There are no children laughing
Playing hopscotch in the driveway
With a manicured lawn and pretty
Flowers in boxes attached to the windows

There's no degree framed in my office
Actually there isn't an office at all here
Inside this lived in two bedroom flat
Where I spend as much time as possible

There's no sleek foreign sports car
Candy apple red glimmering in the sun
Or vacation home nestled somewhere
I can't pronounce to go once a year

There aren't six figures in my account
Or country club lunches with the girls
Black card shopping sprees in the city
Or box seat opera season tickets

There is glitter on my eyelids
And an immense feeling of gratitude
When I wake up happy and free
Unapologetic and authentically me

Mesmerized by your dark eyes
Under gas station florescent lights
Rummaging through deep pockets
Demanding money be put in the bag
Emphasis on the curse words with
Ripe and rosey dried cracked lips

Malevolent spirit doing a danger dance
Enticing me into your territory

Decadence in your worldly hatred
A bitter sweet flavor on my teeth
Demanding and forever ******
Dismal with a soft sweet center
Yes. I'll see you on the other side.

Swift punt to the soda pop tin
Littering the low lit path before me
Flash back to kick the can
And hopscotch jumping rope
To wittled cans from which to smoke
And losing family to knotted rope

Years pile on tense shoulders
Bearing zirconium smiling teeth
Finding diamonds in my grief
But always pacing forward

To flash back on bronze days
Glowing like bonfire embers
Finishing the last of the thirty rack
Never realizing I was drowning
Just sad and aloof and smiling
Smoking bad **** from a PBR can

I don't feel the way I had imagined
I would feel by the time I had gotten here
Paper scraps littering a lengthy path
An ivory album half filled to the gills
Most pages just blips and blackouts
A garden of blooming disappointments

I hyped up the experience too much
Everything feels so terribly lack luster
Now I'm almost always half asleep
And the days feel like I pressed repeat

I don't feel the way I had imagined
Though times have been much worse
And I'm alright with seeing the sunrise
The boredom is better than binging
Waking in such a painful panic
But I've kept the promise this time

Could my soul mate be,
A tree in a field all alone,
Or a street painter in Paris,
Or an opulent Arabian king.

Could my soul mate be,
A stone in a babbling brook,
Or a wise old widower,
Or a shaggy urban pan handler.

Could my soul mate be,
Also trying to search for me,
Or has the world made them hard,
Or has someone put out the flame.

Could my soul mate be,
The complete opposite of me,
Or are we eerily similar,
Or do we not even care.

Could my soul mate be,
Here sooner than later,
Or do I have to wait forever,
Or do they just not exist.

It's truly exhausting to fear this way,
To face each day and feel this way.
A terrible nagging that won't go away,
To struggle and fight and have no say.

I'm afraid to wake up and live,
I'm afraid to sleep and die.

There's a race inside of my mind,
But no one ever gets ahead,
Nor ever do they fall behind.
A limbo if you will.

I'm afraid to sleep at night,
I'm afraid to face the day.

It's truly exhausting to fear this way,
And I'll never not feel this way,
But I make progress every day,
So I think I'll go to sleep.

Realistically,
My house could collapse,
At this exact moment,
While I sit here pondering;
Writhing in the glimmering
Aftermath of yet another
Fantastic anxiety attack.

Every morning is a success,
A battle finished in my favor;
Especially with these walls,
Standing strong around me.
For some reason my anxiety,
Is afraid of daylight,
So I savor sunshine.

Red dot adjacent the center star
Accelerating towards my hands
Outreached as if expecting rainfall
To be decorated in charred debris
As consciousness ascends somewhere

Cradled in slumbers warm embrace
Blowing kisses unto my face
Visions of a dim lit peaceful place
Where I did once forget my grace
But took it back with a hasty pace

In time to witness obliteration
As that dot did decimate
Crashing into the blue and green
Orbiting rock around the center star
Now finding himself much more lonesome

To drift
Be taken far out
Brought further into
Subconscious
Slew of symbols
Color coded
Neurons colliding

Sever
To untether
Physical form
From spiritual
Deep inhales
Counting down
Vibrations

Hey,
I'll see you
Out there
In shadows and
Swirling cosmos
With three eyes
And bright aura

Perhaps I can't be understood,
Despite the blatant simplicity.
Has it been a curse the whole time?
Have I been blind and wrong?
All I know is what I feel,
And everything I feel kills me.

