Is it stress?
Is that what keeps me tired?
Is that whats making me a mess?
Is that why everything backfired?

Is it stress?
Is that what makes me forget?
Is that what bounds me to my bed?
Is that why I always fret?
Is that what fills me with dread?
Makes me feel dead?

Is it stress?
Its just a me thing I guess.

its been so **** long
and im sorry
i dont think i did anything wrong
idk.. like... are we?
still... yk.
you didnt reply
so ig im just gunna go
but...why?

My parents often ask me, why are you so stressed, why are you so depressed, . . . . . why are you so . . . crazy?
Here and now I am going to answer that question.

1. stress

The main reason I stress is from responsibility.
RESPONSIBILITY
The word makes me go insane
All of it causes pain.

Sibilings, five younger sibilings,
they all have their things.
they each have someting that either causes me a responsibilty or stress, because its a constant worry, love.

School, all eight classes,
you expect aces.
I can't be perfect, but you want me to be, and that is a huge responsibility.

Home, all of it,
every single bit.
A home requires everybody to have a responsibility.

2. deppresed

The main reason i am often sad, mad, or a mixture of both is that you wouldn't accept me.
NO ACCEPTENCE
To know that you would hate me,
stops me from being free.

Gender, i hate it,
why do we label ourselfs why dont we quit.
I just want to be free and ya'll dont like that, so i can't.

Sexuality, mine is different,
and you would accept it.
The world is different why cant you see that, why is different bad?

Religon, the worst of all,
the lectures make me feel so small.
You force and force and it makes me wat t be farther and farther away.

3. crazy

I am crazy because you dont care.
OBLIVION
You can't see me trying so hard,
the only things you see tears me apart.

I am trying, cant you see,
being perect for you is always who i've been tring to be.
Don't you see me working, all the time, trying to please all of ya'll.

Perfection, its impossible,
nothing can be perfectly aligned on the table.
Why do I have to be your perfect christain daughter who does so well in school while I am unhappy? Why can't I be your unperfect person that follows their dreams and is happy?

- Your unperfect human, Zan.

In my room,
Mindlessly scrolling,
to my doom.
Endlessly rolling
down the hill
of depression.
Constantly feeling ill
and not worth of self expression.

I long for the day...
That I can lay my head on your chest..
and you can play with my hair.
This will be when life is best..
when you and I can breathe the same air.

I long for the day...
That I can kiss you...
and hear your heart beating with mine
This will be when I can give you a hug anytime I need too..
when we can be together, finally, ill be fine.

I walk into the kitchen and my adventure awaits
I get out a bowl and put in 1/2 cups of butter.
I look at the creaminess and imagine its fate,
Soon it will become a delicate structure.

Next, you sift the sugar gleaming in the light.
Looking at the two separate things in my bow,l
I mix it together and they do not fight.
They go together so easily and it fills my soul.

Across from me is the basket of eggs, clean,
brown, and round, right from my backyard.
One and two they look so pristine.
Yellow in the center and the whites as its guard.

I open my creaky cupboard and grab the vanilla
I smell it, so sweet, but I taste it, it stings.
Its what gives it that something but its a killer.
Pouring it in as I sing.

Coco, its just like the vanilla, its bitter but sweet.
It get everywhere when I pour it,
it puffs up in a cloud of a sweet treat.
So fine and soft, it fills my spirit.

Finally, to finish the sweet brown goo
you add in a bit of flour,
it keeps it all it all together and completes the brew.
And just like that, it been a hour.

Your may have hurt her,
But you did not break her.
You did not destroy her.

She will always be stronger than you,
simply because its just true.

You are nothing to her and to me.
and thats just what you will always be.

Whats wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this...
Dropping to my knees....
and tears dropping down into an abyss...

Why can´t I just be normal?
and ¨buckle down¨ like other people.
I dont want to feel awful..
and I am just a *******.

I can´t get anything done
and I dont understand why.
This weight on me feels like a ton
and theres nobody nearby.

I hate myself because...
I dont understand myself...
why I do what i do..
why i feel the way i feel..
why i think my thoughts...
... the sharp edges control itself...

Whens therapy starting?
Why?
Cause you make me hate me..
The truth?
Sometimes you make me want **** myself...

Why did she coose me to be the one?
Why did she choose me to be a target?
Why did she choose me to be weakest?
Why did she choose me to be the worst?
Why did she choose me to be the ugliest?
Why did she choose my to be the dummy?
Why did she choose me to be the fake?
Why did she choose me?
Why me?

Hello?

Why do I constantly feel alone
I alway feel like I am unknown
A creature just wanting to be their own
A creature that has drasticly grown.

My mascara running down my cheek,
I am always so tired and I feel weak.
The lump in my throat makes it too hard to eat.
I´m so numb, will my life be complete?

My poor tear stained pillow
it probably wants a break from my low.
My heart wrenching to not be a burden
to those who ¨love¨ me, I cant be certain.

I cant walk but only crawl.
I can barley be who you want me to be at all.
You basically call me a freak while
my mascara runs down my cheek.

This phrase is absolutely disgusting
and it is completely crushing.

This phrase is an invasion of privacy
and it constantly gives me anxiety.  

This phrase makes me want to throw up
every time you ask a CHILD before they grow up.

This phrase shouldn't exist
don't you understand the pain it inflicts?

Just leave us alone
to live our life.
Let us live outside of the shadows
and put away that knife.

You´re so beautiful
even though you don´t believe it to be true.
I love every part of you
and I want to be with you forever through and through.
Don´t change a thing
because guess what I love about you? everything...

