out?
You can't help if people praise you
For doing what anyone should
But you can help if that's what drives you
If you save all your goodness for the spotlight

For Goodness Sake

I saw you hurting
Your face was not that of a stranger's
Because although I've never met you
I know you.
You're me, if all our circumstances switched
I'm just as human as you
There are no main characters here
It only feels that way because ours are the only thoughts we hear
But you're no different than me.
We're all only people
But I have the ability to help
And so I will.
I don't need to be seen
I don't need you to repay me
I'm not afraid of any religion's hells
I just have compassion for you, fellow human.
Unconditional love is the heart of pure goodness
The heart of goodness for goodness sake.

My friendships
Turn to dust
As another date
I said offhand,
I failed to commit
To memory.

Trauma of the past
Has left remnant seeds
Of which I rely on
As a survival instinct
That has driven,
Like roots,
Uncontrollably through
Every friendship I gain.

I forget the most basic
Conversations and things
I’ve said,
But my past,
Made black in defense
Of my ability to move forward,
Shows plainly
That most of it I did not need;
Files have been deleted,
And only frames
Of each have been contrived
To make looking back easier to handle.

I often wish it was not this way,
And find myself apologizing
For a defense mechanism
That has rooted in the very fabric
Of every memory—
Will they ever forgive me?
Will I?—
I hope they don’t see the blank
Canvas that I see.

Will it ever be filled
With anything other than
The coffee stains
That have been left
From when I’ve decidedly
Put off trying
Not to forget?

Or will it be an everlasting
White, that juxtaposes
The darkness I see when I look back?—

It tantalizes me, truly.

I'm not afraid of strangers
But.. maybe I should be
My belief in people's ability
To be good
Is it ungrounded?
Or was it just a stupid dream..
A reality that only lives
In the unrestricted wilds of my imagination's depths?

The setting was dark
Night time on a suburban outskirt street
Light poles spill out orange light
Coloring the sidewalk ahead of me
But I'm not walking for leisure
I'm walking away from something
All I have is an echo of voices
Voices that wish to destroy all I have
Despite all I have residing in a single van.

At this point I have nothing
I am homeless
And I am hated
Nothing too strange to not exist in reality
Maybe I should be afraid of strangers

My hurried shuffling brings me to a van
That I recognize as my own
That I recognize as my home.
But what's inside is unrecognizable
A body quick to rise
A face I've never seen that speaks with a voice I've never heard
"Get out of here, this is my car"
He said..
This car is all I have.. I couldn't let it go
"No, it's mine and I can prove it. I have the key."
I respond with all confidence
He's in the wrong and I can prove it
But in a moment right and wrong is no longer based in logic

He pulls out a gun.

Why would someone who doesn't know me
Be so ready to **** me..
And for what..?
A car..?
I've heard of people dying for less in this world
Maybe I should be afraid of strangers

So now I turn around
Running as best I can
While curses, threats, and insults are thrown at me
But they have no sting
Nothing can hurt me with my adrenaline so high
Knowing that I'm trapped in this street with no cover
Running away with no chance of escape
Just going through the motions
As I wait to hear the gunshot that ends me

And then I woke up.

A season groups together months
Like days into weeks,
And forgotten in the sands of time
Rests the first month,
Nameless,
Because of my oblivion
In regard to the reel of time
Of fishing line
Steadily pulling out,
As the great trespasser
Ripples my water.

Fitting that the first month
Joins the dead of winter,
Since it will be the last time
I lay my eyes
On the untouched
Ice crystalline ground;
It’s sad coming to acknowledge
That in preaching of not taking for granted
Even a second,
I myself am ripe with hypocrisy
As I took for granted such a sight.

I’m a steady ripple
Heading straight for the shores
To be stranded,
For time’s turning
Of the wheel
Is unchanged
As my destination
Approaches
More rapidly than I’m prepared
To undertake,
And nobody can save me now.

I missed you again today
I took a step forward
While you took a step back
You saw and went to meet me
But I was already changing course
It's so frustrating..
The days we're out of sync
That end with questions unanswered

I missed another text today
A friend came by to check in
I just wasn't paying attention
And left you standing at the door
Left you staring at the word “delivered"
While I space out
Staring at an empty wall

Why is it so easy sometimes
To know exactly what everyone's thinking
And so ******* days like today
Where I feel completely disconnected
The answers are written on the faces
That I can't read or never see
I hope it's just a phase

Days like today leave me afraid

That I'm losing my humanity.