This voyage is a challenge,
I've felt brittle a long while.

There's a longing that's been there,
Since I could even remember.
I've been left alone for so long,
Finding normalcy in my bubble.
All I know is what I feel,
And everything I feel kills me.

Friction of index and pointer finger
Dragging gently over lips and chin
With pupils fixated on tongue and teeth
Breath slowly exiting our soft temples
Eyelids flutter closed for quick moments
Of glimpses into grand starlit nirvana

Teeth pressed into flesh
I want my head on your chest
Fingers twirling my hair
Our particles are everywhere

Friction of hand closed over throat
Squeezing and in some time releasing
With iris's diving deep in mine glowing
Smile bursting from sinister tempting
And soon your fingers will be in my hair
Our particles spreading out everywhere

Desire is only funny,
When it's gone.
Diluted to only water,
Where when tasted,
You feel refreshed,
and not disgusted.

My desires remain,
and when rage boiled,
They didn't evaporate,
But turned into syrup...
Concentrated,
And gross to taste.

Gross to talk about,
***** to remember,
And painful to the tongue,
Where once you were,
Essence sitting,
And I swallowed...

More than once.

Desire is only funny,
When it's gone.
Diluted to only water,
Where when tasted,
You feel refreshed,
and not disgusted.

My desires remain,
and when rage boiled,
They didn't evaporate,
But turned into syrup...
Concentrated,
And gross to taste.

Gross to talk about,
***** to remember,
And painful to the tongue,
Where once you were,
Essence sitting,
And I swallowed...

More than once.

I just want to be wanted
Rarely ever received
Like the arcade prize
Everyone ogles at
But never takes home
Despite countless coins
And food court tantrums

Except for that sweet blue moon
When I want to just combust
Into a billion cells floating free
With you breathing on my neck
And your fingers on my skin
And we go so deep

Particles burst on black bedding
And I let you touch me as we sleep
The sun rises and the blue is gone
Good old silver shimmer beams
Where I touch myself as needed
With no hot breath infiltrating
Comfortably combusting alone

To have it all and
Pretend to be content
Uncomfortable
Behind walls
Self constructed
Constricted

Autopilot,
Sincerest smile
Removed and reused
Constantly recycled
Carefully Rehearsed
Exhausted

Chemical imbalance
Shadows shifting
Internal conflict
Overstimulated
Collecting control
Repeat upon waking

Butterfly kisses
Sun licked
Salt brined
Soft sand
Scorched

Two hands
Twenty fingers
Light gust
Waves crash
Delicately

Soft spoken
Silly smirk
Beach towel
Wet saliva
Fornication

Butterfly kisses
Sparkling water
Sweat tresses
Held secure
Sensational

There's a door I can not open
Not locked just jammed
Taunting and beckoning
I've been away on a journey
Trying to acquire peace

There's someone behind the door
I hear whispering while I sleep
Soft breathing during the day
To venture onward feels
Somewhat sacrificial

I don't want to lose the rope
Break my fingers and descend
Regressing back to the bottom
Wading in the shallow waters
Of the deep grim well

But the scratching never stops
Curiosity is a rolling boil
There's an axe down in storage
They say peace comes at night
So I'll begin in the morning

Dry assumptions,
You know what they say.
Ridicule without wonder.
Just a scratchy throat,
A hollow cough,
and a request for water.

A slew of basic questions,
Like a prepared selection,
A magic uninterested eight ball.
A scratchy throat,
A hollow cough,
an excuse to focus elsewhere.

