And just like a lightswitch
Im over it. Over you.

As i lay there
At 3:45 AM
I knew you did to
Lay there

You had your
Own bed
Own life
Own love

I knew you
Wouldnt ever
Be stranded awake
At 3:45 AM

And i should be
Happy for you
But instead
My heart stops.

I will never be
The 2 am call
when you need arms
And you can't fight.

I wont be
The one you
Spill your heart to
On the worst day.

I will be foreign
And the only land
I'll know here
Will be you

A tourist in
What i thought
Was my home
When i had none.

Its Cold
Colder than you
such a sudden shift in your eyes

It was warm and golden
now all the color is draining away
for winter

Ive never slept so well
before going to sleep
thinking of you

and I guess this
is what Love
feels like

your hoodie
my time
and our lips

traded

and I don't miss
my time
because I know

its safe in your care
just as I am
and you in mine

and I want to
wake up beside
you

and sleep
with you
too

I want to be done
I want to move away
I dont want to think about 5 years
From now
And still be crying over you
Because i never got over you when i could.
Youre just magnetic for me
And i cant deny your ability
To make me forget
How bad for me you are

Roses are red
I'm done

Just like the seasons you became colder with time
The boy who used to be filled with warmth was now an icy block of self loathing
and I couldn't bare the biting way you looked at me when I said I didn't love you back
I made you cold and stole your warmth
I'm sorry
and if you were to **** me I would not blame you
I can only blame myself
And if your life were to end by your own hand
I would feel soaked in your blood
because I was to blame for your death
and I'm sorry
There are so many words in my head
and some just aren't enough

Everyone is hung up
Over some sad love
Lucky for me
Mines you
Everyone loves
Someone who loves
Somebody
Brand new

Can you remember
like i can?
Can you
surrender
your upper hand?
Can you hold back
your time sand
in hopes
we can
return...

Back
to joy
and secrets
and trust,
Back
before we
were filled
with lust.
Maybe
we can
burn.

memories haunting me
holding
the melody
of our voices
singing
in sync

our souls
screaming out
wishing
we hadnt
missed out
before
we knew
too much.

Begging you to love me
Choosing to never love you

The track is
Sk-
I-
Pin-
Ski-
Ski-
Ski-
Skipping
Like the thoughts in my brain
And the flat line sounds like my heart

Going to sleep
With *** on my lips
You on my mind
And bruises on my hips

I cant tell
If i have no self respect
Or maybe my mentality
Is just wrecked

Or maybe this is healthy
The entertain and please
After all im a ****
And you have needs

What a perfect match
I have what you want
But I dont want anything
Isnt that just hot

I dont even ******* know
Who the hell i am

I only write when I'm lonely
Only sing when I'm alone
Only talk to
A chosen few
And I never get to moan

I don't have a muse
Aside from idleness
I don't have a home
Just temporary nests
I don't know anyone
I just think I do
Like I used to think
That I knew you

I'm lonely quite often
Even though im surrounded
I'm never content with my lovers
No matter how good they did

Youve got me locked up
In your eyes
And the way you smile
And the way you say
"youre mine"
Over and
Over and
Over
Again
Until its engraved
in my
Mind
And you say
Youre mine
But i
Can
Hear the lie
Between your teeth
I dont speak
I dont tell you
I just stay locked in
Until i get alone
And just being
A foot
Away
Gives me
Liberty
Independence
Nostalgia
And the i realize
How captive i truely am

Adrenaline
And
Shaky hands
And i guess im not so good.

Im insecure
But you want more
And
I dont know what i can give.

You dont care
About my flaws
You
Have
A goal
In mind

Easy come
Easy go
Im afraid
Thats
Exactly
What
Youll
Do.

Where did she go?
That little girl
That pretty girl
Who so badly
Wanted to sing

Dont you know...
You still can!

But youll sit
And listen to other voices
And never feel worth a dime

And maybe some days
Youll feel pretty
But youll just see a more beautiful
Face

Youll crawl back to your cave
Of insecurities and wonder
"How did i get this way?!"

And youll be more upset with yourself
For feeling this way
Than you will
With the life that made you.