Brash as a wave
Is your verbose overbearance;
A noise box without a crank,
Just spit and sputter;
Have no breaks.
A false embrace
To make a step towards
What you said you wanted
Because a train on a track
Stops at nothing
Without a destination.

I have to confess,
When I feel your skin
I picture someone else;
When I look in your eyes
I look at my reflection
And question
My intentions
Wondering if I’ll
Ever have the strength
To admit disingenuity.

Puckering lips begging
To be held by another pair,
And mine have no desire
They just blankly stare.
I find more romantic fulfillment
From a pillow late at night
Than your arms
Intertwining within tangled sheets
And fake smiles.

Is this the ****** of the story?
Or did I just finish you again
Because I’m so dry
That I can’t tell why I even
Give you my time or attention.
We’re disingenuous acquaintances,
Not even lovers,
Not even friends,
We’re just here
We’re just convenient
And I think I’m finally spent.

Is there something wrong with me,
For feeling like I do?
With so many beautiful eyes around me,
I only want to be seen by you.
You have doubts cause there are others closer,
But I only want to be held by you.
I was doing fine alone,
But now I can hardly breathe without you.

There are thirteen hours between us,
After the sun sets you begin your day,
But I miss sleep just to talk to you,
And then rest easy knowing you're okay.
Is it okay to fall this hard?
To feel as if nothing else matters..
To throw my heart to you across the world,
Knowing if you don't catch it, it will shatter.

I can't stop myself from trusting you though,
Because everything's so much better,
When I let all my walls down and love,
Your love warms me like a sweater.
I hold on to hope that I'll be with you someday,
Doing all we hoped we'd do,
I believe if I keep holding on,
There's no way you won't come through.

I know there's nothing wrong with me,
I'm just learning how to trust.
You've given me something to believe in,
After so many promises crumbled to dust.
I won't feel guilty for trusting you,
As long as your love is guaranteed,
Because a life with you is worth the risk,
Darling, you are all I need.

Thinking of the way the wind blows
It seems a bit lighter today.
Closing my eyes,
I lose moments of my existence;
A year left to live…
Is it a curse to have the task
Of writing daily?
Should I blame the sky
For all the wear
I’m undertaking,
Before an undertaker
Assesses my lifeless figure
And helps others remember
Who I was--
Resurrecting me with makeup
And sewing me back together?

Is it a curse to be alive,
Living only half of what was promised
As sleep takes the stars from my sight
And blinking steals moments
Out of every frame of my life?
It’s hard to be witness
To such an existence
I wonder what their punishment
Will be if I miss a day posting.
Should I resign?
Or will they just force me?
I’m afraid of what’s to come,
But blinking is stealing
Moments of my life away--
Moments, I surmise, that in bargaining,
I could regain.

Precious seconds fill the void of time
For every second that goes by
One month has passed
And only eleven more
Before the end.
Do you just sit there
Waiting to be consumed,
Or do you feel life
In every second that passes?
Either way your time is limited.

Are you here?
Are you present in this moment,
Or is the passing of time something that happens to you?
What did you eat for breakfast last monday?
Do you even remember this morning?
Don’t let these precious seconds slip by,
Just because they’re not tied to precious memories.
Because the seconds with the people you love,
And the ones passed in the monotony of the day to day,
Are all the same length,
And each is an equal step forward
To the last second you get to spend.

Wilting is in our nature;
It's a part of existence
But the wilting bud left unbloomed
Leaves no greater waste
Of beautiful minds.
Sprout and let your roots
Plant deep
But let your heart show
That what you keep to yourself,
Doesn’t need to be uprooted
To be shown.
Just because the sky breathes
Winter through the clouds,
Doesn’t mean the sun
Isn’t shining behind them’
Don’t let yourself wilt
Just because the sky gives an excuse.

Existential horror.
The dread of being on a conveyor belt,
Taken somewhere you don’t know,
Your destination far away or around the corner,
With no power to slow down or stop.
Now or later,
We all reach the destination we’re bound for,
So why waste another moment,
Staring blankly down,
In attempts to deny you’re going anywhere?
Look up,
And join us as we face the end with hope.
334 more days.
334 more opportunities to live instead of simply not dying.

There’s been damage
Another crack in the wall of trust we built together

There’s writing on it now
Telling tales of future betrayal
And panicked thoughts
Fill my head
Telling me to either fortify or run away

And what do you do in response?

