I'm queen of being
First at coming in second
I'm not number one
Why can't someone put me there
Pick me, choose me, please

I tried.
I tried to forget that summer
I tried to stop thinking about you
I tried to let it go
I tried to like other boys

I learned.
I learned other boys are cruel
I learned other boys are rough
I learned other boys are to much
I learned other boys are controlling

I question.
I question why you don't call me out on these
I question why you don't realize these are about you
I question why you don't just ******* talk to me
I question why you don't give this a shot

I sigh.

Because I know I will forever be a silly little girl who likes the shadow of a boy who will never come back for me though I've grown and changed and still feel a flame in the pit of my stomach every time I see anything with your name pop onto my screen

I haven’t touched another guy since alex….
I never really thought I would
well not for some time.
I went on a few dates ….even tried it again with alex but knew none of these boys did I want my lips to touch with. 

Until you….

I let you kiss me…
again…
and again….
and then again when you pushed me against my car….
then again when you pushed me down inside my car….
then when I said wait and you said okay It felt good.
I felt everything in my stomach unclench and every wall come down and I thought I would finally be okay 

For that feeling I lied 

For that feeling I entered another bedroom basement

For that feeling I laid in your bed

for that feeling I let myself go

Then you dismissed me….I became a *****…to dramatic…blowing up your phone….annoying you…because clearly you had so much to do that didn’t involve me. 

But each time when I had you between my lips….you had the time to kiss me over and over
you didn’t find me dramatic or ****** with your ****
stuffed down my throat
But I guess once you got what you wanted I was no longer something you wanted to deal with…

I never thought you would
You never had the strength before
I saw you holding her hand
Is that your strength now
Do your finger intertwined with hers give you the strength to say the things you did
Is she why you finally did it
Is she really better then anything I could be
Did you really mean it
You never gave me a shot
And I told you to

But I never thought you would

No, I said no as you pushed me down.
No, I said no as your foot pressed the ground.
No, I said no as you grasped for my flesh.
No, I said no as you shoved against my chest
No. I said no as you pressed me to the wall.
No. I said no as I made you fall.

Regret is a word I now know the feeling of well, maybe it should have been yes...then I'd never have to tell

Your infection has me wounded deep
Tension in my soul screaming to be heard
Blood drips from my heart as I groan from ache
Pride leads me on distraction teases my pain
Corruption from your lips lingers long
Flames have all but died one stands in my heart
Dreaming of the past lusting for it fast
Leaving with the moon neglecting the sun
Envy will forever follow me through
Begging for the stars put back in the sky
What you don't know anymore dare you ask

I'm falling...farther and farther
down the rabbit hole with no end
I see you and reach with all my heart but you turn your back
I reach for her
but she is busy with her other friends
I just keep falling
I'm sure there is no end to the falling
I'm forever stuck here in the hole reaching for people who refuse to catch me

You slip through my fingers as I reach out
Like a ghost from my past
Your face looks fuzzy 
It's been too long
Your gone and I'm left standing here alone and shaking
Why couldn't you stay
Why couldn't you save me
Maybe because you needed to help yourself  
I needed you more

I don't think you  know it.
I don't think you mean to be, but you are.
You lessen my load.
Taking some of my burdens.
You keep me flowing, but control my strength.
You are my rock.
In my stream of life.