Cut once, now cut twice, open a vein and let it flow. Out goes the life from within me, onto the ground. The steam rises in the cold air as I grow ashen and pail. Wrap the wound and shiver for the loss. Not so much is let out that it will end me, but enough is gone to let me know how precious life. A dangerous game of cat and mouse with my own life. How long can it really last before I catch up with myself?

There is nothing like the color green.
Creation, and everything about youth,
Captured in green.
Envy,
Tranquility,
And renewal.
Found everywhere in nature
Because it is natural.
There is nothing like the color green.

Take me to a place where I can be with you.
A place where the ocean meets the sky
And the sunset on the horizon is painted by God's best artisans.

Take me to a place where you'd hold my hand
In a deep evergreen forest,
Lush with thick foliage and dewy from rain.

Take me to a place where I can taste the sweetest fruits on your lips,
Where my senses are overjoyed by a multitude of flavours,
Each one reminding me of you.

Take me to a place,
A field,
The moon and stars shining
And a night as clear as mountain waters.
Take me to that field,
Where the grass grew tall
And hay bales were laid alongside us.
Where the ground was mostly dry
But still damp,
Where regardless, we laid down among the carrot lace
And you were beneath me,
My very definition of beauty.
The moon in your stormy-blue eyes
And a smile playing at your lips
When suddenly,
Your smile disappeared and you looked right at me,
Lips parted.
Instinct took me,
And although inexperienced,
We worked together like oiled machines
With all our gears functioning.
It was the first and the last time,
Coldest and hottest.
It was a raging inferno
And an arctic storm.
I felt like I was stolen of breath
But given new air.
You filled my lungs and intoxicated me,
But I could have never been more sober.

Take me to that place again.

Save me from your false enlightenment.
Spare me your condescension.

I don't want your 'salvation,'
I don't need your 'forgiveness.'

I am getting what I deserve,
And nothing can save me.

There's no point in trying to delay
My inevitable fate.

Dear Teacher,
What have I learned from you?

The world is not really as it seems
And now I know what '*******' really means.

I know that the world won't stop for me,
Not matter how bad I wish it to.

That no matter what,
Trying won't get you anywhere, but doing will.

That no matter where,
What I learned is really useful.

That no matter when,
There is always time to read, think, and analyse.

Thank you for teaching me this year.

Separate beds and shades
Of reds. Intimacy is
A ****** handprint.

Only seven years old
And I was no longer a beautiful rose.

Wilted, dying, deflowered.

But like a tree falling in the woods,
Do I even make a sound at all?

Too young to understand,
I never said anything.

But as I grew,
I felt... bad.
*****,
Unworthy,
Unlovable.

I felt that there must not be a single person on earth
Who could ever take me as I am,
Broken.

When I began to understand, I still said nothing.
And when it happened again,
This time by someone closer,
I knew what it was.

I felt betrayed.
I felt sick.
Like I had just done the worst thing any human being could have possibly done.
Like I was a failure,
I felt terrible.

Months passed, and eventually I got better, but not without my family
Taking note of that short period when I wasn't okay.
They never knew.
They still don't know.

That when I was seven,
I was ruined.
That, as I turn sixteen,
I fear the life ahead of me because of what they did.
That, when I see him, one of them,
And I hear him coughing and out of breath,
Alzheimer's taking him, slowly, not fast enough,
I wish for him to die.

That I fear every male I come into contact with.

That I lived with my tormentor.

That they took my innocence,

That it wasn't just one,
It was two,
And I remember every detail even though I may lie about it.

I might say "I don't know."
"I don't remember."
But every last second, colour, texture, feeling, breath, detail,
Is forever etched into my mind.

Father please,
Stop yelling,
My ears begin to bleed.

Mother please,
Stop slamming things,
I tremble in my chair.

Sister please,
Stop pacing the house,
I become so unsettled.

Amidst the noises,
Of the television on,

The yelling

And the slamming,

And the pacing,

There is no quiet.

My mind is jumbled
And I cannot focus on anything.
My hands shake as
I want to throw and hit things.
There is so much noise,
So much loudness,
I am losing myself and I want to rip myself apart and I want to cry and
I want to scream
STOP!


But I can only sit.

I can only cover my ears,

I can only look away,

I can only retreat inside once again.

I can only try to remember when this wan't happening.

I can only hold tightly onto my own hands and hope this ends soon.


And yet,
I may wish,
And I may wish again.