“I’m sorry”

A bandaid on a dam about to burst
Not even that
Because you still hold the hammer
That you took to our wall
Trying to tell me you’ve dropped it
While tightening your grip

“It’s okay”

My response creates a cloud
Now communication is severed
And we’re only exchanging pleasantries
To keep up a veil
A large but thin cloth
In the place our wall stood
So I don’t see you build your arsenal
While I build new walls and retreat

*******.
For keeping sweet music in my ears
Performing sleight of hand to distract me
Telling me sweet and beautiful lies

I wanted to believe you
But my eyes fell from your lips this time
To your knuckles growing pale
Telling of a coming attack
While your mouth told of retreat

By the time you hear this I’ll be far away
Or maybe right behind your back
Was my retreat a setup for me to someday go on the attack?
I’ll let that burn inside you so you know how the paranoia feels
And if I ever get revenge.. I guess I can only say “I’m sorry”

“Ok” says the shy kid
To a block of text of advice
That won’t ever break the barrier in his head.
He's got those sky blue eyes
And a deep rooted soul
With a wide fake smile
And compassion,
But he doesn't say much,
If he says anything at all,
And he looks like he’s forgotten,
So I asked him,
“Are you okay?”

He just smiled,

And so I asked him,

I asked him,
“Are you okay?”

And he responded with an endless stream
Of messages that were carved in deep
About how he knows he's not good enough
And about the lies he receives
That he believes
Because he's shy,
And I wonder ******* why,
And he explained the abuse he gets at home
From a caring father
Who screams and breaks
Any fortitude within
The shy kids brain,

So I got to school early the next day,
The next day,
The next week,

And he told me
He told me suicide
Was a way to escape
The awful lies, words, name and hate,
And I cried for him to stay;
I cried his name,

But he secluded himself to the point of scarcity
And concerned me until
I had to tell somebody
Because I couldn’t lose the shy kid
Even if I broke his trust.

He told me of a caring father who cared about grades
Instead of headspace, nor thoughts,
Or mental health at all,
Just a punching bag for words
To exhale the stress of his work,
Supplanting all trust and love, in his child,
With desperation cries in hate;
I cried his name.

I cried his name.

“Ok” says the shy kid,
Who doesn’t know what he wants to be
Or what he wants to do with his life,
And so I’d spend every waking moment of the day
Trying to convince him that he was good enough for me
Enough to stay, in this place,
Even though it is really all hell and pain,
And he went quiet,
And then I realized I untracked his train
That headed past the barricade
The one time of day
Where he could get away.

And I asked him, “what’s wrong?”
Already unhinging the train, I thought
I should be there to dull the havoc I caused,
And so I asked him, “what's wrong?”

And he typed,

He typed,

“I’m such a disappointment
A disgrace, an imperfection
Not even wanted,
Just replaced so easily my name
With words outpouring
Digging in through my skin
Parasitic in my veins,”
He said “can you help me?”

“Can you help me?”

I said, “idk”

“Can you help me?”

I said, “idk”

He said “it's fine, I'm fine”

He said he's fine,
But now I’m sure he was thinking
That it was fine
That his friend didn't have time
To hear about how the wind
Was nearly blowing him from the edge
And it wasn’t but a breeze
Blowing light

He said he’s fine,
And now I'm sure he was thinking
That it’s fine living in hell on earth
When wherever you walk is burning
So you can't tell the difference between
Compliments and insults
Because they all feel the same
When all you hear at home
Is taxidermied words
That fake life or meaning
And are just a coping method
For a caring father
To give the shy kid
Instant appraisal out of anger and screaming,
while at school you hear popular girls
Laughing at your reactions to their words,
How can you tell?
How can you tell when the the basis of the day
Is verbal abuse, school, and bad grades?

I wonder if you’re doing okay

Just thinking of the day
I laid in the snow
Wishing myself away

I wonder if you’re doing okay

Just thinking of the day
I laid in the snow
Wishing myself away

And cried his name.

Is a life worth living
If I only live to keep on living
To see another sunrise
But reject the many pleasures
That don't come free
After all, as my shadow grows longer
With the light behind my eyes
Slowly setting
Setting the sky of my mind on fire
With beautiful colors
That signal of my brain's decaying
My body starts to slow and ache
As everyone I know dies off
Because I chose to live for living's sake..

But is it any better
To live for life's pleasures
To trade a rusty *****
For an excavator
And accelerate the digging of my grave
A life that's short but full
Of tastes and experiences
To become a smiling gluttonous corpse
Spending every future sunrise I had
For instant gratification
For the joy
Of never having to tell myself no
Escape the fate of a long burning, dim star
To be a shooting one
Shining bright but only for a moment

Should I fear the sunset
At daybreak?
Should I be numb?
Or should I gild a mask
And live out the rest
As though
Acknowledgement
Of the bell toll slipped
And pretend.