Would you just shut up and listen?!!!!!!!!
Just, please... hear me and my vision.
Let me share my "invalid" opinion!

   I know you don't care, but I do.
I just want to be of importance too!
I want to share something I know to be true.

Can we have an actual conversations?
Not one that includes only your invasions?
I can't just sit here and listen to your expectations.

I am tired of being scarred
but you leave me charred,
and you make life so hard.

Please, just shut up and listen...

Hey momma, I'm gay.
I've been wanting to tell you every day.
I've been to scared to tell you
because you don't know whats true.
I know your going to be sad
but being my true self makes me glad.
I needed to tell you before I cant
but I don't want to hear your whole rant.

The things you have said,
I can't just forget.
The things you have said,
aren't forgivable.

You thought you were fine,
somethings you don't just get.
You thought you were fine,
but you weren't able.

Those words really hurt,
badly mentaly.
Those words really hurt,
piercing through my soul.

You aren't forgivine,
I accept gratefuly.
You aren't forgivine,
but what was your goal.

You had problems,
you couldn't control.
You had problems,
but its sill hurting.

You've gotten better,
still I have a hole.
You've gotten better,
but I'm still alert.

Your so selfish!
How could you leave me!
Why am I the one being punished?
How dare you do that on that tree...
The one that held your cold body.
The one that witnessed your last exhale.
The one that was in the eyes of somebody.
Somebody that immediately turned pale.
Their stomach dropped,
and tears filled their eyes.
They broke down.
To the ground.
And shivered as the false hope left their body.
Your so selfish.
What about me....
How dare you.

"What is trust?"
Trust is assurance
Trust is sureness
"What does that mean?"
Its faithfulness
Some one who has access
"Is it good?"
It can be good
It has the likelihood
"Is it bad?"
It can be bad
Its really sad
"Why do I need trust?"
When you trust
You become more focused
When you trust
You adjust
"How do I trust?"
Be vulnerable
Be comfortable
Be expressive
Be progressive
"I can try..."
That's all you need
You can succeed
"Can I trust you?"
Of course <3

I want you
do you want me?
I want to be warm
will you hold me?
I want to cry
will you cry with me?
I want to love
will you love with me?

Why I try so hard,
when it never works out.
It always catches me off guard,
when it never works out.
I just cant disregard,
when it never works out.
I get so frail and scared,
when it never works out.
Throw me in a graveyard,
when it never works out.
Burned and charred,
when it never works out.

So whats the point in trying....

At first everything was just humorous
I found out the truth and I made a fuss
I looked around and everything was gone
It looks like mother nature is just done
Death, Fear and panic swept over the world
My life just seemed like it was swirled and twirled
It feels like I am back at the start line
Ready for my race for the second time
Here at home wallowing in my pity
No one can show their socialbility
We are all distant from one another
Because we need to save eachother
I hate the people who just go out and roam
Please the people of this world just stay home

I don't need you but you need me, you want me to stay but I want to leave.
I'm not your perfect "daughter", just like your not a perfect father.
I don't want your issues, you gave me all of your horrible conditions.
All the things you went through, you've put me through too.
If you want me happy, then why do you say what you say, it's nasty

People always tell me,
that people love me.
People always tell me,
that people care for me.
People always tell me,
that they will love me....
..... no. matter. what.....

Lies
Lies
Lies

I cant tell you,
I cant tell you me.
I cant tell you,
who I am.

Lies
Lies
Lies

If you knew me, you would hate me.

So stop telling me you will love me no. matter. what.

Cause you wont....

So numb.
So dumb.
> Btch
> Fg
> Pig
So weak.
So bleak.
> Hre
> Mental
> Fcker
So annoying.
So disappointing.

Take me
Take all of me
Because your more than me
More worth then me
I love you but not me
Because you use me
And you make a perfect me
But sadly your me
Isn't my me
Or maybe it is me
Who is me?

Could you please shut up and leave me alone?!
Please stop telling me what I need to do,
don't tell me what I have already done.
Please, little voice inside me, hang up the phone.
You don't need to be with me, stuck like glue.
You act like you are having so much fun.
Its not a game, its reality.
Why do you only come when I am sad?
Its impossible to be full of glee,
because when your with me I get so mad.
Could you please shut up and leave me alone?!

When these waves come crashing down,
I cant stand.
When the darkness fills the air,
I cant see.
When I go numb because of you,
I cant feel.
When the people are too loud,
I cant hear.
When I am crying,
I cant breathe.

When your around...
I just cant do anything....

They were the one that I thought of every day,
but now they are the one that got away.

I miss you
The old you
The happy you
The laughing you
The fun you
The smiling you
The you...
That I loved...
That's the you I miss.

Its always out of my reach,
and it just slips right out of my clumsy hands.
Its sweet as a peach,
but rare as a someone who actually understands.

Everyone's life goal is to die happy,
but there isn't anyone who can die without regrets.
Will life ever not be ******,
maybe when everyone has a good mindsets.

It will be when pigs fly,
when I wont be full of sadness.
It seems like some people don't have to try,
to be full of happiness.

But then again.... everyone has their personalized masks.

I miss my old life a lot.
.....
I want my friends back,
I want my school back,
I want my horse back,
I want humanity back,
I want peace back,
I want love back.
I want stupidity to leave,
I want racists to leave,
I want homophobes to leave,
I want violence to leave,
I want death to leave,
I want sickness to leave.
Please....