Dry assumptions,
You know what they say.
A slew of basic questions,
Ridicule without wonder.
A magic uninterested eight ball,
Is asking for some water.

Amber eyes glisten
Tall drink of water,
Serial killer smile,
Wind ****** hair.

Confident grin,
Red intense stare,
Charming laugh,
Machine gun quirk.

Deep thoughts,
Brooding pose,
Bigger nose,
Tall bones.

Terribly funny,
Awfully lovely,
Incredibly loving,
Serial killer smile.

Flossing more often because of you
Kool-aid blue cold condensation
Wiping my brow drifting dreaming
Biting my bottom lip until bruised

Fantasies of you being used
Objectified with warm honey eyes
My popsicle melted on your lips
Elbows dug into my mattress

Give me some sugar, ******
My pixie stick sweetheart
Indulging my sweet tooth
Flossing more often because of you

Several deep breaths
Exhale slow and smooth
To find the center
To find you

Saddest eyes I've ever seen
I made them twinkle and
I made them gleam
To find you

Several deep breaths
Exhale softly sigh
You were the spider
I was the fly

I've tasted the bitterness of cruelty,
And sat in a circle of salt to purify;
There I was able to quiet my mind,
And sweeten what was left behind.

Anger has heated my flesh before,
To a rose licked hue of rage;
Decisions were made to ignore,
I found wisdom without the age.

I've felt the hug of cool blue,
and the rain that always follows;
Found myself almost six feet down,
But I refused to be hollow.

Clouds spread in shapes above my face,
Where the grass had morphed into pillows.
Not much thought tread through my mind,
During that beautifully sought quiet time.
To my side spread out a collection of trees,
Rustling against the breeze and calling me.

I never payed much attention to the sound,
Until the canvas was totally free of clouds.
Curiosity clenched it's hand over mine,
Without resistance we followed the noise.
The sun began to chase the horizon,
But there was a light not much further.

My pace quickened trying to find,
That strange glow in the dark forest.
Time never once crossed my mind,
I had no recollection or measurement,
Of how long I had been chasing the light.
All I knew was that I would bask in it.

The sun never rose again,
I never left that forest.
The glow teases me still,
As if I hadn't realized.
My legs never tire,
And I've no need to breathe.

Take me to your paradise
The soft noises escaping
Like breath but boisterous
Slow rising and falling
Eyes fixated on mine

You can be my youth fountain
Fix what was broken the last time
I was sprawled beneath a body
That lasted far beyond the sell date

I'll take you to my paradise
All the curves and pressure points
Teeth to make soft impressions
As fireworks light up our sky
And we stay connected in the moment

I think I prefer him on the down low
Getting him on the cellular is a no go
Stays ringing in my heart and ears
I want his backhand and his tears
Creeping during the darkest hour
He is my nightshade poison flower

Bad boy with bulging veins
Stripped down to his pain
And he's not so tough anymore
He's got the sweetest core

I think I prefer him on the down low
Plan a date in the day and he's a no show
Leave my midnight window ajar
Like an alley cat he's never too far
My thighs double as his pillow
Got that sadness like the willow

Bad boy covered in ****** ink
But he smiles and I sink
And he's not so tough anymore
When his clothes hit the floor

Pictures dance on lit up screens,
In flashing colors and pearl smiles.
Decorated with inspirational words,
Of a world that we don't really live in.

When screens go dim, we turn somber.
When the noise stops, we panic.

Pictures dance on lit up screens,
Distorted and modified until content.
Decorated in frames and cartoon flowers,
Edited until almost unrecognizable.

Confused when mirrors speak truth,
Feeling alone inside of a crowded room.

Pictures dance on lit up screens,
With chords attached to our limbs.
Comfortable in our edited skin,
"We're literally living for everything"...