One day
Has through been marked
And life goes on.
No beginning
Can avoid the end
And certainly
Not one such as I,
I’m a piece of the puzzle
A star to blaze
In the night.

The only question on my mind--
Will that blaze carry on
Through the night sky
Careen through
And outshine
Andromeda,
For galaxies
From millions away
To be awe-inspired
And unite if only for a moment,
Or will it be snuffed out
Only to be left
In the memory of few.

Of all the scars
Amassed from misadventures many
Beside the ones I'm proud to have survived
And the ones I've humbly taken a lesson from
There is one scar I can't bear to see
A small scratch of a scar
But it's being so mild that drives me crazy.

This scar was created
By separation from someone
Who I once tried to be one with
Yet it is not the fact they left
That covers my taste buds in bitterness when I recall
But the fact that they only left

It's a small scar
And should've disappeared by now
But I can't keep myself
From reopening it to keep the pain fresh
In hopes that feeling some small pain
Over and over
May someday satisfy my desire to be punished

They left me with this scar
But I left them with many more
The deepest kind that comes from trusting
From believing in me
Before I believed in myself
And I betrayed this trust
This belief

Not once.
Not twice.
I left you with three deep cuts.

In moments of apathy
I lost sight of what you meant to me
I lost sight of everything
And with the will to live resigned
I told myself you deserved better
As if I had any say
A naive ******* and a child.

I hid behind these excuses
Believing I was a victim of my sickness
To deny responsibility
And whether because of exhaustion
Or some small part of you that still believed
I was granted a pardon
You would only leave and nothing more

But now that I've chosen to shoulder the blame I deserve
I'm sick to see this small scar is all I have
For all I've done to you
But maybe the punishment I want now
Is not the one I deserve.
Maybe this is justice
To ever so slowly burn.

Why do I let you steal my sleep,
With tattooed memories of
Your eyes before you kissed me,
Or the way your breathing felt,
When my lips could feel
Your intendedly loud exhales
Against your throat?

You’ve stolen my will to dream.
I just pull at my hair,
And burn my arms
With streaks of red  
From fingernails scratching
Away my skin,
To appease the temptation,
To ignite my masochistic tendencies.

I am scattered as a vase,
Let from fingertips,
Whose will was promised strong,
And fidelity was faked.

I’m nothing but a train
Wailing the horns
With no brakes,
My memories of you are replaced with scorn,
Opposing my heart--
Too stubborn to be convinced
Of your lies.

I’m sputtering, with a loving
Heart that never predicted
This path to take.
I have nothing to say.
You had a lot of firsts in my book,
But never would I have thought
You’d be the first I erased.

Honesty was a trait I once admired
Within you, but now,
I wish your hypocrisy
Was hidden from the light;
The smoking gun you handed me, yourself,
I wish you kept it out of sight.
Why must I be forever scarred
Knowing the one I loved,
Shot me in the heart?

Why does despair hold me tighter,
Than your words or the touch of skin?
Fall witness to your impiety, pray,
And victimize the weight of your sin
And be forgiven.

For the grudge I hold might beg of me,
In my own impiety,
Onto my knees, praying, myself, that you won’t be,
But cursed are we who think,
Any control is given within clasping hands,
And narrow teeth;
Cursed are we,
Who speak
From the backseat,
On revenge’s itinerary.

I woke up breathless and gasping
My heartbeats almost too fast to count
Even my dreams now
Are riddled with anxiety
Like blood dispersing through clear water
The blackness swirls elegantly
Spreading gently to every part of me
To lie in wait
Until the stress comes
And when it does
The inky blackness that settled gently
Into my muscles and bones
Contracts all at once
Locking me in place
Squeezing the air out of my lungs
Accelerating my heart towards burnout
Setting my mind on fire
Until I can't focus to have a single thought
And dissolve into panic

It's days like these
That make me wish I was bored again.

Wringing out a cloth
Of blood tinged indescribable,
Will you accept the loss you’ve gained
Are you scraped within the shadow?

Life is springing from that material
As though the one who lost,
Has made a new
Through the stains
That will never be completely flushed.

Color will be reimposed,
Washed will be the hands riddled with red,
Deep breaths will be regained
After the brutal adrenaline subsides,
But the memory of the sanity lost
From such an impulsive enclosure
Proliferates rancid transcendence
Within your lungs.

