To be alone
is the deepest truth we will know;
**** this empty home.

A false security
in the future of our insecurities,
our shared disease.

Don't you see
how vacant this world would be
without our American,
our American dreams?

We only love ourselves
when we let ourselves
and there's no one else
who could take that all away.

If I'm wrong then maybe there's a reason
For me to **** myself
and take it
all the way.

For all the love we knew
and the lust it grew,
we'll always bleed, **** honesty.

But I'm betting that I can find a way
To shed my pain
And the blood on my hands
won't stain my sleeves.

Distill our happiness from lonely thoughts
and broken hearts;
a life saving alchemy.

If I'm alive then you know you are,
know you are my saving grace.
And if I'm dead well then,
then I can't believe in
grace anyway.

I sit alone beside the window,
rain falls through the trees outside
striking the leaves in mathematical fashion
tearing apart the stone below with molecular passion

Multiply the endogenous disease I carry in my lungs
I am loved
Sweep the sparking lead under the rug
I am loved
Transpose the heart burdened with grief for the young
I am loved
Our lives in succumbing to decay
we watch them every single day

We sit silent in repose
Our voices lost in the storm
We sit silent in our bones
Our bodies forgotten, hosts to the swarm

I am breathing, not living
I am breathing, not living now
My life lost in the separated sounds
of breaths gasped before I drown
in this white knuckled slumbering tomb
beneath the hallowed ground

The worst knowledge is
The way I might feel when I
Realize all that

Lives hidden inside
Of my heart will never be
Expressed. I do hope

You might forgive me
For this, my most human, flaw.
My apologies.

Afraid to speak, they only knew
Think me weak or know me true

A silence, let linger
Please see the depth
Don't let me sink for

There is more to breath; promise.

Hard to say heavy words

My mouth betrayed, broke down levy
Don't let me drown, love

Don't drink the flood
Hold my hand, whether
storm and blood

Here lies my youth
So polite and couth

Here lies my guilt
Dead beneath these pillars built

Greed yet lives, however sick
And apathy, thy name is Nick

And I rest in your mausoleum
For ever and ever ad nauseam

Just over the hill
Lies the addict without his pill

Behind that weeping tree
Lies the hopes of the free

No one mourned for Truth
Too busy reclaiming wasted youth

And I rest in your mausoleum
For ever and ever ad nauseam

All at once beauty did fade
And was soon forgot by the *****

But from this once barren field
Our new life will yield

Fed by the bones of the mother
And spurred on to uplift one another

And I will rest in your mausoleum
For ever and ever ad nauseam

So we'll  live well
And speak less
Embrace our lives
And time's caress
I will see you
In the morning light
When your eyes open
Therein my world lies

And we will walk hand-in-hand
Down to the promised land
Our Elysian field
Where we will sleep less
And we will drink away the days
That we never had.

My life has been stormy up until now
But never so badly as your furrowed brow
You speak calm but your hearts beating
Way too fast
I can hear your eyes screaming that
We weren't made to last.

But we will walk slowly
Hand-in-hand
That Elysian field
Promised land
Waits for us because
It takes all we have to feel real

The mourning crowds have
Come and gone
Now we're just sinking
Rotting beneath the mid-day sun
And I will hold your loving hand
As we make our way to the promised land.

Arm me against my troubles
With slings and arrows borrowed
From the backs of the naked and famous
Blind by blind but I ain't aimless
What's a crow to the shine
Dearest darling, love of mine
Take these arrows and give them to your enemies
But never forget they came from my own spine
So, let's become the thing that we hate most

Common, complacent, and unaware that the world has moved on
And we still can't see for the dust clouds our eyes and chokes the words in our throats
We did this to ourselves, we built our houses too tall, and too far removed, afraid to let anyone get too close

Give me back the words I gave you once, in a year long gone
I can hear the fire outside, and it feels like the sun is moving on
Can you feel the lethargy in the dark that comes

You would do well to learn the art
For love is more than sweet kisses and little sleep
Love is war and peace and all the uncertainty between
To be certain the only certainty is how much she will make you bleed

So arm me against my troubles
Slings and arrows and sleeves
Worn thin by time and hunger
My breath, abandoned, from under the table
I'm not dreaming anymore
No, stillness contrasts the flicker
Call me famous, call me nameless, call me anything but love

I climbed time like a tree
All your branches looming above me
And I tried my best to
Break not one twig
But I tore
Out your leaves