I'm so tired of these same four walls.
Chalky and full of everything
I want and fear.
These walls know me
Like nothing else does
And yet they confine me
I want out
This is a comfort zone
I'm not getting anywhere.
I want to break out
And just be crazy
I want to know my dreams
I want these walls
To know a girl
Who is NOTHING
Like me

I wish i could decipher
Chemical desires
Do i want your heart
Or is my chest a liar

I can hold your hand
And it just feels warm
Your lips dont have
Me feeling torn

But you can say some
Dorky line
Or you can
Look me in the eye

And you can bet
I cant feel anything
But the clogging of my throat
And my heart fluttering

Ill brush you off
Our of self preservation
I dont know how to feel
Without emmense reservation

If i look in your eyes
And flick you a smile
I can drive you crazy
For a little while

If i touch your arm
And lightly say your name
Youll manage to forget
That this is just a game

I can walk past you
Making you drool
Without even a word
Youll act like a tool

And maybe im cruel
But its just so **** easy
To collect disciples
By acting a little sleasy

I cant help that you follow
Wherever i lead
My little puppy dog
You do what i heed

And if you stray
Ill tug at your rope
Then ill push you away
Til you come back begging for hope

Maybe youll read this
And finally run away
Or maybe it will be me
Making you stay

Dont think im naive
I know what i do
I know how tightly
Ive a hold on you

I'm just waiting for something
that takes my breathe away
something beyond shredded
couch cushions and New Jersey TV
I want to see Mountains in the fullness of their splendor
I want these dirt roads to mark the place
where I first made love to a boy who broke my heart
I want to see the sky from eye level
without crying because I'm afraid of heights
I want to swim in water so deep
That the sharks get scared to dive there
I just want to be fearless
irrationally brave
unbelievably foolish
because my whole life up until now
has been so practical
Lack luster
uninspired
its hard to find a muse
in polos and khakis
and I'm tired of being tired
of doing nothing

My nail polish
peels
like wallpaper
on a dead house

and i suppose
thats
what i am
a dead house

decrepit and torn
broken
down and old
from 16 years

of broken mentality
***
******-manically wanted
Lips, Hips, thighs.

But what if thats
gone
and my wallpaper is
peeling like ripe fruit

Ranting raving
Lunatic
The way you hold
Yourself is
Sick
No respect
Lack of love
Bowing down
When push
Comes to
Shove
I cant be your
Boat
When your
Anchor
Sinks
I cant
Sugarcoat
What
I
Think
Youre bitter
Malicious
Angry
Sore
This way
Of thinking
Is
A bore

And she said
"Oh this...
This is a beautiful life.
I just dont think
Life
Is meant
For
Me."

I dont remember
Feeling my skin
So much

It used
To just
Be there

Maybe
It just
Reacts

To
You

It never used to do
This

Goosebumps
Shocks
Tingling spine

All appear
When you say
"Youre mine."

Innocent corners
Boring nooks

Nothing happens
Unless you look

My way

Control freak
to
control freak
This will be a duel
Your hand
in
my hair
Using me as your tool

Youll tell me
What to do
Ill manipulate
The scene
Youll be
the cruel master
But youll never
Be mean

I can play
the kitten
Harmless
Just wanting
to play
And then youll
Lose control
From the ***** things
I say

My feet long to walk
Until i reach the ocean
Where only a boat
Might take me further

My old habits
Catch me
By the hair

I
Feel
Like running
Away

This night is cold
Colder than anything
But maybe if you
Were warmer

Id Actually
Want
To
Stay

No
No
No

I cant
Blame
You

Its me.
It has always
Been me.

Im afraid of words
Because i live
In their power

Love
Holds far
Too much
Pain

If i could live by the ocean
Maybe
Maybe id stay

I bet your personality
Can fit between your *******
I can find your smile
Drooling between your legs
Show me how you dance
Sitting on my lap
Your laughter is contagious
Your moans are a thunder clap

Carnivorous and hungry
Can you handle me
I dont know what
This night will be

Tell me about your family
While i pull your hair
Is this your favorite band?
What else will you share?
Be my barbie doll
Be my sweet ****
**** me with love
Ill just take the ****

Everything about me
Is someone else

My lips are my mom's
My eyes are my dad's

My clothes are my cousins'
My laugh is the sky's

I can't even lay claim
To my own cries

If its not someone else's
Its void of a name

My shaky hands
belong to no one

My pale skin
Knows no other touch

If i claimed it ever
It was stolen away

I lose myself more
Every single day

You cannot look into my eyes without seeing burning, lustful sparks
Filled to bursting
With what you want
To be love