Will you be able to live with what you’ve done?
Are you lost to the silence
Ringing in the blood flow
That cannot be unimprinted?
Your hands too cold to feel
Your blood too clotted to boil into an outpour
To let a scream reach inside
To unrestrain your throat.
No way you’ll endure
You’re just a second
From realising taking a life
Isn’t something revenge restores
And the punishment is written in your eyes
I wonder if you’ll keep them closed.

I see you over there
Staring at the floor
Behind your eyes
I can see that you want more
You know what it is
What you’re looking for
But dreams are hard to chase
And they’re easy to ignore

So you keep your head down
So your feet don’t leave that floor
Cause there’s no chance of falling
If you never try to soar
But does the pain of knowing
What you could do
Ever go away
When you pretend that you don’t want it
Is it any easier that way

You can tell your feet
To leave the ground
Take a deep breath
And ignore the sound
Of the doubts inside your head
That are keeping you down
Do it now

Leave this place
A prison for the free
A prison you built yourself
And one where your belief
And the desire for something more
Is the only key you need
So go and do it now
Pursue the possibilities

Your body’s heavy  
And it’s a battle just to breathe
So where could you ever find the strength
To even try to leave
Take a long look inside
Don’t leave the dreaming for your bed
The fire inside you will burn
Until you give up or you’re dead

Stillness is the surest sign
That you’ve lost sense of your will
It may be small in the beginning
But in time it’s strong enough to ****
You can move your body
With a soul that’s stuck in place
And it’s easy to lose sight of the point
When you learn that all will be erased

So what if nothing here
Means anything
If you find something
That means everything to you
A reason for living
A purpose you give yourself
Chase it now.

Leave this place
A prison for the free
A prison you built yourself
And one where your belief
And the desire for something more
Is the only key you need
So go and do it now
Pursue the possibilities

Just hang in there
You’ve only a moment to shine
You can’t impact everybody’s life
But you’ve impacted mine
You’ve made the one small speck of time I have
So much better
I’ll remember you forever
Even though my forever has an end
It made my everything
Just to know you, friend.

My eyelids wane like a raging
Sun strewn across
An unexpecting moon’s surface
To be viewed
From the thin slice of this desolate
Bitter blue planet.

Given a phase
By the uncomfortable
So that 28 days were easier understood,
And when eclipses flair,
Screaming across the sky,
We predict
So that schedules are constructed,
Making safe the unstable.

Writing a soft chill
When the dark side
Is the point of complexion shining
And we give labels
And names
To block out our
Primal fear
Of being so far away
And so forgotten to the stars.

The waxing and waning moon
In the sky residing,
Has no phases to itself,
Its rotation is not
But an orbit around our world.
Blame it on the moon,
But the moon never changes
Unlike these eyes
Eclipsed by your arrogance,
And shamed through your labels.

Not everything has to align
To your egocentricity.
Not the labeled one in the sky,
And not these,
Whose iris blocks out the aurora
That rages shallowly behind.
Your view may be true to you,
As the moon is only true to itself,
But the only difference:

One is an opinion
Forged within but a lifetime
As the other has folded upon tens
For a myriad of chances to evolve,
And yet never changed, thus has been
Sewn into fact,
Avoiding your cage,
That, if you only looked closer,
You’d understand
These bars
Wall up only yourself,
And maybe that comforts you.

So build your walls,
Tighten the blurry line,
Make true to life
Your ability to shine
In God’s eyes.
While the outsiders
Remain,
Free to finally come to accept themselves,
Since you’re barred behind your cage,
Raging,
While the world presses on,
Without you
And your idealistic crowd.

Falter your steps
To form a line
And march, you saints,
To where the road tapers,
Maybe you too will be left behind
By those you thought
Were on your side,

I wonder if your God
Is more forgiving
Unto those who lived
With an open mind,
Than those of you
Who counted heads,
Locked yourselves away,
And despised.

It’s cold
And there’s no air here
But there’s no need
After all we’re only dreaming

The cold is only here
As long as you believe it is
So simply believe the weather’s nice
And lets gaze out into nothingness

Deep into the great empty
Small white lights blink at us
As if to say hello
And we’ll wink back

They are distant friends
Of our giant shining orb
Busy lighting up
The moons and planets and all other bodies in their orbit

It’s quiet up here
Surrounded by silver sands
Nearly untouched
By the other animals

The animals below
That live and die
That laugh and cry
Every experience on the spectrum of animal emotions all on a blue dot.

It’s nice to be away from it
If only for a little while
And truly just do nothing
But nothing with you is everything.

I hope I don’t wake up soon
So I can still take in the view
So I can cherish this moment while dreaming

After all, that’s the only time I’m with you..

