I wasn't even aware I had these feelings for you until you decided you loved her. Guess it's too late now.

Are you ******* stupid?
Are you emotionally impaired?
Do you understand im dying?
Do you wish I wasn't here?
When will you hear me?
When will it become clear?
Am I so unwelcome that nobody'll ever care?

Its only now that I realize people only tolerate me.

Im not close to anyone in particular, in fact they're lightyears away.

Accept me.
Let me be me.
Stop forcing yourself on me.
I am my own person.
Just ******* accept me.
Just care about me.
Just support me.
I am me, not you.
So please,
Just accept me.

Just when I thought I couldn't be any more alone,
you took a step back, leaving me in total isolation.
And while I understand what you're going through,
It still tears me apart, piece by piece by piece.
You don't think yourself capable of loving anyone,
meanwhile I gave you every single bit I had stored away.
Now, my eyes can't stop leaking and I feel entirely numb.
I slowly begin rebuilding my walls, this time reinforced,
so that maybe this time they won't be breached so easily.

If I were to try again-
I would change a few things.
The first being my silence as a child-
when He molested and ***** me.
The second being my maturing-
I was forced to grow up too quick.
The last being my habits-
If I had never self harmed,
I never would have become addicted to it.
That’s it. That’s all.

With anger there comes clarity.
Not during it, no.
After- when you can see past the hurt.
And you can see you’re not at fault
for the pain they intentionally cause.

“A new start,” that’s what I told myself.
“I just need a change.”
It’s happening again- like always.
Regardless of what or where or when,
I end up alone.
People drop off like flies-
while it may seem irrelevant to them,
It’s the only thing I can think of.
If I look back on the photos,
I’m never there.

And forever she sat, alone on the edge.
Waiting for someone she knew to be dead.
While simultaneously still holding the hope
That someone, anyone, would give her a shove.
So she could fly, and play pretend
while losing herself to the void within.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Right now, I'm too aware of my unscathed skin.
I want to pierce it, I want to tear it.
To see if my emotions will seep out,
so that I won't have to deal with them

Words are twisted,
screamed, and mutilated.
Fists are flying,
bloodied, and disastrous.
Children are listening,
watching, and learning.

I have to step away,
Why help your children's brains decay?
Why let them listen to your arguing?
Why let their personalities begin melting?

Why would you help them conform to society?
Why help strip away their confidence?
Why help them learn to follow in your putrid ways?

I need
to lay
curled
around
each
other
during
every
hour of
the night.

I never knew I'd feel something worse than a stab in the back.
Something worse than being lied to when you already know the truth.
Something more wretched than watching your love die day by day.
Something so horrible, that I hid the pain.
No, you're right.
You didn't take a blade to my back
Instead, you set a fire to my soul and watched it go up in flames.
You destroyed my will to think for myself or love or hurt or enjoy.
You burnt the very thought of happiness to a crisp.
And left me to stumble through life, numb and betrayed.

A Shield.
That's what it is.
A secret invisible force
that lets me hide.
It helps mask the
pain and sorrow
and anger and
regret and remorse
woven into my soul
piece by piece.
It helps me face
my peers,
my parents,
my friends,
my goals,
my dreams,
myself.
And even I
cannot see past it.

It had been so long, since these thoughts had occurred.
I thought they had vanished, guess that's absurd.
They yearn to tear me apart,
piece by piece, slowly and agonizingly.
These hateful, spiteful, horrid thoughts aimed solely at myself.
I need to feel something other than this all consuming rage.
I need the pain to take over me, the same way it used to.
Burning, cutting, destroying myself.
I need it. I crave it.
These thoughts rarely ever truly go away.
Its on repeat.
I finally take some steps forward, before I'm pushed.
Pushed over the edge into that monotone oblivion.
The oblivion where you don't think
or sleep,
or see the world around you.
It vanishes, and you're put on autopilot.
Maybe acting like a machine is the real me.
Maybe after this time I won't ever return to how I used to be.

Believe me, I know.
I know you have a Girlfriend.
A Girlfriend who deserves more.
Deserves more than your nasty thoughts.
Your nasty thoughts that drove even me away.
Me away to the opposite end of the page we had made.

I have not stood where they have.
I have not struggled as they have.
But I am not ignorant, nor am I blind.
Change must happen,
And I will not stand idly by.

I cannot pinpoint what direction it's coming from.
Something is wrong, It feels off,
like something is bound to explode or erupt.
I'm scared, despite waiting for it to happen.
I'm ready, but I know it'll hurt me.
So now I anticipate the coming storm,
with my anxiety and depression keeping me company.
But hey, at least I'm alone,
so no one else will have to worry, and
no one will be inconvienced by the bullets that are about to destroy me.

