I’m so scared.
The feeling of being alone-
It’s closing in.
I don’t want to be stuck in the dark.
I’m surrounded and alone.
These figures try to communicate,
but they never try to come closer.
I can’t understand a word they say.
I see their mouths move,
but that’s all that happens.
Their mouths move,
and they remain stagnant.
I try to communicate with hands,
I try to communicate with action ,
but they turn around and refuse to watch.
How can they hope to communicate
if they won’t meet me halfway?
Lately I’ve been having trouble breathing.
Everything around me closes in;
it swells up leaving no room.
It gets so tight that no air
could possibly squeeze through.
And then I pass out.
Only it doesn’t stop.
I keep waking,
endlessly struggling for air-
only to pass out in a panic.
Sometimes I do small things,
small enough people don’t notice.
I pinch my wrist,
I pull my hair.
I let piercings close-
only to pierce them again.
I seek out so much pain-
so much hurt-
because it helps me feel again.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t see anything.
I have these little flashes of light-
and tight, frantic gasps for air.
I’m left with my thoughts-
and in these panicked times they feel slow.
They’re drawn out.
I’m given all the time to think about-
How terrible a human I am.
How I’m incapable of genuine love.
How alone I am and will always be.
How I can’t even fake my own happiness.
And somehow, I’m taking everyone with me.
I question every decision I make.
I regret every action I take.
I know it's cliche to call you toxic-
and to be honest you were more intricate than that.
'Toxic' seems too crude, unorganized for you.
No, you weren't toxic.
But you manipulated me in ways I hadn't foreseen.
You tore every shred of who I was apart,
and if that wasn't enough,
you set fire to it and watched it burn.
The tears I shed were never enough to cease the flames.
And now that I've finally given in,
you've thrown me away for someone new to play with.
I'm left to simply build myself up again-
left to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix.
I guess it's fitting to end on another cliche.