I came into the world
Covered in slimy filth
I was given a name
My hair and my eyes
Already their gene appointed color
But it seems that nothing about me
Would shape my future more
Than what was or wasn't between my legs

I will always be a male by ***
But gender was assumed
Assigned because nobody knew better
A sign of the times I was born into
But as the world changed
New parts of my mind
Were opened and now I see differently

*** determined organs
And ****** functions
The rate of my growth
Tweaked hormones and such
Made me predisposed to conditions
Purely biological,
My ***

My gender however,
Determined how I was treated
Came with social implications
Of how I should act
Often split me from other humans...

I was given different advice
Held to different expectations
My role in a marriage
Other strange implications...

But   why ?

Not why genders have rules
But why genders at all
It bothers me the differences
Made by the pronouns you're called

I was born with a *****
I was born with a ******
But I don't feel like a man
I don't feel like a woman

These labels are arbitrary
And I long to be free of them
Why must I be man or woman
I just want to be person


I believe my consciousness is without gender.
I'm just a person. That's it.


This experience - is gender apathy.

What is this feeling?
I know this feeling.
It’s been a long time
Since I felt the stargaze
Tarnish before my eyes.

But I remember
Sleepless nights
And a shudder
When I saw you
For the first time.

You won’t have the same
Satisfaction
In my response;
I know what you are
And why you’re here.

You don’t have to convince me
That the shadow
You cast
Is my only friend;
I know it’s not and yet,

Here I stand.

Should I be afraid?
Will I come to fear
The places
My mind
You will take?

I’m too lost
To turn away,
You always seem to know
Just how long
This candle can burn

Before it fades.

I think I can pretend
Once more
That your vast nature
Can comfort me

I think I can pretend that
The light I see
Is more intimidating
Than the arms out you reach

But what the **** is this feeling...

What a waste of my eyes,
To see the mundane
Without realizing
That life is slipping away
Into routine.

What a waste of my hearing,
To know that I have talents
That are feeding nothing
Except the same playlists
And artists.

What a waste of my touch,
To type
Instead of feel what it means
To take a risk
In real life.

What a waste of my scent
To smell trash on counters I left,
Never getting lost in
The perfume of nature;
Never truly breathing life in.

What a waste of my pallet,
To sit here dreaming
Instead of kissing lips
That I know I want nothing more
Than to taste.

I wonder if you’ll let me see
What it means to fall with only a whisper
And feel the scent of blueberry wine
On my tongue and lips,

I wonder...

You hurt me today.
With a tongue that's sharp
Aimed directly at my throat
You tore away at the concepts of who I am

You don't know it though.
I'm still the same little boy
That you sent off to college
An obedient copy with no mind of my own

I used to laugh too,
Making fun of the people you hated,
But it wasn't really the people,
Only mere caricatures.

You've never taken the time
To speak to us
Only heard about our wickedness
From others who don't know us

I guess it's hard to blame you
It's easier to hate what you don't understand
It's easier to hate when you pretend what you're attacking
Isn't as human as you are.. isn't it?

It's easy when you're attacking an umbrella
Stick all of your fears onto it
Put people you've never spoken to
Into a box of evil, so you have an excuse not to listen.

You wonder why I've been so quiet
The past few years
Well the truth is you've already said you hate me
You just don't know it's me you hate yet.

A winter chill
Fogs from your mouth,
Dissipating after a brief moment,
While the sound
Echoes
From soft lips
And closed eyes,
Allowing your sense of touch
To be your mind’s only focus.

A lost art
You’ve come to appreciate,
Flows through you
In the night.
Goosebumps roughen skin,
As a chill runs along your back
From the breeze.

Your button-down curtains
Have opened up,
And the moon's gaze
Is the only entity
To be witness
To such a sight.

The letters
Fingertips write
Across bare skin,
Drives a longing
Towards the edge of sanity's cliff side;
I wonder if you’d trust the fall,
Letting the breeze
Wander further down below.

I wonder if you enjoy the wind at all,
From kissing lips,
Paving a road
To destinations unknown,
Or animalistic eyes
Smiling up,
Locking this moment
Within the iris,
Craving your love.

Desperation
Is a bitter smell
That clouds the mind
With illusion and mystery,
But I wonder how
It could make
That smile of yours
Unfold.

I wonder if you want to boil over,
Or if you want to be still,
Stay blush from
This winter chill,

Staying safe,
Keeping the temptation
From leaving your embrace,
And hold tight
The drum
That beats wishing,
And be atlas-stone cold,
With a spark
Blown out
By the winter chill.