I feel like I'm living in grey.
The things that once made me spiral
Into a mess of tears or jump for joy
Don't seem to have any affect on me.

Im neither happy, or sad.
I'm just in a constant state
Of numbness, and I wish...
I wish I knew if this was the calm
Before an ugly black storm.

It hurts-
When they find someone new,
and I realize I was only there
for character development.
And now he’s with her,
and I’m with a different face every night.
But I’m the one who struggled through
the lows and the highs.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
Not her.
But I’m the one who’s alone.
Because while he’s marriage material,
I’m simply another body for men to use.
I’m pretty enough to ****,
but I’m no one’s dream girl-
just a means to pass the time.
And so I silently cry in this empty room,
thinking about those memories of you-
and the pain that you and I went through.

"smile darling" my mother states.

"Yes mum," I must comply.

"stand still sweetheart," my mother crowes.

"Yes mum," I must obey.

This was the worst family photo ever.

The Earth was bright. As she spoke her eyes were vibrant,
And her words enthusiastic.
Her face was full of expression,
Her life was full of meaningless worries.

The moon shadowed the Earth. Her eyes became dark,
Her words became dull.
Her face is full of contempt,
Her life is full of complications.

The Earth is pitch black. Her eyes are closed,
Her words are silenced.
Her face is now full of amity,
Her life is now emptied of demur.

The Earth is slowly lighting up. Her eyes are opening,
Her words are whispers.
Her face is full of confusion,
Her life is full of memories.

The Earth is bright. Her eyes are opened,
Her words are proud.
Her face is full of comprehension,
Her life is full of contentment.

Dear me,
You're not good enough,
nor will you ever be.
It's your fault you know,
you didn't speak.
Maybe as a child you were asking for it,
but those other girls weren't.
They shouldn't experience what he did.
Those touching hands in places they shouldn't be.
The psychological terror of being called a liar.
The fear of it happening more, and more,
The memories crashing back every time a boy got close.
You let them get put in that same spot.
You helped him get away with it.
It's all your fault, so no.
You're not good enough,
you will never be.
You are trash, and nothing will change that fact.
Sincerely,
Me

I miss the laughter and even the sadness.
I miss when you’d sing on FaceTime off tune.
I miss falling asleep together, 700 miles away.
I miss our deeper talks- the ones that hurt.
I miss when you’d carry me in video games.
I miss the accidental drunk Snapchats.
I miss randomly getting sleepy calls at 3 am.
I miss when we were happy together,
but now we’re both depressed and apart.

I want to disconnect
Away from this reality
Off to some fictional world
Where nothing truly matters.

I want to leap far away
From the bumpy road,
Miles from this stupid situation,
That just keeps knocking me over.

Sometimes I don't know what to say
or even how to act correctly.
You suddenly distance yourself-
do I choose option a or b?

Option A-
You're just busy:
I give you your space.

Option B-
You're trying to throw us away:
I message and fight for us.

There's too much gray area.
There' too much ifs, ands, and buts.
I don't know what to do.
Someone please help me.

I am not your priority.
You do not make time for me.
And because of that,
I have to leave.
If you wanted me to stay,
You’d do something to keep me.
But you’re not-
I’m not your priority,
And so I’m done making you mine.

I would love
to fill my
lungs with water.

If I were to scream
while drowning in water
would anyone hear me?

It doesnt matter how we speak or hang,
Fortnite, minecraft, or voice calls in some other game.
In person, far away,
through a call, or texted wording,
Each and every day
You bring a smile to my face,
and I know I love you in each and every way.

I have never felt more alone than I do now.
Everyone keeps disappearing,
Leaving me to confide only in my demons.
Demons who poke, ****, and pry at my mind;
Convincing me that I don't belong.
Convincing me that I am useless.
Convincing me that I need to disappear.

I question every decision I make.
I regret every action I take.

I can’t breathe.
I can’t see anything.
I have these little flashes of light-
and tight, frantic gasps for air.
I’m left with my thoughts-
and in these panicked times they feel slow.
They’re drawn out.
I’m given all the time to think about-
How terrible a human I am.
How I’m incapable of genuine love.
How alone I am and will always be.
How I can’t even fake my own happiness.
I’m drowning,
And somehow, I’m taking everyone with me.

I can’t stop shaking.
Everything hurts- emotionally.
And I can’t stop shaking.
I want to scream,
Or hurt physically,
Or something to just externalize my pain.
But I can’t,
So I sit here and shake.