And when I've made the descent
All there is to ask for is a clean break
Easier for the bone to set together
Fuse back into what it used to be

Caught frozen in frame
Waiting for it to melt away
Fast forward through the dark
Clenched fists and screaming

Appreciate the solitude
Healed bones and muscles
Dance beneath the moon full
Just the spirits and I alone

In an alternative universe
Two glasses clink together
Sauvignon Blanc paired with
Delicious garden picked
Raw ******* in moonlight
Smile stretching from
Sea all the way to sky

Arms wrap my expanse
Twinkle in your glance
As our eyes sleepily together
Watch the sun claim the sky
With birds lightly singing
A lullaby to drift away into
Champagne bubble dreaming

In an alternate universe
My dreams did bear fruit
Sweet from green lush vines
Aging with finesse like wine
Sometimes I go back to visit
Where sky collides with sea
To scribble letters into bottles

Letters you will never read

Don't ever let me go
We sing surrounded by roses
Candle light waltzes
But who's at fault

It fizzles away, baby
Nothing gold can stay
Winter melts to May
And candles waltz

Pricked by the roses
Picked by the boy
And then it melts away
And it just goes away

Completely chaotic
Freeway after sunset
Collection of stars
A procession of scars
Still glistening with
Menthol chapstick
From hours before
When he wasn't alone

Completely prepared
To descend hastily
Into the strobes
Air whooshing by
Howling as if to mock
To invite maliciously
To satiate the hunger
To fully eradicate

He spoke often softly
Of this phantom sickness
Blackening the day
Molesting the future
Ruining his plans to stay
Completely chaotic
Freeway after sunset
Into the strobes

It just ain't in the cards kid
And I want to scream shuffle
But that's not quite how it works
So I put my head in the clouds
Waiting for the night to fall
So that I may rearrange the stars
And so it goes that I can not reach
And the clouds and I begin to weep
I climb atop my mattress so tired
Content to drift into sweet dreaming
Where my desires kindly greet me
And stay until the sun gets out of bed
And I retreat back inside of my head
To formulate a spectacular plan
To manifest my dreams to infiltrate
The dimension where I am awake

Comfortable rectangle
Entanglements
Stranger sleeping
Feeling, breathing
Mostly dreaming

Self exploration
Starlit sobbing
Skin cells
Sweat beads
Strands of hair

Morning whispers
Morning breath
Laughing, touching
Alarm clocks
Departures

Bright light attracts the bugs at night,
So I got smart and dimmed my glow.
Barely noticeable to untrained eyes,
I just simply glide through the day.
A little less unimpressed at sunset,
Watching all my circles shrink.  

It can get a little lonely here,
But the past comes to remind me;

Sleeping with dogs can give you fleas,
So I adopted a no animal policy.
I haven't had an itch in ages,
But I miss the companionship.
It can get a little lonely here,
but at least I have no bugs.

Constellation Kaleidoscope
Blue and grey plaid flannel
Marlboro reds infiltrating
Front left pocket
Millions of miles
Eyes travel to your smile

Red embers sizzle
Smoke slowly escapes
Michaelangelo sculpted lips
My walking cathedral
Requested sanctuary
My prayers elevated

Constellation Kaleidoscope
Cells growing and dying
Shooting star wishes
To be held betwixt
Your middle and index
To be completely inside you

Suddenly I'm the magazine stuffed
Between your mattress and box spring
A corner folded down to keep place
Of the picture that gets you excited

Submerged in murky secrecy
Covered in a sticky substance
Visited when no one is around
When your desire is too loud

Ticking,
Oh and slipping...
Fingertips,
Strands of hair,
Moon water,
Fall air

Dried roses,
Dead vines,
Alarms howling,
Devastated,
Over stayed,
Alabaster

Gray tones,
Mature bones,
Cracked lips,
Tired hips,
Waiting,
Emaciated

Six feet below,
Light years above,
Hollow cave,
Pure white dove,
Black veils,
Black blood

At times I wish I had the ability
To transform myself into a small
Round Alka seltzer tablet and
Drop myself into the raging sea
To dissolve and disperse into
A million small bubbles fizzing
To reach the top and dissipate
Seeing the sunrise pink and orange
Thousands of times before
Never seeing anything ever again