It never ceases to amaze me,
How lucky I am to be living today,
All the things I take for granted,
That others in history never dreamed of.

Pale light floods through my window
The moon reflects your light
So I know that you're still shining
Even when out of sight

It's a small but beautiful thing
That something so far away
Unaware of my existence
Can make me feel that I'm okay

Now a light appears behind me
As I gaze at the moon out of my window
Someone just beginning their day
Is texting to say "hello"

I'm eager to respond
As I tap this small glass screen
As we talk a world away
I still feel heard and seen

It brings me some small joy
To imagine how they react
How their face too lights up
When the screen is no longer black

I rarely get to hear your voice
But I don't feel the need for mine to be heard
I still feel love in your messages
I see you between your words

It's hurts the brain to think about
It's heavy on the mind
From across our small blue planet
You can still say "you're mine"

I'm glad that we're alive today
With the chance that we've been given
To meet a beautiful soul from across the world
That reignites my love for living

I'll be waiting by the phone now
Until your name appears at the top
To see "I love you"
And "I'll never stop"

I am winter,
Breeze, chill
Cold.
Brushing through
Trees fingertips
Killing
With every kiss I blow.

I am the water,
Pouring into hot oil,
Burning and tainting
Skin that immediately regrets
Holding.

I am the void
In your heart
You cannot ignore,
Giving false hopes
To drive you further
Beyond even trying.

Breathe into me,
And give me life.
I am the shadow
You call your friend
When you lie down your head
Unto empty sheets
And your single pillow.

Maybe you will hate me,
Maybe you will hold on,
But I will always be a part of you,
For I am your creation after all.

The sky is still dark
It's early morning
The smell of dryer sheets fills my nose
As I grab my scrubs and head to the shower.

The warm water runs down my body
Drips from my hair
As I think of all I might do today
How to save and heal lives.

I've put in the work in class,
I've studied disease processes,
Their cures and treatments,
The proper assessments and labs.

It's all so abstract on the pages of textbooks
A disease exists as a concept in my head
The treatment plans seem so simple
And so straightforward.

In the simulations I've done
Everything is controlled.
As long as I do everything right,
Everything will turn out fine.

Now on the hospital floor,
I receive my assignment,
And the paragraphs from textbooks come to mind,
As well as the practice questions and simulations.

But walking into my patient's room,
The conditions and diseases I've studied,
Are no longer conceptual.
A living human being is suffering.

Checking the labs and diagnostics,
Just how uncontrolled real life is,
Begins to sink in,
And the reality of inevitable failure sinks in.

In the hallway I gather myself,
As I grapple with the new reality,
That I won't be saving lives today,
My assignment is to make what's left as good as possible.

My sudden change in perspective,
Is nothing in comparison though.
My patient has an adult body,
But the mind of a small child.

During one of my routine assessments,
My patient winces,
Unable to verbalize their pain,
They strike their head and cry,


"What did I do wrong?"


My heart breaks.
This poor soul,
Cannot understand that a disease,
Is not a punishment.

They cannot understand,
That something indifferent,
Without intent or thought,
Has begun to end their life.

How cruel…

All I can do is hold their hand,

Give them medications to dull the pain,

And wish that you could understand:

You didn't do anything wrong.

An image tells not of the experience.
A tree in the forest
With the proper exposure
Can draw people to stare,
But the point is missed.

The ones staring
Are in awe
Of someone else’s experience,
And are too comfortable,
In their current state-of-mind,
To face nature’s posture for
Themselves.

We’d rather just live secondhand,
Than live in the moment,
But an image tells not of the experience.

How does it feel to stand alone?

With nothing but a stem
And a bud unbloomed,
You are cast in shadow
By the mist
Of the tall trees
That outshine you.

The sun finds them,
Doesn’t even acknowledge you,
Even though those trees
Are the reason for the shade
In which you uphold your residence.

It wasn’t something that was wished
It was given,
But not all presents received
Have much thought,
But the mind accepts them
Because it’s better than receiving nothing.

Gifts of putting you down
In an attempt to make it harder for you to grow,
Wanting you to be exactly what they want,
And never what you deserve to be.

Animalistic men pry and **** you
To drag you into the dirt
With the rest,
Because we are all slaves to attention,
And I’m ashamed to tell you,
Sometimes that’s all you’ll get.

But you should know,
You aren’t like them;
Trying to grow tall,
So that the sun can see you
Isn’t what you need,
It’s what they made you believe.

You are a flower,
Soft and sweet,
Juxtaposing the rough
Trees that try to outshine,
But they know deep down,
They aren’t made like you.