But all i see
Are limp
Loveless
Ponds
Algea
*******
Them

**** its so cold
But its colder
In the palm
Of my hand

I guess thats why
You stopped holding it
Or maybe its because
I told you to

And my hair hangs
Like curtains
Hiding the room
The family hides from guests

Filled to bursting
With so much ****
All of it stupid
Useless

Im the room
Standing on wobbly
Foundation
With mold creeping in the basement

******* this white noise
Its so loud that i cant hear
My fathers disappointment
With my failing grades

Failing
Everyone
As
Usual

I just want to be alone
But then im alone
And i want to be anywhere else
With someone new

And the sun is setting
Behind the silhouette
Of tall, dead trees
In the yard

Dead
Its all dead
Its wilting
Falling

And you can see it
Im everything they do
The people are the trees
Lack luster, thin, old

How are we dead
Before weve had
The chance to live
God ****** how

Cages
And my ears itch
Cages
And my eyes twitch
Dirt
On a solid floor
Blood
On an iron door
I can't think about it
I cant leave
I try to be content
But I am restless and afraid
And your hugs they feel like cages
And I my mouth anticipates
And my lips are always dry
And my mouth swells in size
Because touching burns like acid
Kissing tastes like it too
And I can't help but try
And escape from this life with you
And I see
Cages
Around my life
I feel
Dirt
Between our skin when we touch
And my
Blood
Tries to leave my body
Because your affection becomes too much
And I don't know
When I became scared
I don't know when
I lost that flame
But I feel
Cages
Dirt
And blood

I think im nostalgic for life
Through music
And books
Because i havent lived
A day of my life

No one really lives
In this town

And i think im poetic
Because im homeless
But i live in a house
But im not
Im not poetic
Im just a brat

Stringy hair
Sunken eyes
Greasy teeth
Rotten lies
Sweat soaked nightmare
Fueled with gore
Clenching teeth
Weak and sore
My mind holds this
An abominable leech
Perverting beauty
In all it sees
Polluting love
To twisted hate
Making resentment
Smear every mate
I cant look at you
Without seeing a ghoul
I dont see a goddess
I see a fool
Everyone around me
Sees the brighter side
I cant help but see
What the smiles hide

No matter how i delude myself
How many distractions
I cant get away

My mind is screaming terrible
Awful nasty things
And im locked inside

I used to not be this way
I was happy at one point
Now ill do anything
To stop it

If i give myself away
Its because your
gross sounds
Sound better than nothing at all

If i talk on a bad day
Its because im
Losing sense
And control

I need noise on the outside
To reasure my brain
That it wont fall apart
That maybe im still sane

And ill tell everyone im better
When in fact
Ive never been worse

I cant shake these voices
Its like im carrying
Some brutal curse

Wrapped in your scent
I think of then
I think what could have been
If i had felt something more
If loving people wasnt a chore
I wish i could do more
We
Could have done more
But oh
Love is a bore

No

Love is fire
We were rain
Love was never
Part of our game
Your name
It sends chills down my spine
And no
Not the good kind

We were wet
Sloppy
Gross
And you loved the most
I was new to this feeling of comfort
Comfort
Was it comfort?
Was it comfort that kept me up at night
Wondering if my head was alright
Wondering if i was holding you tight
Enough?
Because you never seemed ok
With my selfish
Distant ways
And i never knew what to say
To do
How to act

But today
Holding your essence
In the naked palm
Of my hand
I felt that slighy
Small
Maybe

We could have been something someday

I spend 3-4 hours a day watching a man swim laps
Back
And
Forth
Back
And
Forth
And then im called to
The hospital
To see my Pappa
And im watching the same thing.
A man going
Back
And
Forth
Back
And
Forth
Dying
Going round in circles.
Dying
Dying
**Dying

You flatter me
Thats a lie
You make me
Want to die

You color me
With pretty words
But between the lines
Lies the hurt

You say im pretty
Now take off your clothes
You say im nice
Words? Lose those

I talk to much
Im a *** toy
You dont say it
But i annoy

And you act curious
As to why
I hate my body
And wanna cry

I only feel pretty
With nothing on
I look so much better
With the lights turned off

If i shut up
Ill be better at this
Because my words distract
From the skin you missed

Im a writer
I read between the lines
I see all
The **** you try

I know all the moves
See all the bull
Yet i still go along
With the crap you pull

I cant blame you
For my naivety
I can only blame you
For using me

Everyone is high
On self pity and
Hate
Self diagnosed with
A terrible
Fate
No one knows
How to be sad
Without writing it off
As extraordinarily bad
Happiness isn't
A permanent gig
It's always there
If you bother to dig
Everyone is sad
Because the world is ****** up
And no one dares
To see the good stuff
A world of pessimism
Breeds angry babes
And they all start to believe
Theres no Other way
So load up on drugs
Get high in the rest
Because that's when the world
Looks its ******* best
No one was taught
How to smile
Despite the world
Looking dark for a while
So we all slit our wrists
And demand sympathy
From a world that never cared
If you were down on your knees

