What happened?
Why did you leave me?
Why did you go back to your old ways?
You used to make an attempt
You used to try to relate to me
Not as an mere acquaintance, but as a friend
I wanted to like you
I wanted to be friends with you
I wanted to give you a semblance of my care
I wanted to be proud to call you my brother

But you left
You left without a note
Without a word
Without a single whisper into the wind as to why
You left me alone again to question my worth
You left me as if I was just an old teddy bear
It was like you grew out of me
Like a pair of old hole ridden shoes
You tossed me aside

But then you came back
Not as you were to me
Not as someone I could say was my brother
Not as someone
I could say was my friend
Not even as someone I could look in the eye without feeling let down
Now came back as who you were before
As if the fun times we had didn't matter in the slightest
As if you wiped them from your memory
As if they never happened at all
They might as well never had happened
Because all they did was let me down more

And it hurts
Like a ball of led trapped in your throat
It’s painful
And it weighs you down
And it stays
I wanted it to work so badly
I wanted to love you
But whenever I look at you now,
I only think of the inner anguish you caused me
I know it’s not much to you
It’s probably not anything to you
But it was so much more to me

And what am I then?
Nothing to you, apparently
Now i'm just another impromptu babysitter
Now i’m just a wallflower
Now i’m just someone you thought you could pretend to care about
But I don't think you ever even cared to keep the facade
Not once
I’m sorry I was just another expense to factor in for those few months
I’m sorry I just became another hindrance for you to work around
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough

I can’t look at you without realizing what I truly was to you
I can’t think about you without thinking about that
And it hurts
It hurts so much
And in all that hurt and pain and longing for something I know never will happen
And in that, anger, pure and unadulterated
A flaming ball of anger and fury and hatred that combines into a beast of your creation
And when ever I feel the anguish you caused me,
The beast rears its head and guards it
And it makes sure that I know it’s still there
It makes sure that I feel it and remember it
It wants me to
But it’s not doing it to torture me
It’s doing it to protect me
To protect me from you and your ways
The ways that hurt me so
And it will never be able to be reversed
And the beast is making sure of it
Because even if the beast is made of rage and despair
It’s far more gentle to me than you were with my emotions
The beast is my friend
The beast reminds me to stay strong
It reminds my to push through
It reminds it to survive you
And it reminds me to not let my guard down to you again

Now to me, you are nothing
You’re a roadblock to happiness
You’re a stone wall blocking hopes
You’re just an annoying little gnat that doesn't know any better

So, you have heard me through
And you know my piece
And you know that you will never get the privilege to be called my brother
Whenever you look at me
Whenever you hear my voice
Whenever you think of me
I want you to think of these very words I wrote with tear blurred eyes
The words I wrote powered with emotion
The words I wrote it intent
The words I wrote to make you feel for a faction of a second what I feel
Now i’ll cut the pleasantries and give you my final verdict
*******, Derek Nebergall, *******

The Lady In Gold

She stood on my porch, the lady in gold
She stood there until I dared to open the door
She needed inside, but for what?

My lady in gold, she called towards me, but only pain could follow
My lady in gold, murmuring to herself, questioning her own philosophy
My lady in gold, wondering if I even cared enough about her to save her

And I, the heartless coward
And I, the spiritless shell of a man
And I, the miserable being killing the lady in gold

She held herself on a pedestal for the world to see
And when I doubted her, she fell from her self assumed grace
My lady in gold, now covered in soot from the earth below

Won't you join me once more?

I used to soar high in the sky
The blue jays and ravens jealous of me
"Follow me," I bellowed into the air "follow me and you shall never see despair!"
Most came, some went, and to those who were not fond of my kind
How untasteful and foolish I looked to those dull eyes
But as time came, and time went
While I soared mighty high in a distracted haze they started to fly ahead
They played their playful games, tweeting and trilling as they went
But by the time I realized it, they were nothing but specs ahead
"Wait for me," I cried "don’t you remember that i'm your leader?"
"Sure you are," said a wise old dove that rocketed by and straight ahead
"You may have been able to help them with their troubles and keep them flying straight," he cooed to me
"But look at yourself and ask yourself 'what about me'?"
My tired wings and aching joints screaming as I worked to match his speed
"They've all surpassed you," he called as he cocked his head, "now no one minds you much for you're all spent"
He them dashed off with the other birds, singing as he went
And there I was all alone, how hopeless could I get?
A single bird, without a flock, how shameful can I be?
Well, I guess they'll do better off without me
I slow my wings and gently glide
There’s no rush now that i've been left behind
How was I so foolish, just as the dull eyes thought so
I thought I was a boulder, but I was merely a stepping stone