A flower
Doesn’t need the sunshine
To illuminate the darkness around
And to warm the ground enough
That not even the snow falling from their branches
Could make it wilt.

And you are one such flower,
If you decide to be,
But I wonder how it feels to stand betwixt
Such an undeserving crowd--
I wonder how it feels to stand alone,
And I question whether you’ll be so bold
Or if you’ll hide your wonderful bloom
From the world;

I hope you’ll find
The self-acceptance and trust within
To show them what you are made of
Because what you deserve is better
Than what is given.

What an ugly state of things.
How did something so gruesome
Come from something so serene?

Blades were exchanged the day
We said "I love you" and then turned out backs,
But deep inside I feared it'd always end this way.

You stabbed me,
I stabbed you back.
Who's Caesar and Brutus
Just depends on who bleeds more from the attack.

We're just no good for eachother,
But we can't share the blame.
It's hard to believe I ever loved you,
But I guess neither of us are the same.

Now we look each other in the eyes,
The eyes I used to see my future in,
While we tear open all new scars
Before any healing can begin.

Somebody's gotta be the villain,
Nobody wants to be the one who got off easy.
So now we fight to be the bigger loser,
So people will know by what they see.

It doesn't matter who drew blood first,
It only matters whose the last to stop bleeding
In a bitter war of attrition,
With someone I said I'd love til my heart stopped beating.


Pain is no competition,

Because there are no winners.

There's no greater pain,

Or pain that's less important,

The pain you feel is as severe as you feel it is.

Don't get caught up in a losing war to try and leave as a victim.

Don't fight to be the biggest loser, so you can throw the biggest pity party.

Don't minimize other's pain, because you haven't lived a second in their mind to know how they feel.

When someone shows you they're hurt
Think of them first

Pain is no competition.

To the trees,
I write about
The way that all leaves
Will eventually
Explain the reason
Why such that they are called
By the way the wind
Takes hold
And drags them away.

I guess that’s why the rain comes,
And the winter soon thereafter;
The misconception is quite common
Because emotions no longer exist
With how the world has evolved,

But I know
That the seasonal change is that
Of the leaving,
And not of the axis rotation,
Nor the orbit of the sun,

Only one who knows
That trade-wind feel,
Could ever understand
Why some trees fall
Without a sound.

Only the bystander
Can know that leaves
Will always leave;
Standing at the treeline,
Questioning the sanity
As the trees will always
Let spring from branches
And the trunk again;

Only the bystander
Can tell you
Why dating an ex
Seldomly ends
With an effect not reminiscent of this,
And without a question deep in the mind
Begging to know the difference.

Two people met,
Took a chance,
Fell in love,
Had children.

This cycle repeated,
From the origins of the human species,
Until it was my parents’ turn,
And they had me on a day of a year,
In a hospital in a town,

They left that town,
Left the next,
And the next,
Just happened to end up
Somewhere that I’d learn
About the college I go to now.

I met people along the way,
With each random collision,
I was shaped into who I am today.

Who would I be,
If i was born just a day sooner or later?
In the next town over?
Into the family in the other hospital room?
Met just one fewer person along the way?

Would I still have met you?

There’s billions of people on this small blue planet,
What’s so special about one grain of sand,
On a beach with trillions indistinguishable?

I believe in no intention behind it,
But so many things happened,
To lead that grain of sand,
Being where it was,
To be picked up by you.

So on this planet of billions,
When I think about how lucky I’d need to be to meet you,
And how even luckier I am to be called yours,
I can’t help but be crushed by the weight of our improbability,
And feel all the luck that put you in my arms.

I’ve never been close
To anyone I’ve ever loved;
Always they are miles away
Geographically
Or miles from my heart.
They may have loved me
One point long since passed,
But cradling in my hands,
Their face before kissing
Is no longer allowed.

I miss the stonehenge bridges
We built that I crossed;
I miss the way
Niagara phased me
Not so as your eyes did
Lying beneath a sunsetting sky.
But just because I might have
Felt your lips brush against mine
Doesn’t mean we were truly close.

And just because I've seen pictures
Doesn't mean I’ve really seen anything.
Because a picture
Is nothing compared to seeing
Not through the eye of a camera,
But with your own.
Closeness is defined
By the hearts willingness
To be let seen, and not confined
To the depths.

And no heart
Has been so willing to be held
As I have made mine,
And I wonder
If there ever will
Be such one to find.
And I can't help but feel
As though the vessel
Beneath my chest
That beats only for so much longer,
Was misdesigned.