I dont care

My throat clogs
Breathless
Tears

I dont care

Angry thoughts
Pacing feet
Pain

I dont care

Mental whispers
Next to silent screams
Emotionless

I dont care

It hurts
My wrists
My hips

I dont care

Music louder than
Thunder
Dancing

I dont care

Laughing too loud
Smiling to everyone
My teeth grind

I dont care

I wouldn't want to be around me either
I'm miserable company

These poems smell like flowers
And your name smells like death
You pervade my paper
You ruin my mind

This music tastes so ******
Im not usually this sad
What do i even write about you
Nothing.

Youre no good
You taste like iron in my mouth
You dont even know who you are
You wouldnt guess it for the world

My sensitive teeth cant take
the feel of you grinding my jaw
into dust
My bones are just ash and dirt

This tune was happy
And i loved it so much
But now it too holds too much
Bitterness

I can drink black coffee
And not be as taken back
As when tasting
You

Not suicidally
Or accidentally
But in the sense
Of noteriety

I dont want
Anyone knowing me
Or the awful human
I used to be

I want to start fresh
Do good for the world
Start charitable organizations
And be the angels herald

Even my own father
Calls me devlish now
So maybe its time
To five a final bow

Ill exit the stage
And sink from sinful fame
Ill do what i want
With no title or name

And how freeing itll be
To not look after you
To not reassure
Every ****** thing you do

And i wont tell a lie
Not even for my own good
And if you think me cold hearted
You clearly misunderstood

I wont pity petty people
I wont try and hold your hand
When all you want to do
Is fight the quick sand

Youre sinking faster
Than i can keep up
So im done going down
With a ship thats far sunk

So yes i want to die
Im exhausted from this
Life is miserable
When your boots are all i kiss

So im starting over fresh
Born again as a fresh new babe
And i hope this world is kinder
Than when i was first made

Maybe im a waste
A loss of space
A blight on the universe
That built me
And my wonder
So much ambition
But no goals
Lost
To imaginary live
Where no one
Can stop me
Because
Thats all anyone does

Oh God how this sweater hangs on me
Its my mothers
Just like my lips

And these bruises on my eyes?
They sting from the hours
looking at your face

My hands still shake
every hour
second
of the day

theyre cold
frozen
stuck in this hesitant state of urges to do but lack of execution

like i lack the execution to kiss you
when you lean in to whisper
whatever it is you say

I cant even eat
because my mind is too
wrapped on everything else

like how i need to write in my book
or loook at colleges
or join a club

but i just sit there
just sit there overwhelmed
hard to breathe

i still havent even looked at my report card
i made A's & B's
i know because i can go to the pizza party

but i cant eat pizza
because im thinking of everything
every god ****** trivial thing

and im so stressed
so overwhelmed
and that trip to Germany

I want to go so bad
but we cant afford the $3000 dollars i need.
$3000 dollars that could go towards college

******* college
i want to go but no here
not locallly in Tennessee

i want to leave Tennessee
I want to be anywhere else
nothing happens here

not in **** **** no where
Columbia Tennessee
Forget us town USA

I've learned to nod
to smile
when you hear the name
or see the face
just play happy and then
zone the **** out.

I've learned that when a topic
makes you uncomfortable
just be quiet
don't argue
that contributes
just wait for it to go away

I've learned that when you don't like something
get away from it
don't explain yourself
no one will agree with you
no matter what
don't defend yourself
you don't have to

I've learned that headphones
and a severe case of bitchface
make people turn the other way
and the few that are curious
go away after a ****** thumbs up
and a strained smile

I've learned that being a *****
and being quiet
and doing things for yourself
help you scrape by
just
enough

I've leaned that *******
and indifferent
feel very much
the same

You hold too many firsts
To be Just a Friend
I will never get the image
Out
Of
My
Mind

You didnt take my virginity
But **** did you almost
And god i hate myself for it

And i cant feel at ease around you
I dont know what your thinking
I just want to be done
I wish it had never happened
So we could just be friends

Why can't you be upfront with me
Admit you never cared
Tell me I was just fun
And you didn't actually get scared
You like the perks I offer
But not the love tied with
So now ill turn it off
I hope you like the gift