It was in the daytime and night
that I really began to stick out
I went to the park and
Yelled to my heart’s content
Next day he came to my side at the swings
and sat down on the one next to mine
“Hey,” he admitted. “I love you, what do you say?”
Then earth’s coat turned one hundred-eighty degrees.
‘Love?’
I said, in all my childish wisdom, “Then it’s best that we wait until grown.”
I wouldn’t know at the time
that it was the best response I could have given at that age
Years pass
and in my mind
was the statement (question?),
‘Love(?)’
In the night I’d lunge to sleep
like a lost lover coming to reap
the missed fruits of a long forgotten tree
In my dreams I’d live a life
filled with less strife than I’d ever face
And in those dreams I would
fantasize of the shape
that my love would take
And when I closed my eyes I would whisper,
“Love?”
Unknowingly I had kindled a fire deep in the recesses of my chest
that would color me like a canvas empty and yearning
And I, in my hopeful search,
would utter the wistful words,
“Love!(?)”
I used to get some nightmares at times
that would rouse me from sleep
and leave me alert but placid,
staring at the bluish tiny of my curtains
In the wake of fear, panic, and sadness
there in the early morning hours
was the time I would find a peace uncoiled
an emptiness welcomed whole
And then, I would sigh, and think whimsically,
‘Love?’
Then was the place I’d look upon
where possibilities laid across my gaze.
None of them were possible but
I’d find enjoyment out of the dream
And every time, I’d shrug with weariness,
“Love(?)”
So in the end of a year, then we ventured on a tour
where we had fun and laughter
and much-earned confusion
On the final night we marched for the diner
The road was damp with rain, petrichor strong in the air
and the dim streetlights set the sky dark
stars vanished with grace
I argued with my fickle friend(?) and found myself behind him,
contemplating whether I should
Then I mused, ‘**** it,’ and strided forward to him
Nudging his shoulder, he did not realize me
so I nudged harder
And that was when he looked at me.
And
I
said
“
H
e
y,
l
o
v
e
(?)
“
And
he
said
“
N
a
h
.
“
.......
.....
...
.
.
.
.
.
Was I crushed?
I don’t think so
for when I received his answer
and the electric message
lighted up the passages between my neurons
there I was so happy that I
could have jumped up high and reached the full moon,
touched the humid clouds and came away wet with rain
and smiled and smiled and-
Smiled.
I laughed and smiled
and I went back
I was so proud of myself, of my success, of my joy,
of the dark rainy night and the earthy fragrance
that I had not minded his rejection at all.
And in my mind I was laughing,
‘Love...(?)’
It was in the next few years that I
stood in front of a whole crew (gang?)
and heard him say,
“He wants to date you, what do you say?”
Me?
Wouldn’t I be flattered? It’s ingrained at this point
Building up and up and up to this day
when all my longing would have paid off.
.
.
.
“I’m sorry,” I replied ruefully, an apology on my lips and anxious, burning nerves in the pit of my belly.
“I can’t.”
Then I walked away like that.
And, I had exhaled internally, tired,
‘Love?(.)’
And I slowly came to realize, after months,
that I had been searching where I shouldn’t have
and that what I had sought all this time
was a raw, visceral, delicate, quiet, warm, fond, shaky, intimate, peaceful care
in the depths of my belly, and in the dark cavities of my mind,
I had always known that the thing I had been searching for
had been-
.......
....
.
‘Love.(?)’
A history of my love life I guess XD
Also, there’s a lot confusion in me regarding ‘love.’ It’s a feeling I know from inside out yet not at all, and it’s been the bane of my existence for years, even since my childhood times.