And they're spinning so far down
To the salted ground
And it's all spinning around
So far down

I left hearts in the soft soil
Like a silver serpent coiled
Sugar coats my tongue
Whispers on my lips
And the poison
Melts through my teeth
But I still
Bleed black truths

And they're spinning so far down
To the salted ground
And it's all spinning around
So far down

Soft shimmer in your backdrop
Sad hearts gasping, don't stop

Soft shimmer in your backdrop
Sad hearts gasping, don't stop

Goodbye is not something you merely say
It is felt and it echoes throughout your lungs and into your marrow
In this great big too far gone world
Goodbye could be forever and a day

I live my life
With my head somewhere
Between the clouds and
just above drowning

My heart in the future
Where pain does not last
My eyes on the ground
So my feet know what
Balance is required
To navigate my past

I cover my pale toes
Cover them in mud
So I may not forget
Where my blood
Was wrought
What stains I leave

On the carpet
Of this house

In the bursting light
Of blistering winter's night
I shiver and cough

I've never seen the sun set
Over Calumet
Sound out the golden Lake
I gave you my best

I've lost my share of old friends
To death and debts
He gives but he can't take
Know that this knows no ends

Come down from your cloud
We can talk this out

Come down from your cloud
We can make it out now

I've felt the Sun's rising heat
Alone in St. Pete
Drown my flickering beat in white sand
Gave it up to sleep

I've found myself in loneliness
And dying less
The glistening glass couldn't sting my hand
And I'm feeling less than feeling blessed

Come down from your cloud
We can talk this out

We can make it out

The order never mattered
Until blood became the earth once more
My heart never shattered
Still I bore a tender sadness, two perpendicular boards

No cause nor understanding may ever be sufficient
I could not shake sleep from my tired eyes
To give hope to ending my lonesome sickness
Nor dream of peace in the depths of my loathsome mind

And the sun may have shone
On me and mine
I could never have known
For I felt no shine

This is not an ending
Merely an abeyance
I wept until attending
Forever after the abyss

We don't know.
We don't care. Everything is beautiful.
Everything is terrible.
We're just trying to make it out
Alive/Alight.

Hit my panic switch
In the static noon
Wake the nerves
That were dropped

I'm not nervous
Merely dying
From growing
Towards the sun

To have or to be
The question that
Possesses all of
My favorite dreams

I may be Heaven
I may hold Hell
But I've bled enough
To become the Earth

I'm crashing through time
Needles and branches tear at my eyes
Washing away from your horizon
And there's no life left in this kingdom
The stones have grown over
Ivy like veins of the earth
Reaching for the sky
Bury me in the salt
So my bones will not seed
The new order of carnivores
Endless motion must be exhausting
No anxiety, no matter alive
The green consumes
Rust of the soil
I'll be the endless
But there's no oxygen to burn
There's no love left in the room
And time is cyclically eroding
The possibilities for escape
Can you hear the sirens
Songs, missles, and ash
Calling me to sleep

I  can fake a smile
With the best of them
And my best friend
Drove up the coast for miles

Just to see that tree
That grew so tall
It could never fall
But it'll never be free

From its roots reaching deep
But you said that we could try
And live our lives
Above the clouds and the sea

If only
We could wash up
And love could be enough
Love wouldn't be so lonely

I drowned myself
In the glass half-full
Too god ****** proud
To believe in dying with a lungful

12/26
How sorrow held you
Without right
Night after night, stare out the window
At all the lights in the dark
Never once could you imagine
The light reflected in you
So bright, stark white
Heavily blue

01/13
Left the house today
One shoe at a time
I start to hope
Maybe it'll be okay
From that anguished slumber
You woke
To find a light right here
Not fleeting
But deep down I know
You're still sleeping

02/29
A leap made in faith's absence
The needle wasn't enough
To still the beating blood
And the sink won't ever be clean again
Oh, how darkness did consume
All that I had left to lose
In a note, washed by tears and blood
Reads, in your ever careful hand,
"Reasonless"

Every morning I speak to the blue
mountains just beyond my reach.
So far away I fear they cannot hear
what little praises I may utter.
Ancient so they must be wise, I am to
assume. I ask their advice
in regards to love and life.
Never have they answered my
little questions.
But maybe their silence speaks
more than I may yet understand.
Maybe the answer lies
in the stillness of deep blue stoicism.